Anxiety

I feel very anxious today. I don't think there's a reason why, exactly. I just started the day off missing a class I didn't do homework in. It's the first week of school. I feel pretty crappy about that. So maybe feeling crappy about myself started off the anxiety.

But it continued. I avoided eye contact with strangers on the street walking to the bus. Some woman said "excuse me bitch" on the bus and it made me feel worse. I started to feel aggressed towards, and suddenly I was worried I'd be pick-pocketed. I don't have anything to steal, and I don't think I look like I have anything to steal. This was irrational. There was just one jerk on the bus.

Also, when I came into my boyfriend's mother's house, I walked in by the door where she was mopping. I don't think I tracked anything in, but I still felt like an ass.

Then my beau's got kind of a short temper. Not like he's in a bad mood, but sometimes if I falter in my words, he gets frustrated because he's not getting the information as quickly as he wants it. It's hard to explain. It makes him sound like a jerk, but in reality he's just ADD.

I'm also very emotional. I'm almost crying right now and I don't know why. I don't feel anxious like someone's going to hurt me. I don't feel anxious like something bad's going to happen. I feel anxious like maybe someone is thinking bad things about me. All the noises in the room seem to make things worse. Even my boyfriend talking to himself is making me anxious.

It's weird. I think I attribute this to the sort of PMS irrational emotions, but it's not normal for me to get this way late in my period. This sort of thing is normally before my period starts, and not even normally this bad.

My boyfriend has a stuffed lion that purrs when you hug it. Which is weird, but also very comforting. So I'm holding that.

I wish I knew what was really wrong. It makes me think I should be seeing a psychologist. Which really feels like a stupid thing to say, but I'm too scared of people to see a psychologist. Ridiculous, right? It's still true.

A few years ago, I was so scared of people. I used to think it was social anxiety, but it's not. I wasn't afraid people wouldn't like me, I walked into a situation assuming they already didn't. I was more afraid they'd actually cause me harm. There were times in high school where I would close my eyes in the hallway and I'd have this feeling like someone was going to hit me. No reason. I just thought people would hurt me.

I really wasn't well-liked. I remember one time a boy in class had put fliers around the school advertising a basketball game that was coming up, telling everyone they should go. I was looking at a flier, and one of the more popular girls asked me if I was going. I asked what it was, and she told me. I said maybe. The boy who'd put up the fliers overheard and asked me not to go.

I didn't get much direct rejection like that in high-school. At the time I thought that was because everyone at my school was really nice, even though I was a loser. That was my thought process. In reality, I just had so little social interaction that I never put myself out-there for rejection. No one talked to me, I didn't talk to anyone.

The girl who I mention in this situation, let's call her "K," talked to me on several occasions. She had a reputation for being a bitch behind her friends' backs, but sometimes she'd initiate a conversation with me. This was so foreign to me I was terrified. I thought she was going to lure me off somewhere where I'd be put into some sort of Carrie Prom-scene moment.

I've been thinking a lot about high-school lately. Especially since I rediscovered my myspace account. I went through old messages and realized what a tool the boy I liked so damn much for like 4 years really was to me.

On one hand, I'm sure he didn't understand the way I behaved towards him. On the other, he thought I'd be privileged to have sex with him, and he was quite surprised when I didn't. None the less, he got much farther than he deserved and he still ignores me to this day.

I hope he gets sodomized with a cattle prod.

He's still my facebook friend though. Like two weeks ago I sent him a message with some out of context stuff from myspace I thought he might remember. He never replied.