Depth Perfection

Last Year's Resolutions, new Resolutions?

2012-01-14T02:17:00.003-05:00

Get a Job <- Yes!

Cut my hair <- Nope...

Be more open towards my boyfriend's friends (why not?) <- I got drunk at the New Year's Party. I guess that's a yes?

Try not to scare off strangers who might be my friends <- I've been doing okay at not being scary, I think.

I will be in bed by 3AM on school days (yes, that's an improvement) <- Not really

Be 120lbs (or less - underweight starts at <118) <- ...pass

Get a social hobby.

->by that I mean something that involves a club or group or talking to people regularly

Learn a skill - may likely be combined with the previous resolution.

<- I do go to a sort of club once a week to chit-chat. Always with my boyfriend. I don't think I would go alone, but I do enjoy it.

Now... What about this year? Honestly I haven't put a ton of thought into my resolutions this year. I have no motivation.

A few things I do know...

I'd like to move in with my boyfriend

Graduate college

Get a better job than I have

TRY again with my weight. Do SOMETHING

It sounds so stupid, I know. I'm not trying. The retail job is helping, but it leaves me too tired for constructive exercise at the end of the day. It leaves my feet sore. It robs me of sleep. It's not going to be the right thing for me in the long run.

I haven't really told you much about the job... I didn't tell you when I got it. I started Black Friday. It was going to be seasonal work, but they hired me. It's part time and minimum wage - I'm spending the money as fast as I'm spending it. The commute takes like an hour or more, because of buses and wait time. It's really not the best thing for me - even if it's active and the people are nice.

Bah. I've got to go.

Jessie J - Who You Are

2011-12-28T04:47:00.001-05:00

Just sharing a sad, but positive song. I don't think she makes a single song I don't like, though.

My parents do not protect me

2011-12-24T22:55:00.003-05:00

Figured I owed it to you to let you know I haven't wasted away into nothingness.

A little ridiculous to think, actually. I'm quite fat right now. I'm under 140, my doom-line...but I'm close.

My boyfriend is going away for a week or so, I'm going to try to lose a few pounds.

Things are a little hellish right now.

I'm impoverished. My parents are bringing the violent retarded alcoholic over for Christmas and I'm leaving the house.

Apparently, it "has no place to go."

Bull. Shit.

But I won't get into a rant about that, because I'll go into freakout mode and cry over how much my parents don't fucking care whether or not I feel safe in my own home.

I have to leave. At least I have someplace warm to go, and I don't have to spend all night looking for a place I can walk around in for nine hours on Christmas day.

and I'll have a cat to play with.

Despite the fact that my poor defenseless dogs are going to be locked in the house with a repulsive sack of shit for like NINE HOURS.

And of course my parents will refuse to bathe them.

And I won't be able to eat anything from my fridge for a long time again, because it will be dirty.

I think I figured out why I'm so fucking pathetic.

It's learned helplessness. No matter what I do, bullshit keeps piling up. There's no money, there hasn't always been someplace to go, and there isn't always a place to go, either.

My parents do not protect me.

Gah. Off to home to pack up a few things and hide others before the filthy creature gets there.

This scares me

2011-11-08T09:00:00.002-05:00

This woman is overcompensating for her own deprivation by letting her daughter eat anything. I'm scared the girl is going to look in the mirror and think she's chubby some day. How is she going to cope with that?

LINK

Not to totally shame her. I'm not sure what the right thing to do is. Has she tried getting real help? There's so much about this story that's disturbing.

Simple agreeing to do the article is probably a cry for help - maybe she's on the right path?

Slow.

2011-11-02T09:00:00.001-04:00

You know what's awkward about being a psychology major?

Classes that talk about eating disorders. They all seem so basic.

I'm taking a class now, it's a 400 level course with lots of discussion. We essentially dedicated the entire class to Anorexia. I held back a lot, I could have contributed something to every statement made.

On one hand, it makes me feel not-incompetent. I have some serious issues with feeling incompetent among my peers.

On the other, it also makes me feel a little naked.

My head is filled with your blogs. I have a million anecdotes that aren't mine that fitted the individual items on the outline. I could have taught that class more thoroughly with tons of examples for everything from heritability to male motivations towards an ED.

I really love that class, though. I'm less scared of that professor than others... I'd say I'm not scared of her, but if that were true I'd have emailed her and asked her a million questions about what the hell I'm supposed to do to get into a position where I can help someone. Why don't they teach you this? It's so confusing figuring out organizational and long-term planning by myself. There are resources, but even the resources are intimidating to me at my school.

This is ridiculous, right?

Oh, that reminds me. What kind of degree do you need to work in an Eating Disorder Clinic? I don't think I want to be a doctor. Maybe later in my career. I think I do want my Masters degree.

I'm a shitty student. Not stupid, mind you - but there are differences between being smart and getting good grades. Organization, time management, and opening a book outside the library are qualities I can't even understand. I swear, sometimes it seems like time doesn't even work for me the way it does for other people.

That sounds ridiculous, but I mean I can have 20 minutes worth of things to do in 45 minutes, and no matter how important something is to me - everything drags. Nothing seems real. I'm not lazy, I'm willing to do things - they just feel like I'd doing them underwater. With studying, no matter how simple the material is (which I could absorb in a lecture, mind you) in the book, my eyes seem to glaze right over things. It's almost pointless to crack a book before a test. Almost.

Anyway. Let me know what sort of qualifications one might need to work in a clinic, if you happen to know. I know they're different by approach, and that necessary credentials will likely vary state to state - but some base with which to start putting things together will help.

I feel more vulnerable now than normal, when I post. I'm not ashamed of my emotions - but I'm normally proud of my intellect and sounding stupid is a fear of mine. I do need help, though.

A month?!

2011-10-28T09:00:00.000-04:00

I knew I wasn't writing much, but to see it's been over a month since my last post maddens me. I guess I've been fairly busy. I'm not sure with what... but apparently busy enough to lose track of time.

This week has been particularly stressful. Lots of tests.

I've been reading a book lately. A couple really, for classes - but one in particular which I find the most engaging. Reviving Ophelia by Mary Pipher.

I actually kind of disagree with some of it. I won't go into too many details because I already talked about some of this with people I know and I'm paranoid, but one thing that stands out to me is that she said that androgynous people were the most well adjusted. I assume she didn't mean to any extreme degree. Just people who aren't terribly attached to their gender roles and do as they like rather than what's expected of them.

At first I disagreed. It's normal to want to be girly! I *want* to be girly. I never got to be girly as a younger adolescent because of the fact that I was a giant deformed monster creature stomping though the halls and there was no point in dressing myself up, because then I'd just be a pig wearing a dress.

I wasn't a well adjusted girl...

Anyway. I realized that I've always valued my femininity. I was the little girl my mother wanted. I wanted to be a ballerina when I was four, five, six, howevermany years. I loved frilly dresses and short skirts when I thought I didn't look like a [hideously pockmarked] pig in a dress. I started to experiment with makeup before middle school. I just stopped at pubery because I stopped thinking I was pretty enough to adorn.

Now that I'm less heinous to look at, I have started caring about how I look again. I have long hair (extremely), I'm obsessed with my figure (well...something), and I'm extremely interested in everything that can cover my many flaws.

Am I well adjusted?

You know what blog you're reading. You know what this is about.

Speaking of, there's apples in my house :) Yay! It also helps me eat less at home because after I have an apple, my mouth feels clean and I'm somewhat filled up. Nothing is appealing after eating an apple.

Didn't I write about them before? I looked, but I can't find them. I have lots of useful posts though! I almost forgot. I intended to compile a list of the better ones at some point and link them somewhere more permanently.

I still don't feel motivated enough to do so. It would take the slightest bit of momentum. *paws helplessly at the computer monitor for some reason*

Ooh! I left "Chobits" up in another window!

"Chiiiii?"

Avoiding social over-eating

2011-09-23T17:52:00.002-04:00

Found this awesome video. <3 I love this chick!! I think she's pretty much my hero right this second.

Update, then Diary

2011-09-16T15:45:00.004-04:00

I literally have someone in my life who's convinced I'm trying to "destroy" him.

And it's hilarious.

Let this continue, then.

Muah hahahaha

Anyway. Weight hasn't changed. Brain hasn't changed.

Although, there isn't any junk food in my house right now. The worst thing I'm eating regularly is hot chocolate with coffee mixed in. Which is awesome.

My shopping addiction is dulling down a bit. Which is good.

I currently need jeans, but I'm refusing to buy them until I lose the weight again. Eventually, when I'm down to wearing pajamas, my pride will still prevent me from buying jeans because I'm too fat. Hopefully this will motivate me. Hopefully it won't take that much.

I'm not motivated with school either. I know I'm doing very poorly in a couple classes, I'm completely dismissive. It's like I'm just tuned out. I can't learn.

I don't know how to fix this. Sleep? Sometimes I get a lot of sleep. Sleep doesn't fix it.

Maybe my confidence is too low. Academically. Maybe if I could just learn one thing well, the momentum would pick up. As it is, I read a sentence in a book fifteen times and never pick it up. Even if it's something I understood a year ago.

One good thing. I've started writing in my diary again. I dug it up and yesterday I wrote 14 pages. Granted it's a small diary, but it was a lot.

I noticed my thoughts were very jumbled, even in complete privacy.

Last time I started writing again, my thoughts cleared up a lot. It can be massively helpful.

I think, even if you have a blog, you should try a diary too. It's extremely free. I mean... You don't have to worry about seeking anyone's approval. It's all about understanding the things you do.

I think it makes me a better person than I would be... after a long time without writing regularly, I realize I've been doing things I don't understand. Like I'm less of a sentient human being than I was a few years ago.

Which is disturbing.

Anxiety

2011-09-02T16:20:00.003-04:00

I feel very anxious today. I don't think there's a reason why, exactly. I just started the day off missing a class I didn't do homework in. It's the first week of school. I feel pretty crappy about that. So maybe feeling crappy about myself started off the anxiety.

But it continued. I avoided eye contact with strangers on the street walking to the bus. Some woman said "excuse me bitch" on the bus and it made me feel worse. I started to feel aggressed towards, and suddenly I was worried I'd be pick-pocketed. I don't have anything to steal, and I don't think I look like I have anything to steal. This was irrational. There was just one jerk on the bus.

Also, when I came into my boyfriend's mother's house, I walked in by the door where she was mopping. I don't think I tracked anything in, but I still felt like an ass.

Then my beau's got kind of a short temper. Not like he's in a bad mood, but sometimes if I falter in my words, he gets frustrated because he's not getting the information as quickly as he wants it. It's hard to explain. It makes him sound like a jerk, but in reality he's just ADD.

I'm also very emotional. I'm almost crying right now and I don't know why. I don't feel anxious like someone's going to hurt me. I don't feel anxious like something bad's going to happen. I feel anxious like maybe someone is thinking bad things about me. All the noises in the room seem to make things worse. Even my boyfriend talking to himself is making me anxious.

It's weird. I think I attribute this to the sort of PMS irrational emotions, but it's not normal for me to get this way late in my period. This sort of thing is normally before my period starts, and not even normally this bad.

My boyfriend has a stuffed lion that purrs when you hug it. Which is weird, but also very comforting. So I'm holding that.

I wish I knew what was really wrong. It makes me think I should be seeing a psychologist. Which really feels like a stupid thing to say, but I'm too scared of people to see a psychologist. Ridiculous, right? It's still true.

A few years ago, I was so scared of people. I used to think it was social anxiety, but it's not. I wasn't afraid people wouldn't like me, I walked into a situation assuming they already didn't. I was more afraid they'd actually cause me harm. There were times in high school where I would close my eyes in the hallway and I'd have this feeling like someone was going to hit me. No reason. I just thought people would hurt me.

I really wasn't well-liked. I remember one time a boy in class had put fliers around the school advertising a basketball game that was coming up, telling everyone they should go. I was looking at a flier, and one of the more popular girls asked me if I was going. I asked what it was, and she told me. I said maybe. The boy who'd put up the fliers overheard and asked me not to go.

I didn't get much direct rejection like that in high-school. At the time I thought that was because everyone at my school was really nice, even though I was a loser. That was my thought process. In reality, I just had so little social interaction that I never put myself out-there for rejection. No one talked to me, I didn't talk to anyone.

The girl who I mention in this situation, let's call her "K," talked to me on several occasions. She had a reputation for being a bitch behind her friends' backs, but sometimes she'd initiate a conversation with me. This was so foreign to me I was terrified. I thought she was going to lure me off somewhere where I'd be put into some sort of Carrie Prom-scene moment.

I've been thinking a lot about high-school lately. Especially since I rediscovered my myspace account. I went through old messages and realized what a tool the boy I liked so damn much for like 4 years really was to me.

On one hand, I'm sure he didn't understand the way I behaved towards him. On the other, he thought I'd be privileged to have sex with him, and he was quite surprised when I didn't. None the less, he got much farther than he deserved and he still ignores me to this day.

I hope he gets sodomized with a cattle prod.

He's still my facebook friend though. Like two weeks ago I sent him a message with some out of context stuff from myspace I thought he might remember. He never replied.

I'm feeling good about this semester

2011-08-31T09:00:00.000-04:00

Just getting back to school has made me feel so much more active. I'm up in the morning again, and my days have a purpose. I currently have my period, and I'm going to wait until next week to head back to the gym for the first time this semester. I'm okay with that, though.

Going back to school is also good for me in the sense that now I'm going to bed a bit earlier. I would like 2AM to seem like a late hour to go to bed again. lol. This is going to help me with that "eating at night" weakness I have.

Being in school again means I'm once again surrounded by thinspo. Beautiful skinny girls. I saw my reflection once or twice - and I was actually happy. Why? Seeing myself so fat by comparison made me feel motivated. I felt sure I was going to lose weight.

