Societal expectations of beauty are BullShit.

Apparently the perfect BMI is 20.85

I feel like I may have blogged this before. At the time I learned this, I was significantly heavier than I am now, and I was stunned. Offended even, that this was considered worthy of the title "Okay girls, relax, 20.85 is now the perfect body!" Goddamnit, no! I had to work for that bmi, and after that I'm down to a bmi of 20 that number still strikes me as bullshit. 20.85? I'm know my boyfriend is attracted to women thinner than I am. I have no doubt. He's not atypical either. Maybe other men are better at hiding it, but girls, we know who we see men looking at.

There's another standard out there that's quite popular. It's 36-24-36 measurements.
Those measurements don't go with that bmi.
Actually, Sir Mix-a-Lot Probably said it best. "36-24-36? Ha ha, only if she's 5'3"

That's probably about how tall you'd have to be to have those measurements and that bmi.

Do any of us want..."back?"

No. No we do not.

I certainly wouldn't mind a 24 inch waist. Mine was 25.5 this morning, and my weight was 126 - which would be my thinnest, but I don't necessarily trust the scale.

The point I'm trying to get at is that it's unrealistic to set out standards on what society gives us to go by. That's what most people seem to think anorexics are going by. That society is giving us "unrealistic expectations" of beauty and that we're trying to live up to them, but in reality we're probably the only ones who aren't listening to those societal expectations.

Because they don't make sense.

So we do with our bodies what we think is beautiful, for whatever beautiful reasons they might be. Like a ... "fuck you" to those very same societal expectations. We're too smart to be convinced that what's normal is what's beautiful. We just sort of...opt out of playing the same failure game that everyone else plays.

It seems like the delusional game the rest of the world is playing [about getting a 24 inch waist the healthy way] is just as crazy as starving yourself. More so. Restricting will get you there. 1800+ calories a day won't. It might make you *muscular* if you're working out.

God, people are just so full of contradictions.

They say 'be healthy.'

If they say it to a fat person they're saying 'lose weight'

If they're saying it to a "healthy" person, they mean 'don't get thinner than me'

and if they're saying it to a thin person, they mean 'get fat so I can be thinner than you'

Fuck that nonsense.

I know what I want.

~

So that was the rant I had waiting in my reserves. What do you think?

I want to direct you guys to a great website I stumbled upon yesterday. PrettyThin
It's like a proana myspace and it has heaps of users. I can't believe I didn't know about it O_O

a couple thinspo videos

Trying to catch up on some blogs

I'm not going to say much...I'm under stress. I need a job. I don't have much else to add to that.

So have some thinspo.


I found this video on youtube, it's really beautiful and perfectly well done.


And this one is pretty inspirational too . :] More uplifting.

Links to my better posts

Since I have over fifty posts I realize that many of my newer readers aren't going to go through my old blogs reading all the fluff, so I decided to make a list of links to some of my more useful blogs. Maybe I'll do a thinspo list another time, looking through my old posts I noticed I have a lot of those too.

Anyways, usually I make my links to open in a new tab, but this time I'm going to make the default link open in the same window and put an 'X' next to it that will open in a new window. I figure some people might prefer to just back track, at least when it's a list like this.

From newest to oldest:
Body Frame Size [X]

Inner thigh, outer thigh, butt workouts [X]

YouTube exercise videos [X]

Metamucil [X]

Tips [X]

Pro-Ana[X]
^ Not necessarily "useful" but I like this one.

Calories Per Minute chart[X]

I don't post useful blogs enough. I hate getting all vulnerable... I write a lot of emotional blogs and people seem to take well to them, but I think in general the ones that have info like that are more appreciable. Helping others is really what keeps me in line. I learn so much, too.

I feel like I've learned so much about dieting since I've been blogging. If the topic comes up around my boyfriend's friends (they're all fat, remember?) I feel so tempted to bring up all the tips I have in my repertoire, but I'm afraid it would make me look sick. I mean, I can't act normal around them anyway, and I'm half their size - even if I'm still just an average weight. In any case, I feel like that shouldn't be the subject I open up about so eagerly.

Anyways, later my friends.

thanks, some depressing stuff and some thinspo links.

85 followers. I'm pretty impressed with myself.

I want to thank Lyla Unleashed, xthinforever, and sadhanna for their comments on my blog about my childhood friend...
I really needed some input.

xthinforever, though - he wasn't obsessed with little girls. I don't know how it came off like that. I meant to say that when we were in middle school, like seven years ago, he'd talk about girls. Not *little* girls. I mean he was an adolescent boy and we'd talk about stuff like that. I believe the bit about high compulsiveness. That makes perfect sense.

And thanks to Lyla and Sadhanna for your stories. I would love to believe he's innocent, but I don't know enough about what happened to say for sure. I know he pleaded guilty, that's what the article said. and I don't know how to get in contact with him.

