Trash

I eat far far too much at night. I don't know why.

I spend the day with my boyfriend, and I do okay. Really, I've learned a sort of balance. I can resist food when he's eating, and only take what I need.

But now the problem is that I eat when I get home.

I had a respectable total last night. Respectable.
Then I got home, and I more than doubled it.

Lots and lots of calories.
And I couldn't sleep.
I tried, but I lay in bed for hours.

and now it's tomorrow, and my stomach is killing me and I'm tired as hell and there's nothing I can do about it.

and I deserve this discomfort. I deserve pain.
and I shouldn't be eating at all.

I need to understand this urge to eat at night.
I suspect it's because of the way my parents make me feel. I suspect it's because I'm coping with my feelings of betrayal, stress, inadequacy, hopelessness and all that with food. So much food.
Not to mention that I feel obligated to have some of the leftovers from dinner when I get home. Guilt? Guilt for always being out with my boyfriend?

I don't understand it. My parents make me feel like trash, but I feel guilty spending so much time away from them.

I have attachment issues, I know.

I I I I .... nevermind

I have to go on with my day feeling like trash in pain.