I might be completely boned as far as financial aid goes this semester, though. We'll see. Panic has not set in yet. I don't know why. I guess I'm feeling too optimistic.

Bad Habits

2011-08-10T09:00:00.000-04:00

Given how often I complain about being a failure, a faithful reader probably already knows my weaknesses....but for the hell of it, here's a list of [some of] my weaknesses. In no particular order.

Eating at night. I get home and I feel like the first thing I have to do is eat. Why? I guess more specifically it's eating upon arriving home. I used to always eat after school, which could be part of it.
Bottomless snacks. My beau tends to put bags of chips in front of me. A stronger person would refuse, but I have an issue with diving right in.
Social eating. Eating is a bonding ritual. If you want to be close to someone, you eat with them.
Inability to throw away food. I know it's not really wasteful not to finish a plate at a restaurant, because no one else is going to eat it after it's been put on your plate. It's a waste to make the servings so large in the first place. It still feels like I'm wasting money, or food... it just makes me feel guilty.
Here's a WTF sort of habit. Eating when I feel energetic. I guess it could be called boredom eating. I'm nocturnal and I feel cooped up at night. Eating kills some of that hyper feeling.
Treating diet pop like it undoes some of the food-damage. It really doesn't. It has some caffeine and it's bubbly, which is fun - but I should know better. It's bad for me in it's own way.
Humoring my sweet tooth with sweets. I could easily do that with fruit, or maybe even juice... but I tend to seek out the fatty sugary disgusting things that are always around my house.

In retrospect, my entire adolescence would have been better if my family were healthier. Though it's not even just about me, I'm getting to a point in my life where I'm genuinely concerned for my parents' well-being. I don't even want to talk about it... but it's bad. I feel like everyone in that house is suffocating. So trapped.

Anyway, when I don't eat "my share" of food, my parents tend to get irritated with me. My mother accuses me of being too thin, and my father accuses me of wasting the food I didn't buy or want.

Firstly, I've never been too thin. My mother told me she used to have a 23 inch waist. She also told me that after 3 children, it was 25 inches.

Are you kidding me? My body comes from my father's side. Curvier Mediterranean genes. My waist never got down to 25 inches. I got it to just under 25.5, and that was a huge deal for me. I'm thinner than her now... but she's cooped up all day. Eating out of anger and hatred of pretty much everything around her. Plus, she's in her mid-fifties. That doesn't help.

What I really want right now is to be fit, honestly. It would be an improvement. I don't know what my waist is right now. I don't know what my weight is right now. I have been paying attention to my foods and activities, but I'm not in the right place. I don't know. Maybe if I hold out long enough for a day I don't feel like such a grotesque slob, I won't hate the number on the scale.

I never post! I suck :(

2011-07-31T09:00:00.001-04:00

I bought the Seventeen Magazine fitness issue.

I haven't gone through it yet, more than a skim. I always really liked Seventeen, but now I think I might be getting too old for it. Why?

Shirtless Justin Bieber.

It's just f***ing with my brain.

I am no longer Seventeen. I'm 22, and I don't want to hump Justin Bieber. Or the guy from Twilight.

I'm still fat. No real change there. I haven't eaten as much at night the past few days, partly because I've got a momentous painful sunburn. Seriously, my shoulders are shot. I can't lift my arms, it's just PAIN.

It's my own fault, though. I mean, I had inconvenience...but really, a redhead goes to the beach without sunscreen? For like 7 hours? I'm a moron. It *was* cloudy when I left, but I should have thought of it first.

Worst part is, I literally found 3 bottles of sunscreen when I got home. Where were they when I was packing? Fortunately, my aloe was also easy to find.

In addition I sliced my leg shaving... It didn't seem that bad at the time, but it's still healing. Then I swam in lake Erie, and I swear, I think there was medical waste in that water.

I'm so stupid.

I've been trying to keep it clean. It's excruciatingly painful to clean this thing with alcohol, but I did it twice. And anti-bacterial ointment. I guess this is too much information. I mean, I could go on...

It probably sounds like I had a miserable time, but I feel like I really bonded with my friend. The tiny one I've mentioned a few times, and I also like her friends. They're super nice.

There's this one girl with Celiac disease. She can't eat gluten.

My friend and I hung out afterwards. It was kind of boring, she had work to do. It's fine. I felt special.

It's really an interesting feeling to hang out with someone who genuinely enjoys my company. I'm not good at making friends, but she's super calm and patient. Patient is a necessary quality for hanging out with me. And she's only ever a bad influence when we're shopping. And eating, because she always wants to get something to eat - but she does also encourage me to throw out my food once I start complaining about it. So that's good.

"Let's get food!"

5 minutes later... She throws out half of it.

Though she did eat a footlong when were were out, I was shocked. AND ice cream!

And she still had a flat tummy in a bikini.

Oh well... Enough fussing. I'll try to post something useful soon.

Annoyances

2011-07-23T09:25:00.000-04:00

It's been stiflingly hot lately... There's no way around it. Doesn't help that neither I nor my boyfriend have air conditioning.

One thing that bothers me is that my parents' room has air conditioning, and my dad's den has air-conditioning. But no place in the house in which I'm welcome is ever under 81 degrees. Last night it was 85.

At least my boyfriend's mother's house has a furnished basement. Which, incidentally, is still too hot. It's a better place to be than others, right now, though.

My beau and I are fairly annoyed with his mother lately, though. She's going to an anti-gay marriage rally with her church. I find this very disappointing. She may be quite catholic, but I didn't think she'd be the type of person to force her beliefs on other people. And honestly, I never got the impression she cared one way or the other about gay marriage.

It shouldn't surprise me as much as it does, though. She's quite literally scared of just about EVERYTHING.

She screams when things are misplaced, when someone does something unexpected on TV, when she drops something, when she realizes someone's in the same room with her, when she stubs her toe, when the cat licks itself.

And seriously, her son is an Atheist. She doesn't even push her beliefs on him.

Gah. I don't understand people at all.

A few things, and a video.

2011-07-05T16:50:00.003-04:00

Does caffeine get stored in fat? It would explain why I get so hyper at night, even when the caffeine I drank was 8 hours prior, or more. Caffeine is only supposed to last in your system for about 5 hours. Granted that I've always been a night person.

I've been having a pretty hard time motivating myself to write anything. Why do I keep saying that? I need to work harder. Sometimes it feels like I've already said everything.

Since this wasn't much of a post, please enjoy this thinspo video.

I like the song better in thinspo context than anime context :] Plus, whoever made it clearly worked very hard on it.

They claim it tastes like beef.

2011-06-24T09:00:00.000-04:00

I can't even begin to describe how weird and disturbing this is.

Artificial meat, a video which cannot be unseen

I've started jogging again

2011-06-19T09:00:00.000-04:00

Picture unrelated, but still somewhat helpful.

It's sad...but I don't feel too bad for laughing.

Anyway, I'm going to start jogging with a friend. She's not a runner, so I've actually got more experience in this area and I feel pretty good about it.

She's not trying to lose weight, actually she's trying to gain muscle. She knows I'm trying to lose weight, and she's not judgmental about it. Probably because she's so much smaller than anyone else I know. That's mostly because she's quite short, though.

She's got quite a healthy body image. This isn't about vanity, at least not entirely. She wants to gain muscle mass. She wants to be strong. I also don't imagine she gets much trouble for how she looks, and so many people like her I'm pretty sure she can do whatever she wants.

Why do everyone love short girls? They have an almost childlike quality, like you'll want to nurture them. Plus, all the short girls I know are so precocious. They seem to make friends easily.

Anyway, wish me luck. I haven't been doing well with food lately, so hopefully this will help me pull it together.

I'm also getting a lot more walking done since the weather has improved.

Buffalo broke it's own record for rain this Spring, so the recent summer weather has been more than welcome by everyone.

Get Drunk, Not Fat!

2011-06-11T09:00:00.002-04:00

This is great. Quite practical!!

[GetDrunkNotFat]

Enjoyable things that aren't Eating

2011-06-07T09:00:00.000-04:00

I'm not one of those girls who lives for the feeling of my stomach being empty.

So here are a few things I sincerely enjoy that [mostly] indirectly result in exercise or not eating out of boredom.

1. Walking at night with my boyfriend.
-It's extremely pleasant when the weather is nice. I find it super bonding, and even when we're not saying anything and just walking side by side, it's so comforting to be with him. Plus, it's exercise you can forget is exercise.

2. Wearing perfume
-Like I said in my last entry, I think it offsets appetite. Plus, it makes me feel beautiful.

3. Playing with my hair
-I can kill a lot of time playing with my hair, especially if I have a camera. Hilarity ensues.

4. Watching YouTube
-I can kill so many hours on youtube if I have a good enough computer. With a movie, I might be tempted to pause it and get food, but with youtube it's a series of short videos that hold your attention

5. Reading
-I don't do enough of this, but reading can envelope you in a world that's not your own. You feel personally involved because everything is as your mind paints it, and you move the story along by turning the page.

6. Pacing, or dancing
-I pace at night, sometimes dance. I just put on my headphones and I'm occupied for a couple hours.

7. Sleeping
-If you can sleep, you should sleep.

8. Drawing
-I used to do this a lot. I started feeling discouraged and like I never had time for it. I remember though, my best drawings would have my rapt attention for like 3 hours

9. Making movies on your computer
-Editing together videos from short nubs of camera phone clips can be fun. If your anything like me you've got numerous 30 second clips of adorable animals on your camera phone. No cat goes un-filmed. lol. However, slide-shows can be fun too. Thinspo videos?

10. Playing video games.
-[One of my favorite games] You can totally cheat at this game... In fact it's kind of cheating to play the fullscreen .swf version I'm sending you. ^_^ but it's more fun to fly and bounce and play than to make it on day one.

11. Online Shopping.
-I don't recommend it. Nope. Click. This is so bad. Click. Gosh that's cute. Add to basket. Damnit. I shouldn't be doing this. Click. Do I really need all this perfume...? Yes. Yes I do. Amazon makes it nicer because you can make a wishlist to stare at forever. e.l.f saves your basket for 30 days. They're also constantly having sales. This is a habit I need to break, but I love to stare at pretty-shiny-new.

12. Dressing up
-Put on your cutest dress, do your make-up, spray on something feminine. Have a pretty-day. <3

13. Floss, mouthwash, brushing your teeth.
-Is it weird that I consider this fun? It feels so clean and fresh. This will also deter eating, I think. That's what the tip-lists say.

14. Lay in the sun
-The sun puts me to sleep. It makes me feel drowsy and comfy. If I knew I wouldn't burn, I'd sleep out in the yard. Unfortunately, though - I have to be very conscious of how much time I spend in the sun because I'm a redhead.

15. Writing in a journal
-I'm more conscious of what I'm writing about when I write in my blog. In my journal I can write 15 pages of naturally flowing thoughts, and I think it's extremely good for me.

16. Exercising when you feel like exercising
-On that day when you know you have a ton of energy. When you know you're going to feel amazing after a workout. When the thought of running makes you happy, and you don't *have* to do it.

17. Just sitting outside.
-When the inside gets dark and depressing and stifling, I can just sit outside where it's fresh and bright. It's usually like a whole different world. It's not necessarily quiet, but so long as no one is talking to me - it's close enough.

18. Facebook stalking your friends
-Or enemies. Or strangers. Or every one of the girls on your boyfriend's friend list. You know, whatever. lol ^_^

19. Play a prank the victim can't really be very mad about
-Owe someone money? Pay them back in pennies. Devise some elaborate plot to do a good deed in a way that maximizes your sense of enjoyment.

20. Make a list of things that make you happy.
-My mood? Quite lifted ^_^ Plus, you can come back to it later. Make it in the physical world, into something pretty and durable.

I feel pretty ^_^

2011-05-31T09:00:00.001-04:00

I'm kind of big lately, yes. But today, I've got this shiny lovely self image. It's rare, and it felt worth blogging about.

I'm even breaking out pretty badly on my chin. None the less, I put some color correcting powder and some foundation on, and I feel pretty.

I'm just wearing worn jeans and a haynes t-shirt. New sandals.

Some eye make-up

and I feel pretty. Like a young, care-free, lovely girl.

I think maybe it's the perfume. My day is wrapped in orange blossoms.

I've found I really like perfume. Part of this cosmetic-kick I'm on.

I actually recommend it - I suspect the lovely smells might curb appetite.

Who wants to ruin the scent of orange blossom with something like reheated cow flesh?

Book

2011-05-24T09:00:00.000-04:00

Losing weight is like reading a book. Once you get into it, you don't really notice what's happening... Then after a while, you look at your progress - and there's a huge difference made from when you started.

It's rewarding when you realize it's day 1 and you're 1/3 through the book. Weight loss doesn't happen that quickly, but normally so many pages is a long time from the perspective of the characters.

Just a thought. I'm reading a book - and it's actually absorbed me. I might share it with you. If it's too sad, I also might not.

None the less, it's quite nice to have that thought in my head.

I've put that figurative book down so many times because I've been discouraged. I guess in a book, you can't go backwards like I have. But if I turn some pages, I can make a difference again.

Am I taking my little metaphor too far?

<3 I'm feeling a bit more motivated. I ought to give myself blog deadlines again...

Update

2011-05-17T09:00:00.003-04:00

My semester was a bomb

My waist is 27 inches (it used to be 25.5)

I'm eating at night again

I'm bored.
I want to run away.
I think I want...nature. Camping, hiking, and maybe several outings on boats.

I do think that the end of the semester is clearing my brain-fog a bit. Which is great.

Nothing I want to happen is going to happen in the near future, though.