Funny thing is, just yesterday I was visiting my beau's nerd group, which apparently is across the street from some sort of half-way house for sex-offenders. It was weird, all I could think was that in a few years, my friend might be in that very spot.

Thinking about what happened to this friend made me think about spontaneous human combustion. Don't know how well I can explain it, but it's like... with spontaneous human combustion, if it's real, someone just experiences some sudden molecular mutation and bursts into flames out of nowhere. It's like poof - they're on fire. There's no reason something like that should happen. It's not in the nature of humans to burst into flames. It's unpredictable and extremely unlikely, but all the sudden someone's reduced to a pile of ashes before they had the chance to realize what happened. In a way, that's what happened to this friend, as far as I could tell. No one could have seen this coming. It's just sudden, and extreme, and before you know it so much is fucked up...

Anyways... I'm in the basement of my boyfriend's mother's house on my laptop. I don't really like being at his mother's house; apart from the wifi there's nothing we really do here. We don't really snuggle. It's really more like he sits on his computer and I sit at the laptop. We occasionally talk. Today he wants me to blog while he cleans the upstairs room. Not this blog of course... He wants me to work on a blog we started together. It's promising actually. We got like thirty-something hits after the first entry.

I've been eating far too much lately. Even my dad said I was eating too many brownies. That's just...traumatic coming from him. I'm ashamed to admit all this. I think I've gained a few pounds, but it's hard to tell because I'm less than a week away from my period and I'm sure I must be bloated. I really am disgusted with myself though.. I've been trying to work out, burn the calories off - but the way I'm eating makes me sick. I need help. I could go back to the way I was calorie counting before, but it just wasn't working anymore. It was always like I was watching the numbers go higher and higher and I couldn't stop myself.

I wish I just didn't *want* the food. As much as I try to brainwash myself, it doesn't always work. At this very moment I can still feel that brownie sitting in my stomach, dissolving, turning into my side-fat. By the way, my love handles are bigger than my breasts. I'm repulsive...I hate my body.

Sometimes I look in the mirror, and I just want to cry. That's what happened last night. I took off my shirt in the mirror. I have a muffin top. and I looked at myself, and pinched it, and I wanted to cry. and I started to feel like I was going to. Because I feel like I'm never going to be thin. I also realized I'm even uglier when I cry.

It's been so damn long since I've lost weight. I can't even express it. I mean, yeah, I lost two pounds camping - but I gained it right back. For a moment the other day I was 127 on the scale. but now I'm back to 130. maybe 131. The same I was at the beginning of the summer. All the changes that have been made, it's been up and down in a small margin and I hate myself.

How can my boyfriend even pretend to be attracted to me? I know there's a billion other women in the world he finds more attractive than me.

I am one of those fat, pathetic, unattractive weepy girls no one feels sorry for. That you just instinctively know are wrong and worthless. I could disappear tomorrow and the world would be a slightly more beautiful place.

I have this habit of grabbing at my fatty parts without even thinking about it. I'll be sitting in a meeting for my group and be pinching my gut under my shirt.

Anyways, I keep thinking I don't deserve to be thin. It's just not going to happen. I can't get under 130lbs. Or at least I can't stay there. I should be 123. Seems like an odd number, but in my blog about body frame size I figured out that's the bottom of my healthy range. I would look good at that weight. After that I Guess I'd want to be 120. After that I'd want to see if I could be under 120. By then I think I'd be technically underweight - which would also be interesting. Point is by the time I got to 123, I bet there wouldn't be so damn much of me to grab. I make myself sick.

Anyways, I'm wearing a six 9 jeans, and they're loose on me. This is of more significance to me than you, because my sizing has always been weird. It's my thick legs... but I want to go shopping sometime and try on sizes until I find the smallest I can fit into. I would *love* that. I'd like to lose a few more pounds first, though.

I need a job. I really do. I need about $1000 to afford to go to school this semester. I have transportation issues though. I'd pretty much have to find a job on my bus route. I say my bus, because it goes right by my house fairly regularly, and it's fairly versatile too. Technically I could also walk ten or fifteen minutes to the bus-stop that goes to the mall. That's a good bus. Always so crowded, though.

I want to work in retail. I so desperately need clothes, you have no idea. My parents say I don't because I have so many lying around, but most don't fit or are ripped or stained and I just don't know what to do with all my stuff. I know I need to do something. I need help. I need guidance. Nothing my parents have EVER been good at.

Friends could help, but I don't have any friends. Maybe I should clean.

But if I cleaned, my parents would get all sarcastic with me. It fucking pisses me off..

I'm to the point where I'm just ranting. I need to find direction or end the post.

Or...I have a better idea.

bonish-thinspo7
ivala-thinspo
iamgettingby
Those three xangas contain SOOOO much thinspo.

