Societal expectations of beauty are BullShit.

Apparently the perfect BMI is 20.85

I feel like I may have blogged this before. At the time I learned this, I was significantly heavier than I am now, and I was stunned. Offended even, that this was considered worthy of the title "Okay girls, relax, 20.85 is now the perfect body!" Goddamnit, no! I had to work for that bmi, and after that I'm down to a bmi of 20 that number still strikes me as bullshit. 20.85? I'm know my boyfriend is attracted to women thinner than I am. I have no doubt. He's not atypical either. Maybe other men are better at hiding it, but girls, we know who we see men looking at.

There's another standard out there that's quite popular. It's 36-24-36 measurements.
Those measurements don't go with that bmi.
Actually, Sir Mix-a-Lot Probably said it best. "36-24-36? Ha ha, only if she's 5'3"

That's probably about how tall you'd have to be to have those measurements and that bmi.

Do any of us want..."back?"

No. No we do not.

I certainly wouldn't mind a 24 inch waist. Mine was 25.5 this morning, and my weight was 126 - which would be my thinnest, but I don't necessarily trust the scale.

The point I'm trying to get at is that it's unrealistic to set out standards on what society gives us to go by. That's what most people seem to think anorexics are going by. That society is giving us "unrealistic expectations" of beauty and that we're trying to live up to them, but in reality we're probably the only ones who aren't listening to those societal expectations.

Because they don't make sense.

So we do with our bodies what we think is beautiful, for whatever beautiful reasons they might be. Like a ... "fuck you" to those very same societal expectations. We're too smart to be convinced that what's normal is what's beautiful. We just sort of...opt out of playing the same failure game that everyone else plays.

It seems like the delusional game the rest of the world is playing [about getting a 24 inch waist the healthy way] is just as crazy as starving yourself. More so. Restricting will get you there. 1800+ calories a day won't. It might make you *muscular* if you're working out.

God, people are just so full of contradictions.

They say 'be healthy.'

If they say it to a fat person they're saying 'lose weight'

If they're saying it to a "healthy" person, they mean 'don't get thinner than me'

and if they're saying it to a thin person, they mean 'get fat so I can be thinner than you'

Fuck that nonsense.

I know what I want.

~

So that was the rant I had waiting in my reserves. What do you think?

I want to direct you guys to a great website I stumbled upon yesterday. PrettyThin
It's like a proana myspace and it has heaps of users. I can't believe I didn't know about it O_O

I felt like if I sneezed, I'd lose my soul.

I'm exausted. Today was a big day. Basically I had to get up at a reasonable hour today to go on a family picnic. I ate a lot of potato salad... It was delicious, but seeing as I saw my dad make the stuff it's miraculous I could stomach it. Jeez, he used like half a tub of mayonnaise on that. >_< Yeah. My biggest mistake was the fudge-striped shortbread cookies. I didn't go too overboard...but it shouldn't have happened. I did better at resisting my beau's junk food than usual. He's quite well stocked.

Running around with a five year old nephew made for okay exercise. He wore me out.

Then I had a group thing. It involved a skinny girl. I try to make my beau think everyone thinner than me has an eating disorder. That's messed up, isn't it? I casually mentioned to him after we left her that the biggest reason women take up smoking is because it's an appetite suppressant.
She has lost weight, though. She came in with a friend a year ago, and she was never fat but she was fat in comparison. Now? She's a twig.

I also managed to tell him some fairly depressing thoughts I have.

First of all, I told him that when I think he thinks a woman is more beautiful than me, it makes me feel worthless - like it wouldn't matter if I died, because there's nothing special about me and I could easily be replaced - traded up, even. I've been trying to be more understanding...thinking of his just-looking as a reflex they can't control as prettywreck suggested. I do think I'm less paranoid about that in particular. But that doesn't get that fear out of my head, that he's looking at someone who IS prettier than me and thinking they they ARE prettier than me. Go figure. -_-

I also told him that after he called, from the store, where he and this skinny girl were picking up snacks for an event, I got suddenly very depressed. This intense sad feeling. And...I thought I felt like I had to sneeze. And I felt like if I sneezed that my soul would escape. It sounds silly, but that's what it really felt like. I thought about it, and I don't think it was really a sneeze feeling. I think it was an about-to-cry feeling. For some reason, they felt a lot alike. Have you heard the origin of "god bless you;" that people actually used to believe a sneeze was the soul trying to escape? I always thought that was silly. Maybe it started with a similar feeling.

