Societal expectations of beauty are BullShit.

Apparently the perfect BMI is 20.85

I feel like I may have blogged this before. At the time I learned this, I was significantly heavier than I am now, and I was stunned. Offended even, that this was considered worthy of the title "Okay girls, relax, 20.85 is now the perfect body!" Goddamnit, no! I had to work for that bmi, and after that I'm down to a bmi of 20 that number still strikes me as bullshit. 20.85? I'm know my boyfriend is attracted to women thinner than I am. I have no doubt. He's not atypical either. Maybe other men are better at hiding it, but girls, we know who we see men looking at.

There's another standard out there that's quite popular. It's 36-24-36 measurements.
Those measurements don't go with that bmi.
Actually, Sir Mix-a-Lot Probably said it best. "36-24-36? Ha ha, only if she's 5'3"

That's probably about how tall you'd have to be to have those measurements and that bmi.

Do any of us want..."back?"

No. No we do not.

I certainly wouldn't mind a 24 inch waist. Mine was 25.5 this morning, and my weight was 126 - which would be my thinnest, but I don't necessarily trust the scale.

The point I'm trying to get at is that it's unrealistic to set out standards on what society gives us to go by. That's what most people seem to think anorexics are going by. That society is giving us "unrealistic expectations" of beauty and that we're trying to live up to them, but in reality we're probably the only ones who aren't listening to those societal expectations.

Because they don't make sense.

So we do with our bodies what we think is beautiful, for whatever beautiful reasons they might be. Like a ... "fuck you" to those very same societal expectations. We're too smart to be convinced that what's normal is what's beautiful. We just sort of...opt out of playing the same failure game that everyone else plays.

It seems like the delusional game the rest of the world is playing [about getting a 24 inch waist the healthy way] is just as crazy as starving yourself. More so. Restricting will get you there. 1800+ calories a day won't. It might make you *muscular* if you're working out.

God, people are just so full of contradictions.

They say 'be healthy.'

If they say it to a fat person they're saying 'lose weight'

If they're saying it to a "healthy" person, they mean 'don't get thinner than me'

and if they're saying it to a thin person, they mean 'get fat so I can be thinner than you'

Fuck that nonsense.

I know what I want.

~

So that was the rant I had waiting in my reserves. What do you think?

I want to direct you guys to a great website I stumbled upon yesterday. PrettyThin
It's like a proana myspace and it has heaps of users. I can't believe I didn't know about it O_O

Thinspo post...

I'm just going to post thinspo. I've been meaning to do this for a while.




















This one is from the facebook group "I want to be a thinspo!" Just saying because it really stuck out to me.



I looove legs like that.



This one might not be completely new, but it's always been one of my favorites. I just don't like the whole scene girl look thing... but her thighs are amazing.









She looks like a doll...






I Want That Skirt!!! <3 So pretty.









Her legs, please.

...but I love LiLo

This weekend has been stuffed full of walking, and enough food for a normal healthy human being. I guess that's nothing to be ashamed of. I've at least been distracted from my failures. The only *really* awful thing I've eaten this weekend is a large strawberry triple thick milkshake from McDonald's. I drank most of it. There was a little help from my boyfriend. And eventually I just couldn't stomach the stuff. Yeah, I stuffed myself sick with all the wrong food. I won't get too far into the failure of that evening.

I've decided most of my poor choices are absent minded. I get myself food - and I eat until it's gone. I always have to finish what I start. It's...a poor choice.

Had a couple more unhappy moments with my boyfriend this weekend. He said something along the lines of having considered breaking up with me because he makes me miserable. I guess it could be interpreted that way. I wouldn't be able to function without him, though. But basically he was staring at this chicks boobs... yeah, that's how it goes. I caught him, he got mad, I started putting myself down. Every time I feel like I'm not perfect to him, I want to die. It sounds dramatic. It always passes. It's awful, though. I'm not even sure what happened. Sometime today he got all sweet again and said he'd never leave me.

I don't want him to leave me.

I don't even know what's going on.

Oh...and apparently I'm not getting financial aid.. I don't even want to think about that right now. It's totally out of the blue and if I can't appeal I'm getting a job. I guess I should get a job anyway. Thankfully I go to a relatively cheap school, though tuition is rising. :[

Anyways, I'm posting some thinspo because I feel like my posts have been weak lately.