I know what I want to do next, though. I want to ask some of my facebook friends if I can post their personal pics. A few of my ana facebook friends just look fucking spectacular and I'm so jealous. D:

My Facebook


I just like this pic. It came out of a facebook friend's album, it's an MK thinspo.
I looove MK.
but this pic really stands out to me because I always feel like the girl on the right. I have pics that remind me of this.

Updates and Body Frame Size

I learned something while camping for a week. Sorry for the long absence, by the way. I was gone for a week, living in a cabin with no electricity in a park where there are bears. I spent the whole first night thinking I was going to die. o_0 I got over that eventually, though. I didn't see any bears... but other people did. I can't go into too much detail about individuals, but yeah... bears.

Got sooo much exercise though. One day with did a ten mile hike. It took six hours. Granted, there were children there, but there was still six hours of muchly uphill hiking. Wow. I felt amazing. I know what you're thinking though - you're much more impressed with the children. lol, me too. Kids are perfect for stuff like that. A five minute break and they're running laps around the mountain.

I ended up losing two pounds...I think I've gained it back now, though. Which is sad.
I haven't been counting calories.
It's both something I'm kind of proud of and something I'm terrified of.
I didn't think I could do that, but sooner or later I'm going to have to start again. It's just freeing to not do it.
I think I should just avoid things...but I haven't gotten good at that without numbers backing me up. Maybe that's a weakness. Maybe that's something I should be working on? For instance...I just ate four blocks of a Hershey's Giant Bar.

Am I crazy or stupid?

Anyways... Body frame size. I learned in discussion that body frame size can be measured with the size of your wrist. So I googled it and got:
This Page

Women:

* Height under 5'2"
o Small = wrist size less than 5.5"
o Medium = wrist size 5.5" to 5.75"
o Large = wrist size over 5.75"
* Height 5'2" to 5' 5"
o Small = wrist size less than 6"
o Medium = wrist size 6" to 6.25"
o Large = wrist size over 6.25"
* Height over 5' 5"
o Small = wrist size less than 6.25"
o Medium = wrist size 6.25" to 6.5"
o Large = wrist size over 6.5"

Men:

* Height over 5' 5"
o Small = wrist size 5.5" to 6.5"
o Medium = wrist size 6.5" to 7.5"
o Large = wrist size over 7.5"

I measured my wrist. It's under six inches. I actually kind of find it hard to believe that I'm small framed, when I'm a healthy weight and my size in everything is "Medium." But I checked several sources, apparently that's standard.

After you check that out, you can check this out too: HERE
Apparently I'm in the healthy range for a small framed, 5'7" person.

...wait, what's elbow measurement? I don't know how to do that...
*learns how to do that*
apparently I'm still small framed.

This is a very strange realization for me.

:] but I guess it's a good one.

Okay. Enough of my rambling.

Enjoy this: The Lovely Bones
It has lots of pop-ups, but it also seems to have lots of good stuff.

How Cute Is This??

Gay pride march - fun and a good workout!

Marched in a gay pride parade today with my boyfriend. It was really really fun. :D I've never been to one before - lol, it's the sort of thing my parents wouldn't want to take me to. Anyways, there was some thinspo there. Some tiny Roller Derby girls and a bunch of skinny high school girls that I *think* might only have been there for the opportunity to dress in rainbow tights and dance to techno. That's okay, too, I guess. lol - especially since my beau and I weren't stuck behind them at any point.

Anyways, yeah - a buckload of walking. A weird artichoke sandwich from a coffee shop (gotta try new things, right?) that I picked apart after I learned I didn't much care for artichokes. I thought it was some sort of mutant rotting lettuce until a friend verified it's identity. lol - fun.

Anyways, what else did I have to say? I guess nothing much has changed. Wore shorts today. I didn't feel too hideous - it was cute from the right angles... chunky from others. I guess I might have looked svelte in comparison to the drag queens. Bless'em.

Some of my boyfriend's evangelist friends were there protesting. lol - no one payed much attention to them - not nearly as many people argued as I might have expected. Not even my beau - which was pleasant. He did however insist on saying hello. That was okay, though. There were some witty bits of conversation, though. At least funny.

Evangelist: "Name one natural part of gay sex"
My beau: "Ejaculation."

Friend: "You're message is really ineffective"
Evangelist: "I preach - I get my message out the way god wants me to"
Friend: "I guess your God wants you to be ineffective"

*girl standing with sign that says something about former homosexuals being saved*
Friend: "You'd be having a lot more fun with us"

Yeah, it was great.

Okay. I don't know if that's too many details, especially with the pic. We'll see, won't we?

and since I didn't even mention the pic, yes, that's me and my thick legs. Looks better than in another pic - I was going to post them both to demonstrate how chubby they could look in a different position - but my boyfriend wouldn't send it to me because he worries about how pics affect my self esteem.