My beau told me I could probably get medicated in five minutes with that story, and that I should probably talk to someone.

Meh. It felt good anyway.

I gotta think sometimes about how obvious it is that I'm jealous. The way I squeeze in next to my boyfriend whenever there's a pretty girl around. The fact that I pinch and whisper to him. Sometimes he whispers back too loudly, but I don't know if I can really complain in that department. I think about how awkward it is that when I'm around a girl with my beau when I don't want to talk to her but I sit between her and my beau anyway. Ahh, the quiet on the train today. So awkward. I'm almost sadistic about it. I don't hate that girl. She's pretty cool. But around my beau, every woman under 160lbs becomes a target for ridicule the moment I'm out of earshot.

I kind of hate myself for it, but it feels necessary to me. I know better. I do. but I can't let my beau walk away without realizing some girl's many many faults. Even if I have nothing to say but "skank" about a complete stranger.

If I met a girl who looked just like me, I'd say she looked fat and pimply, that her nose was freaking huge, and that she had chunky legs. I know I would. I'd make my boyfriend agree, too.

Anyways, I borrowed this from a facebook friend's thinspo album:

It spoke to me.

I want to be like Spock - some introspection.

^ It's semi relevant to the post later. lol - but it's 100% a keeper, as far as image googling goes.


Did some walking today. Much of the day was uncomfortably social, trying to talk to strangers about the group I'm in. Same friend from the pride parade was there and he's a *lot* better at talking to people than either of us are. Something about me and my beau says "weird and awkward," something about him says "talk to me, I'm interesting." I'm not sure exactly what that element is.

Anyways... I don't know if I've ever mentioned that I've never been diagnosed with a mental disorder. I think it's important to make that clear. I probably could be. Honestly, it would probably be something like depression, ADD, maybe bipolarity? I don't think I could be diagnosed with an eating disorder. Anorexia, certainly not. I've never been underweight. I've never fasted for more than a day. I don't have that kind of self control. Ednos? Maybe. It might depend on the shrink. I definitely have food problems. But my aversion of food and lack of self control seem to balance out sometimes.

I have a lot of excuses for not being able to control myself. I do believe hormones make resisting impossible sometimes. That's been my excuse lately. But......

Today? Today was like other days I've had with my boyfriend. We ate dinner. Chicken fries. The calories really weren't all that bad. I ate slowly. I can do that with real food - I cut it up and dipped it in Ketchup. Yum. I may have eaten more than a serving, but I'm sure it was less than 300 calories. Yay.

Then, I reach for the m&ms and pretzels. I start eating them. I ate a lot. It was kind of slow - because when I have my period, I like to organize them in my hands and eat them together - like chocolate covered pretzels, but cheaper. Salt...carbs...chocolate... that's like crack.
I think this is the sort of thing that's a problem, though.
When eating becomes a task.
It's like...there's one...there's another...one more...there's another...

I repeat. Over and over.

There's something therapeutic about repetitious motion. I volunteer to fold things, for instance, for that group I'm in. I love it. I go into some sort of trance. and with two different bags of food sitting in front of me, that trance becomes a problem.

Until I wrote that down, I never really realized the therapeutic effect of repetition. I think I could use that in my favor.

The real issue seems to be with resisting the initial temptation. If I could manage that, then I could be okay.

Does anyone have any tips on resisting chocolate? Jeez... That's like...Hell.. Some girls, they can look at sweets and see a dressed up chunk of lard. I can't do it. I lust for stuff like that. Glutton. I'm a f*cking glutton.

I saw a psychologist once in middle school. Apparently my counselor thought I had home troubles or that I was depressed or something. Made me see him. My dad tricked me into going. I entered the room crying because I'd been tricked and forced to go in.

