tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12542058469952625842023-11-16T02:13:36.865-05:00Depth PerfectionMasochistic Tendencies of the Dying Inner ChildAnahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08677125303943923177noreply@blogger.comBlogger190125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1254205846995262584.post-59119650605147008862014-04-01T11:00:00.000-04:002014-04-01T11:00:10.281-04:00Update and explanationsIs anyone out there?<br />
<br />
It's been a year and a half since my last entry.<br />
<br />
I'm fat. Actual weight non-applicable. But... it's up there.<br />
<br />
For a while I was fat and happy. I mean, a bit embarrassed around people I haven't seen in a while, but generally pretty happy. I have a lot of good in my life. Lots of stress, but honestly, I'm not that far-gone. I live in an apartment with my boyfriend now. That's a massive improvement in my well-being. I've only been here a couple months, though.<br />
<br />
I'm trying to lose weight again. I'm trying not to get carried away.<br />
<br />
I'm using a calorie-counting app called "MyFitnessPal" ... I actually really love it. It gives you nutritional information and gives you the option to track measurements as well as weight. It's pretty much impossible to get enough potassium, I think.<br />
<br />
I've got it set to lose a pound a week. That seems so goddamn slow. At my weight. It will take me months to get down to an okay weight. This week I've been going over frequently, too. I think that's got to do with my period.<br />
<br />
I'm trying to eat light most of the day and have most of my calories in a meal with my beau. Often when I go over it's because my beau wants to drink in the evening. It's hard to resist.<br />
<br />
I've been utterly avoiding this blog. I won't make any promises to commit to it now. I just really need inspiration. I'm sorry for being such a disappointment, although I'm sure you've all given up on me. Which is okay, honestly. I'm a terribly unreliable pro-ana blogger. I can't even call myself that anymore.<br />
<br />
It occurs to me after a brief overview of my last posts that I never really addressed what caused this weight gain. I thought that I had.<br />
<br />
In April 2012, I was assaulted in my neighborhood. I didn't know the people. There were maybe 7 in total, and I was hit by two people. A man hit me on the side of my head, and a woman hit me in my abdomen. It was over quickly. I was in a gas station parking lot, wisely deciding not to walk down the street with the sketchy people, and I screamed. They ran away. They got nothing. It could have been sooo much worse. I was too freaked out and shaky to talk to police. Thinking about it was upsetting.<br />
<br />
This incident was really terrible for my mental state. I was NOT okay with walking that route home anymore, despite having done so hundreds of times at night with no problems. I ended up relying on my father for a ride every night. Towards the end of my living at home, he was getting very fickle. Sometimes he would just refuse. I'm grateful of course for the rides, but you would swear the five minute drive was the most self-sacrificing act someone could preform by the way he seemed to act. I think the real reason that he did it was because it gave him leverage. If he got angry with me, he'd just say "fuck you, bitch" and tell me to walk, no matter what the weather.<br />
<br />
I could not get over the anxiety from that event for a very very long time. I guess I'm still not over it, but for the next year I was looking over my shoulder every minute and I couldn't be out at night anywhere. I couldn't be alone. Starting last semester, I started having panic attacks - a problem I wasn't having before, and thankfully since I've moved out they've subsided.<br />
<br />
After the assault, I was isolated and dependent on my parents. Which is horrible. I started eating a lot. So I've gained a lot. It really was triggered by depression. I couldn't focus and I couldn't make myself exercise. I was scared when I put earbuds in because I wouldn't be able to hear someone coming.<br />
<br />
I know I don't have the worst parents in the world, but my house is a dark and depressing place. My dad is verbally abusive, and my mother never has anything nice to say about anyone. All I had at home was TV and the dog. My parents both lie constantly, and when they're not lying, they're complaining about one another in ways no one wants to hear. And when I went to my boyfriend's mother's house, we were up in his room being quiet. I pretty vegetated. Stagnated.<br />
<br />
So now I have a little room to breath. I was pretty happy. I still am, really. Life got a lot better. But something someone said was the final straw and now I'm back to losing weight.<br />
<br />
At the moment the biggest hinderence in weight loss since moving is alcohol. I'm not a drunk or anything, but one shot of everclear (1.5 oz, normally consumed in a diet soda), contains nearly 300 calories. It's a lot of alcohol for the calories, but... um... yeah. That's more calories than I can afford.<br />
<br />
Thanks for reading.<br />
As usual, your thoughts are very welcome.Anahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08677125303943923177noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1254205846995262584.post-20826013153423311622012-08-10T19:43:00.001-04:002012-08-10T19:43:08.132-04:00Beautiful<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://i.imgur.com/dehr5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="238" src="http://i.imgur.com/dehr5.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />Anahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08677125303943923177noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1254205846995262584.post-85830390171860837262012-05-16T09:00:00.000-04:002012-05-16T09:00:01.353-04:00Glycemic Index anyone?I've been super interested in the Glycemic index lately. It feels like everyone knew about it before I did. <br />
<br />
To me, a calorie has just been a calorie. I knew some things will keep you full longer, but... I guess I never really thought about it any deeper than that.<br />
<br />
When I am doing well, I really do eat more fiber and protein. So not knowing this probably hasn't affected me on a grand scale... None the less, since watching that video I posted a while back, I've been thinking about how often I give in to sweet cravings. It didn't occur to me that it's not even sugar that my body wants. It could be anything - if I eat something, the sugar cravings will go away.<br />