Lohan looks amazing in those pics, doesn't she?? I *love* that girl.

Unattainable Grace.

The fail is that I ate like a professional football player Saturday. I'd had a fight with my boyfriend the day before, and it's right around pms time so I... yeah, I tried to keep count but I think it was around 2500 calories. I ate so much my stomach ached. I couldn't stop myself. It was... a weird experience. Never has self control been so...difficult. I wanted to stop, but it was like I had to taste everything in the kitchen.

I failed yesterday, too - but it was weird. I ate about half a bag of tostidos and a bunch of m&ms with my boyfriend. This mindless, almost tasteless intake of food.

I'm less upset about yesterday because I had an argument with my dad. Which...completely made me laugh, because he told me I couldn't get a ride to my boyfriend's apartment, or from. Said I could take the bus. Being Sunday, the bus schedule sucks - however, it was a pleasant day and I coordinated with my boyfriend to meet at a corner that's probably about the same distance from my house and his mother's house, so we walked together. Then later at night, I sent my parents texts asking for a ride. Buses don't go by his house past six pm.

Nothin'

So, basically I spent the night at my boyfriend's apartment ... as punishment.
That's pretty amusing, isn't it?

I've complained before about my parents trying to control my spending the night with my boyfriend; I'm 20 and in a long term committed relationship...but when it's used as a threat? lol, it was a win-win scenerio. If they gave me a ride, I'd win. If they don't? Then I spend all night snuggling with more pleasant company.

My boyfriend was also very sweet today, called himself a bad boyfriend. We talked a little, and I'm feeling much better now. Hm... Oh, I never mentioned we had a fight.

There's a girl at this nerd meet-up thing.

The TINIEST woman I've ever seen in my life. I mentioned the asian girl, right? Yes.

Yeah, I went with him Friday.

She was...gorgeous, and so fucking tiny. She was short, but skinny. Super skinny. She was dressed in baggy clothes, but I damn near dropped dead when I saw her get out of her car. She must be 70lbs..Hell, given how short she was, maybe less. I was so discouraged I cried about it later. I didn't even start the fight with him, though, after I asked if we could leave. I was... unresponsive. He got frustrated. I was probably talking about how tiny she was a lot, and he told me to stop. We got some chinese food. Chicken and broccoli shouldn't be that greasy...but I ate all of it. God, I've probably been on a binge since Friday night.

Things are calming down. Usually a thin woman is thinspo. and it's true, while I was at that nerd meet-up I didn't eat a damn thing. The moment I left though... Well, I had reeses cups in my purse.

I managed to give some to my boyfriend, and I only had five with me. It started slow. I might have had two.
but yeah..it peaked Saturday.

She was sooo discouraging. I KNEW that I could never be as pretty as her. I knew my boyfriend would be seeing her every Friday night. I know he thinks she's pretty. and I KNOW that I would die long before I ever got to looking like her. It's Just. Not. Fair. I started to think about how ceasing to exist wouldn't be so bad. She put my mind in the absolutely worst place. You know what her name was? Grace. Unattainable Grace. She had such tiny fingers too, picking apart that scone. Scones are tastey, but they're not safe. She ate it like she had no appetite, like it was just food, and didn't matter at all.

The best I can do is going without.
but if I get it...
I inhale it. I lust for it.

It just wasn't fair. I wanted to die. I really wanted to die.

.............

Anyways, I keep daydreaming about two things...moving in with my boyfriend, and an elliptical. Hmm.. Both are probably easily attainable, but getting a job and moving scare me.

Okay, to make this entry worthwhile, I'll post a little elliptical thinspo.

Sorry if the entry has been scattered.



Oh, PS: My thinspo video has 102 views ^_^ That's some win in an ocean of fail.

A few things.

I actually didn't eat an obscene amount today. I'm reluctant to say that though, because I tend to falter when I think I'm doing most well. Getting back to you girls makes me feel a lot better. I like being done with school; apart from the obvious reasons, I'm feeling free and motivated again. I feel like I'm going to lose weight again. Good. I want to have a bmi under twenty. That's my next goal, after I hit under 130 on the scale I mean.