On the bright side, after a session or two I ended up telling him my dad hit me - he talked to my dad, I never saw a shrink again, and my dad hit me considerably less at that point.
He doesn't hit me at all, anymore. Which is good. I'm 20 and all.
He never hit me hard or anything. It was a scare tactic more than anything else. I guess maybe it was traumatic, but I don't think I was abused.. I just grew up with the knowledge that my dad has a short temper. Now I kind of think he might be bipolar. He's scary sometimes.

I would easily believe he's depressed.

But... I guess everyone in my house is going to remain an undiagnosed kind of crazy. I don't see my dad ever going to a psychologist. Or my mother - who's menopausal symptoms merit it. Or me. I think about it from time to time, but me? God... I don't see that happening anytime soon. I have too much pride to have my parents looking down at me for it. Besides... so many people use their mental disorders as bragging rights. Does that make sense? I never thought so, but I think I'd do it too.

It's kind of like how I don't want an IQ test. Because I couldn't bear proof that I'm average and I don't think I'd handle genius well, either.

Or like that episode of Seinfeld where they have arguments over who had the worst day.

I'm not sure those two make sense together, but you can see the merit in both?

I don't want pity. I don't really think I do deserve pity. I actually kind of hate pity, as a concept in general. I mean, empathy and sympathy have a place in society, but I HATE pity. Being pitied makes me feel weak. Sympathy being shown towards me when I'm upset - it just makes me cry. When I start to feel like I have a right to feel anything, I just sort of... over-do it. I don't trust my own feelings. I don't know how deeply they're supposed to go. I don't know how deep they DO go.

This is probably part of why I'm so obsessed with Spock. Vulcan control of emotions was so ...



^ So THAT. [lol, sorry for nerding out on you]

When I cry, I try to hide. I don't want to be coddled. Maybe it's because I cry easily. I just want to go off alone somewhere and remind myself that I'm over-reacting to something that wouldn't make a worthy human being cry. Then I feel better. I suck it up - or wander off and be alone some more

Maybe that's why I'm such a loner? I hate feeling things. I avoid people to avoid feeling.

So... resisting chocolate. How does one do that? And has anyone else experienced the trance-like eating thing before?

Unattainable Grace.

The fail is that I ate like a professional football player Saturday. I'd had a fight with my boyfriend the day before, and it's right around pms time so I... yeah, I tried to keep count but I think it was around 2500 calories. I ate so much my stomach ached. I couldn't stop myself. It was... a weird experience. Never has self control been so...difficult. I wanted to stop, but it was like I had to taste everything in the kitchen.

I failed yesterday, too - but it was weird. I ate about half a bag of tostidos and a bunch of m&ms with my boyfriend. This mindless, almost tasteless intake of food.

I'm less upset about yesterday because I had an argument with my dad. Which...completely made me laugh, because he told me I couldn't get a ride to my boyfriend's apartment, or from. Said I could take the bus. Being Sunday, the bus schedule sucks - however, it was a pleasant day and I coordinated with my boyfriend to meet at a corner that's probably about the same distance from my house and his mother's house, so we walked together. Then later at night, I sent my parents texts asking for a ride. Buses don't go by his house past six pm.

Nothin'

So, basically I spent the night at my boyfriend's apartment ... as punishment.
That's pretty amusing, isn't it?

I've complained before about my parents trying to control my spending the night with my boyfriend; I'm 20 and in a long term committed relationship...but when it's used as a threat? lol, it was a win-win scenerio. If they gave me a ride, I'd win. If they don't? Then I spend all night snuggling with more pleasant company.

My boyfriend was also very sweet today, called himself a bad boyfriend. We talked a little, and I'm feeling much better now. Hm... Oh, I never mentioned we had a fight.

There's a girl at this nerd meet-up thing.

The TINIEST woman I've ever seen in my life. I mentioned the asian girl, right? Yes.

Yeah, I went with him Friday.