Evangelists, bhangra, and skinny porn ^_^

I'm desperately in need of catching up on blogs. I haven't read in like three days - it's awful. I've been too tired or too busy or I left my laptop at my boyfriend's apartment.

He and I went downtown today, for some big free concert series that happens every week here. It's huge. I may have mentioned it before - I've mentioned it somewhere. Anyways, we don't go to see the concert. He goes to argue with the baptists carrying the giant "YOU'RE ALL GOING TO HELL" signs (he's good friends with all of them, knows their names, can't function without talking to them every Thursday all summer long). I go to be with him (kind of a fail, he simply can't be reached when arguing with an evangelist) and for the off chance of meeting a friendly acquaintance, like I did today. Brief exchange of words and a hug before he went on his merry way.

Lots of gorgeous thin girls, lots of fat people too - plenty of fat girls who thought they were thin. You know the type...

Eating was ... okay ... until I had the chocolate cravings. I ate more chocolate than I should have, even just to stop the cravings, but I wouldn't call it a binge. I was able to resist the seductive allure of the rest of the hershey's bar. Partly because my boyfriend interrupted my lustful gaze with the desire to cuddle - bless his sexy soul. lol :)I wish I were one of those Ana's who could look at sweets and just be disgusted. No...no... I just salivate.

Oh, I wanted to mention my new exercise video. Got it going through CDs at a thrift store - lol :) It's called "Bhangra Beats," It's really fun, it got me really sweaty, and I swear it shrunk my thighs just a tiny bit in one go ^_^

http://www.bhangrabeats.org/

It looks like it's kind of expensive, but I got it for three dollars and it makes me happy ^_^ It's even cleared my skin up quite a bit. I absolutely MUST do it a couple times a week. It's going to become tantamount to a medical necessity. I'm really confident I'll see more results from it too. Hell, it even lifted my mood. lol :D I'm selling it like a miracle cure, but it's truuuue >_< I need to get more aerobic exercise, it's the shizzle.

Okay, one more thing. If you can get past how disturbing it is, and I think most of us have at least some acceptance of disturbing, skinny porn is a seriously good source of thinspo.



I made the image a link to a skinny fetish blog - so watch out for that. It seems pretty safe in general, but it's not worksafe - or if you're just creeped out by porn. Which is understandable. Oh, and it has an annoying talking ad, so mute your speaker until you can click the 'x.' I find Ashley Madison more disturbing than skinny porn...

Let's face it - there's no food in that gorgeous woman's stomach, and it's not the typical thinspo that you see every single time you visit ANY thinspo site. There's some original stuff in there. Some if it safe to post as thinspo. Like her.

falling asleep, but giving you some fun stuff ^_^

My boyfriend and I took some pics today, playing with his camera. Gawd, I have an awful face. My skin...the angles...but that's not the point. That's got my self esteem down, but the pics reminded me that I have a long way to go.

I'm slowly losing weight. Slowly, but surely. I won't complain unless I gain or totally plateau, I guess.

One thing I don't understand, though, is that I get protein, I exercise a bunch, I'm losing weight - and I seem to be getting squishier. I kind of think maybe the fat is softening up before it goes away. It makes sense in my head, but I've never heard any science to make that not sound stupid. But yeah...I'm really really squishy.

Anyways, I found some amazing exercise videos. My trouble areas, as you may have seen, are my hips and thighs and butt and legs...lol - all of that. Hell, even my calves are fat. I don't understand it, I just have really thick legs and always have.

This girl is amazing. If you look up "inner thigh workouts" on youtube, you get a ton of her videos. This one is one of my favorites - I just tried it a couple nights ago. It feels amazing.



This one looks like torture - Haven't tried it, but must...



I didn't own an exercise ball, but I can balance myself on something else, right?


lol, I started falling asleep on the couch writing this. I guess I don't have much else to say.
Suppose I could add that I've been watching "The Nanny" on Nick at night, I show I used to love as a kid, but never before did I realize how skinny the leading women are. Gorgeous, thin women.

and a bonus...

THINSPO

lol, I've been finding great links all over the place. Check my twitter, I usually post them. There's a ton of proana twitters, too - just check who I'm following. haha, I genuinely don't mean to whore my twitter, I just genuinely love it.

Okay, gross ~_~

My Summer Challenge "before" pic.
Okay, that's even worse than I expected it to be. It's a bad angle, but that seems like an excuse. I guess I knew my hips were a nightmare, but that's just disgusting. I apologize if this disappoints some people, I think it might.
On the bright side, that's a real motivator. WOW is that a real motivator. If I don't have slimmer hips by the end of the challenge, you have my permission to stop following me. I really don't deserve followers.
It's gimped, but only for modesty and anonymity.
Okay, so what did I want to blog about? Besides my monstrous thighs.
I guess I could share a couple links I thought were motivating.