I love my ana blog. It gives me structure, something I've always lacked in my life. Yes, I have a tendency to shirk responsibility like one would avoid the plague, but it makes me productive. I know what you're thinking...I should get a job. I keep thinking that more and more lately, too. My boyfriend wants to move out of his current apartment, but it's all he can afford right now. Granted, his female roommate is excellent thinspo, but you can see why I don't protest. All they share is the kitchen, but the girl eats...believe it or not.

I realized one of the reasons I love reading your blogs is because it makes me feel like I'm behind the scenes. It makes me feel like a human, relating to other humans. It sounds fairly obvious, but it's an odd, warming feeling to me. Humanity.

I tend to have this mindset, this cynical mindset that makes me feel like no one wants to be my friend. That there's something inherently unwanted about me that makes me unlikable. In fact, even hate-able. Seriously - When I close my eyes when someone walks by me in the hall, I have the sensation like they're going to punch me. Attack me in some way. My boyfriend is the only one that doesn't give me that feeling.

Anyways, I'm sure I'll end up seeing the star trek movie at some point. Which is awesome. My boyfriend's been making me watch the original series. One of you girls mentioned the New Uhura being total thinspo. I forgot who.. you can claim credit in the comments, lol. Anyways, I actually don't like it. That this Uhura is so skinny. I was really happy with the old Uhura being bigger than me. I like that she was a sex symbol for that. Times have changed, but there's such a difference between the two photos below...



It was comforting that she was considered attractive. Does anyone know what I mean? It makes me feel a little superior to a woman widely considered beautiful. I have nothing on the new Uhura. -_- My nerd boyfriend will leave me. Not really...but you understand the sentiment.

Anyways, I'll leave you with another picture some of you might appreciate, perhaps you've seen it before. I hadn't, but I don't really follow Nicole Richie.



Love it ? Combination Celebrity/Ballet thinspo. lol :)

Love you girls, you're amazing. Stay strong, stay beautiful.

Found a cool picture...and update

Found this pic scanning through Xanga sites

It just made me stop and look at it, because I've felt that exact same way before. Looking at myself in the mirror... grabbing a handful of fat and just thinking about how nice it would be if I could just cut it off. Not literally... but you know.

It just struck a chord with me.

Anyways, my school concerns are just about over. Not completely, though. I'm still extremely concerned for my TAP award. At least everything is in. The exams are over. There's nothing left to do now but wait and see how I did.

Which means I should be able to return to my blogging, like a good girl.

Admittedly, I'm reluctant. I shouldn't be, but I'm ashamed of the way I've been eating. I hit my goal weight at some point. I've gained a couple pounds since then. Not a lot...but enough that I know what a fat failure I've been.

Every time I screw up I tell myself that it's just a break to get my metabolism going strong. I guess it works...but I always overshoot. You know what I mean? I know it's healthy to try to eat normal every once and a while, but...I eat the wrong things. I go for pure crap. Chocolate, fried foods, microwave breakfast sandwiches. I guess I could blame it on PMS, but it feels like just another excuse.

I usually lose weight in the summer, though. Warm weather is here, and my beau and I will probably be walking places more, and I'll have more incentive to not curl up under three warm blankets when I should be exercising, in the time I have alone.

I've noticed that when my mother upsets me...it makes me not want to eat. I would hate to say she has any kind of control over me, but it makes me wonder. I really. Really. Hate my mother today.

My dad gave me $20 to get her a gift.

I really have nothing to say to that...I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know... I want to get her a card that just says "FUCK YOU BITCH" but the last thing I want to do is give her one more reason to think my life revolves around making her miserable. It's really the other way around... She's a horrible person.

Ever had anyone laugh at you when you were upset? She does that...ALL the time. She laughs at all of my feelings. I get more upset, she gets colder. She tells me I'm worthless. Lazy. She called me an idiot today. I wish I could explain the reason for the fight, but it's disgusting to me, and i don't want to talk about it.



Here's a piece of thinspo I found online today. I rarely find a piece that really speaks to me, but for some reason - this picture motivates me.

Oh, and I drank a 2 liter of diet pepsi. lol - I don't know whether to be proud or not.

I really want to thank the girls who commented on my last blog. Things are still chaotic. I have one paper and the make-up test out of the way. Neither of them are worth being particularly confident about.

This week has been chaotic. My mother is worse than usual. My dad said...he wants to talk about her...which can't be good. I don't know what it means, I'm hoping that conversation will just slip through the cracks of the everyday.