<br />
and I'm sure I'll be better off.<br />
<br />
Do any of you have some information about the Glycemic index I might not know? I'm pretty new to all this.Anahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08677125303943923177noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1254205846995262584.post-5345385938352435382012-05-14T09:00:00.000-04:002012-05-14T09:00:04.412-04:00Fasting has purpose<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIv-oXKOKIDbV9iTo_zIDMLx0Tnhzzxu1yHK4_X6UNlR-8suWyeKGF3iFDZWNXmVsPs2bXvs5k6CAVhsgPecTLzi7E5PvU7_l20cjU3yeEeZml46pZ24uI1zs3EzQwLmlXkqsUKWkrzus/s1600/Photo-0129.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIv-oXKOKIDbV9iTo_zIDMLx0Tnhzzxu1yHK4_X6UNlR-8suWyeKGF3iFDZWNXmVsPs2bXvs5k6CAVhsgPecTLzi7E5PvU7_l20cjU3yeEeZml46pZ24uI1zs3EzQwLmlXkqsUKWkrzus/s320/Photo-0129.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />Anahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08677125303943923177noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1254205846995262584.post-1144527715781030732012-05-09T09:00:00.000-04:002012-05-09T09:00:05.482-04:00How To Stop Sugar Cravings!! What Causes Them? Blood Sugar & Weight Gain...<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/rEJ0pR1w0uU?fs=1" width="480"></iframe><br />
<br />
I'm on an exercise kick, but my eating habits are on-and-off shitty, like they've always been. <br />
<br />
There's a lot I'm embarrassed to say.<br />
<br />
I just found a video I thought I should share... I hope you like it. Same vlogger as last time.<br />
<br />
I'm sorry it's been so long. Feel free to nag me. I'd appreciate it! I feel somewhat empty.<br />
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I'm still having trouble night-binging, but the exercise helps. Both with the calories and the cravings.Anahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08677125303943923177noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1254205846995262584.post-67960154815857425002012-03-31T09:00:00.000-04:002012-03-31T09:00:07.774-04:00Hmm...<iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/FpEs4zl5Ljc" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen=""></iframe><div><br /></div><div>I don't know much about the Glycemic index. </div>Anahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08677125303943923177noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1254205846995262584.post-29262612501000734612012-03-23T04:42:00.003-04:002012-03-23T05:19:30.773-04:00Status: Surprisingly motivated<div>The weather is warming up, and so is my brain. My motivation is coming back. </div><div><br /></div><div>I still make one big mistake every day. Which is weird, isn't it? Why? </div><div><br /></div><div>And why do I act like drinking a liter of water will fix that?</div><div><br /></div><div>Anyway... I'm not going to tell you my current weight. I guess I stopped doing that a long time ago. I weigh too much, though.</div><div><br /></div><div>....</div><div><br /></div><div>It's amazing how much better about myself makeup makes me feel. I feel like I'm not hideous. This makes life in my own skin a little more bearable. Plus, it's fun. </div><div><br /></div><div>....</div><div><br /></div><div>I shouldn't stay up as late as I do. I start having weird thoughts. </div><div><br /></div><div>I mean, apart from the binge-eating. I did eat ice-cream tonight. With m&ms. </div><div><br /></div><div>I've been doing better with that lately, though. I didn't eat that, as well as an entire dinner, with a bowl of popcorn, a glass of sugary juice, and whatever else I could cram in my gullet. </div><div><br /></div><div>Night binging has always been a big problem for me. But the past few days, I've been doing better.</div><div><br /></div><div>Anyway, my strange thoughts. Right now I'm obsessively staring at the twitter account of a boy I made out with once in high school. We had a weird relationship for a long time. I won't follow him on twitter - because I don't want him to think I care. We have no relationship now. </div><div><br /></div><div>Except that I look at every damn thing he does that I can find online. </div><div><br /></div><div>I have the strangest thoughts about him. I've probably written about it before, it comes and goes.</div><div><br /></div><div>I was so into him. Sometimes I wish we could be friends, but I won't try. Usually I'm afraid that if I were in a small enough radius of him, I might end up hurting him.</div><div><br /></div><div>Turns out a guy I know from one of my boyfriend's circles of friends is a current friend with this aforementioned boy. Close enough that I wonder if they might one day show up together.</div><div><br /></div><div>I have no idea how I would react. </div><div><br /></div><div>I could have a panic attack. I could attack him. I might be pleasantly surprised and feel nothing! Or, I'll have a giggle fit that will embarrass the fuck out of me.</div><div><br /></div><div>Seriously, though. I'm not exaggerating. I wish I were. Nothing he has ever done would warrant my having any sentiment for him whatsoever five years after graduating high school. Especially not when I'm in a happy relationship.</div><div><br /></div><div>But if I saw him, I'm pretty certain I would freak the fuck out in one way or another.</div><div><br /></div><div>This isn't rational. I want to purge my brain of my feelings about him. Whatever they are. </div><div><br /></div><div>....</div><div><br /></div><div>Other night-thoughts I've had?</div><div><br /></div><div>-I was obviously a princess in a past life.</div><div>-I look like a French person</div><div>-I should pluck my armpit hair with my eyebrow tweezers</div><div>-I need to disinfect EVERYTHING (I probably do...)</div><div>-I realized the freckles on my shoulders are sun damage</div><div>-The Jersey Shore is an okay show... Snooki sure likes pickles!</div><div>-I'll be attacked my demons if I don't cover the back of my neck.</div><div><br /></div><div>Oh. and I shop. I shop online.</div><div><br /></div><div>and send an animated gif of a raptor on a stripper pole to one of my boyfriend's friends.</div><div><br /></div><div>and send awkward insecure messages to someone who's pretty much a stranger because I wonder how well I'm making friends. I come off as sooo pathetic sometimes. I'll probably never speak to him again.</div><div><br /></div><div>I did manage to resist sending the boy from high school a message. and I resisted following his account.