She was...gorgeous, and so fucking tiny. She was short, but skinny. Super skinny. She was dressed in baggy clothes, but I damn near dropped dead when I saw her get out of her car. She must be 70lbs..Hell, given how short she was, maybe less. I was so discouraged I cried about it later. I didn't even start the fight with him, though, after I asked if we could leave. I was... unresponsive. He got frustrated. I was probably talking about how tiny she was a lot, and he told me to stop. We got some chinese food. Chicken and broccoli shouldn't be that greasy...but I ate all of it. God, I've probably been on a binge since Friday night.

Things are calming down. Usually a thin woman is thinspo. and it's true, while I was at that nerd meet-up I didn't eat a damn thing. The moment I left though... Well, I had reeses cups in my purse.

I managed to give some to my boyfriend, and I only had five with me. It started slow. I might have had two.
but yeah..it peaked Saturday.

She was sooo discouraging. I KNEW that I could never be as pretty as her. I knew my boyfriend would be seeing her every Friday night. I know he thinks she's pretty. and I KNOW that I would die long before I ever got to looking like her. It's Just. Not. Fair. I started to think about how ceasing to exist wouldn't be so bad. She put my mind in the absolutely worst place. You know what her name was? Grace. Unattainable Grace. She had such tiny fingers too, picking apart that scone. Scones are tastey, but they're not safe. She ate it like she had no appetite, like it was just food, and didn't matter at all.

The best I can do is going without.
but if I get it...
I inhale it. I lust for it.

It just wasn't fair. I wanted to die. I really wanted to die.

.............

Anyways, I keep daydreaming about two things...moving in with my boyfriend, and an elliptical. Hmm.. Both are probably easily attainable, but getting a job and moving scare me.

Okay, to make this entry worthwhile, I'll post a little elliptical thinspo.

Sorry if the entry has been scattered.



Oh, PS: My thinspo video has 102 views ^_^ That's some win in an ocean of fail.

jealousy, paranoia, and a semi-random question.

I'm feeling pretty down. Firstly because I'm bloated with carbs. I slept all day, ended up waking up in time for dinner - ravioli and texas toast. like 500 calories. I still feel gross. But mostly because I haven't seen my boyfriend all day.

He was at some programmers thing.

Doing some crap or some other crap.

I don't care what they're doing. All I know is that it's going to be every friday night, so I don't get to see him on friday anymore. What's more than that, there was apparently a pretty girl there. A skinny asian girl. I guess I'm glad I have a boyfriend who tells me stuff like that when I ask, but I'm so terrified of being left for someone better than me... It sounds so stupid, but I always feel so worthless and ugly. I AM worthless and ugly.
It could be more frequent than just fridays, too. Apparently it could become damn near an everyday thing. I'm afraid I'm going to lose him to it. argg..now he's picking a fight with me on meebo because I told him I was upset.
Basically he could be spending every Friday night with a pretty skinny asian girl. Better than me. Everyone is better than me. I'm crap. I'm fat, ugly, and not as smart as I used to think I was.
Of course, I'd be upset in thinking he would prefer to be on a computer than with me, too.

I'm afraid of becoming better than I am now.
I'm afraid being thin.
My bad skin has become part of my identity, too
I'm afraid of actually being as beautiful as I want my boyfriend to think I am.
Partly, because no matter how many improvements I make to myself, my boyfriend is still a lover of breasts and faces, and I'm blessed in neither of those areas. God, why is he with me? I KNOW I'm not what he wants. I wouldn't leave him for anything in the world, but it's honestly painful to be with someone who you know would change you given the opportunity. That's the only thing I'd change about him...

I just realized I wouldn't be nearly as insecure if I believed he thought I was perfect just as I am.

He's supportive and handsome and affectionate and patient and so much else....things I didn't really think I could find in a man. I always thought I could find a man who thought I was perfect, though.

I know I shouldn't be so jealous. I know it's natural for a guy to look. I know he probably won't end up alone with the pretty girl. I'm almost certain he wouldn't cheat on me. The thought of him finding someone more attractive than me is devastating. I already know he does...

semi-random question...do you think a genuinely unattractive person could get diagnosed with body dysmorphic disorder? Like if your shrink thought you were ugly, would he think it was a psychological issue that you thought you were ugly?

Wow. I'm...upset

So... I posted a post at a forum.