My mother is INSANE though. She does things just to upset me. That's not kidding. She's emotionally sadistic. She does and says things to make me cry, then responds to everything I say with this ridiculously condescending, cold, arrogant tone. The kind of tone that's so uncaring and full of shit that makes you want to punch someone in the face. Do you know what I mean? I can't really get into detail...

I went out with my beau, today, though. He's my escape. Even though we had a big fight just yesterday. Something he said about my paper, which was mean. I'm never letting him read a paper for my philosophy class again. My paper WAS kind of lame, but he made me feel more like an idiot than an underachiever. So I reacted a little...tugged a news paper away from him. That got HIM in a huff. So we went to the bus together..and we sat down.

He says: "Why are you sitting next to me?"

That was REALLY cold and mean. So I went to the back and cried the entire ride. When it came time to get off the bus, I was a wreck. I wanted to go home, but I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to go with him, either, but I did anyways. We made up. He says he didn't mean it like that. I felt so abused, though. I wasn't even really upset about the paper, but the thing on the bus was just so wrong. He got nicer later...not really nice, he was still arguing with me. He just doesn't know when to let something go. He's oblivious. So the last couple days, I've just been sobbing and upset between my mother and my father and my beau.

It's probably my own fault that that's all I have.

If I had friends that took up some of my time, I think my beau would appreciate me more. But I really can't have friends. I can't handle social responsibility. Besides, I have no mode of transportation except my mother and I get lost taking the bus without my beau. So, I really couldn't have friends anyway.

Today would have been a really nice day calorie wise...but I ate a cookie. A GIANT cookie. A huge square piece of one of those cookie-brownie monsters, you know what I mean? I counted it as like a thousand calories. I'm hoping it's a big overestimation, because I didn't eat the whole thing. That was really weak. What's more, it was my idea. That was REALLY weak. -_- I'm quite disappointed in myself. It made me sick to my stomach. Which just means I won't eat anything else today, which is good.

Someone gave me a tomato today. Was pretty random. But I my beau and I ate it raw, like an apple, but sloppier. and it was really refreshing and yummy. slurp slurp. a tomato is apparently like 25 calories, too. I recommend. I don't recommend the delicious giant cookie-brownie evil thing.

Anyways, to top of this awful week, I have to do a paper that was due last week by Monday, and I'm sick, and probably getting my beau sick. Because I need to be touching him, constantly. If he's in the room, I have to be touching him, or my head will explode. I hate being sick. I guess that's normal. It started off as a sore throat, and evolved into stuffy sinuses and a runny nose, exacerbated by crying.

Except for the cookie incident, my eating is back to normal. It must have been PMS. That's something. Only one more paper left. I need the tax information by May 1st that's a financial aid deadline in NY for TAP. I don't have high hopes. :( I think it can be filed late, but everything is late ENOUGH. My dad is so worthless...my mother is so sadistic.

My boyfriend and my ED are all I have that I can count on. You wouldn't believe how frightening the thought of losing him is. He knows it, too, but I wish he could appreciate me HALF as much as I appreciate him. I REALLY feel like that isn't the case most of the time.

Get Fit While Blogging, twitter, etcetera

This is something I came across a while back through my boyfriend, who blogs a lot, that I think is really interesting.

Do these exercises throughout the day to avoid blogger booty! You’ll feel better which could help you blog better.

Some of the tips seem somewhat impractical. A little too distracting to do while blogging, but others seem interesting. I often push myself out to the edge of my seat when I'm in class and alternate lifting legs, things like that. I don't do much while blogging, though. I should, my current habit is to sit on my ass for an hour or two writing my blog and then commenting on your blogs.

Anyways, yeah, I'm an internet addict. But there are worse internet addictions.

Speaking of internet addictions, who here besides Savory Sweet and I have discovered twitter? I've got a widget thing on the side of my screen. I don't entirely know what to do with it. I use it to say random things, like most people do.

This girl is someone worth following, though.

http://twitter.com/Thinspo101

She found a really decent purpose for her twitter account. :D posts links to excellent thinspo pics.

Anyways, I got a really good workout last night. I feel like I could have done more, but I exercise late late at night. I started with some pacing, and weird spazzy dancing for my dog. lol. She got annoyed with me and left the room. Which is just as well because she gets weirded out when I do sit ups and stretching. Things like that. I did some crunches, some squats, some light weights...I can't remember everything. I don't really have a routine anymore, I just do whatever. I jogged in place...just twenty minutes but I did a LOT of walking.