</div><div>I seriously considered making a new account to say something creepy to him. I resisted that too. Too crazy! ...for tonight</div><div><br /></div><div>So there's that for self-restraint - and I can go to bed with that accomplishment.</div><div><br /></div><div>Even if I'm totally going to continue my mild form of stalking.</div><div><br /></div><div>Yeah, I can't not sound crazy. Maybe someone out there understands.... </div><div><br /></div><div>I love you girls. Even if I suck at updating my blog. </div>Anahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08677125303943923177noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1254205846995262584.post-53547393249899005842012-02-18T09:00:00.000-05:002012-02-18T09:00:04.579-05:00Fatty Fat Fat Update.I ate so much chocolate last night and I'm pretty disgusted with myself. Thinspo isn't working because I don't identify with it. Even though part of my brain thinks I'm still my low weight - but I KNOW that's not true. I'm pretty sure I'm around 140lbs right now, and I'm scared to check. <div><br /></div><div>I've been drinking a TON of water lately trying to make myself feel better about how I've been eating, but I don't think it's helping me eat less. </div><div><br /></div><div>I had to put my dog Gypsy Rose down 2 weeks ago. I almost posted a long post about how wonderful she was and how much I miss her. I had her from a puppy. She lived to be fourteen and a half, and then she had a stroke and developed epilepsy. Her back legs barely worked. It was the right thing to do, putting her down - but it left a hole in my life. My dad and I were with her when it happened, and I think she appreciated that. </div><div><br /></div><div>I do have another dog. Popcorn. She misses her sister and won't sit in Gypsy's chair. Pops would sit in Gypsy's chair all the time when she was around - but now she won't. </div><div><br /></div><div>I don't want to go on and on... there's a risk of that.</div><div><br /></div><div>What else is up? My boyfriend has a job. Which means we'll probably be moving in together. I had a seasonal job - but I guess that's over now. I don't want to work there anyway. It kept me on my feet - but they don't tell you anything, it took an hour to get there, they payed minimum wage, I was constantly busy, and the floor managers got mad at me if I didn't look busy enough. I put up with it, yes - but I don't actually <i>want</i> that sort of abuse.</div><div><br /></div><div>Other major life event. I took a leave of absence from school because I owed them money. </div><div><br /></div><div>Then my late financial aid from last semester came in, too late. </div><div><br /></div><div>lol, oh well. At least I have some money. I was so exhausted with being a student. A semester off will do me good. I need another job anyway.</div><div><br /></div><div>I will say that I feel like I'm on the verge of a new motivational spurt for losing weight. I feel suffocated in my clothes.</div><div><br /></div><div>My sleep schedule is completely backwards again, though. Which pisses me off. I don't want to be a vampire - and the longer I sleep the more total time I spend in this house. I always get home around a certain point in the night because of buses, but the later I sleep, the later the bus I catch. Thus squashing my boyfriend time. I'm actually writing this and it's 4:22AM - I'll set it up to post at a reasonable hour, though. I tend to do that.</div><div><br /></div><div>My house is incredibly depressing. I'm powerless here. </div><div><br /></div><div>Anyway... I'll force myself to write more. It will help get my weight down. </div><div><br /></div><div>I love you girls. I hope you're all okay.</div>Anahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08677125303943923177noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1254205846995262584.post-76289695827473998752012-01-14T02:17:00.003-05:002012-01-14T02:53:02.741-05:00Last Year's Resolutions, new Resolutions?Get a Job <- <span class="Apple-style-span" >Yes!</span> <div><br /></div><div>Cut my hair <- <span class="Apple-style-span" >Nope... </span></div><div><br /></div><div>Be more open towards my boyfriend's friends (why not?) <- <span class="Apple-style-span" >I got drunk at the New Year's Party. I guess that's a yes? </span></div><div><br /></div><div>Try not to scare off strangers who might be my friends <- <span class="Apple-style-span" >I've been doing okay at not being scary, I think. </span></div><div><br /></div><div>I will be in bed by 3AM on school days (yes, that's an improvement) <- <span class="Apple-style-span" >Not really </span></div><div><br /></div><div>Be 120lbs (or less - underweight starts at <118) <- ...pass</div><div><br /></div><div> Get a social hobby.</div><div> ->by that I mean something that involves a club or group or talking to people regularly<div>Learn a skill - may likely be combined with the previous resolution.<br /><br /><- <span class="Apple-style-span" >I do go to a sort of club once a week to chit-chat. Always with my boyfriend. I don't think I would go alone, but I do enjoy it.</span></div></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" ><br /></span></div><div>Now... What about this year? Honestly I haven't put a ton of thought into my resolutions this year. I have no motivation. </div><div><br /></div><div>A few things I do know...</div><div><b><br /></b></div><div><b>I'd like to move in with my boyfriend</b></div><div><b><br /></b></div><div><b>Graduate college</b></div><div><b><br /></b></div><div><b>Get a better job than I have</b></div><div><br /></div><div><b>TRY again with my weight. Do SOMETHING</b></div><div><b><br /></b></div><div>It sounds so stupid, I know. I'm not trying. The retail job is helping, but it leaves me too tired for constructive exercise at the end of the day. It leaves my feet sore. It robs me of sleep. It's not going to be the right thing for me in the long run.</div><div><br /></div><div>I haven't really told you much about the job... I didn't tell you when I got it. I started Black Friday. It was going to be seasonal work, but they hired me. It's part time and minimum wage - I'm spending the money as fast as I'm spending it. The commute takes like an hour or more, because of buses and wait time. It's really not the best thing for me - even if it's active and the people are nice. </div><div><br /></div><div>Bah. I've got to go.