Never you mind which one.

I posted something a friend of mine had posted in her xanga blog.

Never you mind which friend.

But it was an article about masturbation written by the Mormon church. I thought it was amusing, mostly because they actually kind of sounded like Ana tips. I made the connection that it's probably about as hard for a young man to stop masturbating as it is to stop eating.

Clearly I should have adjusted for audience, I understand. I wasn't too upset when the post got deleted. I have a group of friends that understand a coarse sense of humor.

Except the the admin...never you mind who that might be...insulted me in incredibly unprofessional ways. unbelievably so.

Now, the private messages weren't so bad. I can understand, I can be civil. but without my saying anything else to her, she emails me this:

"I was very surprised that on [...] you posted about your problems on this
site under a different name. I think that if you have a problem on one site
you will try to resolve it with the Administrators. Your post did show
complete hatred of a major religion in the worst way. It shows racism at
its lowest form. It also show an intolerance towards Ed's and a complete
disregard of decency.
In following your blog trail you also used photos that were taken from
personal thinspo areas of other sites. I think all the girls on [...] would
be interested in knowing that you do not have any regard for privacy or
morality in further spreading personal photos.
Therefore you are denied access to the personal photos on [...]."

Okay. So...RACISM?! How is that RACIST?!
You have to understand, I've had virtually NO interaction with this person. But I responded with ...many less-than-lady-like words. I was pretty much aiming to tear her a new one. I also asked to be banned. I suppose I didn't have to. Fact is, none of those seriously offensive insults make any sense. Racism. Go to hell. I'm not a racist, and hell, I like Mormons too (who you may already know are *not* a race). But apparently I can't find a document about the evils of masturbation the slightest bit humorous without being....RACIST???? and there was not "complete hatred of a major religion in the worst way." I just made fun of the page a little.
And HOW exactly is that showing intolerance towards EDs????! Ugh.

I've...never been so offended in my life. I had enough decency to let my post be taken down gracefully, I only mentioned my predicament on another site briefly in a topic ABOUT the other site. But she sends me that...ridiculously offensive email.

So... that's one forum I'll never return to again.

Forgive the rant, it's just so ridiculous.

Now I somewhat understand the part about the pictures. I'm not saying she's right. CERTAINLY not. If you've been to one blog, you've been to them all in many cases - thinspo pics are ridiculously reused and common. Seriously. I've been all over the internet in the proana realm and there are dozens of sites using the same images I am. She's got NO business threatening my blog. Ugh. And I NEVER got thinspo images from a girl's personal site or blog. I got them from people just plain posting thinspo. That's all.

In the interest of humoring google, however, if she's going to try reporting me (I don't think it's below her), I'm going to replace those images with [image] for now.

Forgive the low talk about this person if you know who I'm talking about, forgive the strong feelings - I'm just incredibly offended and this was all over something as trivial as an article about masturbation. The words "lol" "mormon" and "masturbation" in the same area code apparently make for racism. Hm. Interesting Recipe. If I hadn't used the word "Mormon" it would probably have stayed up.

The linked article in question
^TRY to tell me some of those tips don't translate to Ana.

I'm so...so very angry. I can't show you what I wrote to show you how incredibly overblown this situation is because it was taken down. But if you've gotten any idea of the kind of person I am through this blog, you know I'm not the type who goes around spewing remarks around about people's spirituality ...or race for that matter. (seriously, wtf?).

...I need a hug. And someone tell me I'm right, please.

I'll get to commenting on your blogs after I get some sleep and calm down. If she reads this, and she certainly will, I'm asking her to stop. I'll have no desire to mention her again unless she does something else as momentously upsetting as what I've been left to rant about.

Though I visited the site in question one last time to find she's already begun to drag my name through the mud.

SOMEONE. I don't even know. Ugh. I'm so pissed I don't even have words anymore. I'm actually worried this is going to turn into harassment.

Today

Today I think I'm doing pretty well
I got confused though. You see, I was snacking at my boyfriends...again...when suddenly my stomach felt nasty and I thought it might go away, but it didn't. I ended up running to the bathroom and throwing up.