I need stimulation. I'm incredibly bored with my life.

Pin-ups: photo v painting

2011-05-05T09:00:00.003-04:00

Ran across this gem browsing images on imgur.com

One thing to note is that they actually paint these women prettier than they are.

I guess that's to be expected. Prettier, and thinner - despite the alleged "curvy" ideal.

The background is pretty interesting too. They don't even model with good props.

I've been staring at this thing for ages. So interesting. I hope you like it as much as I do

A trick to look thinner

2011-04-27T09:00:00.000-04:00

So in honor of my newfound love of make-up, I figured I'd post a video on contouring.

I haven't actually tried this myself. I intend to - I just need the right products for my super-pale skin, and I need to get it right the first time (blah, money)

There are other contouring tutorials in the sidebar that are more subtle. But if you're anything like me, you'll want to play.

^_^

Happy Easter! Timely tip-

2011-04-24T04:46:00.004-04:00

I'm PMSing right now, and I realized something

Though I do crave sweets, I don't crave chocolate as much as I usually do.

I think it's got something to do with my cocoabutter obsession right now.

I didn't used to like the smell, but now I find it soothing - and it does sort of smell like chocolate all the time, so I guess more of that desire is satisfied.

Plus, the Palmer's stuff is something I can find at all the cheap stores, and it works amazing.

I've got this skin treatment oil stuff, as a cheap substitute for the vitamin E oil I was using for a long time - I prefer the Palmer's stuff. I also have this swivel stick, which is good for when my powder dries up my skin or when I get an itchy dry spot somewhere. I ordered this spray moisturizer stuff online - oh, I should mention - serendipity - I was looking for spray moisturizer, of any sort. When I found it, it was Palmer's brand.

I sound like an ad. I hate that, but it's cheap and it's good. Other brands might be just as good, but this is so easy to find.

Anyway, I thought it might help you cope with whatever Easter candy ends up floating around your house.

I know you know, but it's nice to watch

2011-04-22T09:00:00.002-04:00

Wow, they shortened youtube embed codes somehow... yay

Anyway, I like her channel, and I liked watching her do this.

I guess it kind of reinforces and normalizes this behavior to watch it.

If you watch people do it, it becomes less weird to do yourself...

Which has other implications... but for the time being... yay!

Found a motivating thinspo blog

2011-04-13T09:00:00.003-04:00

Paint Me Thinner

Things I found to be particularly inspiring which I found collected here:

Mean Girl (venting...for a long time)

2011-04-06T01:30:00.003-04:00

I have a need to vent right now. I'm trying to avoid venting on [real]facebook because I'm trying to be more likeable.

Sounds weird, but I figure that I only need one person who loves me for who I am - and most people are going to get small doses of me at any given moment. Since I don't give a f*** what these insignificant parties in my life think of me, I'd might as well not burn bridges with unapproachability.

I mean to say that acquaintances don't have to hear me vent. They don't care. I don't care about them. It's just better if they like me.

But in reality, you're about to find out what a bitch I am, if you can bear to read this rot.

Anyway, today I had to deal with this fat f*** I can't stand. Let's call him Evan. He schemes ridiculous things. He's quite possibly a pathological liar. Possibly a narcissist. I mean, he knows he's a fat f***, but he's got a fragile ego and if you catch him in a lie, he acts like a victim and blocks you out of his life.

Which he's trying to do with me, but this is not his arena. And his inevitable failure will make him hate me even more.

A problem I have with a pathological liar hating me... well here's a thought - he might lie about me.

This all started when he was disrespecting my beau. I got angry, because Evan had volunteered for a position within an organization that my boyfriend belongs to - and Evan wasn't the slightest bit qualified. It had to do with deciding what tech things were worth keeping and what weren't. He wanted to throw out so much stuff! Stuff that belonged to people. What's more, he's not even technologically inclined. He didn't know what was worth selling, what was worth keeping. He just wanted to clear out everything he didn't understand. My beau argued, but he asserted some imaginary authority on the matter that didn't go beyond the volume of his voice, and my beau was frustrated.

I called him out on that sh**. Pretty much tore him a new one, and threw in some insults when he got cheeky.

"Keep your panties on"
"Not a problem around you, Evan."

Today I had to sit through a meeting with this dumbass. When I spoke up, he said I made an attack on him when I called him out on some bull. I admit I was aggressive, but my concerns were valid. People more or less saw through him.

I've more or less made it my goal to put him in his place. He's so full of shit!!

All through the meeting today I kept writing fat jokes in my notebook. That's how I dealt with my anger on the issue. When he said he'd ask me to leave (I only gave the one comment, mind you), I laughed and pointed out that he didn't have the authority to do that. He said it was his meeting. But it's not his space. f*ck that, I can stay. I can skip down the hallway naked if I damn well please - but again, I wouldn't.

Keeping my panties on around him is no problem.

I drew a doodle playing on something he said. Disagreeing with my beau. "This is my 'but' on the matter." I drew a fat ass on a breaking chair with the caption "This is my butt on the matter"

So... why do I turn to body image when his personality gives me sooo much ammo?

Ha.

I don't know. I'm not the only one. I guess I expect it to hurt him as much as it would hurt me - if I were a fat f***. Relatively speaking. And it probably would hurt him.

When I first met him, he was eating donuts. Said his blood sugar was low.
He's not diabetic, or hypoglycemic. He just wanted an excuse to eat like a fat f***. I was more in control at the time, I watched him stuff his fat face with disgust - even though I tolerated him quite well back then.

Today I made a personal goal to make sure everyone in this group likes me. Separate from my goal to be more likeable - but compatible, certainly.

Smile. Be friendly. Try to be pretty.

This group is mostly men, and a few rarely-attending women. The most frequently attending woman is a transexual who's not exactly easy on the eyes - or the nose... or the ears for that matter, that falsetto needs some serious work. I'm not about to touch or lick her, but I daresay it's safe to assume that she's offensive to every physical sense. She's nice, though. I don't want to see her bad side, though - because she could kick my ass. Which would involve touching me. Ew. Oh, and she's a friend of Evan.

Point is that I feel fairly comfortable assuming that since I'm younger, a female, and have less competition than in other arenas - I can garner sympathy by being sweet to people.

I'm calling this my evil plot. In reality I'm just trying to keep something good from being ruined by incompetence. He claims to be a genius, and he talks a lot - I'm worried people believe him.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Also, today I made the effort to post to a friend of my boyfriend's facebook status with a small coincidence, a parallel between his day and mine.

I know it was a little thing. I almost didn't post it. but I said it outloud to my boyfriend, who thought I should try to be social.

So I post this little bit of coincidence, and someone - a stranger mind you - replies with a great big "O...M...G..!!!" Very sarcastic. I found it hurtful.

And it's not that I give a damn what this person thinks. But she doesn't know me. So where did she get a bad impression of me?? Does she go around insulting people who mention little things on facebook? Did my boyfriend's friend say something nasty about me to a stranger? Is she a friend of the cliquey bitches mentioned in some much earlier post who all unfriended me at once over how ugly I think dyed-red hair is? Part of why I try not to rant in facebook statuses anymore.

Who is this random bitch??

My beau thinks it could have been a misunderstanding. A direct response to his friend, rather than to me. Some inside joke.

It didn't seem that way, though.

So I looked at her profile. Quite public. Saw where she lived. Looked at her pictures.

Looked at her pictures and instantly felt better.

Seriously, she looks like a man wearing a wig. Not just any man, a man who just got his ass kicked. Dark circles around her eyes, ugly shadows and angles. More masculine than me - and I normally think I'm pretty heinous.

So I resorted to her own appearance to assess the worth of her statement.

The difference between this and Evan is that I actually have a feel for Evan's personality. I actually do dislike Evan on merit. Ha.

This girl. This girl is a stranger! I guess I can assume a few things about her, assuming this isn't a misunderstanding. For one, that she's got a sensitive trigger. If it's not entirely on the merit of hating small coincidences being mentioned on facebook, then it's based on a more personal hatred. Maybe he's spoken ill about me... Hell, maybe he likes me. Maybe she's got me mistaken for someone else. Maybe she likes him and sees me as a potential threat, maybe she's friends with someone else who hates my guts. That circle is mixed company. Maybe she just doesn't like my face. Maybe she's bitter because of hers.

I can be quite vicious. I didn't reply. Despite that I'm 99% sure that it was intended to make me look like an idiot, I'm not about to go picking fights with some moron on facebook.

Today.

Well, there you go. Now you've seen my wrathful side. I don't fully understand why I take comfort in knowing those who oppose me are hideous.

It might have something to do with how much sympathy I think I can garner. I know a lot of people say looks don't matter, but for the love of god - when a generally unpleasant person is also ugly, that's just dysfunctional.

Maybe it's knowing that even though I don't have a lot of ground in these issues - ie: I think my boyfriend's friend hates my guts anyway (why doesn't he just delete me? I'd probably cry... but rather that than the hate out of nowhere!)... I actually do have ground in the Evan case. Seriously. Much precedent that he's full of sh**.

Also, Evan has ostracized someone who's impossible not to like. Seriously. He's like a big teddy bear, one of my favorite people. And it's completely unrelated to my problem, so it's not just sympathy hate.

Ugh. Evan, you fat lying f***. Worthless loudmouth idiot liar. Wants to fill this organization (which is for a particular category of smart people) with hippies and gamers. Pathetic. F**king loser. I also hate his voice. It's tolerable if you haven't figured out how awful it is, but once you determine the worth of the words, the sound becomes unbearable.

.-.-.-.-..-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

I'd rather my plans to manipulate things my way not be expressed as I feel them.

Really, I'm only saying this because I'm angry.

I mean, even though I mean it - I could phrase it much better.

I just want to sound vicious, so I can feel victorious when he's inevitably destroyed by the weight of his own sh**.

And the depth of my dismissal of this girl is about equal to the depth of her complaint, so...

You know, people who don't like me can just go f*** themselves. With Pine-apples. Wrapped in barbed wire. With a timed explosive embedded therein.

>:| End of story

I hope you don't think any less of me. I really had to put this somewhere.

A tale of failure.

2011-03-20T10:00:00.001-04:00

My waist is 27 inches.

I haven't been willing to step on the scale again, yet. I've been too scared. With almost a full 2 inches to my waistline, who could blame me?

I must seem so stupid and lacking in self control. I guess I always have been. Pretty disgusting, really.

I've been eating a lot at night. Have I said that before? I'm doing it again. Worse than ever, during break. I think the lack of order in my life is really throwing me off.

The other day I got to walk around for hours and hours with my friend and my boyfriend's friend's family. Quite a day, I was completely wiped out afterwards. It was gorgeous and sunny and I took one hell of a nap the next day. I must have burned hundreds of calories, I'm happy to say. Though again, I ruined it the next day.

I also think I eat a lot the day after I take a sleeping pill, n a semi-related note. Like I'm trying to fuel myself, when the damn pill doesn't wear off completely for like 18 hours. For me at least. I have low tolerances for even over-the-counter pharmaceuticals because I very rarely take them.

Small update

2011-03-17T09:00:00.002-04:00

Happy St. Patrick's day! :]

I tried some Green Tea pills. They did awful things to my stomach.

I read up some side-effects of fat-blockers, and they made sense - however, these pills weren't marketed as fat blockers, and were fairly cheap. It worries me a bit. I suspect they might have had some odd reaction with the fish oil I take.

I also wonder if maybe there was something wrong with the supplements? but that's paranoid.

Anyway. It ruined a chunk of my spring break. Feeling better, now - not back to 100% yet.

Today should also be exciting :] lots of walking around, even though I won't be likely to get any "party"-like things done. Bah. I probably never will. A few days ago, my friend and I wandered around aimlessly down town to find everything was closed. Mark of inexperience, I guess.

Have a lucky day! :P

Cognitive Dissonance

2011-03-13T15:11:00.005-04:00

The other day my beau and I were wandering through a grocery store looking at magazine covers. There was a car magazine or something with a girl in a bikini somewhat randomly shopped into the corner.

I say to my beau "I think she's bigger than me."

It took me a good 30 seconds to realize that I meant that as an insult to the girl on the magazine cover.

This seems insufficient to leave this explanation in it's entirety to the title of this post, but I'm not sure how else to describe this feeling.

Why is she considered beautiful, even though she's bigger than me?

There are explanations, most of them have to do with my perhaps being ugly or less busty or crazy... but the conflict in my mind is still there. Size is extremely important to me, even if I know it's not the same (or at least to the same degree) for other people.

RX strength reverse thinspo

2011-03-05T09:00:00.000-05:00

The kind of reverse thinspo only Jerry Springer can deliver. :] lol

But seriously. It's quite disgusting.

Just a video to get you through the day

2011-03-02T09:00:00.001-05:00

Also, Today is my 22nd birthday.

I'm quite old, now.

I asked my mother not to make me a cake... It's for other reasons, actually... but hey.

Sparkling water and borrowed tips

2011-02-25T09:00:00.002-05:00

I've been gone a long time and I feel like I owe you an explanation.

I can blame school, yes. I'm busy a lot.

I'm also ashamed of how I've been eating.

I haven't gained an exorbitant amount of weight. Probably 5 pounds. I'm afraid to step on a scale and I've been eating a lot. My clothes still fit fine. I'm also retaining water right now. Excuses, though. I should be 120lbs, not 130+. I don't know what I weigh. I want to weigh in on a day I'm proud of myself.

I also came across THIS the other day. The site is very lifestyle Ana, yes... but it made me feel so much more motivated. I think the most motivating for me was #5. Which is shameful, yes - but I'm quite insecure around my boyfriend and really do scrutinize other women when we're together.