</div>Anahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08677125303943923177noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1254205846995262584.post-34283963812414179502011-12-28T04:47:00.001-05:002011-12-28T04:50:12.869-05:00Jessie J - Who You Are<iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/j2WWrupMBAE" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe><br /><br />Just sharing a sad, but positive song. I don't think she makes a single song I don't like, though.Anahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08677125303943923177noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1254205846995262584.post-75576930346447453472011-12-24T22:55:00.003-05:002011-12-24T23:22:34.495-05:00My parents do not protect meFigured I owed it to you to let you know I haven't wasted away into nothingness.<div><br /></div><div>A little ridiculous to think, actually. I'm quite fat right now. I'm under 140, my doom-line...but I'm close. </div><div><br /></div><div>My boyfriend is going away for a week or so, I'm going to try to lose a few pounds.</div><div><br /></div><div>Things are a little hellish right now.</div><div><br /></div><div>I'm impoverished. My parents are bringing the violent retarded alcoholic over for Christmas and I'm leaving the house. </div><div><br /></div><div>Apparently, it "has no place to go." </div><div><br /></div><div>Bull. Shit. </div><div><br /></div><div>But I won't get into a rant about that, because I'll go into freakout mode and cry over how much my parents don't fucking care whether or not I feel safe in my own home. </div><div><br /></div><div>I have to leave. At least I have someplace warm to go, and I don't have to spend all night looking for a place I can walk around in for nine hours on Christmas day. </div><div><br /></div><div>and I'll have a cat to play with.</div><div><br /></div><div>Despite the fact that my poor defenseless dogs are going to be locked in the house with a repulsive sack of shit for like NINE HOURS.</div><div><br /></div><div>And of course my parents will refuse to bathe them.</div><div><br /></div><div>And I won't be able to eat anything from my fridge for a long time again, because it will be dirty.</div><div><br /></div><div>I think I figured out why I'm so fucking pathetic.</div><div><br /></div><div>It's learned helplessness. No matter what I do, bullshit keeps piling up. There's no money, there hasn't <b>always</b> been someplace to go, and there <i>isn't</i> always a place to go, either.</div><div><br /></div><div>My parents do not protect me.</div><div><br /></div><div>Gah. Off to home to pack up a few things and hide others before the filthy creature gets there.</div>Anahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08677125303943923177noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1254205846995262584.post-51496736601473679152011-11-08T09:00:00.002-05:002011-11-08T09:00:23.647-05:00This scares meThis woman is overcompensating for her own deprivation by letting her daughter eat anything. I'm scared the girl is going to look in the mirror and think she's chubby some day. How is she going to cope with that?<br /><br /><div><span class="Apple-style-span"><a href="http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2058761/The-anorexic-mother-weighs-daughter-7.html">LINK</a></span></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Not to totally shame her. I'm not sure what the right thing to do is. Has she tried getting real help? There's so much about this story that's disturbing. </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Simple agreeing to do the article is probably a cry for help - maybe she's on the right path?</div>Anahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08677125303943923177noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1254205846995262584.post-73164685981488207312011-11-02T09:00:00.001-04:002011-11-02T09:00:17.010-04:00Slow.You know what's awkward about being a psychology major? <br /><br />Classes that talk about eating disorders. They all seem so basic.<br /><br />I'm taking a class now, it's a 400 level course with lots of discussion. We essentially dedicated the entire class to Anorexia. I held back a lot, I could have contributed something to every statement made. <br /><br />On one hand, it makes me feel not-incompetent. I have some serious issues with feeling incompetent among my peers. <br /><br />On the other, it also makes me feel a little naked. <br /><br />My head is filled with your blogs. I have a million anecdotes that aren't mine that fitted the individual items on the outline. I could have taught that class more thoroughly with tons of examples for everything from heritability to male motivations towards an ED.<br /><br />I really love that class, though. I'm less scared of that professor than others... I'd say I'm not scared of her, but if that were true I'd have emailed her and asked her a million questions about what the hell I'm supposed to do to get into a position where I can help someone. Why don't they teach you this? It's so confusing figuring out organizational and long-term planning by myself. There are resources, but even the resources are intimidating to me at my school.<br /><br />This is ridiculous, right?<br /><br />Oh, that reminds me. What kind of degree do you need to work in an Eating Disorder Clinic? I don't think I want to be a doctor. Maybe later in my career. I think I do want my Masters degree.<br /><br />I'm a shitty student. Not stupid, mind you - but there are differences between being smart and getting good grades. Organization, time management, and opening a book outside the library are qualities I can't even understand. I swear, sometimes it seems like time doesn't even work for me the way it does for other people.<br /><br />That sounds ridiculous, but I mean I can have 20 minutes worth of things to do in 45 minutes, and no matter how important something is to me - everything drags. Nothing seems real. I'm not lazy, I'm willing to do things - they just feel like I'd doing them underwater. With studying, no matter how simple the material is (which I could absorb in a lecture, mind you) in the book, my eyes seem to glaze right over things. It's almost pointless to crack a book before a test. Almost.<br /><br />Anyway. Let me know what sort of qualifications one might need to work in a clinic, if you happen to know. I know they're different by approach, and that necessary credentials will likely vary state to state - but some base with which to start putting things together will help.