...

My boyfriend is out of state. He's in PA until monday. I didn't want him to go, but he went anyway. :( He went to go help his friend move. Which is weird if you ask me. Is it normal to ask someone to travel 150 miles to help you move?? I mean, at least she's moving here, but it seems like things would be so much simpler if he just had to help her move in and not out. Does she have no friends?

I know what you're thinking. I trust him. I don't like it, but I trust him. She's also enlisted the help of another chick friend who I think talks to my boyfriend too much and her own parents. ...I don't like it.

On the bright side....they're all fat. I'm the skinniest one in his social circle, except for his ex girlfriend, who's not all that pretty. She's also very christian, and has three children and a husband who's very close to my boyfriend.

I know I sound like a bitch...but these are the sort of things that keep me sane. He has too many chick friends.

Though, I can't rationalize that I threatened not to eat anything while he's away. I only said that to worry him. :( I'm not going to do that... I do plan on eating less, though. It's just expected. I eat so much just because I'm with him.

YouTube!

I'm sure most of you have discovered youtube as a form of thinspiration, but has anyone discovered it's worth as exercise videos? There's a ton of amateurs on YouTube, and those videos are really helpful.

This one's a joke, but it's super cute.



lol ^_^ Combination thinspo workout.

K, now that you're all warmed up, care to do a lower ab workout?



I love youtube. It's like having your very own personal trainer. Just type in the part of your body you want to exercise and add "workout."

...

So yeah, that's awesome.

I was in CVS with my boyfriend and checked out the store brand metamucil. Almost bought it...but didn't. My beau knew what I wanted it for so he grabbed it out of my hands and put it back on the shelf. I laughed at him. He's funny when he's trying to be stern <3

Maybe tomorrow.

Night :)

No Diet Pills for Me, Thanks

Hey girls :)

I was on reddit and came across and article titled: "Why spend money on expensive diet drugs when this will fill you up and keep you from eating just as effectively? "

Personally, I'm terrified of diet pills. I mentioned in a previous entry that I have an aversion to caffeine. It doesn't sit well with me. It makes my heart race and I actually get scared for my well-being. The main purpose of caffeine in diet pills is that it speeds up the metabolism, helps compensate for the energy you're not getting from food, and acts as a diuretic. That's all well and good, but I think that things that speed up your metabolism just make you hungrier and I don't want to lose water-weight, I want to lose real weight.

Anyways, getting to the point



The article suggests "chugging Metamucil" [ link ]

"One little-known secret to weight loss, which is rarely discussed on the Internet, has to do with chugging Metamucil, and in particular, sugar-free Metamucil. Metamucil is nothing more than non-soluble fiber. It will fill you up but provide little actual nutrition. What's more, the sugar-free variety has only 5 calories per serving, yet makes you feel as if you just ate a whole meal!"

...


"It is not necessary to purchase name-brand Metamucil. The store brand or off-brand works just as well, and are the exact same quality on a general basis. However, the "clear" versions, such as Benefiber, are not effective for the diet since it does not bulk up."

I haven't tried this, but I'm definitely intrigued.

I may have to get some from the campus store this week!

...

I feel a bit guilty not having written yesterday. I was so distracted by adult swim games.
I may have to post a list of games ... you know ... as a distraction to food...not...an...addiction or anything >_>

...

lol, k :)

Blogging and tips :o)

I've been thinking about my blog lately and the direction it's taking. I intended on finding things like statistics, trends, media, tips, resources, and posting every few days. I didn't intend to really have a blog that got very personal and talked about my own food intake and personal problems, at least not too much. I have a hard time staying on task, though.
I need to keep myself focused. The fact that it makes me stay on task is one of the reasons my blog is helping me. I'm not the type who benefits purely from support, I think I thrive on supporting others, especially since I'm not that good at expressing myself without sounding...awkward. That really turns people away.
Anyways, basically I'm saying I don't want to just post fluff when I just don't feel like trying, and though in review none of my entries are that bad, I just need to remind myself that people don't care about the cookies my mother made and how ridiculous the growth in my thighs was overnight. At least not without some sort of substantial context in which to frame it.