Lily Cole and Mary-Kate thinspo. Seriously good stuff O_O

You've probably heard all of these tips, but it's thinspirational to read them, I think.

So far today I've had less than 800 calories.

I haven't worked out, but I will.

I don't know if the image will stay up...If it goes down it'll probably happen when I post my next entry.

I'm not exactly articulate, tonight, am I? Wasted some thoughts on twitter, perhaps.
And I'm nervous. Terrified to hit "publish."

I really want to thank the girls who commented on my last blog. Things are still chaotic. I have one paper and the make-up test out of the way. Neither of them are worth being particularly confident about.

This week has been chaotic. My mother is worse than usual. My dad said...he wants to talk about her...which can't be good. I don't know what it means, I'm hoping that conversation will just slip through the cracks of the everyday.

My mother is INSANE though. She does things just to upset me. That's not kidding. She's emotionally sadistic. She does and says things to make me cry, then responds to everything I say with this ridiculously condescending, cold, arrogant tone. The kind of tone that's so uncaring and full of shit that makes you want to punch someone in the face. Do you know what I mean? I can't really get into detail...

I went out with my beau, today, though. He's my escape. Even though we had a big fight just yesterday. Something he said about my paper, which was mean. I'm never letting him read a paper for my philosophy class again. My paper WAS kind of lame, but he made me feel more like an idiot than an underachiever. So I reacted a little...tugged a news paper away from him. That got HIM in a huff. So we went to the bus together..and we sat down.

He says: "Why are you sitting next to me?"

That was REALLY cold and mean. So I went to the back and cried the entire ride. When it came time to get off the bus, I was a wreck. I wanted to go home, but I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to go with him, either, but I did anyways. We made up. He says he didn't mean it like that. I felt so abused, though. I wasn't even really upset about the paper, but the thing on the bus was just so wrong. He got nicer later...not really nice, he was still arguing with me. He just doesn't know when to let something go. He's oblivious. So the last couple days, I've just been sobbing and upset between my mother and my father and my beau.

It's probably my own fault that that's all I have.

If I had friends that took up some of my time, I think my beau would appreciate me more. But I really can't have friends. I can't handle social responsibility. Besides, I have no mode of transportation except my mother and I get lost taking the bus without my beau. So, I really couldn't have friends anyway.

Today would have been a really nice day calorie wise...but I ate a cookie. A GIANT cookie. A huge square piece of one of those cookie-brownie monsters, you know what I mean? I counted it as like a thousand calories. I'm hoping it's a big overestimation, because I didn't eat the whole thing. That was really weak. What's more, it was my idea. That was REALLY weak. -_- I'm quite disappointed in myself. It made me sick to my stomach. Which just means I won't eat anything else today, which is good.

Someone gave me a tomato today. Was pretty random. But I my beau and I ate it raw, like an apple, but sloppier. and it was really refreshing and yummy. slurp slurp. a tomato is apparently like 25 calories, too. I recommend. I don't recommend the delicious giant cookie-brownie evil thing.

Anyways, to top of this awful week, I have to do a paper that was due last week by Monday, and I'm sick, and probably getting my beau sick. Because I need to be touching him, constantly. If he's in the room, I have to be touching him, or my head will explode. I hate being sick. I guess that's normal. It started off as a sore throat, and evolved into stuffy sinuses and a runny nose, exacerbated by crying.

Except for the cookie incident, my eating is back to normal. It must have been PMS. That's something. Only one more paper left. I need the tax information by May 1st that's a financial aid deadline in NY for TAP. I don't have high hopes. :( I think it can be filed late, but everything is late ENOUGH. My dad is so worthless...my mother is so sadistic.

My boyfriend and my ED are all I have that I can count on. You wouldn't believe how frightening the thought of losing him is. He knows it, too, but I wish he could appreciate me HALF as much as I appreciate him. I REALLY feel like that isn't the case most of the time.

...brb?

I'm under a LOT of stress lately.

I mention this because I feel like I owe you guys an explanation, I've been avoiding my blog. Mostly because I'm failing so badly.

I'll be back...I mean it...It's just that with my dad neglecting my financial aid needs ( YES STILL ), my FAIL, my grades...I missed an exam wednesday. Due to a fight with my mom.

I've been fighting with my mom a lot. She's a nightmare. She HATES me.

Anyways... I haven't written or commented in ages, and I just wanted you to know why.

I'll probably write a few blogs, but I can't dedicate myself to this until some of my stressors have gone away. Probably after exams, which start in a couple weeks. No one but me seems to care about my future...

Worst case scenerio, I guess I get a job and have to take summer classes. Still feels like the end of the world, though.