One thing I want to do more of is drinking sparkling water.
A store in walking distance sells 34oz bottles of sparkling water for 65 cents, and at convenience stores that are massively overpriced, they seem to consistently be a dollar.
So there's a lot of good here.
1. No calories
2. No aspartame
3. No sodium
4. They have flavor
5. They're bubbly.
6. They're cheaper
7. You get more of it
8. I can get my caffeine elsewhere.
9. Actually counts as water intake
10. After you finish you've got a great big water bottle (I love that)

-I have caffeine pills and I can still get my boost without 1. having it with every meal and 2. getting all the aspartame and sugar assumed to go with it.

And yes, I do think sparkling water is somewhat filling. It's on that list of tips, too, actually (#98). My personal discovery of it comes before my discovery of the list, though. I've had an on and off love affair with sparkling water since I was a kid, but seeing the prices at the store recently rekindled that romance.

Yummy
:]
Anyway, I hope you're well. I'm sorry I haven't been posting or commenting. I'll try to catch up this weekend.

Skinny Bitch

2011-02-03T16:15:00.002-05:00

Does anyone have a digital copy of Skinny Bitch? A PDF would be fine, and anything the kindle might read because I might have access to one soon.

you can email it to me at anahambre@gmail.com

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I have something tucked away for a rainy day which I'll probably whip out soon.

This is like a horror movie!

2011-01-23T09:00:00.003-05:00

Oh, god. The calories! No, oh god - not the mayonaise!! D: THE HORROR

Keeping with the theme of nauseating humor, I present crazy Swedes making an "ordinary meal"

This'll put you off pizza for a while

2011-01-13T18:14:00.004-05:00

I guess this is reverse thinspo? Either way, it's pretty disgusting.

Epic creepy.

*edit: found this on reddit, not directly from craigslist

New Years Resolutions 2011

2011-01-07T08:30:00.000-05:00

Borrowing a few from last year's, I'm determined to do the following.

Get a Job
Cut my hair
Be more open towards my boyfriend's friends (why not?)
Try not to scare off strangers who might be my friends
I will be in bed by 3AM on school days (yes, that's an improvement)
Be 120lbs (or less - underweight starts at <118)
Get a social hobby.
->by that I mean something that involves a club or group or talking to people regularly
Learn a skill - may likely be combined with the previous resolution.
->ie: sewing, knitting, grooming pets, baking, massage, lol - anything really. Driving might be a good one, if I had any use for it.

Last year's resolutions

2011-01-06T08:07:00.000-05:00

I haven't really put much thought into resolutions for this year, but I thought I'd go back and see how I did with last years resolutions

They were good, right?

Let's see how I did.

[X]I will be below my lw, 126 Yay!
[X]I will have more pictures of myself Meh. I wanted my beau to take them.
[]I will make a new friend I've met some nice people - I got scared
[X]and catch up with an old friend Yes! My tiny friend with no appetite.
[]I will cut my hair It's been a year? Never did it!
[X]I will dutifully take my multivitamin Well enough
[]I will develop a taste for tea I drink it, but I still don't like it
[]I will use the school's gym. Nope
[X]I will walk more, even in the snow Definitely did that!
[]I will be stronger, more organized, and powerful Well, for a while there
[]I will make my grades reflect this. Spring 2010=awesome, Fall 2010=failz
[X]I will make myself do things I don't want to do Not enough, but more
[X]I will be more independent. I can read bus schedules and my parents drive me nowhere
[]I will get a job Well... That should be done
[X]I will not be the weak pathetic dependent useless damsel in distress I've been my entire life. My beau says I am, but I disagree

I think this sets up a pretty good basis for determining my next years resolutions.
Actually, it might not be such a bad idea to do monthly resolutions. I'll consider it.

But for now, I'll dream up some goals to achieve in the coming year. I'll post them tomorrow.

Found something lovely last night

2010-12-28T08:00:00.001-05:00

Robert A. Heinlein on art.
^Open it

I don't remember what I was looking for. Just going through google searching for beauty, I guess.

I don't know. Something about that quote burns me up inside. Breaks my heart.

Now I really want a copy of that statue...you know? It's lovely.

Sharing a video

2010-12-23T09:00:00.000-05:00

It's a little babbling, really - but she's a recovering anorexic and the message is simple. . . Be kind to yourself. Be tolerant with your family.

Someone died last night

2010-12-21T14:43:00.004-05:00

A 14 year old girl died last night
Her name is Andrea
She died in the hospital
She was in recovery
Her mother was in Germany at the time
Her father is dead.
Pretty sure she died of heart failure.

I know all this because she was tweeting at the time. @xAnaismybff

She blacked out, so her doctors knew she was sick again
So they put her in the hospital and told her to gain 38 pounds.
She refused
Ran away
Almost died on the streets from self-inflicted wounds.

They brought her back.
But she died. That night. Last night.

This whole thing is disturbing to me on so many levels.
Not just because a 14 year old girl died...but if that doesn't break your heart, I don't know what would.
What I also find disturbing, is that even though it does break my heart - I'm a little jealous of how thin she got.
She had a bmi of 12.3

I'm sick. I'm sick. I'm sick.

It makes me so angry that I could even think like that. If I ever doubted that I really am f*cked in the head, I know it now.

And I'm sorry, for making you read those thoughts of mine.
That was a child
and she deserved to live
She deserved to grow up and have a family and be successful at whatever she wanted.

What's more, her friend lost 4 friends to anorexia this year.

and it's only a few days to Christmas.

Let your thoughts be with her family and friends. Especially friends, really. I didn't know this girl at all, but I'm concerned for girls who may be as disordered as she was. Girls she knew from the hospital.

I know this sort of thing happens a lot.
It's still a tragedy
A serious tragedy

I don't even know what it takes to bring someone that far gone to recovery. Is it really just waiting for them to die? How do you make someone want to be well? I don't think you can, but that makes me so angry.

I'm sorry...

I'm gonna go.

Stunning staff 'bad for business'

2010-12-16T09:00:00.000-05:00

Sharing an article I happened across online. I guess it's kind of old.

It's not even the study really, but the envy it discusses

The line "How women look is regarded as a central component to how they will fit in with the world" stings with accuracy.

And I, who have been failing horribly lately, feel particularly vulnerable to the pains of envy...

Anyway, image is link. Will open in new tab.

Winter thinspo video

2010-12-15T09:00:00.003-05:00

Winter is here.

It's very much here.

And I don't know if I'm happy or sad. It was a long time coming, I must say. It's not abnormal to have snow on Halloween, it was like a month late this year.

I guess I'll probably gain weight. I'm probably gaining daily. This week has been pretty bad. Stress eating? The kind of eating I do when I'm procrastinating but have something stressful upcoming.

Really, the worst is behind me... I just have a paper I haven't started yet due Thursday by midnight. It's not too long (~10), and I'm a pretty good writer - but I've found that being a good writer has little to do with a successful research paper.

I can't gloss over my complete lack of understanding of the subject matter with my writer's voice.

And the citing! I hate the citing.

I hate the research, too.

I also hate the subject matter. It sounded fun. A psychology course about music! Yay!
No.
Graphs, biology, statistics, studies, images of the brain in every method of scanning, theories, disorders - what's more it was a class for people with a background in musical training. I missed like the first 2 weeks of class.

Anyway, enjoy this pretty video.

Facebook are d*cks

2010-12-09T09:00:00.000-05:00

Thanks for being so sympathetic to my facebook loss. I didn't expect so much, really. I felt like I was just ranting.

I'm still pretty angry. I did track down a friend I'd been talking to, though, so that's something.

The reply I received:

-------------------------------------------------------------
Hi,

When a Facebook account is disabled, the profile and all information associated with it are immediately made inaccessible to other Facebook users. Facebook does not use information associated with disabled accounts which means that none of this information will be visible on the site.

Unfortunately, for safety and security reasons, we cannot delete from our servers information associated with disabled accounts. We also cannot grant you access to a disabled account to retrieve content, nor can we provide you with any content that was associated with this account. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause. This decision is final and cannot be appealed.

Thanks for your understanding,

Jill
User Operations
Facebook

------------------------------------------------------------------

Anyway, did you know customer service people and debt collectors use false names?

There's no one named "Jill"

In fact, it was probably a man who wrote this email

That probably gets generically sent out to anyone who sends in a complaint
and complaints are extremely difficult to send, because they hide the link that actually leads to any sort of customer service email.
You dig and dig and dig
find it
write it
they send a confirmation email
you write it again
then you get mailed a form letter that says you have no power.

F*CK YOU FACEBOOK.

I will have your firstborn babies, disfigure them, and sell them to the freakshow at great profit.

Grrr!

~:| ... :) admittedly writing that made me a little happy. I like dark humor.

Sharing a Tumblr blog that's beautiful

2010-12-07T09:00:00.001-05:00

Click the image to open the blog in a new tab. It has a loading page - which I think is odd because it's not terribly complicated. Maybe it's for some sort of aesthetic reasoning? Anyway, you may be cautioned if you're doing something else complicated and/or have a fussy computer.

My Facebook was deleted

2010-12-04T00:08:00.005-05:00

Which really pisses me off. It was a private account. I didn't encourage starvation - though for some reason I kept getting added to groups I couldn't leave. I had a ton of friends. They also deleted my blog fan page. :/ Which brought me lots of traffic.

So whoever reported my facebook page

Go cuck a sock.

Yeah. I don't even know how to go about reconstructing what I had.

I've sent facebook an email asking for my fan page back. I'm not going to fuss over the facebook account itself, because I was in fact using a "false name." Nevermind that I lost about 3000 friends. I'm more concerned over the couple hundred fans on my fan page. I really loved that :( I consider that a bigger loss.

I really did try to be careful of who I added, and who could see my profile. For every friend I added I also rejected a creeper.

It's amazing how isolated having your account deleted can make you feel. I went from having this huge support group to there being this...wall... Cut off and rejected. Suddenly, with no warning. I feel like I've been robbed.

One more thing! Who are they to say it was a false name?
Sooo many people have double facebook accounts for work purposes.
Lots of people don't use their real last names on facebook.
You're not even allowed to use a cartoon character in your facebook photo, which is the meme this week, because it's copyrighted material.
Really, getting your facebook deleted is arbitrary and

Well, I'm just pissed. You know that.

Facebook has become something of a social necessity. I mean, my real one is the only way I maintain friendships. I have no money or car or apartment or other way to get in touch with them...

It's actually a bit scary how easily that can be taken away.

Especially considering that there are literally THOUSANDS of false-named girls on facebook.

...I'd like to know what's wrong with seeking understanding from people who think like you do.

Why do people insist they know what's right for us?

And why is "right" mean suffering alone?

Because I know the fact that my name wasn't real isn't the real reason I was deleted. It was just the excuse. Someone had a reason for what they did. Some stupid self-righteous reason... I hope whoever it was gets hit by a truck.

Nutrition info, and a question

2010-12-02T09:00:00.002-05:00

The only class I'm doing well in is Nutrition. I could have taken the exams the first day of class and gotten a good grade. And I'm thrilled I'm doing well in at least one course - looking at an A I would say. We had the last lecture in the class on Monday, and the topic was eating disorders. I have a feeling I could do this exam while juggling on a unicycle.

That sounds totally conceited. Oh well.

There's a lab for that class too. The assignment due next week is a write-up having to do with basal metabolic rate. I'm thinking of modifying it a bit and posting it to my blog so you can see the tables and formulas and all that.

Also, apparently being malnurished can lower your BMR - I expected fasting to do so, but this was listed separately. So that's a pretty good reason to take your vitamins and try to get things when you can.

Oh, and in my lecture my professor mentioned youths who had chronic illnesses being at higher risk for eating disorders. She mentioned diabetes as an example, because it's an issue that requires watching your diet. Which is weird. I knew the other risk factors she listed - things like having been abused, having critical parents, high family expectations. I think the chronic illnesses note was anecdotal, because she used to work at a hospital and she mentioned seeing a lot of it.

I'm very curious if any of you can relate to having had a "chronic illness" as a child?

Real Failure.

2010-11-19T10:00:00.004-05:00

I'm doing horribly this semester.

I'm at my low weight, but I'm scared I'm going to gain because frankly just about everything has changed for the worst in that regard.

I feel so sick. I don't want to get sick.

I have to see a doctor and I haven't had a flu shot.

I missed every Spanish class this week. I'm 90% sure I'm going to fail.

I'm 99% sure I'll fail my other morning class, because I have an adversary. Some horrible chick who dominates the group and is ostracizing me because I wasn't there for the planning stages of the project - which is like 3 classes - even though I'm trying to catch up.

I'm almost certainly going to have to go over her head on this one. I am reading a lot into her behavior, but there's just this oboxiously stuck-up vibe I get from her. Her body language too - won't look at me, won't address me directly.

I'm going to have to fight every second of this semester and I'm terrified of this. That chick should really get hit by a train or something.

This semester is awful. I have almost no shot. I'm scared. F*cking scared. I just want to pause everything, and go escape reality for an undetermined amount of time. Maybe during this escape whatseruglyface will get hit by that train. That would be fantastic. The world pauses, but she still gets hit by a train.

Perfect world.

Fail fail fucking failure.

I swear, nothing hurts more than trying and failing.

NO ONE BELIEVES I'M TRYING

That hurts too. I can't get out of bed in the morning. I miss my buses. I curse myself, I curse the buses, I cry - nothing comes of it. And of course I'm too fucking scared to talk to my professors. I don't have anything to say to them. Maybe a psychology professor would understand that I can't get out of bed in the morning but that's so damn personal. I'm terrified of talking to people, and of conflict. I don't want to cry in someone's office. I don't want to get bitched at for not trying hard enough.

