Update and explanations

Is anyone out there?

It's been a year and a half since my last entry.

I'm fat. Actual weight non-applicable. But... it's up there.

For a while I was fat and happy. I mean, a bit embarrassed around people I haven't seen in a while, but generally pretty happy. I have a lot of good in my life. Lots of stress, but honestly, I'm not that far-gone. I live in an apartment with my boyfriend now. That's a massive improvement in my well-being. I've only been here a couple months, though.

I'm trying to lose weight again. I'm trying not to get carried away.

I'm using a calorie-counting app called "MyFitnessPal" ... I actually really love it. It gives you nutritional information and gives you the option to track measurements as well as weight. It's pretty much impossible to get enough potassium, I think.

I've got it set to lose a pound a week. That seems so goddamn slow. At my weight. It will take me months to get down to an okay weight. This week I've been going over frequently, too. I think that's got to do with my period.

I'm trying to eat light most of the day and have most of my calories in a meal with my beau. Often when I go over it's because my beau wants to drink in the evening. It's hard to resist.

I've been utterly avoiding this blog. I won't make any promises to commit to it now. I just really need inspiration. I'm sorry for being such a disappointment, although I'm sure you've all given up on me. Which is okay, honestly. I'm a terribly unreliable pro-ana blogger. I can't even call myself that anymore.

It occurs to me after a brief overview of my last posts that I never really addressed what caused this weight gain. I thought that I had.

In April 2012, I was assaulted in my neighborhood. I didn't know the people. There were maybe 7 in total, and I was hit by two people. A man hit me on the side of my head, and a woman hit me in my abdomen. It was over quickly. I was in a gas station parking lot, wisely deciding not to walk down the street with the sketchy people, and I screamed. They ran away. They got nothing. It could have been sooo much worse. I was too freaked out and shaky to talk to police. Thinking about it was upsetting.

This incident was really terrible for my mental state. I was NOT okay with walking that route home anymore, despite having done so hundreds of times at night with no problems. I ended up relying on my father for a ride every night. Towards the end of my living at home, he was getting very fickle. Sometimes he would just refuse. I'm grateful of course for the rides, but you would swear the five minute drive was the most self-sacrificing act someone could preform by the way he seemed to act. I think the real reason that he did it was because it gave him leverage. If he got angry with me, he'd just say "fuck you, bitch" and tell me to walk, no matter what the weather.

I could not get over the anxiety from that event for a very very long time. I guess I'm still not over it, but for the next year I was looking over my shoulder every minute and I couldn't be out at night anywhere. I couldn't be alone. Starting last semester, I started having panic attacks - a problem I wasn't having before, and thankfully since I've moved out they've subsided.

After the assault, I was isolated and dependent on my parents. Which is horrible. I started eating a lot. So I've gained a lot. It really was triggered by depression. I couldn't focus and I couldn't make myself exercise. I was scared when I put earbuds in because I wouldn't be able to hear someone coming.

I know I don't have the worst parents in the world, but my house is a dark and depressing place. My dad is verbally abusive, and my mother never has anything nice to say about anyone. All I had at home was TV and the dog.  My parents both lie constantly, and when they're not lying, they're complaining about one another in ways no one wants to hear. And when I went to my boyfriend's mother's house, we were up in his room being quiet. I pretty vegetated. Stagnated.

So now I have a little room to breath. I was pretty happy. I still am, really. Life got a lot better. But something someone said was the final straw and now I'm back to losing weight.

At the moment the biggest hinderence in weight loss since moving is alcohol. I'm not a drunk or anything, but one shot of everclear (1.5 oz, normally consumed in a diet soda), contains nearly 300 calories. It's a lot of alcohol for the calories, but... um... yeah. That's more calories than I can afford.

Thanks for reading.
As usual, your thoughts are very welcome.

Beautiful

Glycemic Index anyone?

I've been super interested in the Glycemic index lately.  It feels like everyone knew about it before I did.

To me, a calorie has just been a calorie.  I knew some things will keep you full longer, but... I guess I never really thought about it any deeper than that.