Anyways, hope you girls are doing better than I am.

I had an ED related dream wherein I was looking through my bag and found a bunch of half-eaten Krispy Kremes. I don't understand why... I don't eat those. They're the absolute epitome of empty calories and even a glutton like me knows to avoid them, but people were praising me and telling me how thin I looked. Anas, Mias. Things were odd and spacey. For some reason Miley Cyrus was there? Giving me a critical look.

I've been feeling like a fat failure lately.
I haven't lost weight in ages.
Only two pounds to my next goal and I can't reach it. It's so hard. Two more pounds, and I'll have lost 20lbs since that nightmarish day when I stepped on the scale and saw that I was re-becoming the cow I was in middle school.

I haven't gotten metamucil. I've had lots of fiber from other sources, though. I'm out of money now. I'll have to wait a few days.

I just feel so awkward. I'm reverting again. Reverting to a childlike stage of helplessness. Where I avoid responsibility and misbehave pretending I don't know any better.

A state of mind I get so often, where I hide behind anything because I feel incompetent and resultantly get absolutely nothing done.

I thought today would be a reasonable day. But my boyfriend bought oreos. I thought I'd only have one...but they were so good. So fresh. I had six. 320 empty calories added to a good day. This almost doubled the intake I've had today.

I'm also a failure at blogging.

I'm obsessed with my blog, but I fail

I stalk myself via google analytics. I don't necessarily recommend it. It might consume someone with perfectionist tendencies. The idea that improvement should come. My blog seems to weirdly parallel my personal progress. Not too impressive, but all slow progress is still measurable progress.

Therefor I have determined that greater dedication to my weightloss requires greater dedication to my blog. But given how stressful my life has been lately, I anticipate that it might not be entirely possible just now.

I don't know where to go from here.

I need some encouragement and motivation.

I can be this ( so mean..but so..possible )
..
..

Or this.


^ editted this last pic. Was dissatisfied with that last one.

YouTube!

I'm sure most of you have discovered youtube as a form of thinspiration, but has anyone discovered it's worth as exercise videos? There's a ton of amateurs on YouTube, and those videos are really helpful.

This one's a joke, but it's super cute.



lol ^_^ Combination thinspo workout.

K, now that you're all warmed up, care to do a lower ab workout?



I love youtube. It's like having your very own personal trainer. Just type in the part of your body you want to exercise and add "workout."

...

So yeah, that's awesome.

I was in CVS with my boyfriend and checked out the store brand metamucil. Almost bought it...but didn't. My beau knew what I wanted it for so he grabbed it out of my hands and put it back on the shelf. I laughed at him. He's funny when he's trying to be stern <3

Maybe tomorrow.

Night :)

No Diet Pills for Me, Thanks

Hey girls :)

I was on reddit and came across and article titled: "Why spend money on expensive diet drugs when this will fill you up and keep you from eating just as effectively? "

Personally, I'm terrified of diet pills. I mentioned in a previous entry that I have an aversion to caffeine. It doesn't sit well with me. It makes my heart race and I actually get scared for my well-being. The main purpose of caffeine in diet pills is that it speeds up the metabolism, helps compensate for the energy you're not getting from food, and acts as a diuretic. That's all well and good, but I think that things that speed up your metabolism just make you hungrier and I don't want to lose water-weight, I want to lose real weight.

Anyways, getting to the point



The article suggests "chugging Metamucil" [ link ]

"One little-known secret to weight loss, which is rarely discussed on the Internet, has to do with chugging Metamucil, and in particular, sugar-free Metamucil. Metamucil is nothing more than non-soluble fiber. It will fill you up but provide little actual nutrition. What's more, the sugar-free variety has only 5 calories per serving, yet makes you feel as if you just ate a whole meal!"

...


"It is not necessary to purchase name-brand Metamucil. The store brand or off-brand works just as well, and are the exact same quality on a general basis. However, the "clear" versions, such as Benefiber, are not effective for the diet since it does not bulk up."

I haven't tried this, but I'm definitely intrigued.

I may have to get some from the campus store this week!

...

I feel a bit guilty not having written yesterday. I was so distracted by adult swim games.
I may have to post a list of games ... you know ... as a distraction to food...not...an...addiction or anything >_>

...

lol, k :)

Blogging and tips :o)

I've been thinking about my blog lately and the direction it's taking. I intended on finding things like statistics, trends, media, tips, resources, and posting every few days. I didn't intend to really have a blog that got very personal and talked about my own food intake and personal problems, at least not too much. I have a hard time staying on task, though.
I need to keep myself focused. The fact that it makes me stay on task is one of the reasons my blog is helping me. I'm not the type who benefits purely from support, I think I thrive on supporting others, especially since I'm not that good at expressing myself without sounding...awkward. That really turns people away.
Anyways, basically I'm saying I don't want to just post fluff when I just don't feel like trying, and though in review none of my entries are that bad, I just need to remind myself that people don't care about the cookies my mother made and how ridiculous the growth in my thighs was overnight. At least not without some sort of substantial context in which to frame it.