I fucking hate self pity, but I can't get a grip on myself. I've felt violent urges several times this semester. It's stress. I haven't hurt anyone, but I fucking dare someone to talk to me in a state like that.

I'm so fucking stuck in the middle of everything. I can't do anything right. Everything is against the grain.

I'm fucking terrified

and I'm sorry for the swearing. I swear a lot lately. I don't like it either.

New low weight :] and a question

2010-11-11T09:00:00.001-05:00

I'm at 125 :]

Scared I won't be able to maintain it.

Also, a question

When I lose weight, it feels like everything else gets bigger and I stay the same. Clothes get baggier. Bones that protrude seem like they popped out of nowhere. Seats seem wider.

Is it like that for you too?

Healthy foods, cheap

2010-11-06T09:00:00.000-04:00

Forgive the links, I realize they seem bare and lazy - but I'm pretty much broke - and this is on my mind. So I googled cheap healthy foods. Lots of results, actually. These are the first few.

There is some overlap, so... well, yeah.

I found it pretty helpful and informative.

15 healthy foods for about 2 dollars

20 healthiest foods under a dollar

25 Cheap, Healthy, and Delicious Foods

50 Healthy Foods for Under a dollar a Pound

I find this picture comforting

2010-11-01T09:00:00.000-04:00

Paris Hilton being a spokesperson for some Australian beer company

The girls behind Paris in the picture are thin, yes, but I don't think they're underweight. Size 2 or 4. Paris is underweight. And I think the girls behind her are prettier than her, and that has to do with shape.

My boyfriend agrees.

Maybe you'll disagree, or maybe it's trivial.

I just find this comforting.

"Finish your plate"

2010-10-27T08:25:00.003-04:00

In my nutrition class there was a lecture on developmental nutrition. This was very interesting to me... My professor talked about how small children are very good at determining how much they should be eating. She said somewhere along the line, we lose touch with our bodies. And that probably has to do with being told to finish our plates.

I can remember being six and walking away from the dinner table with food on my plate. I remember being told to finish my food. Sometimes I'd be able to delegate the task to my brother, a living garbage disposal. Or sneak food to the dogs. And once I remember my oldest brother wrapping up my greenbeans in a napkin for me so I wouldn't have to eat them. One of my favorite childhood memories, actually.

I also remember when I started finishing my plate. I was proud of myself.

It's also largely that I got eating habits from my parents. A "daddy-sized" bowl of ice cream got me in trouble in the fifth grade. It was like five scoops. I don't think I was old enough to make the connection between eating and chubbiness, even if I already suspected I was chubby.

Point is, when I have kids - I'm going to let them eat however much they want, and probably try to make them choose small portions and go back for seconds if they want them. lol, I admit I did "make my eyes bigger than my stomach" a lot when I was little. I wasted a lot of food and hated leftovers. I hope they'll see food to be as trivial as my boyfriend does, and not feel bad throwing out half a burger if they can't go home to wrap it up.

This whole guilt thing I deal with has to go! I feel guilty eating, I feel guilty throwing it away... and I feel anxious wrapping it up because I worry it will get touched. Hopefully things will get better when I'm out of that awful house.

Neither of which really capture the character...

2010-10-24T22:55:00.002-04:00

At first I saw THIS and was amused in kind of a guilty sort of way....

Then I saw THIS and I don't know what to think anymore -_-

Speaking of halloween, I'm going to be a sexy police officer. Because cops are scary and should be degraded.

>_>

Anyway. Yeah. Exposed belly button. Need more sit-ups.

Worst part is I'll be PMSing on Halloween, so I don't know what my belly and/or skin will be doing. I know they're not stunning right now.

Changing your self-perception

2010-10-14T10:17:00.005-04:00

I have a friend. I think I've mentioned her. She's maybe 5'2" and 100 pounds.

She's got a naturally tiny appetite, and she gets teased for being small.

I envy her. She'll forget to eat all day, and then when she gets a chance she eats the fattiest foods she can, but can never manage to finish them.

I've been trying to emulate her in this regard. You know, without the fatty foods thing. As a result, I've dropped a few pounds. Which is fantastic. Fake it 'til you make it sort of thing.

So if I pretend to have the appetite of someone who's 100 lbs naturally, maybe I can get a little better than I have been.

I really wish I was a type-A personality too. I know plenty of people who are. I have role models in that regard. Lately I've been thinking of how much I hate missing my first class of the day ( I really DO hate that so much! ). I'm hoping I'll stop thinking of myself as the kind of worthless slug who misses buses over and over and over because I fucking suck at life o_0

...I'll be okay

Anyway. Yeah. I need to change my self perception to change my behavior and performance. Little affirmations help.

I AM STRONG

I DO MY HOMEWORK

I CAN DEFEAT MORNINGS!

Mornings are tough. They literally make me ill. Getting up quickly has always made me sick in the morning, and I have to unwind in bed for 20 minutes to avoid puking up whatever little thing I eat for breakfast.

So much of my poor performance is because I don't think I deserve better than I've been achieving, and that I hinder my performance because I think someone else deserves to reap the benefits more than I do. This isn't conscious, but it's something I need to make conscious so I can fight it.

I've been taking better care of myself lately. I try to put a little more effort into my appearance so I don't feel like I'm less than other girls. There's nothing standing between being a thin, beautiful, successful woman except my own willingness to achieve what I know I do want. I don't know why it's so hard to act like I deserve to be better than I feel like I deserve, but somehow it is.

This post was somewhat inspired by something I watched about performance on standardized tests. You've probably heard of the experiments where they give complicated math tests to men and women, and preface them with a note about the scores typically being affected by gender, or not affected at all. The women performed better when told that men and women perform the same on the test. Their own expectations about how they would perform affected the outcome. The experiment had more to do with the fairness of standardized testing and how prejudice affects a child's performance on state exams, and things like the SATs, but it got the gears in my head going.

Don't act like you don't deserve something you want, when you can have it as easily as anyone else.

Too-Cool Thinspo

2010-10-10T08:01:00.000-04:00

Theses are epic ^_^ It's the songs that really put it over the top.

Omega 3 update

2010-10-05T09:19:00.001-04:00

I've noted a marked improvement in my hair, my nails.... and yeah, my skin. Which is pretty awesome, actually.

I can't say for certain that it all gets traced back to the omega. My cycle might affect things. I have this new coconut mousse for my hair. I tried this nail hardening stuff...but lost it after I tried it once. Which sucks, because it was kind of expensive.

But my skin is looking pretty good. I mean, someone who doesn't know my face would still say I have bad skin, but the redness has definitely gone down. I have some pimples, but they're pretty minor.

I was just looking at myself in a mirror a little while ago. I smiled. I was noticing features I normally don't.

I felt like I was looking at a pretty girl with scandinavian features. My nose, my chin, my cheekbones, my eyes. I am more than my bad skin :] I haven't felt that way in ages.

And even if it is partly in my head, or my cycle, or temporary in any way - it was an entirely new way of seeing myself. I saw myself the way I would see another person. Another person who wasn't ugly.

I feel like a salesperson lately. Maybe I should work at a GNC or something.

Not eating at home is the best thing I've done

2010-10-02T09:00:00.002-04:00

My biggest challenge with losing weight has been how I always insist on eating the leftovers from the dinner my parents made... It's kind of a guilt thing, because I'm never home. On a week day I'm gone from 8:30AM-12AM or later. My boyfriend is everything after school.

But ... for reasons I don't care to repeat... in part because they make me look completely mad, I know... I haven't been eating at home. Except for the fiber plus bars I have stashed behind the couch, and I learned the hard way not to O.D. on those.

Yeah, but anyway - I don't really know what else to credit for my being a solid size 4. At least in Old Navy. I didn't try on jeans anywhere else, I had a coupon. I think the sizes weren't weird or anything, though ^_^

It's nice, though - being able to google my size and find skinny people in the pictures. :]

Scary morning

2010-09-27T10:00:00.004-04:00

I felt okay when I first got up this morning. I stashed a fiber plus bar in my purse for when I had time for it. I had to get a ride from my dad to get to campus...

On the shuttle that goes from one campus to the other, I started to feel sick.

Nauseous. Overly warm. Dizzy. It was awful. Worst of all the shuttle was packed and I couldn't sit down, so I sat on my heels for a moment, and a girl asked me if I wanted her seat. Normally I would reject that sort of request, even if I would be better off - but I just felt so sick I didn't really have a choice.

I ate a lot yesterday, so despite the fact that I hadn't eaten breakfast I don't think I was starving or anything. I am expecting my period, sometimes I get dizzy when I have pms - but I've never come this close to passing out before. It was awful.

I put my head down on my arm, because I was at the front and I had this bar I could rest on... I did that... My head felt so heavy, but in a way like I wasn't aware of the weight. It was hard to keep up, but I didn't feel strain necessarily. I guess I was just weak. When I did lift my head, I found I couldn't see out of my right eye. I couldn't open it, like it was glued closed or something. I rubbed at it. It opened, I guess. Things were really dark for a while. I guess I was close to blacking out. I was scared. I thought I was going blind. Then things changed

We got to the campus, and everything went from black to white in my vision. Everything was whited out, and hard to see. I didn't want to stand up to get off the bus, but I didn't want to be someone else's problem so I muttered something about not feeling well and pulled myself up.

As I started to walk, I felt weightless in a weird way. I had no choice but to move slowly, it wasn't a conscious decision - I just felt like my mind couldn't move as fast as my legs could, and I didn't want to fall.

The fog cleared up.... I ate about 350 calories from my locker food. Some peanuts, a fiber plus bar, and a starbucks mocha thing. The kind that comes in a glass bottle... I still felt odd. But I went to class. Took a quiz. Probably did okay. The girl I sat next to was really nice. Just seems notable.

After class I ate a rice krispy treat. I feel really cold. It could just be that the building isn't being heated right now, I'm hoping it's not still my body being disagreeable.

but wow... that was awful. I'm still pretty worried.

I am feeling warmer, now, though.

Has this ever happened to you? At all? Anything like this??

Wanna get caught up for hours in amazing thinspo?

2010-09-26T09:35:00.001-04:00

Entropy Whale's blog

Entropy Whale's twitter

I love this picture....

2010-09-24T09:35:00.001-04:00

Found this in an facebook friend's album. ^_^ Perfect thinspo. Thanks Emily!

Omega-3

2010-09-22T11:06:00.006-04:00

After learning about omega-3 in my nutrition class I decided to go out and get supplements....

I ended up choosing a gummy variety because I was weirded out by the listings of what fish oils were in the pills, and I've heard they give you fishy breath.

I realize the gummies have the same fish oils, but they're masked with sugar and flavoring.

If I like the results of the omega-3, I'll probably switch to the pills for the lack of sugar - but in the mean time, the gummies are only ten calories each and I think the benefits will outweigh the calories.

Benefits of Omega-3

Heart - By helping reduce the risk of arrhythmias and sudden death by a heart attack.

Brain - Better brain function though more efficient neurotransmitters leading to improved concentration, memory, less likelihood of depression and reduced risk of ADHD in children.

Cholesterol & Triglycerides - By lowering triglycerides and help balancing your cholesterol.

Joints & Arthritis - Better joint function from reduced inflammation and a reduction in pain.

Skin & Beauty - Improves the health and appearance of your skin, helps keep nails strong, as well as your hair healthy and shiny.

Immune System & Cancer - A stronger immune system, proven to be beneficial for the body's immune function, lowered risk of breast and prostate cancer.

Vision - Improved focus, colour, perception and clarity of vision.

Digestive System - By improving intestinal health and reducing inflammation assisting those with IBS or Crohn's Disease.

Allergies - Omega-3 fatty acid intake by mothers during pregnancy may protect babies against the development of allergies. It may help people with existing allergies.

Diabetes - Fish oil enhances insulin secretion from beta cells in the pancreas, regulating blood sugar levels. DHA plays a protective role in diabetic neuropathy in all forms of diabetes.

The primary reason I'm using them is because I've read they do wonders for acne. But the strong hair and nails aspect is also something I could really use.

The allergies in mothers aspect is fascinating too. So many kids have allergies, and I can see how a deficiency in Omega-3 could be related to that fact, because more and more mothers are afraid to eat fish during pregnancy because of mercury content. Pure speculation, but it just makes sense to me.

:] I'll let you know in the next couple weeks how I like them.

Word to the wise

2010-09-22T11:00:00.003-04:00

1. Do not overdo it on the fiber.

Did that yesterday. Made my belly very unhappy. Hope no one else made a 3-bar mistake...they're so goooood @_@

2. Drink lots of water with fiber.

It absorbs water, and needs water to pass through.

3. I maintain that's it's totally worth it.

Universal-spo!

2010-09-20T21:45:00.003-04:00

Food and Entertainment

2010-09-19T23:48:00.003-04:00

The scale told me I was 129 this morning, but I don't trust that number, necessarily. Especially after everything I've eaten today. Lots of mistakes. My grand total might be under 2000, I doubt it.

And yes, Amy, I do think fiber works. If you're not used to it, it might make you bloated and gassy, but it's worth it once you are. I'm not sure why exactly that is, I think it's because it's a substance which isn't digested, and what happens is that it stays with you longer - and on the way out cleans out your GI tract. So it makes you thinner twice ;]

Haven't been to Sam's Club to get the Slim Fast, but I think I'm good for my locker food until I do. I mean, my locker really shouldn't be a pantry. Seems like that would act against me >_>

I really am such a fatass, aren't I? ...

On another note, I have Skins. Cassie shows up periodically on Ana sites, but if you don't know who she is, she's an character from a UK youth drama called Skins. She's such a beautiful character.

