Found a cool picture...and update

Found this pic scanning through Xanga sites

It just made me stop and look at it, because I've felt that exact same way before. Looking at myself in the mirror... grabbing a handful of fat and just thinking about how nice it would be if I could just cut it off. Not literally... but you know.

It just struck a chord with me.

Anyways, my school concerns are just about over. Not completely, though. I'm still extremely concerned for my TAP award. At least everything is in. The exams are over. There's nothing left to do now but wait and see how I did.

Which means I should be able to return to my blogging, like a good girl.

Admittedly, I'm reluctant. I shouldn't be, but I'm ashamed of the way I've been eating. I hit my goal weight at some point. I've gained a couple pounds since then. Not a lot...but enough that I know what a fat failure I've been.

Every time I screw up I tell myself that it's just a break to get my metabolism going strong. I guess it works...but I always overshoot. You know what I mean? I know it's healthy to try to eat normal every once and a while, but...I eat the wrong things. I go for pure crap. Chocolate, fried foods, microwave breakfast sandwiches. I guess I could blame it on PMS, but it feels like just another excuse.

I usually lose weight in the summer, though. Warm weather is here, and my beau and I will probably be walking places more, and I'll have more incentive to not curl up under three warm blankets when I should be exercising, in the time I have alone.

I've noticed that when my mother upsets me...it makes me not want to eat. I would hate to say she has any kind of control over me, but it makes me wonder. I really. Really. Hate my mother today.

My dad gave me $20 to get her a gift.

I really have nothing to say to that...I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know... I want to get her a card that just says "FUCK YOU BITCH" but the last thing I want to do is give her one more reason to think my life revolves around making her miserable. It's really the other way around... She's a horrible person.

Ever had anyone laugh at you when you were upset? She does that...ALL the time. She laughs at all of my feelings. I get more upset, she gets colder. She tells me I'm worthless. Lazy. She called me an idiot today. I wish I could explain the reason for the fight, but it's disgusting to me, and i don't want to talk about it.



Here's a piece of thinspo I found online today. I rarely find a piece that really speaks to me, but for some reason - this picture motivates me.

Oh, and I drank a 2 liter of diet pepsi. lol - I don't know whether to be proud or not.

I really want to thank the girls who commented on my last blog. Things are still chaotic. I have one paper and the make-up test out of the way. Neither of them are worth being particularly confident about.

This week has been chaotic. My mother is worse than usual. My dad said...he wants to talk about her...which can't be good. I don't know what it means, I'm hoping that conversation will just slip through the cracks of the everyday.

My mother is INSANE though. She does things just to upset me. That's not kidding. She's emotionally sadistic. She does and says things to make me cry, then responds to everything I say with this ridiculously condescending, cold, arrogant tone. The kind of tone that's so uncaring and full of shit that makes you want to punch someone in the face. Do you know what I mean? I can't really get into detail...

I went out with my beau, today, though. He's my escape. Even though we had a big fight just yesterday. Something he said about my paper, which was mean. I'm never letting him read a paper for my philosophy class again. My paper WAS kind of lame, but he made me feel more like an idiot than an underachiever. So I reacted a little...tugged a news paper away from him. That got HIM in a huff. So we went to the bus together..and we sat down.

He says: "Why are you sitting next to me?"

That was REALLY cold and mean. So I went to the back and cried the entire ride. When it came time to get off the bus, I was a wreck. I wanted to go home, but I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to go with him, either, but I did anyways. We made up. He says he didn't mean it like that. I felt so abused, though. I wasn't even really upset about the paper, but the thing on the bus was just so wrong. He got nicer later...not really nice, he was still arguing with me. He just doesn't know when to let something go. He's oblivious. So the last couple days, I've just been sobbing and upset between my mother and my father and my beau.

It's probably my own fault that that's all I have.

If I had friends that took up some of my time, I think my beau would appreciate me more. But I really can't have friends. I can't handle social responsibility. Besides, I have no mode of transportation except my mother and I get lost taking the bus without my beau. So, I really couldn't have friends anyway.

Today would have been a really nice day calorie wise...but I ate a cookie. A GIANT cookie. A huge square piece of one of those cookie-brownie monsters, you know what I mean? I counted it as like a thousand calories. I'm hoping it's a big overestimation, because I didn't eat the whole thing. That was really weak. What's more, it was my idea. That was REALLY weak. -_- I'm quite disappointed in myself. It made me sick to my stomach. Which just means I won't eat anything else today, which is good.

Someone gave me a tomato today. Was pretty random. But I my beau and I ate it raw, like an apple, but sloppier. and it was really refreshing and yummy. slurp slurp. a tomato is apparently like 25 calories, too. I recommend. I don't recommend the delicious giant cookie-brownie evil thing.