Anyways, now to some tips! :-)

"Stina" wrote:

"This post is inviting you to join in on TIP-SHARE 2009! Basically, I'm tired of reading tips or "tricks" on websites and in magazines and having no idea if they actually work. I want you to tell me tips that you actually use to lose weight, curb hunger, fast, avoid binging, stay motivated, and so on! You can post your tips in your blog so that everyone can read them."

I don't know if I have many original ideas, but I'll post a few that I think have worked for me at various points in my weight-loss history.

1. Exercise in the morning.
-Jump starts the metabolism in the morning. I once lost more than five pounds in a month or so without realizing it in high school just from a brisk fifteen minute walk in the morning to class.
2. Eat filling breakfasts
-seems like a lot of food is always a bad idea, but if you can get some whole grain toast, a couple egg whites, and a slice of cheese in the morning before you get going, your body appreciates it and you might not even be hungry by lunch, and it's also good for the metabolism. Breakfast in the morning keeps calories lower all day.
3. If you crave sweets, eat them in the morning.
-in moderation of course. You'll burn them off during the day, and personally if you're like me sweets are least appealing in the morning.
4. Do little exercises under the desk at work or school
-like lift your legs to work your thighs and lower abs, clench your butt a few times. I have a stress ball I put between my knees when I'm bored sometimes. It's like a tiny portable thigh-master. lol. It doesn't always feel like it's doing much, but any calories burned do not represent a wasted effort.
5. Read.
-Watching TV or going online leaves room for your mind to wander. Reading a book is different, at least to me, because I get into the book and breaking my train of thought for a sandwich (or an evil peanut butter chocolate chip oatmeal cookie...or six) is less desirable than ever.
6. Snacking.
-Better than meals. You never have that disgusting full feeling and you don't get hungry either. Calorie counts stay low. It's hard to avoid meals, but people will question you less if you've always got something small on you and they see you eat. I think that may be the secret of all the skinny people you know that constantly seem to be eating.
7. Don't be afraid of fat content
-This is an important one I've been meaning to stress for awhile. Fat and fiber both play a role in cleansing your body and running the metabolism. Things don't work right if you're lacking one of natures most important lubricants. You'll find if you're constipated, like a lot of Anas and dieters get, adding some more fat to your diet will help spur weight loss like you didn't expect was possible simply because your body isn't holding on to all the fat it takes in, it can use up what it has.
...plus it will lift your mood considerably, fairly quickly.

K, girls! Stay strong!

Fat Porn, Star Trek, Calories and Caffeine

My boyfriend downloaded some fat porn.
Kind of an oddity thing. Curiosity. Novelty.
We watched it while we were eating.

...

Girls, there is no better anti-thinspo. Usually that stuff just doesn't work on me, but to see that in action.....a 250lb woman, flapping sloppily on top of some creepy looking dude... The sound effects, the multiple areas of folds and jiggles slapping against one another. Even her face was jiggling. Tits down to her naval, or where it would have been were it not a mile beneath a flap of lard.

I felt sick.

He kept eating, he's got a hell of a strong stomach for disturbing things like that. I can't even comprehend it.

If you're the type of girl who can't help but finish a meal...one minute of watching a film like this and having such an image burned into your head will cure that ailment. I know I'm not that fat, I know I'll probably never be that fat...but at the same time, to think that any part of me jiggles like she does....is revolting.

Had to turn that movie off, of course. Went back to watching Star Trek with my nerdy boyfriend.

By the way : Perfect thinspo :



....

Been thinking about the whole bitchy email situation. I know I said I wouldn't mention it, but I'm feeling better now. I now see that for what it was...a bitchy email... It all happened so quickly, too, though I don't know where things are going on the forum. I don't honestly care to.

I was also severely lacking in sleep, so I was a bit on edge. I over-reacted.

I'm feeling very peaceful right now, though. Looking forward to a nice long nights sleep tonight, no class until the afternoon tomorrow.

It occurred to me that she might have called me "racist" because she might think I'm Hispanic because I go by "Ana Hambre" ...... Let's not even get into the implications of that. Pero yo creo que nos podemos comprendarlo.

....

Anyways, I haven't been doing well calorie-wise, though I haven't eaten a thing since I watched that terrible video... I ate an absolute ton this morning thinking it would keep me from eating later. It's supposedly healthier to make breakfast your largest meal of the day. I think I need to get the amount right......It was a lot.