I felt much better afterwards, but I wondered how much of the snacks had come up. Reading mia blogs, it seems like the snacking wouldn't count. But I counted it anyway. I'm not bulimic...

It's my time of month now, and my stomach is always fussy around this time, but it's been a long time since I've thrown up. Maybe this will encourage me to eat a little less if I don't want to end up puking in my boyfriend's toilet. He accused me of doing it on purpose - I laughed that off, but I probably should have slapped him.

Oh, another boyfriend story. We were talking and he said something about moving in together one day. I asked him if he would think I was perfect by then...he said..."mu."

Apparently "mu" is some ancient Chinese or Japanese answer to a riddle that essentially means that the question can't be answered because it assumes something untrue.

I just accused him of calling me a cow.
Just to mess with him.

The thing is though, as much as he'd like me to think the assumption that he doesn't think I'm perfect is untrue - it's quite true. He doesn't think I'm perfect. He won't even tell me what he thinks is perfect. Probably because it's so far from what I am. Huge titted, fourteen, and and twenty pounds lighter than me.

Something I noticed today, though - I've got some impressive collar bones. I'm not particularly skinny, but I've got the kind of collar bones that you can see where they end in the shoulders, do you know what I mean?



I've got that little bump over there. Perhaps not quite as pronounced as hers.

In any case, I like it. Made me worry for a bit that perhaps my chest will get skinny long before my thick legs will, though. and I'll be a skeleton on top and still have a fat ass. Of course, my thick legs are part of the reason I've always looked thinner than I am. People guess my weight 10 lbs lighter because of all the fat hiding in my legs.

...

I've been a real bum lately. I get it from my parents. I don't think my dad's been to the IRS office to print out old taxes yet. He's impossible and an ass.

I said I'd make a 50 question survey workout.

The fifty questions were easy, the workout part? I can't seem to do, that's the harder half of it. It's started and in a draft.
I also waited to the latter part of the day to post, and my traffic is down.
I like attention.
So I need to pay attention.
Anyone else addicted to analytics.google.com ?

I really would like to grow my site, I see I now have 21 followers :D that's quite exciting

Welcome girls!

Okay. I'm going to have a fiber one bar and catch up on some blogs before bed.

Things

There are a couple things I need to overcome if I want to get past this horrible plateau I've been on.

The biggest problem is how much I eat when I'm with my boyfriend.

It averages to about 800 calories in the six hours we're together.

I can't help it. I know that's a lame thing to say, I'm trying. Sometimes I make him buy apples, they're a safe food.

Any tips? He's not the richest guy in town, and he's primary food intake consists of chocolate and white grains. Why he looks so good??? Ugh, because he's a man. Stupid amazing male metabolism. lol

You know what our normal dinners together are?

Chicken nuggets and ranch dressing.

-_- so good, yet so evil

500 calories of evil

with some sort of snack food accompaniment.

I guess the easiest thing to do would be to stop coming to him hungry. I start out the day so nice, though. I hate to spoil it.

Help?

Anyways.... I'm going to go ahead and mention that one of the blogs I subscribe to, Quest for Perfection, by the lovely Kat ~ has now opened an amazing (and I mean amazing) website chock full of information and thinspiration, as well as forums and room for a lot of interactiveness.

ProAnaQuest

So if you haven't already, check it out. It's gorgeous.

I'll end the post with some thinspo.

[image]


^ I want to look like that wearing something like that. You know, except without the crazy emo hair and bug-eye glasses. lol - just not my thing.

[image]

[image]

Thanks :-)

Hey, girls.
I really love this blog, and the people who are reading it. I realize it's keeping me motivated. I've been working out more since I started this blog, and though my weight had plateaued I think it's started moving again. So thank you, your encouragement means everything :-D