Anyways, to top of this awful week, I have to do a paper that was due last week by Monday, and I'm sick, and probably getting my beau sick. Because I need to be touching him, constantly. If he's in the room, I have to be touching him, or my head will explode. I hate being sick. I guess that's normal. It started off as a sore throat, and evolved into stuffy sinuses and a runny nose, exacerbated by crying.

Except for the cookie incident, my eating is back to normal. It must have been PMS. That's something. Only one more paper left. I need the tax information by May 1st that's a financial aid deadline in NY for TAP. I don't have high hopes. :( I think it can be filed late, but everything is late ENOUGH. My dad is so worthless...my mother is so sadistic.

My boyfriend and my ED are all I have that I can count on. You wouldn't believe how frightening the thought of losing him is. He knows it, too, but I wish he could appreciate me HALF as much as I appreciate him. I REALLY feel like that isn't the case most of the time.

Wow. I'm...upset

So... I posted a post at a forum.

Never you mind which one.

I posted something a friend of mine had posted in her xanga blog.

Never you mind which friend.

But it was an article about masturbation written by the Mormon church. I thought it was amusing, mostly because they actually kind of sounded like Ana tips. I made the connection that it's probably about as hard for a young man to stop masturbating as it is to stop eating.

Clearly I should have adjusted for audience, I understand. I wasn't too upset when the post got deleted. I have a group of friends that understand a coarse sense of humor.

Except the the admin...never you mind who that might be...insulted me in incredibly unprofessional ways. unbelievably so.

Now, the private messages weren't so bad. I can understand, I can be civil. but without my saying anything else to her, she emails me this:

"I was very surprised that on [...] you posted about your problems on this
site under a different name. I think that if you have a problem on one site
you will try to resolve it with the Administrators. Your post did show
complete hatred of a major religion in the worst way. It shows racism at
its lowest form. It also show an intolerance towards Ed's and a complete
disregard of decency.
In following your blog trail you also used photos that were taken from
personal thinspo areas of other sites. I think all the girls on [...] would
be interested in knowing that you do not have any regard for privacy or
morality in further spreading personal photos.
Therefore you are denied access to the personal photos on [...]."

Okay. So...RACISM?! How is that RACIST?!
You have to understand, I've had virtually NO interaction with this person. But I responded with ...many less-than-lady-like words. I was pretty much aiming to tear her a new one. I also asked to be banned. I suppose I didn't have to. Fact is, none of those seriously offensive insults make any sense. Racism. Go to hell. I'm not a racist, and hell, I like Mormons too (who you may already know are *not* a race). But apparently I can't find a document about the evils of masturbation the slightest bit humorous without being....RACIST???? and there was not "complete hatred of a major religion in the worst way." I just made fun of the page a little.
And HOW exactly is that showing intolerance towards EDs????! Ugh.

I've...never been so offended in my life. I had enough decency to let my post be taken down gracefully, I only mentioned my predicament on another site briefly in a topic ABOUT the other site. But she sends me that...ridiculously offensive email.

So... that's one forum I'll never return to again.

Forgive the rant, it's just so ridiculous.

Now I somewhat understand the part about the pictures. I'm not saying she's right. CERTAINLY not. If you've been to one blog, you've been to them all in many cases - thinspo pics are ridiculously reused and common. Seriously. I've been all over the internet in the proana realm and there are dozens of sites using the same images I am. She's got NO business threatening my blog. Ugh. And I NEVER got thinspo images from a girl's personal site or blog. I got them from people just plain posting thinspo. That's all.

In the interest of humoring google, however, if she's going to try reporting me (I don't think it's below her), I'm going to replace those images with [image] for now.

Forgive the low talk about this person if you know who I'm talking about, forgive the strong feelings - I'm just incredibly offended and this was all over something as trivial as an article about masturbation. The words "lol" "mormon" and "masturbation" in the same area code apparently make for racism. Hm. Interesting Recipe. If I hadn't used the word "Mormon" it would probably have stayed up.

The linked article in question
^TRY to tell me some of those tips don't translate to Ana.

I'm so...so very angry. I can't show you what I wrote to show you how incredibly overblown this situation is because it was taken down. But if you've gotten any idea of the kind of person I am through this blog, you know I'm not the type who goes around spewing remarks around about people's spirituality ...or race for that matter. (seriously, wtf?).

...I need a hug. And someone tell me I'm right, please.

I'll get to commenting on your blogs after I get some sleep and calm down. If she reads this, and she certainly will, I'm asking her to stop. I'll have no desire to mention her again unless she does something else as momentously upsetting as what I've been left to rant about.

Though I visited the site in question one last time to find she's already begun to drag my name through the mud.

SOMEONE. I don't even know. Ugh. I'm so pissed I don't even have words anymore. I'm actually worried this is going to turn into harassment.