Locker Food

2010-09-17T11:37:00.004-04:00

I've been trying to figure out why my appetite came back so strong. There are factors which make me suspect, like maybe the past couple weeks were mostly slimming because of how much of a pain my pms has been. I also suspect it might have to do with the family stress I've been going through, and things seem to have settled down a little bit. I mean, my mother is still horrible, but I've more or less stopped leaving things around which might be stolen or contaminated and there hasn't been much reason to suspect it's been over in the past few days. Though I can never be certain.

My other theory has to do with how much fiber I was getting before as opposed to now. I've run out of fiberone bars, and I've been eating less nutritious foods as a substitute, which isn't a good thing. Rice krispy treats are barely even food, even if they are 90 calories. They don't satisfy.

They're my locker food.

I'm hoping my boyfriend will take me to sam's club sometime soon and we can buy some slimfast, which is actually very healthy. Who knew a can of chocolate liquid could contain 20% of the daily requirement of fiber? He loves it, too. It's the most nutritious thing he'll actually eat. I figure I can stash a few cans in my locker as my locker food.

Locker food is a good thing. Saves me from going to Burger King and destroying all my progress.

The image came in my forever21 email. Has all the makings of good thinspo, doesn't it? If you like model skinnies, that is.

Coffee

2010-09-14T17:50:00.004-04:00

This was a trash can in a conference room I was in today... you might not think this is as amusing as I think it is.

Today when I woke up, I measured my waist - and it was under 25.5 inches - which is possibly the lowest ever. I'm not sure I trust that. For one because I hadn't had enough to drink yesterday, and two because I'm not my lowest weight, so why would my waist be smaller? Physically it was, but the rest of my stats just didn't make sense.

I've also been kind of a fuck up today. I haven't been hungry for days, suddenly my appetite is back and I need to find a way to keep it at bay. I think I need apples... It's apple season, and I love apples. Apples everywhere, and they're in everything. But I should just be eating apples, not apple-cider donuts. Apple danishes. Apple spice muffins. UGH. Damn you Tim Hortons.

Autumn is the most delicious season.

I will totally indulge in hot apple cider, though. A little bit, any chance I get. Maybe I'll try hard apple cider? I should really try hard apple cider. I'd replace my blood with apple cider if I could...

And Dunkin donuts has this pumpkin spice coffee... It's so damn good.

WHY are these things seasonal? It's not like most of what they're making is actually made fresh from hand-picked apples.

I must sound crazy right now. I guess I am a little bit.

I'm made of coffee today. And an apple cider donut. It tasted like apple cider, but fattier. It's been so long since I'd had a donut before this morning. Which makes sense, because they're so... insubstantial, you know? They're nothing. They're like fattening air. Coated in sugar. They look so good when they're sitting on the shelf, and it's like someone hands it to you, and it must have melted in your hand or something because suddenly it's gone and all that's left in a layer of sugar on your lips and lap.

And where is Mango? One of my blogging friends. She vanished some time when I wasn't posting, and I think she deleted her blog. Which is a shame. Maybe it's just private.

Clavicle

2010-09-12T16:19:00.002-04:00

I tried to email a picture to blogger from my phone, but it didn't work. I can still post the picture I tried to post, however - because I already uploaded it to facebook.

It's just a picture of my clavicle, one of my best features.

It's a shame the email thing didn't work. I may try it again some time. So if you see me post any random little squares in the future that don't really do anything, then assume that blogger just isn't interpreting my text/email right.

I know it's blogger, because it worked perfectly when I emailed it to myself.

2010-09-11T20:19:00.001-04:00

I set up my phone to send blogger updates, so this should help keep me on track :)
Though the updates will be quite short. We'll see how things work out ^_^

Brain Cells Determine Obesity, Study Finds

2010-09-09T19:50:00.004-04:00

Article

After studying the effects of high fat diets on lab mice, researchers discovered that brain cells had become insulated from the body, cutting off signals that tell people to expend energy and stop eating.

I thought this was interesting, so I thought I would share.

Sooo...

2010-09-07T18:49:00.003-04:00

I've been treating this blog the way I treat friendships.

Like things will be great for a while, but the friend will inevitable realize how worthless I am, and decide that I'm too boring, or weird to continue to be around.

I realize this is usually a self-fulfilling prophecy. That I pull away, and always feel sad, but like I'm doing them a favor.

"No really, it's okay. I suck."

My own low self esteem makes me pity myself sometimes. Which is sad too. Makes my brain turn inside out to think about self pity of self pity.

I don't even know what I mean.

It really is different here, though, than anywhere else in the real world. In the past, this blog has been a welcome responsibility, or something like that. Like people expect me to write.

Even when it was REALLY slow... like all summer, for instance - I never got *no* views, on analytics. Lowest was 3. Do I trust that? I don't know. But it feels good.

Anyway, now that I've given up on that accursed book, I hope I can be back.

Whatever I'm trying to say, let the one clear thing be that I love you girls.

I Give Up

2010-09-06T23:46:00.002-04:00

I give up on reading that damn book. Why? I can't get into it. It contains interesting things, yes - but... It feels like a chore. I hate the book right now. I don't even remember how far I got.

So it's time it go back to the library...when I can find it.

Honesty. Well, what can you do?

Lately, I can't eat. Not at home. I can't eat at home. I've mentioned the filthy repulsive shitbeast before. For a while it was in jail. Then I came home late one awful night, and was horrified to find that it was in the house.

The extent to which my mother lied was disgusting. She lied when I heard the noises. She lied when I got scared. She lied all the way up the stairs. She lied when the shitbeast's door was locked from the inside. She lied when I was freaking out. She lied when I woke my dad... who eventually relented and told me what was going on. My mother deserves her misery. She's the worst person I've ever met. How does she live with herself?

I don't know why I didn't write about this. Maybe because the rage and horror took forever to get over. It was gone the next day. Probably had something to do with the fact that I left the house at three or four in the morning and my beau met me at the street corner to ride downtown to his ..let's call it nerd-club for now. We spent the night there. Slept on yoga mats on the floor.

Anyway, since the shitbeast got out of jail my mother has been having it over, in secret. It's not a secret anymore, I caught her in the act. It's been in my house. Both of my parents have been lying to me. My mother has no regard for how I feel, and her only amusement comes from farmville and hurting me.

The real point is, there's no food inside my house that I can trust hasn't been in the presence of the living shit. There's a box of fiber one bars I hid behind the couch. There's no food at home. There's nothing I'm comfortable touching or being in possession of. I need to get out of there.

I know it doesn't sound sane. Maybe it isn't. I think this has a lot to do with trust, ultimately. Having someone lie to you CONSTANTLY, who really DOES aim to hurt you... well, it doesn't do much for feeling secure. I'm completely alone when I'm at home. These fears follow me everywhere now. I can't trust my mother. I can't trust my father.

The difference between my mother and my father is that my mother WANTS to hurt me, and my father loves me, but is a complete jackass anyway. He lies too, but he feels bad because he actually cares about my well-being and doesn't want me to leave.

My dad yells because he just doesn't get it.

My mother pitches lines like "I don't know how [your boyfriend] can love you" "why is he with you"

She only says these things to hurt me. Then when she does, she laughs.

My homelife has been horrible.

I miss the mother I had when I was little. But then again, maybe she never loved me. Maybe I got that attention because first I was cute. Then she was nice because I wasn't a threat. Now? Now I think she's jealous of me.

She's got menopausal rage. She's gotten fat, does nothing but sit on the computer and become obsessed with myspace games. She hasn't had a job in eight years. Maybe nine. She does nothing but complain about my father, and myself. Especially me. She wants my father to hate me too.

I really didn't want this to become a rant.

I'm sorry.

But she's awful. She talks badly about me to my own nephew. She wants my nephew to hate me too... She's not manipulative enough to fool the six year old, though. He loves me. All this "Aunt *** doesn't love you enough to do this, or that" bullshit is ridiculous.

She should be linched.

She says "I love you" only when she's being sarcastic... one of those things she only does to upset me.

F*** that.

I have nothing at home. She's made that very clear. I can't even pet my dogs because they've been exposed to shit. I talk to them. But I won't let them touch me.

My mother is garbage.

My mother is scum.

My mother HATES me.

I stand by the jealousy thing. She says her other "children" are better than me. A delinquent and a violent alcoholic retarded piece of SHIT. There's a winning hand, right? Fuck you mom.

I should shut up, and save what I intended to say for my next blog. There's so much negativity in my life right now.

I'm sorry for the rage. This isn't who I am. This isn't who I was, and this isn't who I'm supposed to be. If I didn't have my boyfriend, I would have absolutely no escape. I probably wouldn't even be in school anymore, because I'd have flunked out without a sense that I deserve success or sanctuary.

It's really hard right now. It feels like being homeless, I imagine. There's a place I go to every night, yes - but I feel like I have to sleep with one eye open. I hide my things. I never know what's safe to touch. I can't eat in my house. There's no safe place. I'm scared to use that toilet, I have to clean it first. I feel like the soles of my shoes get too filthy to walk in clean places. Eventually, I just feel like I'm not clean at all, because the shower isn't clean. There's CONSTANT fear. There's nothing safe. I'm scared. All the time. I don't even care about being skinny right now. I'd be fat if I could be safe. I have absolutely no control over my environment right now.

But if my own mother is going to starve me, then so be it. Fuck you. You'll just hate me more when I'm thinner, you horrible critical bitch.

Pear legs

2010-08-30T17:54:00.003-04:00

I realize I'll never have the body of a model...

I'm pear shaped... I have chest ribs, at least a couple. Very pronounced clavicle bones... They almost creeped me out today. lol. Gangly arms, though a bit too squishy everywhere.

But I'm pear shaped. I have fat legs. Fat hips. A fat butt. Maybe if they cut me in half and attached a proportionate lower half, I'd be skinny?

On the bright side, though I've been struggling to fit into a size 7 in juniors jeans, apparently size 6 women's jeans fit me perfect. The hips seem wider so I can wear a pear that actually fits at the waist and will actually pull up my leg...

Go figure.

Tip...

2010-08-17T18:06:00.004-04:00

Fresh air helps a lot

When you get anxious, just go outside, and sit.

(Your yard doesn't have to be *that* pretty :)

It seems to work for me <3

Good luck, beautiful girls.

world of fail

2010-07-15T17:38:00.002-04:00

I haven't read that book yet. I haven't read blogs. I just tweeted for the first time in 25 days. I gained five pounds. I'm fighting with my boyfriend.

The fight is small. He's just cranky and unclear and wants to blame everything on my stupidity today. I don't want to be around him, so he's off at the concert series mingling with crazies while I sit in front of a computer somewhere near-by. The sucky part is that I'll probably be here for hours.

I used to be smart. I still am, somewhere in there - but something about my beau makes me feel like a baby. It's not that he's controlling, exactly. Just that he takes over things I'm supposed to be doing if he doesn't feel they're being done quickly or efficiently enough, and is critical if it's something he can't do himself. He makes me feel incompetent.

He does the same thing to his mother, actually. And she, like myself, seems to have become dependent on his dictation and lost some confidence and problem-solving ability.

Honestly it's easier just to rely on his work than to deal with the criticism he gives if you don't understand it right away or god forbid, do something he wouldn't have chosen to do.

What's more, he apologizes only once he can tell I'm upset, then continues the argument ten minutes later. I just wish stupid arguments would die because I don't like being told I'm a moron - he doesn't use such words, but the battering of WRONG WRONG WRONG starts to sound like essentially the same thing.

I really do fear this from him. I feel so helpless. What's more, whenever I say something he thinks is smart, he says I should post to t his website he likes which is full of idealistic douchebags who want to invent artificial intelligence and talk about whatever the hell they're talking about. By the way, he's obsessed with this website. They're the only people he respects. And I think if the guy who started the site wanted to keep my boyfriend forever, he would willingly abandon me. Maybe I'm looking forward to that happening, so I can have my independence back.
Well, that or be completely crippled emotionally and curl up into the fetal position on the floor and die, which is more or less what I anticipate would happen if I had to go back to my life being as cold and empty as it was before I had him.

You know, he gets the same criticism from his mother and best friend, you'd think he'd admit maybe there's something wrong with him rather than everyone he makes cry.

I know that's all vague and crappy, but you understand why I do that, right?

----------------------------------------------------

...On an unrelated note, regarding my weight gain

I absolutely must return to calorie counting. It kept me sane. It helped me be completely aware of what I was eating. It helped me stop.

In theory some of the weight might be bloat, some might be muscle... but not enough can be easily dismissed. I disregard numbers I don't like as being flukes too much, they rarely are.

I've let myself go. But yeah, if the scale is right, I've gained 14 lbs since last summer. I have time, I hope I can drop ten before school starts again.

What's wrong with me? I'm so frustrated

image

2010-07-10T01:40:00.000-04:00

Sorry

2010-07-02T15:33:00.003-04:00

I want to apologize for not getting back to with an update about the book. I know it got a lot of interest - but I've had some distraction.

I will still read the book, mind you.

Two things.

1. I've taken up sewing
- Which is really pretty fun. It makes me feel powerful. I can create something useful, and sexy. I thought it would be hard, and it was intimidating to learn to use the sewing machine - but I've altered one of my boyfriend's oversized t-shirts into a tight dress that turns him on.

2. For a while I was eating really healthy. 1800 calories a day, and not that much fatty stuff. It's a lot of calories, really - but I wasn't f*cking up. I was really proud of myself. Fruit, whole grain, the right kinds of things. Then I had a 2500 calorie day and I was wracked with self-loathing again. It's a weird cycle...

Speaking of diet I don't know what my weight is. I've been avoiding the scale. Maybe this is a good thing. It's partly because I'm on my period and I don't want to depress myself with water weight.

Anyways, I *will* get back to the book. I will read and comment on blogs.