<br /><br />I feel more vulnerable now than normal, when I post. I'm not ashamed of my emotions - but I'm normally proud of my intellect and sounding stupid is a fear of mine. I do need help, though.Anahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08677125303943923177noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1254205846995262584.post-52159274151182158742011-10-28T09:00:00.000-04:002011-10-28T09:00:07.486-04:00A month?!I knew I wasn't writing much, but to see it's been over a month since my last post maddens me. I guess I've been fairly busy. I'm not sure with what... but apparently busy enough to lose track of time.<br /><br />This week has been particularly stressful. Lots of tests.<br /><br />I've been reading a book lately. A couple really, for classes - but one in particular which I find the most engaging. Reviving Ophelia by Mary Pipher. <br /><br />I actually kind of disagree with some of it. I won't go into too many details because I already talked about some of this with people I know and I'm paranoid, but one thing that stands out to me is that she said that androgynous people were the most well adjusted. I assume she didn't mean to any extreme degree. Just people who aren't terribly attached to their gender roles and do as they like rather than what's expected of them.<br /><br />At first I disagreed. It's normal to want to be girly! I *want* to be girly. I never got to be girly as a younger adolescent because of the fact that I was a giant deformed monster creature stomping though the halls and there was no point in dressing myself up, because then I'd just be a pig wearing a dress.<br /><br />I wasn't a well adjusted girl...<br /><br />Anyway. I realized that I've always valued my femininity. I was the little girl my mother wanted. I wanted to be a ballerina when I was four, five, six, howevermany years. I loved frilly dresses and short skirts when I thought I didn't look like a [hideously pockmarked] pig in a dress. I started to experiment with makeup before middle school. I just stopped at pubery because I stopped thinking I was pretty enough to adorn. <br /><br />Now that I'm less heinous to look at, I have started caring about how I look again. I have long hair (extremely), I'm obsessed with my figure (well...something), and I'm extremely interested in everything that can cover my many flaws. <br /><br />Am I well adjusted? <br /><br />You know what blog you're reading. You know what this is about.<br /><br />Speaking of, there's apples in my house :) Yay! It also helps me eat less at home because after I have an apple, my mouth feels clean and I'm somewhat filled up. Nothing is appealing after eating an apple. <br /><br />Didn't I write about them before? I looked, but I can't find them. I have lots of useful posts though! I almost forgot. I intended to compile a list of the better ones at some point and link them somewhere more permanently. <br /><br />I still don't feel motivated enough to do so. It would take the slightest bit of momentum. *paws helplessly at the computer monitor for some reason*<br /><br />Ooh! I left "Chobits" up in another window! <br /><br />"Chiiiii?"Anahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08677125303943923177noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1254205846995262584.post-47202182737744807092011-09-23T17:52:00.002-04:002011-09-23T17:58:31.485-04:00Avoiding social over-eating<iframe width="640" height="360" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/LmWsOdowEQE" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe><br /><br />Found this awesome video. <3 I love this chick!! I think she's pretty much my hero right this second.Anahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08677125303943923177noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1254205846995262584.post-60044008453354361792011-09-16T15:45:00.004-04:002011-09-16T16:08:56.857-04:00Update, then DiaryI literally have someone in my life who's convinced I'm trying to "destroy" him.<br /><br />And it's hilarious.<br /><br />Let this continue, then. <br /><br />Muah hahahaha<br /><br />Anyway. Weight hasn't changed. Brain hasn't changed. <br /><br />Although, there isn't any junk food in my house right now. The worst thing I'm eating regularly is hot chocolate with coffee mixed in. Which is awesome. <br /><br />My shopping addiction is dulling down a bit. Which is good. <br /><br />I currently need jeans, but I'm refusing to buy them until I lose the weight again. Eventually, when I'm down to wearing pajamas, my pride will still prevent me from buying jeans because I'm too fat. Hopefully this will motivate me. Hopefully it won't take that much.<br /><br />I'm not motivated with school either. I know I'm doing very poorly in a couple classes, I'm completely dismissive. It's like I'm just tuned out. I can't learn.<br /><br />I don't know how to fix this. Sleep? Sometimes I get a lot of sleep. Sleep doesn't fix it. <br /><br />Maybe my confidence is too low. Academically. Maybe if I could just learn one thing well, the momentum would pick up. As it is, I read a sentence in a book fifteen times and never pick it up. Even if it's something I understood a year ago.<br /><br />One good thing. I've started writing in my diary again. I dug it up and yesterday I wrote 14 pages. Granted it's a small diary, but it was a lot.<br /><br />I noticed my thoughts were very jumbled, even in complete privacy.<br /><br />Last time I started writing again, my thoughts cleared up a lot. It can be massively helpful. <br /><br />I think, even if you have a blog, you should try a diary too. It's extremely free. I mean... You don't have to worry about seeking anyone's approval. It's all about understanding the things you do. <br /><br />I think it makes me a better person than I would be... after a long time without writing regularly, I realize I've been doing things I don't understand. Like I'm less of a sentient human being than I was a few years ago.<br /><br />Which is disturbing.Anahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08677125303943923177noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1254205846995262584.post-67951699608297553692011-09-02T16:20:00.003-04:002011-09-02T16:56:19.838-04:00AnxietyI feel very anxious today. I don't think there's a reason why, exactly. I just started the day off missing a class I didn't do homework in. It's the first week of school. I feel pretty crappy about that. So maybe feeling crappy about myself started off the anxiety.