Plus I had caffeine today. I wasn't thinking clearly, generally I avoid it. But I had a caffeine pill (100mg caffeine) and then a Rockstar energy drink a couple hours later (180mg). It didn't make me hyper like I'd have wanted. It didn't even make me feel alert. I was so stuffed with food, and then with a calorie-ridden energy drink, all I did was shake and feel ill. I was actually kind of scared of it all. I hate caffeine. I was hoping to speed up my metabolism to help get that junk out of me, but I ended up thoroughly unhappy this evening.

I do have caffeine on occasion. I took it when I was zoned out and going to see old friends, things worked out okay. and I'll usually have an energy drink before an exam I fear I might not be clear enough for. To keep me from zoning out. But I've learned 280 mg is far too much for me to handle. That sick feeling lasted for hours, even now I feel dizzy-ish standing up. I can only think it would be the caffeine.

On the bright side, I stepped on the scale the other day and I'm the lowest I've been...ever! At least at my adult height...I recorded it on weight chart so I hope it lasts. :-) I think I might be a tad dehydrated, though. So I must start guzzling water soon. lol. I think it's safe to blame the caffeine for that.

K. Off to tend to my health and comment on your blogs :)

Today

Today I think I'm doing pretty well
I got confused though. You see, I was snacking at my boyfriends...again...when suddenly my stomach felt nasty and I thought it might go away, but it didn't. I ended up running to the bathroom and throwing up.

I felt much better afterwards, but I wondered how much of the snacks had come up. Reading mia blogs, it seems like the snacking wouldn't count. But I counted it anyway. I'm not bulimic...

It's my time of month now, and my stomach is always fussy around this time, but it's been a long time since I've thrown up. Maybe this will encourage me to eat a little less if I don't want to end up puking in my boyfriend's toilet. He accused me of doing it on purpose - I laughed that off, but I probably should have slapped him.

Oh, another boyfriend story. We were talking and he said something about moving in together one day. I asked him if he would think I was perfect by then...he said..."mu."

Apparently "mu" is some ancient Chinese or Japanese answer to a riddle that essentially means that the question can't be answered because it assumes something untrue.

I just accused him of calling me a cow.
Just to mess with him.

The thing is though, as much as he'd like me to think the assumption that he doesn't think I'm perfect is untrue - it's quite true. He doesn't think I'm perfect. He won't even tell me what he thinks is perfect. Probably because it's so far from what I am. Huge titted, fourteen, and and twenty pounds lighter than me.

Something I noticed today, though - I've got some impressive collar bones. I'm not particularly skinny, but I've got the kind of collar bones that you can see where they end in the shoulders, do you know what I mean?



I've got that little bump over there. Perhaps not quite as pronounced as hers.

In any case, I like it. Made me worry for a bit that perhaps my chest will get skinny long before my thick legs will, though. and I'll be a skeleton on top and still have a fat ass. Of course, my thick legs are part of the reason I've always looked thinner than I am. People guess my weight 10 lbs lighter because of all the fat hiding in my legs.

...

I've been a real bum lately. I get it from my parents. I don't think my dad's been to the IRS office to print out old taxes yet. He's impossible and an ass.

I said I'd make a 50 question survey workout.

The fifty questions were easy, the workout part? I can't seem to do, that's the harder half of it. It's started and in a draft.
I also waited to the latter part of the day to post, and my traffic is down.
I like attention.
So I need to pay attention.
Anyone else addicted to analytics.google.com ?

I really would like to grow my site, I see I now have 21 followers :D that's quite exciting

Welcome girls!

Okay. I'm going to have a fiber one bar and catch up on some blogs before bed.

Things

There are a couple things I need to overcome if I want to get past this horrible plateau I've been on.

The biggest problem is how much I eat when I'm with my boyfriend.

It averages to about 800 calories in the six hours we're together.

I can't help it. I know that's a lame thing to say, I'm trying. Sometimes I make him buy apples, they're a safe food.

Any tips? He's not the richest guy in town, and he's primary food intake consists of chocolate and white grains. Why he looks so good??? Ugh, because he's a man. Stupid amazing male metabolism. lol

You know what our normal dinners together are?

Chicken nuggets and ranch dressing.

-_- so good, yet so evil

500 calories of evil

with some sort of snack food accompaniment.

I guess the easiest thing to do would be to stop coming to him hungry. I start out the day so nice, though. I hate to spoil it.

Help?

Anyways.... I'm going to go ahead and mention that one of the blogs I subscribe to, Quest for Perfection, by the lovely Kat ~ has now opened an amazing (and I mean amazing) website chock full of information and thinspiration, as well as forums and room for a lot of interactiveness.

ProAnaQuest

So if you haven't already, check it out. It's gorgeous.

I'll end the post with some thinspo.

[image]


^ I want to look like that wearing something like that. You know, except without the crazy emo hair and bug-eye glasses. lol - just not my thing.

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