When I am doing well, I really do eat more fiber and protein.  So not knowing this probably hasn't affected me on a grand scale... None the less, since watching that video I posted a while back, I've been thinking about how often I give in to sweet cravings.  It didn't occur to me that it's not even sugar that my body wants.  It could be anything - if I eat something, the sugar cravings will go away.

and I'm sure I'll be better off.

Do any of you have some information about the Glycemic index I might not know?  I'm pretty new to all this.

Fasting has purpose

How To Stop Sugar Cravings!! What Causes Them? Blood Sugar & Weight Gain...

I'm on an exercise kick, but my eating habits are on-and-off shitty, like they've always been.

There's a lot I'm embarrassed to say.

I just found a video I thought I should share... I hope you like it. Same vlogger as last time.

I'm sorry it's been so long.  Feel free to nag me.  I'd appreciate it! I feel somewhat empty.

I'm still having trouble night-binging, but the exercise helps.  Both with the calories and the cravings.

Hmm...

I don't know much about the Glycemic index.

Status: Surprisingly motivated

The weather is warming up, and so is my brain. My motivation is coming back.

I still make one big mistake every day. Which is weird, isn't it? Why?

And why do I act like drinking a liter of water will fix that?

Anyway... I'm not going to tell you my current weight. I guess I stopped doing that a long time ago. I weigh too much, though.

....

It's amazing how much better about myself makeup makes me feel. I feel like I'm not hideous. This makes life in my own skin a little more bearable. Plus, it's fun.

....

I shouldn't stay up as late as I do. I start having weird thoughts.

I mean, apart from the binge-eating. I did eat ice-cream tonight. With m&ms.

I've been doing better with that lately, though. I didn't eat that, as well as an entire dinner, with a bowl of popcorn, a glass of sugary juice, and whatever else I could cram in my gullet.

Night binging has always been a big problem for me. But the past few days, I've been doing better.

Anyway, my strange thoughts. Right now I'm obsessively staring at the twitter account of a boy I made out with once in high school. We had a weird relationship for a long time. I won't follow him on twitter - because I don't want him to think I care. We have no relationship now.

Except that I look at every damn thing he does that I can find online.

I have the strangest thoughts about him. I've probably written about it before, it comes and goes.

I was so into him. Sometimes I wish we could be friends, but I won't try. Usually I'm afraid that if I were in a small enough radius of him, I might end up hurting him.

Turns out a guy I know from one of my boyfriend's circles of friends is a current friend with this aforementioned boy. Close enough that I wonder if they might one day show up together.

I have no idea how I would react.

I could have a panic attack. I could attack him. I might be pleasantly surprised and feel nothing! Or, I'll have a giggle fit that will embarrass the fuck out of me.

Seriously, though. I'm not exaggerating. I wish I were. Nothing he has ever done would warrant my having any sentiment for him whatsoever five years after graduating high school. Especially not when I'm in a happy relationship.

But if I saw him, I'm pretty certain I would freak the fuck out in one way or another.

This isn't rational. I want to purge my brain of my feelings about him. Whatever they are.

....

Other night-thoughts I've had?

-I was obviously a princess in a past life.

-I look like a French person

-I should pluck my armpit hair with my eyebrow tweezers

-I need to disinfect EVERYTHING (I probably do...)

-I realized the freckles on my shoulders are sun damage

-The Jersey Shore is an okay show... Snooki sure likes pickles!

-I'll be attacked my demons if I don't cover the back of my neck.

Oh. and I shop. I shop online.

and send an animated gif of a raptor on a stripper pole to one of my boyfriend's friends.

and send awkward insecure messages to someone who's pretty much a stranger because I wonder how well I'm making friends. I come off as sooo pathetic sometimes. I'll probably never speak to him again.

I did manage to resist sending the boy from high school a message. and I resisted following his account.

I seriously considered making a new account to say something creepy to him. I resisted that too. Too crazy! ...for tonight

So there's that for self-restraint - and I can go to bed with that accomplishment.

Even if I'm totally going to continue my mild form of stalking.

Yeah, I can't not sound crazy. Maybe someone out there understands....

I love you girls. Even if I suck at updating my blog.