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<br />But it continued. I avoided eye contact with strangers on the street walking to the bus. Some woman said "excuse me bitch" on the bus and it made me feel worse. I started to feel aggressed towards, and suddenly I was worried I'd be pick-pocketed. I don't have anything to steal, and I don't think I look like I have anything to steal. This was irrational. There was just one jerk on the bus.
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<br />Also, when I came into my boyfriend's mother's house, I walked in by the door where she was mopping. I don't think I tracked anything in, but I still felt like an ass.
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<br />Then my beau's got kind of a short temper. Not like he's in a bad mood, but sometimes if I falter in my words, he gets frustrated because he's not getting the information as quickly as he wants it. It's hard to explain. It makes him sound like a jerk, but in reality he's just ADD.
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<br />I'm also very emotional. I'm almost crying right now and I don't know why. I don't feel anxious like someone's going to hurt me. I don't feel anxious like something bad's going to happen. I feel anxious like maybe someone is thinking bad things about me. All the noises in the room seem to make things worse. Even my boyfriend talking to himself is making me anxious.
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<br />It's weird. I think I attribute this to the sort of PMS irrational emotions, but it's not normal for me to get this way late in my period. This sort of thing is normally before my period starts, and not even normally this bad.
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<br />My boyfriend has a stuffed lion that purrs when you hug it. Which is weird, but also very comforting. So I'm holding that.
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<br />I wish I knew what was really wrong. It makes me think I should be seeing a psychologist. Which really feels like a stupid thing to say, but I'm too scared of people to see a psychologist. Ridiculous, right? It's still true.
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<br />A few years ago, I was so scared of people. I used to think it was social anxiety, but it's not. I wasn't afraid people wouldn't like me, I walked into a situation assuming they already didn't. I was more afraid they'd actually cause me harm. There were times in high school where I would close my eyes in the hallway and I'd have this feeling like someone was going to hit me. No reason. I just thought people would hurt me.
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<br />I really wasn't well-liked. I remember one time a boy in class had put fliers around the school advertising a basketball game that was coming up, telling everyone they should go. I was looking at a flier, and one of the more popular girls asked me if I was going. I asked what it was, and she told me. I said maybe. The boy who'd put up the fliers overheard and asked me not to go.
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<br />I didn't get much direct rejection like that in high-school. At the time I thought that was because everyone at my school was really nice, even though I was a loser. That was my thought process. In reality, I just had so little social interaction that I never put myself out-there for rejection. No one talked to me, I didn't talk to anyone.
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<br />The girl who I mention in this situation, let's call her "K," talked to me on several occasions. She had a reputation for being a bitch behind her friends' backs, but sometimes she'd initiate a conversation with me. This was so foreign to me I was terrified. I thought she was going to lure me off somewhere where I'd be put into some sort of Carrie Prom-scene moment.
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<br />I've been thinking a lot about high-school lately. Especially since I rediscovered my myspace account. I went through old messages and realized what a tool the boy I liked so damn much for like 4 years really was to me.
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<br />On one hand, I'm sure he didn't understand the way I behaved towards him. On the other, he thought I'd be privileged to have sex with him, and he was quite surprised when I didn't. None the less, he got much farther than he deserved and he still ignores me to this day.
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<br />I hope he gets sodomized with a cattle prod.
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<br />He's still my facebook friend though. Like two weeks ago I sent him a message with some out of context stuff from myspace I thought he might remember. He never replied.Anahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08677125303943923177noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1254205846995262584.post-29179600512671023622011-08-31T09:00:00.000-04:002011-08-31T09:00:01.253-04:00I'm feeling good about this semesterJust getting back to school has made me feel so much more active. I'm up in the morning again, and my days have a purpose. I currently have my period, and I'm going to wait until next week to head back to the gym for the first time this semester. I'm okay with that, though.
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<br />Going back to school is also good for me in the sense that now I'm going to bed a bit earlier. I would like 2AM to seem like a late hour to go to bed again. lol. This is going to help me with that "eating at night" weakness I have.
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<br />Being in school again means I'm once again surrounded by thinspo. Beautiful skinny girls. I saw my reflection once or twice - and I was actually happy. Why? Seeing myself so fat by comparison made me feel motivated. I felt sure I was going to lose weight.
