unhappy boyfriend, unhappy me.

98 followers. I'm pretty impressed with myself.

I've been avoiding blogging like the plague... I'm disappointed with my performance.

Though I've been keeping with not counting calories, I haven't gained. I feel like it must be right around the corner. Like I'm going to step on the scale and it's going to tell me I'm five pounds heavier than it should.

I'm embarrassed to blog. I haven't lost weight since May. At least nothing I didn't gain back within a couple days. I'm not really even trying anymore, all I'm doing is complaining - and I guess I still have a pretty good excuse for it, I've got money problems, it's really stressful. My parents don't seem to be on good terms. Things have gotten better since my dad got a job - my money problems aren't exactly solved, but he can get my insurance which helps a lot. A Lot. So things are a little better now, but I'm still eating a lot.

I do seem to have relationship problems. My beau and I fought today - and now I feel like he's doing what he's accused me of doing to him a million times before; pushing me away.

He said we have relationship problems and that we're probably codependent and probably something about me not being able to communicate or something like that. That last bit is too typical from him to be left out.

and he said he wouldn't leave me but admitted to feeling sometimes like we're not supposed to be together. He says he gets mad at me when I'm not around.

This conversation actually came after the fight. He was cranky because he missed the bus and I just kept walking towards him, and what he said was that I shouldn't, but I did. So he was mad at me on the phone the walk there. It was a couple miles. I got a little sunburned. I actually got to him about right when the next bus was coming up, so we got on at the same stop and rode together.

Again, he was cranky - and he alternated between yelling at me in public [he would insist that he wasn't yelling, I still say angry loud talking still counts as yelling], and hugging me because I was crying. I hate crying. I especially hate crying in public. I hate being hugged when I know that he's only going to yell at me again when he lets go.

It was a stupid reason to be mad at me. I walked towards him for a few good reasons.
-I didn't want to be stranded
-Walking home and back to the stop would have taken just as long
-I didn't know where we were going or how we'd be getting there
-I wanted to be with him

and he was yelling at me trying to say I was wrong for walking the bus route to get to him because it was a bad plan "transit-wise."
He also yelled at me for never getting places on my own.
He also yelled at me for relying on him to make transit plans. Which, now that I think about it, I kind of did make my own damn transit plans, didn't I?

Lately he's been complaining in ways that refer to things that are a bit too personal, even for an anonymous blog, but things that make me feel like he wishes he had more sexual experiences.
That combined with all the other relationship problems he says we have
It felt like he was breaking up with me. Like...those would be the next words out of his mouth.

They weren't.

My boyfriend is unhappy.
That matters more than my own unhappiness.
He's everything to me. He's everything good in my life.

jealousy, paranoia, and a semi-random question.

I'm feeling pretty down. Firstly because I'm bloated with carbs. I slept all day, ended up waking up in time for dinner - ravioli and texas toast. like 500 calories. I still feel gross. But mostly because I haven't seen my boyfriend all day.

He was at some programmers thing.

Doing some crap or some other crap.

I don't care what they're doing. All I know is that it's going to be every friday night, so I don't get to see him on friday anymore. What's more than that, there was apparently a pretty girl there. A skinny asian girl. I guess I'm glad I have a boyfriend who tells me stuff like that when I ask, but I'm so terrified of being left for someone better than me... It sounds so stupid, but I always feel so worthless and ugly. I AM worthless and ugly.
It could be more frequent than just fridays, too. Apparently it could become damn near an everyday thing. I'm afraid I'm going to lose him to it. argg..now he's picking a fight with me on meebo because I told him I was upset.
Basically he could be spending every Friday night with a pretty skinny asian girl. Better than me. Everyone is better than me. I'm crap. I'm fat, ugly, and not as smart as I used to think I was.
Of course, I'd be upset in thinking he would prefer to be on a computer than with me, too.

I'm afraid of becoming better than I am now.
I'm afraid being thin.
My bad skin has become part of my identity, too
I'm afraid of actually being as beautiful as I want my boyfriend to think I am.
Partly, because no matter how many improvements I make to myself, my boyfriend is still a lover of breasts and faces, and I'm blessed in neither of those areas. God, why is he with me? I KNOW I'm not what he wants. I wouldn't leave him for anything in the world, but it's honestly painful to be with someone who you know would change you given the opportunity. That's the only thing I'd change about him...

I just realized I wouldn't be nearly as insecure if I believed he thought I was perfect just as I am.

He's supportive and handsome and affectionate and patient and so much else....things I didn't really think I could find in a man. I always thought I could find a man who thought I was perfect, though.

I know I shouldn't be so jealous. I know it's natural for a guy to look. I know he probably won't end up alone with the pretty girl. I'm almost certain he wouldn't cheat on me. The thought of him finding someone more attractive than me is devastating. I already know he does...

semi-random question...do you think a genuinely unattractive person could get diagnosed with body dysmorphic disorder? Like if your shrink thought you were ugly, would he think it was a psychological issue that you thought you were ugly?