I'm really beginning to suspect I've got a social anxiety disorder.
The other day I was at a career fair thing. I managed to stay a little while. I went alone. I talked to...2 people. Then I started to feel overwhelmed.
The place was crowded, I felt so ugly...It was full of skinny grad-students in pants suits and carrying portfolios. There were a couple other people dresses normally. I wasn't a total freak.
I don't know. I went out of curiosity.
I started to feel intimidated and warm. Very warm. So I left. Practically ran. Nearly forgot my coat. I don't think I needed it though, because though the wind-chill outside was in the single digits, if not negative - I was sweating like a hog. A fat, pimply, greasy hog who hadn't brushed her hair in days.
On the bright side, I got a pen, a tote, and sugar free mints just for asking for information. From Target. lol. One of the more relieving things about going there. So many companies will hire you just for having a four year degree. That's a relief. I'd heard that, but never really believed it. I still haven't chosen a major.
And Fish Price is looking for people with Aerospace engineering degrees. Something else I learned. lol - Just thought that was interesting.

Oh, and RayRay, I think I'll take you up on that challenge to make a 50 question survey workout :-D you just wait. Gimme a couple days. We'll see how this turns out.

Now a little thinspo. It's all about the tush.



[image]

Things I hate about my body

There is so much wrong with my body, and I'm going to start with the things that have nothing to do with how fat I am.

My skin. It's by far the worst problem. Scarred, acne, greasy, uneven. It's not as bad as it used to be, but when I break out, I break out like no one else does. Sometimes it's even painful. I'll have a dozen or more at a time. Fat red ones, on fair skin. It's hideous. It's disgusting.
Sometimes I feel like I'm wearing a mask, and that if I tried, I could just peel it off and look the way I did when I was ten. It's a nightmare.

My face. In general. My nose is too big, I get bags under my eyes, and my angles are all wrong. Don't get me wrong, there are things I like too. I'm fairly symmetrical, I have big green eyes - sometimes I like my lips, or at least I've never had a problem with them. But the angles. I look wrong in almost every light. I'm ugly. I don't photograph well, unless I'm whited out. Sometimes when I see pictures of myself I get lost in staring at them, trying to connect what I see with how I feel. It's kind of like that scene in "the eye."

How thick my legs are. They're chunky, they always have been. My jeans are bigger than my dress size, by like a lot. I'm not sure, but I don't think that's normal.

My breasts. This is a major one. They're down-right flappy. I realize this is a natural side-effect of losing weight, but I hate this. I'm afraid of on-top sex positions. I don't want to disgust my boyfriend, or myself.

It's like...I'm never going to be pretty. Never. I know that. I can't say as I accept it completely, but at the very least, at the VERY least...I want to be thinner than the pretty girls.

Areas to work on...

Love handles
belly
arm flab
cellulite
imperfect ass
thighs. omg. my thighs.
my hips

My self-esteem is very low today, but I exercised yesterday. It's been a long time since I've formally exercised. I was very proud of myself. Then I binged today on snack foods. That's okay... Today serves as motivation. Today I'm more motivated than I've been in a long time. I'll start doing my ab routine again (I may post it soon), and jogging in place for at least 20 minutes beforehand. Plus everything else I've been doing.

Tonight the plan is to drink a ton of water.

Okay. Here's some thinspo.











You can do it girls. So can I.

My introduction

I'm 19 years old and I know how I want to die

Fragile, small. Lily white flesh stretched over a skeleton, as painful to look at as it was to exist in the final days.

Ana isn't beautiful. Not by societal standards. It's always acceptable to be thin as death but angular bones need to be softened in photoshop, sunken eyes corrected with make-up.

I crave, though, to look as sick on the outside as I feel on the inside. My body is my art, my mind is slowly breaking under the pressures that keep building around me. I think that's beautiful, and that's the only thing in my heart that's beautiful.

Insanity is like a friend, though. Somehow, it makes me feel superior to others. My sickness is a sign of intelligence. Every goal I reach is a trophy to my worth as a human being, and in the end, I want to be able to die, perfectly.

I want to be walking death. I want people to know I'm dying. Just one more experience, attention, to love and hate at the same time. The shame of being judged, but the sick sense of fame I'll get from knowing they're watching me die
and to be completely honest
I hate each and every one of them.

I can't talk to people. I can't relate to people. I don't like to touch them

I don't even want to tell you my weight. All you need to know is that I'm a failure. I'm average. I'm normal.

Mediocrity is worse than death.