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<br />I might be completely boned as far as financial aid goes this semester, though. We'll see. Panic has not set in yet. I don't know why. I guess I'm feeling too optimistic. Anahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08677125303943923177noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1254205846995262584.post-13581437359645394752011-08-10T09:00:00.000-04:002011-08-10T09:00:03.065-04:00Bad HabitsGiven how often I complain about being a failure, a faithful reader probably already knows my weaknesses....but for the hell of it, here's a list of [some of] my weaknesses. In no particular order.
<br /><ul><li>Eating at night. I get home and I feel like the first thing I have to do is eat. Why? I guess more specifically it's eating upon arriving home. I used to always eat after school, which could be part of it.</li><li>Bottomless snacks. My beau tends to put bags of chips in front of me. A stronger person would refuse, but I have an issue with diving right in.</li><li>Social eating. Eating is a bonding ritual. If you want to be close to someone, you eat with them.</li><li>Inability to throw away food. I know it's not <i>really</i> wasteful not to finish a plate at a restaurant, because no one else is going to eat it after it's been put on your plate. It's a waste to make the servings so large in the first place. It still feels like I'm wasting money, or food... it just makes me feel guilty.</li><li>Here's a WTF sort of habit. Eating when I feel energetic. I guess it could be called boredom eating. I'm nocturnal and I feel cooped up at night. Eating kills some of that hyper feeling.</li><li>Treating diet pop like it undoes some of the food-damage. It really doesn't. It has some caffeine and it's bubbly, which is fun - but I should know better. It's bad for me in it's own way.</li><li>Humoring my sweet tooth with sweets. I could easily do that with fruit, or maybe even juice... but I tend to seek out the fatty sugary disgusting things that are always around my house. </li></ul><div>
<br /></div><div>In retrospect, my entire adolescence would have been better if my family were healthier. Though it's not even just about me, I'm getting to a point in my life where I'm genuinely concerned for my parents' well-being. I don't even want to talk about it... but it's bad. I feel like everyone in that house is suffocating. So trapped. </div><div>
<br /></div><div>Anyway, when I don't eat "my share" of food, my parents tend to get irritated with me. My mother accuses me of being too thin, and my father accuses me of wasting the food I didn't buy or want.</div><div>
<br /></div><div>Firstly, I've never been too thin. My mother told me she used to have a 23 inch waist. She also told me that after 3 children, it was 25 inches. </div><div>
<br /></div><div>Are you kidding me? My body comes from my father's side. Curvier Mediterranean genes. My waist never got down to 25 inches. I got it to just under 25.5, and that was a huge deal for me. I'm thinner than her now... but she's cooped up all day. Eating out of anger and hatred of pretty much everything around her. Plus, she's in her mid-fifties. That doesn't help. </div><meta equiv="content-type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><meta equiv="content-type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><div>
<br /></div><div>What I really want right now is to be fit, honestly. It would be an improvement. I don't know what my waist is right now. I don't know what my weight is right now. I <i>have</i> been paying attention to my foods and activities, but I'm not in the right place. I don't know. Maybe if I hold out long enough for a day I don't feel like such a grotesque slob, I won't hate the number on the scale.</div>Anahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08677125303943923177noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1254205846995262584.post-30048443336825408592011-07-31T09:00:00.001-04:002011-07-31T09:00:03.643-04:00I never post! I suck :(<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://media7.onsugar.com/files/2011/04/17/4/192/1922398/ninadPS42811.preview/i/Pictures-Nina-Dobrev-Seventeen-Fitness.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 550px; height: 382px;" src="http://media7.onsugar.com/files/2011/04/17/4/192/1922398/ninadPS42811.preview/i/Pictures-Nina-Dobrev-Seventeen-Fitness.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />I bought the Seventeen Magazine fitness issue.<br /><br />I haven't gone through it yet, more than a skim. I always really liked Seventeen, but now I think I might be getting too old for it. Why?<br /><br />Shirtless Justin Bieber. <br /><br />It's just f***ing with my brain.<br /><br />I am no longer Seventeen. I'm 22, and I don't want to hump Justin Bieber. Or the guy from Twilight.<br /><br />I'm still fat. No real change there. I haven't eaten as much at night the past few days, partly because I've got a momentous painful sunburn. Seriously, my shoulders are shot. I can't lift my arms, it's just PAIN.<br /><br />It's my own fault, though. I mean, I had inconvenience...but really, a redhead goes to the beach without sunscreen? For like 7 hours? I'm a moron. It *was* cloudy when I left, but I should have thought of it first.<br /><br />Worst part is, I literally found 3 bottles of sunscreen when I got home. Where were they when I was packing? Fortunately, my aloe was also easy to find.<br /><br />In addition I sliced my leg shaving... It didn't seem that bad at the time, but it's still healing. Then I swam in lake Erie, and I swear, I think there was medical waste in that water.<br /><br />I'm so stupid.<br /><br />I've been trying to keep it clean. It's excruciatingly painful to clean this thing with alcohol, but I did it twice. And anti-bacterial ointment. I guess this is too much information. I mean, I could go on...<br /><br />It probably sounds like I had a miserable time, but I feel like I really bonded with my friend. The tiny one I've mentioned a few times, and I also like her friends. They're super nice. <br /><br />There's this one girl with Celiac disease. She can't eat gluten. <br /><br />My friend and I hung out afterwards. It was kind of boring, she had work to do. It's fine. I felt special.