Love you girls.

GiannyL <- I've been having fun with sewing stuff from this site. She's super creative, and honestly she's totally thinspo too.

Good book...

2010-06-08T19:56:00.005-04:00

Currently reading a book called Calm Energy: how people regulate mood with food and exercise.

I'm not very far into it. Somewhere in chapter two, actually. But so far I feel like I've gotten a lot out of it.

Basically the author puts forth that we eat according to our moods, and that our moods correspond to our energy levels. For instance he mentioned that diets tend to be broken at night, which if you've been reading really strikes a cord with me.

I don't know how many of you are trekkies. I always picture the number to be small, but in any given social circle, I seem to find one. But in all this "controlling your mood" talk going on in the book, I picture Spock.

I do admire Spock. He was so in control of his emotions and his mind. It takes a lot to control your emotions. The Author has an interesting way of looking at one's general mood when he discusses correlating it with energy. It seemed like a Vulcan way of looking at things. We shouldn't just eat without considering our reasons for it. We have to learn to understand our motivation for the things we do and approach the problem with rationality I think looking at things as a matter of energy is an effective way to look at eating. That is, after all, what a calorie is. A measure of the energy required to burn off the item.

Essentially, he says that the world has become a more stressful place, and that the obesity epidemic is the result of our inability to cope with that stress in healthy ways. He mentioned the evolutionary aspect I mused about in an earlier post, actually.

So to successfully understand our moods and emotions, we have to look at what's causing them, and how we cope with them should be a longer-lasting than the short-term pick-me-up a binge brings on.

He suggests more healthful alternatives to seeking food for that mood-lift, like exercising, listening to music, keeping busy, and socializing.

I should mention that the book isn't at all anti-food and simply maintaining your diet, if that isn't clear. It's about being able to pick out your natural appetite from lifting your mood.

I think my long term goal is to become a Vulcan. Sounds goofy, doesn't it?

But to be healthful and rational through understanding myself? That should be everyone's goal.

I'll probably post more about the book when I'm done with it.

Michelle Obama brings up kids' weights

2010-06-03T00:14:00.006-04:00

Sharing another article.

Did Michelle Obama Send the Wrong Message With Obesity Comments?

The article is very long, so I won't copy paste it like I normally would.

I think what she said was very well put - and that she went about this the right way, made it clear that changing little things makes a big difference for a child and that it *wasn't* about criticizing her children for their weight. It was relatable, and tactful.

None the less, I see the critic's points in saying that it's directing attention towards their weight, during critical points in their development. In front of the whole world, no less.

I think this article will strike a cord with a few of you.

Lane Bryant Mocks Victoria's Secret

2010-05-28T00:39:00.005-04:00

o_0

*Edit note: I they removed the ad from their blog, but read about the madness it was!

Article here

^ I copied it below, but the original page contains lots of worth-while links, so please check it out.

"Oh, snap!

Looks like Lane Bryant is still feeling a tad touchy about last month's lingerie ad drama, in which the plus-size retailer accused Fox and ABC of a double standard for running a racy Victoria's Secret commercial while allegedly censoring a Lane Bryant ad starring a curvy model.

The company's Inside Curve blog has stirred the pot by posting a video featuring a lingerie-clad skeleton who smooches her reflection in the mirror as she raves about her "perfect bra made for perfect women, like me" -- which is "not for chubbies," MediaPost reports.

Ouch!

A Lane Bryant spokesperson tells StyleList that the brand did not create the ad, but posted it in response to the ongoing body image debate.

"Millions of supporters have expressed their views in a variety of ways and following is a poignant, albeit humorous work, that speaks to the cause of accepting beauty in all sizes," according to the Inside Curve.

We feel a mud wrestling contest coming on. But while the ad is lighthearted, it's not really Victoria's Secret's fault that TV networks took issue with the Lane Bryant ad. And we're sure Lane Bryant wouldn't take too kindly to a parody mocking their curvaceous models.

We've said it before and we'll say it again... it's about embracing all body types -- no bones about it."

While it's completely outrageous that ABC would show a VS ad over Lane Byant, this retaliation seems to reflect more on a skinny bigotry than anger towards the the injustice they suffered.

The quote about accepting all body types being the point of the ad is particularly hypocritical.

I'm taken aback by how rude and hypocritical this is.

Clearly there's some one to hate you no matter where you're sitting on the bmi chart.

Pot calling the Kettle black sort of thing.

I do believe that in a perfect world everyone would be their healthy size and that everyone would accept one another.

There would be No eating disorders or high quantities of unhealthy temptations EVERYWHERE.
People would understand their appetites, cravings, and motivations for eating.

In this perfect healthy world more people would lose weight than gain, but I don't want to nit pick.

There's so much wrong with the world when there's a battle between body types.

I was talking with my boyfriend and we were discussing why, in his opinion, "evolution is stupid."
Not the theory, we're not talking about the past. We're talking about the future, and how we've created a society where food is readily available, but it's our evolutionary tendency to seek out fatty foods. Our evolutionary urges are making us fatasses.

If we don't think about these things, we'll eat ourselves into an early grave.

It's so damn hard to be healthy. If you're not fighting, you're submitting.

Other countries aren't so awful - I once read something about a Russian man who lived in the US for a while - says everything tasted like chemicals and when he moved back to Russia he lost 15 pounds on food that tasted better anyway.

Apparently there are no fat people in Russia
^I could have sworn I posted this before...but either google removed it or I was thinking of a forum. But yeah, all of those girls look healthy and beautiful.

My boyfriend once downloaded Russian fat porn, I think I told him to. The girls weren't even that fat, probably like bmi of 24,

So yeah.

We lived in this warped little bubble where it's like a crucible of unnatural and unhealthy conditions which cause us to act out and become obsessed with the weirdest things.

I honestly believe society has driven us all completely insane, at least in this regard.

Let's all leave the country. I could live in Russia some day, hey - I'm already used to Buffalo winters.

Thanks, my little black dress, and salt.

2010-05-21T02:18:00.004-04:00

It's a couple days later, and I'm feeling a lot better. My dad doesn't really stay mad, even though he gets mad so easily. Also, the sh*tbag is in jail for the time being, for hitting it's girlfriend. So two problems seem dormant for the time being.

I really appreciate the responses I got to my last post. You girls are awesome. And I do need a job. I guess I've got a million excuses. Mainly social anxiety and transportation.

I went to the mall with my boyfriend today, too - and I discovered Forever21. I had no idea they were so cheap, from the outside they look pricey! But they're full of really cute, affordable things. So I have new favorite store. I bought my new favorite dress there, only $12.80. Oh, I found it online, you can see it
HERE The model is thinner than me, but at the same time I think it looks better on me...How often do I get to say that?

I don't know if I could shop anywhere else, now. lol.

And mall exercise is pretty amazing, too. We didn't stay long, though.

I think I figured out why I've been snacking so much. I think it's a salt craving, because I drink so much water all at once in a day - my electrolytes are out of wack or something. I ended up eating a ton of popcorn and snack mix the other day, and when I got home, it was the first night in a while I had none of the usual urge to binge. A failure led to a discovery.

So all I need to do is consume more salt to avoid consuming so much junk.

Maruchan instant lunches here I come! haha

Cravings are an irritating thing, aren't they? Not being able to identify them makes binges happen.

Tonight I'm doing pretty well.
I know my body just a little better.

<3 I love you girls!

I promise to work on my situation. Now that I don't have to worry about school for a while, I have no excuse not to.

Language warning.

2010-05-19T08:09:00.004-04:00

I just had a massive fight with my dad.

Basically I was threatened and insulted.

I was called an ignorant cunt.

I was called a stupid twat.

I was called a lot of other things I don't remember.

He's an absolute asshole. The worst person I've ever known, next to my mother.

I told him to wash his hands when he got back, before he touched the dogs. He and my mother were going to court to sit and listen to the hideous repulsive shitbeast, which I've mentioned before and don't really want to get into again. It's not a person, just a fat disgusting piece of shit with an alcohol problem. No person could be so repulsive and stupid.

My dad was in a pissy mood because of the shitbeast, but turned all that rage onto me for reminding him to wash his hands.

Came right up to my face, and threatened that he would hit me if I opened my mouth again. Tried to stare me down, with this awful glare that I've become rather accustomed to over the years. I didn't say anything, but I stared back for a long time. I almost knew he was going to do it anyway. He didn't, but he wanted to. Just to get it out.

The ironic thing is that the shitbeast is in court for hitting it's "girlfriend."

So this assault case would be an interesting addition to that.

He wanted to hit me. I could see it in his eyes. His rage was immeasurable.

I know he wasn't mad at me, he was just taking his rage out on me. The thing is he's just to much of a stubborn asshole to realize that, so he's going to come home and act like more of an asshole.

I have a big day ahead of me, actually. I have an event today. It's after 8 in the morning and I haven't been to bed yet.

I know what my dad was trying to do. He was trying to make me cry. He's a horrible asshole, he doesn't think he's "gotten it through my thick skull" until he's made me cry.

Maybe he interprets my crying as remorse, rather than fear. Maybe he just likes the fear.

I've noticed over the years that he screams until he makes me cry. He started hitting me as a kid to make me cry. He's a terrible person when he gets like this. He says horrible things.

One little quip I'd like to throw out there, is that immediately after calling me an ignorant twat, he said he was the only one in the house who showed any respect.

WOW. I called him out on that one. He didn't like that.

He deserves to be cut down to size. I could, if I were willing to press charges.

The thing is, I don't think I actually have the courage to take him to court. What am I supposed to do, anyways? I don't like the police. I don't want to go to court. He's bipolar or something anyway, a day or two later he's pretending nothing ever happened. I don't want to speak to a lawyer, or to police. They're scary and intimidating.

HE IS NOT MY GUARDIAN ANYMORE. I certainly don't respect him.

The only reason I'm here is because I'm poor, and because I don't want the shitbeast moving back in with my animals.

BOTH of my parents lie to me all the time. When my dad doesn't want to lie, he starts in with the name calling and anger, with pretending he's got some authority that makes what he's doing okay.

I guess I'm not making sense out of context anymore. I don't want to explain the entire context, though.
All you need to know is that the shitbeast is violent, has tried to kill me, drinks, and is filthy. So damn filthy. Plague filthy. Vile, repulsive, vomit-inducing. I had to see it the other day - it was awful. So fucking fat, and it's hair made me want to puke.

So yeah.

Oh, and I never mentioned my mother smacked me in the face the other day.

I don't even know anymore.

I feel so fucking abused, and weak, and I hate it. I want to fight it, but I just keep getting beaten back down with lies and treachery and violence.

I'm SICK of this shit, and I need to get out of it.

I'm sorry if I'm not making sense, I'm sorry if this seems vague, or if it seems dramatic. I just can't get all the details out.

But I'm *really* upset right now. I'm just glad I didn't cry in front of my ASSHOLE father.

Probably WOULD have hit me if he didn't have somewhere to be. I hope he acts like that if he has to be a witness.

Anorexia Mirabilis: Fasting in Victorian England and Modern India

2010-05-19T01:32:00.003-04:00

Sharing an article my boyfriend found on reddit.

Anorexia Mirabilis: Fasting in Victorian England and Modern India

Joan Jacob Brumberg’s fantastic book, Fasting Girls: The History of Anorexia Nervosa, is an excellent example of the benefits of sociologically-inspired history. Brumberg begins by explaining that girls who starved themselves have been recorded in many historical epochs, but the way in which societies have made sense of that starvation has varied.

Today we medicalize self-starvation; we call it a mental illness and we name it “anorexia nervosa.”

In Medieval Europe, fasting girls were labeled with the term “anorexia mirabilis”; these girls were seen as miracles, able to survive on spiritual devotion alone. (Later, some would suggest that these women were possessed by demons.) During the Victorian Era, people would pilgrimage to these fasting girls and leave offerings. A famous fasting girl could be a financial boon to a struggling family.

During the nineteenth century, medical doctors and psychiatrists (who generally saw religion as a threat to their nascent authority) argued that the fasting girls were impossibilities, that no one could survive without food. The competition between medicine and religion became so intense that doctors became intent on proving that these fasting girls were not, in fact, surviving on holiness, but were, instead, sneaking food. In several cases, doctors staked out fasting girls, watching her to make sure that she did not eat, and these girls, relentless in the illusion, sometimes died.

In any case, I thought of Brumberg’s book when I came across a story about Prahlad Jani, an Indian man who claims that he has not had any food or drink for 70 years, surviving on “spiritual life force” instead:

Indian military scientists are reportedly holding him in a hospital, watching him not eat and drink. Unlike the doctors in the Victorian era, however, who wanted the girls to fail, these doctors think Jani might hold a secret that will be useful for the military and they’re hoping that, by watching, they will be able to discover it. Here’s to hoping he is less stubborn than Victorian girls.

Fatness

2010-05-14T20:02:00.002-04:00

I feel squishier, but the scale hasn't really changed.

Perhaps today isn't the best day to blog, because I've eaten pretty heartily and I'm pretty mad at myself. I tend to blog less when I'm failing miserably. Hence why I hardly ever blog anymore.

I also haven't been able to stop myself from gorging myself at night.

There is one positive element which has been added to my life, though - I've started taking a bicycle around places to save on bus fare and get some exercise. Actually, my boyfriend kind of forced it on me - gave me his mother's old bike. It's rusty and squeaky, but it's kind of cute anyway.

I'm sort of happy about being squishier without gaining weight. The squishier thing tends to mean I'm going to lose weight - I don't know if that makes any sense. Like maybe I've lost fat so I'm not so solid...

Anyways, I feel better since I'm getting out more.

Now that school and exams are done I should have more energy to focus on that all-too-high number.