<br /><br />It's really an interesting feeling to hang out with someone who genuinely enjoys my company. I'm not good at making friends, but she's super calm and patient. Patient is a necessary quality for hanging out with me. And she's only ever a bad influence when we're shopping. And eating, because she always wants to get something to eat - but she does also encourage me to throw out my food once I start complaining about it. So that's good.<br /><br />"Let's get food!"<br /><br />5 minutes later... She throws out half of it.<br /><br />Though she did eat a footlong when were were out, I was shocked. AND ice cream!<br /><br />And she still had a flat tummy in a bikini. <br /><br />Oh well... Enough fussing. I'll try to post something useful soon.Anahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08677125303943923177noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1254205846995262584.post-87137903823739587832011-07-23T09:25:00.000-04:002011-07-23T09:25:00.795-04:00AnnoyancesIt's been stiflingly hot lately... There's no way around it. Doesn't help that neither I nor my boyfriend have air conditioning.<br /><br />One thing that bothers me is that my parents' room has air conditioning, and my dad's den has air-conditioning. But no place in the house in which I'm welcome is ever under 81 degrees. Last night it was 85. <br /><br />At least my boyfriend's mother's house has a furnished basement. Which, incidentally, is still too hot. It's a better place to be than others, right now, though. <br /><br />My beau and I are fairly annoyed with his mother lately, though. She's going to an anti-gay marriage rally with her church. I find this very disappointing. She may be quite catholic, but I didn't think she'd be the type of person to force her beliefs on other people. And honestly, I never got the impression she cared one way or the other about gay marriage. <br /><br />It shouldn't surprise me as much as it does, though. She's quite literally scared of just about <span style="font-style:italic;">EVERYTHING</span>.<br /><br />She screams when things are misplaced, when someone does something unexpected on TV, when she drops something, when she realizes someone's in the same room with her, when she stubs her toe, when the cat licks itself. <br /><br />And seriously, her son is an Atheist. She doesn't even push her beliefs on him. <br /><br />Gah. I don't understand people at all.Anahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08677125303943923177noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1254205846995262584.post-18594630899324654152011-07-05T16:50:00.003-04:002011-07-05T17:36:50.195-04:00A few things, and a video.Does caffeine get stored in fat? It would explain why I get so hyper at night, even when the caffeine I drank was 8 hours prior, or more. Caffeine is only supposed to last in your system for about 5 hours. Granted that I've always been a night person.<br /><br />I've been having a pretty hard time motivating myself to write anything. Why do I keep saying that? I need to work harder. Sometimes it feels like I've already said everything.<br /><br />Since this wasn't much of a post, please enjoy this thinspo video. <br /><br /><iframe width="560" height="349" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/eG7eb86MuG8" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe><br /><br />I like the song better in thinspo context than anime context :] Plus, whoever made it clearly worked very hard on it.Anahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08677125303943923177noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1254205846995262584.post-60443494870942546132011-06-24T09:00:00.000-04:002011-06-24T09:00:07.202-04:00They claim it tastes like beef.<div>I can't even begin to describe how weird and disturbing this is. </div><div><br /></div><div>Artificial meat, a video which cannot be unseen</div><div><br /></div><div><iframe width="560" height="349" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/u1N6QfuIh0g" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen=""></iframe></div>Anahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08677125303943923177noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1254205846995262584.post-7395047420672591822011-06-19T09:00:00.000-04:002011-06-19T09:00:00.926-04:00I've started jogging again<a href="http://i.imgur.com/218b0.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 500px; height: 375px;" src="http://i.imgur.com/218b0.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br />Picture unrelated, but still somewhat helpful. <div><br /></div><div>It's sad...but I don't feel too bad for laughing.</div><div><br /></div><div>Anyway, I'm going to start jogging with a friend. She's not a runner, so I've actually got more experience in this area and I feel pretty good about it.</div><div><br /></div><div>She's not trying to lose weight, actually she's trying to gain muscle. She knows I'm trying to lose weight, and she's not judgmental about it. Probably because she's so much smaller than anyone else I know. That's mostly because she's quite short, though.</div><div><br /></div><div>She's got quite a healthy body image. This isn't about vanity, at least not entirely. She wants to gain muscle mass. She wants to be strong. I also don't imagine she gets much trouble for how she looks, and so many people like her I'm pretty sure she can do whatever she wants.</div><div><br /></div><div>Why do everyone love short girls? They have an almost childlike quality, like you'll want to nurture them. Plus, all the short girls I know are so precocious. They seem to make friends easily.</div><div><br /></div><div>Anyway, wish me luck. I haven't been doing well with food lately, so hopefully this will help me pull it together. </div><div><br /></div><div>I'm also getting a lot more walking done since the weather has improved. </div><div><br /></div><div>Buffalo broke it's own record for rain this Spring, so the recent summer weather has been more than welcome by everyone.</div>Anahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08677125303943923177noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1254205846995262584.post-52948869787616393072011-06-11T09:00:00.002-04:002011-06-11T09:00:05.136-04:00Get Drunk, Not Fat!This is great. Quite practical!! <div><br /></div><div><a href="http://getdrunknotfat.com/">[GetDrunkNotFat]</a></div>Anahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08677125303943923177noreply@blogger.com1