My weight hasn't changed in ages. I really resent myself and how I've failed, though. I should be motivated. It's summer. Have I ever worn a bikini? To be fair, I can't remember the last time I went to the beach. None the less, I'm in no condition.

I think I looked really good this past summer, at my low weight, 126. I'm close to ten pounds heavier than that now. What I'd like to do is reach 123, and maintain it for a while. There's no reason I shouldn't be able to be 123lbs.

My boyfriend gets so frustrated with me if I ask him about my weight. I'm almost scared to do it because he'll get moody. Fact is whatever I say, I'm probably asking him to lie to me.

I'm awful.

I want to be small for him. I want him to be able to pick me up and let me sit on his lap. I know he's not a big guy, and he *can* pick me up... I wish it were easier though. I wish he could do it spontaneously...I wish I didn't have to fear for my life when he did it o_0

I'd lose a few pounds if I didn't eat at night. It's Dieting101, I know.

I didn't use to have this problem. I think it's been stress...

I CAN DO BETTER.

random thinspo pic stolen from: Ana Princesa

Thinspo video

2010-05-09T23:09:00.002-04:00

I've been slacking in my blogging. I don't even know how to follow that sentence. Of course I have no progress to show you. Maybe now that I've got a bike and free time, things will improve.

Ugh.

Caffeine headache.

bmi celebrity comparison calculator chart thing.

2010-04-29T01:26:00.002-04:00

Some of the celebrity measurements seem off to me

http://www.supernifty.com.au/bmi.php

but give it a shot, it's interesting. :)

Things are going okay?

2010-04-27T20:21:00.003-04:00

My efforts to cut down on my aspartame are going well. I'm also increasing my weight-loss efforts because I want to lose a few pounds by Saturday. I know how ridiculous that sounds, a failure like me. I guess having a deadline helps, because that's going well too.

Though I'm bloated and my weight is all over the place anyway - point is, I'm feeling in control.

So for cutting down on aspartame - I'm trying to get my caffeine from coffee and when I just want something with flavor, I go for a slenderize Fuze drink, which is only 5-15 calories per serving depending on the flavor. As for coffee, I really only like the sugary chocolate abominations, but I also learned something.

When you drink sugary pops and coffees, you crave fewer carbs.

So one sugary coffee drink could save me a bigger mistake later.

I also have caffeine pills, but the dose is really high (200mg) and I should save those for when I really need them.

By the way, yesterday was my last day of classes for the semester.

My entire academic life is wrapped up in the next couple weeks.

A paper due friday

Followed by two exams next week.

Then? Done. Fin.

I do need to study, for both of these classes. I have a lot of work to do on that paper.

I'm going to go to the gym this week, though, I'm determined. No excuses, it won't be crowded. I never use the gym - and the thing is, it's a really nice gym. Clean, big, bright - nice equipment. A major university facility I have at my disposal and don't use. Shame shame on me.

Oh, damnit.

I jokingly asked someone to hit me in the arm and rolled up my sleeve.

He was carrying a stick and it looked like a weapon, I know him enough to joke like that - though not very well.

Marks. A rash or something, actually. Now I think spider bites :/ which is creepy.

Apparently it looks like cigarette burns so now he thinks I'm a masochist.

Given the context... hrm. Damnit.

Embarrassing.

One thing I need to work on is how spazzy I act when I'm embarrassed. Sometimes I talk to myself, sometimes I hyperactively try to be cute or some nonsense. Whatever I do, it just makes me look more unbalanced.

I owe you guys a thinspo post, in a day or two I'll make one.

Oh, diet pop...

2010-04-22T02:54:00.002-04:00

Trying to quit diet pop cold turkey? Oh, you'll get constipated.

I know, tmi.

Aspartame is a mild laxative, and if you drink diet pop every day - you've essentially got a laxative dependency.

So ... I'm changing my game plan. I've been trying to quit - and now I'm going to do it more as a weaning process.

Cans instead of bottles, maybe every other day instead of everyday.

I thought I'd be fine if I stayed on caffeine. I guess I was wrong.

-------------------------------------

Oh, today I saw this gorgeous girl. Skinny tiny asian girl, wearing shorts that were...frankly kind of skanky, but I'd probably do the same thing if my legs were as small as hers were.

Seriously, her legs were so small. Thinspo-small.

Arg, it was painful thinspo though. Because my boyfriend was right there with me.

He behaved himself. He noticed her of course, but he didn't say anything overtly stupid. He avoided staring. I guess I was proud.

I mentioned to him later that I thought she looked underweight. He disagreed. I accused him of using wishful thinking.

She had a figure like this girl:

What do you think?

I'm going to obsessing over this for days, I know it.
Maybe that's a good thing

---------------------------------------------

Anyway, the niece and nephew are gone now, so I can get back to reality. I have an exam tomorrow I'm completely unprepared for...

My boyfriend and I have plans to go to the mall.

It's easy to burn calories at the mall, too - which is nice.

:/ I guess I should go to bed.

it becomes FAT

2010-04-20T04:35:00.003-04:00

I failed again tonight.

I failed again tonight, and all I can think of is how hard it's going to be to sleep.

It's already after 4:30 in the morning. I have to be awake at 8 if I want a shot at making the last biopsychology class before an exam. Wow, seriously - I know nothing about biopsychology.

It's hard to go to sleep like this, because all I can think about is how the food in my stomach is going to become fat on my thighs by tomorrow. It's going to be on my thighs, my waistline, my arms, my sides.... everywhere.

I don't know what to do.

I can't exercise. I'd have been exercising already, but I can't tonight. Or last night. My niece(2) and nephew(6) are sleeping, taking up my exercise space - and sleeping during my exercise time. It's hard, the night is supposed to be my alone time.

But I can't be alone

and I won't be getting much sleep - because my niece will probably start screaming soon.

She hates everybody. Everybody but mommy.

And apparently her mother is a drug addict who's withdrawn from her children - and my brother, the father, is off somewhere with an erratic work schedule for a few days.

So she hates everybody. And she's screaming unless she's asleep.

Anyways, if you want to know how I feel right now
This is how:

The Freakshow

2010-04-17T02:36:00.008-04:00

I made this post explicitly to share something my boyfriend shared with me

America’s Obesity Epidemic: Bringing Sideshow Freaks Into The Discussion

"This is Chauncy Morlan, and around 100 years ago his obesity was so shocking that people would pay money to see him as he toured the country as a circus “fat man”. I find the unremarkableness of his size to be a telling sign of how we’ve pushed the limits of obesity in the past 100 years. Imagine, if you will, what society would look like if 100 years from now if what passed as spectacularly obese today would not even turn heads at the mall."

Punk Rock is Amazing...

2010-04-12T02:14:00.002-04:00

I get such a spazzy jolt of energy listening to the Ramones. It's amazing. I put together a punky playlist. Only 15 songs, but consider it like a little mix-tape for my skinnies ^_^

It's mostly the Ramones and the Clash - but they're who's on my ipod.

Worn out

2010-04-09T00:32:00.002-04:00

I'm really out of it. Stressed.
It's partly school work. It's partly my period. It's partly police problems (yeah, but I can't talk about that because I've told everyone I know about it and I just don't want to risk the connection).

Today I just wanted to melt in my boyfriend's arms for hours... but I had other obligations.

He doesn't need me the same way I need him. I cope with my stress by wrapping my arms around him and burying my face in his neck... breath him in. He smells absolutely amazing.

He deals with stress by ranting and pacing. Useless for snuggling. So when we're both stressed, we stress out each other, because our coping habits conflict.

sigh.

My weight is the same. It's technically down because I've been bloated the past few days.

A few pounds make such a huge difference, though.

I'm not even trying.

I'm wrapped up in school...and that's good, it should be a priority.

-------------------------------

I saw freshmen today, they were sitting across a computer table from me talking.

They looked 12 to me.

I wonder if that's because I'm used to my boyfriend's friends - who are all around 10 years older than me..or if I've aged too.

I don't want to age.

It scares me a lot.

--------------------------------

I want you girls to know that I think about you a lot. It sounds like a lie, doesn't it? I don't always comment, I don't even always read. I get so behind. I suck.

But sometimes I'll see something or think of something that reminds me of something I read.

Like today I ended up walking 2 miles in the cold, and thought... this reminds me of a post someone made about loving to feel cold.
wrapped up in a sweatshirt, laying in the sun on a warm day.
and still being cold.
Because cold feels beautiful

That sentiment was so beautiful. Sad part is I don't remember who said it. Was it you? It was a long time ago.

--------------------------------

Anyway, beauties. I'm going to work out and go to bed.

You're too good for me!

Leaving some thinspo. It's actually excellent thinspo, but they're talking about mens body parts. lol.

Something about movement is better for thinspo than pictures. Pictures don't have quite the same effect. I have such a Victoria's Secret obsession lately, though. I can't afford it, but I love what they make.

Why control is so important...

2010-03-31T01:25:00.002-04:00

Fatty foods may cause cocaine-like addiction

Scientists have finally confirmed what the rest of us have suspected for years: Bacon, cheesecake, and other delicious yet fattening foods may be addictive.

A new study in rats suggests that high-fat, high-calorie foods affect the brain in much the same way as cocaine and heroin. When rats consume these foods in great enough quantities, it leads to compulsive eating habits that resemble drug addiction, the study found.

^image is link to blog I found this at first. It's easier to read than the full CNN article, and looks pretty good.

Quick

2010-03-28T18:57:00.003-04:00

I just realized that THIS:

was drawn from THIS:

Look at the ribs, the breasts, the shoulder angles and arms. The lines and shape are the same.

Borrowed from a spanish blog

2010-03-24T00:35:00.003-04:00

Yes, it's in spanish - but it's pretty clear none the less. The bottom bar includes an hour of exercise, and the cursive on the bottom says "we fight for our bodies"

Cute pic

2010-03-22T01:48:00.001-04:00

Trash

2010-03-17T11:18:00.003-04:00

I eat far far too much at night. I don't know why.

I spend the day with my boyfriend, and I do okay. Really, I've learned a sort of balance. I can resist food when he's eating, and only take what I need.

But now the problem is that I eat when I get home.

I had a respectable total last night. Respectable.
Then I got home, and I more than doubled it.

Lots and lots of calories.
And I couldn't sleep.
I tried, but I lay in bed for hours.

and now it's tomorrow, and my stomach is killing me and I'm tired as hell and there's nothing I can do about it.

and I deserve this discomfort. I deserve pain.
and I shouldn't be eating at all.

I need to understand this urge to eat at night.
I suspect it's because of the way my parents make me feel. I suspect it's because I'm coping with my feelings of betrayal, stress, inadequacy, hopelessness and all that with food. So much food.
Not to mention that I feel obligated to have some of the leftovers from dinner when I get home. Guilt? Guilt for always being out with my boyfriend?

I don't understand it. My parents make me feel like trash, but I feel guilty spending so much time away from them.

I have attachment issues, I know.

I I I I .... nevermind

I have to go on with my day feeling like trash in pain.

The audience is dead silent

2010-03-16T04:32:00.006-04:00

Just sharing.

Update: skip to 2 minutes

Thinking about beauty

2010-03-13T05:34:00.006-05:00

photo from Everything for thinspo

There are some girls in the world who are just so otherworldly beautiful that normal people are drawn to them. I'm sure you know the kind of person I'm talking about.
They're so beautiful that people behave better around them because they want their approval.
They're so beautiful that people assume flawless character.
They're so beautiful that happily married men would lie face down in the street in a mud puddle if it was raining to let the girl cross, and probably fight for the opportunity.

I've always wanted to be this kind of person. In my head, you know, I am this girl. The truth is that no one ever tells me I'm beautiful. Excluding my boyfriend, but that's complicated.

I guess I know I'm not beautiful. I always dreamed I would find that one man that would really believe I'm the most beautiful woman on earth, but that's a fairy tale, isn't it?
I've got the worst skin, and my nose and chin make me look like the wicked witch. My weight is always up and down. Honestly, I'd probably gain weight if it meant I could have perfect skin. That's just not an option.

Anyway, that was just a thought I had and a beautiful picture to go with it.

Spring is coming!

2010-03-09T00:19:00.004-05:00

The way I typically deal with food disasters I see coming is that I start to pace, and drink tons of water. I love water. I like my water room temperature, I drink it fast and I drink more of it. Flushes out some of the garbage I've already consumed and makes me feel like I've done something right.

Even if the count is high for the day.

Ice water is good sometimes, too, though. Slows me down. It really kills cravings.

I didn't count today - but I tried to be good and for the most part I was, except for a few Hershey's kisses and some tater tots that I was blindsided with. Those were probably the biggest damage for the day.

I'm thrilled, though - that Spring is coming. Temperatures are hitting above freezing every day, and it hasn't snowed in days. So the snow is melting and it's pleasant outside again. Spring break is here, so I get to spend some quality time with my pillow.

I told my boyfriend that we should jog together when the weather gets nicer, and his neighborhood is gorgeous and I look forward to this if we actually pull it together.

Either way, I need to work out more.

Thighs shouldn't touch, and my waist should be 25 inches. That's my current goal, by the way; a 25 inch waist.

I leave you with a little 'spo. lol. The dress is kinda cute. I think her left arm is just at a weird angle, but I hope she's not too photoshopped.

A Thinspo Post!

2010-02-28T03:02:00.005-05:00

Sorry I so rarely post or comment lately. I say that all the time. But I'm busy. and ashamed really. I'm on kind of a carb kick and I actually went thinspo hunting because I needed something to stop me. I love you girls. Wanted to share with you. I hope a couple of these are new to you. A few are new to me. :)
There's a lot of skin, just so you're aware. I'm sorry if any of you are sensitive to that sort of thing.