Anyways, now to some tips! :-)

"Stina" wrote:

"This post is inviting you to join in on TIP-SHARE 2009! Basically, I'm tired of reading tips or "tricks" on websites and in magazines and having no idea if they actually work. I want you to tell me tips that you actually use to lose weight, curb hunger, fast, avoid binging, stay motivated, and so on! You can post your tips in your blog so that everyone can read them."

I don't know if I have many original ideas, but I'll post a few that I think have worked for me at various points in my weight-loss history.

1. Exercise in the morning.
-Jump starts the metabolism in the morning. I once lost more than five pounds in a month or so without realizing it in high school just from a brisk fifteen minute walk in the morning to class.
2. Eat filling breakfasts
-seems like a lot of food is always a bad idea, but if you can get some whole grain toast, a couple egg whites, and a slice of cheese in the morning before you get going, your body appreciates it and you might not even be hungry by lunch, and it's also good for the metabolism. Breakfast in the morning keeps calories lower all day.
3. If you crave sweets, eat them in the morning.
-in moderation of course. You'll burn them off during the day, and personally if you're like me sweets are least appealing in the morning.
4. Do little exercises under the desk at work or school
-like lift your legs to work your thighs and lower abs, clench your butt a few times. I have a stress ball I put between my knees when I'm bored sometimes. It's like a tiny portable thigh-master. lol. It doesn't always feel like it's doing much, but any calories burned do not represent a wasted effort.
5. Read.
-Watching TV or going online leaves room for your mind to wander. Reading a book is different, at least to me, because I get into the book and breaking my train of thought for a sandwich (or an evil peanut butter chocolate chip oatmeal cookie...or six) is less desirable than ever.
6. Snacking.
-Better than meals. You never have that disgusting full feeling and you don't get hungry either. Calorie counts stay low. It's hard to avoid meals, but people will question you less if you've always got something small on you and they see you eat. I think that may be the secret of all the skinny people you know that constantly seem to be eating.
7. Don't be afraid of fat content
-This is an important one I've been meaning to stress for awhile. Fat and fiber both play a role in cleansing your body and running the metabolism. Things don't work right if you're lacking one of natures most important lubricants. You'll find if you're constipated, like a lot of Anas and dieters get, adding some more fat to your diet will help spur weight loss like you didn't expect was possible simply because your body isn't holding on to all the fat it takes in, it can use up what it has.
...plus it will lift your mood considerably, fairly quickly.

K, girls! Stay strong!

Fat Porn, Star Trek, Calories and Caffeine

My boyfriend downloaded some fat porn.
Kind of an oddity thing. Curiosity. Novelty.
We watched it while we were eating.

...

Girls, there is no better anti-thinspo. Usually that stuff just doesn't work on me, but to see that in action.....a 250lb woman, flapping sloppily on top of some creepy looking dude... The sound effects, the multiple areas of folds and jiggles slapping against one another. Even her face was jiggling. Tits down to her naval, or where it would have been were it not a mile beneath a flap of lard.

I felt sick.

He kept eating, he's got a hell of a strong stomach for disturbing things like that. I can't even comprehend it.

If you're the type of girl who can't help but finish a meal...one minute of watching a film like this and having such an image burned into your head will cure that ailment. I know I'm not that fat, I know I'll probably never be that fat...but at the same time, to think that any part of me jiggles like she does....is revolting.

Had to turn that movie off, of course. Went back to watching Star Trek with my nerdy boyfriend.

By the way : Perfect thinspo :



....

Been thinking about the whole bitchy email situation. I know I said I wouldn't mention it, but I'm feeling better now. I now see that for what it was...a bitchy email... It all happened so quickly, too, though I don't know where things are going on the forum. I don't honestly care to.

I was also severely lacking in sleep, so I was a bit on edge. I over-reacted.

I'm feeling very peaceful right now, though. Looking forward to a nice long nights sleep tonight, no class until the afternoon tomorrow.

It occurred to me that she might have called me "racist" because she might think I'm Hispanic because I go by "Ana Hambre" ...... Let's not even get into the implications of that. Pero yo creo que nos podemos comprendarlo.

....

Anyways, I haven't been doing well calorie-wise, though I haven't eaten a thing since I watched that terrible video... I ate an absolute ton this morning thinking it would keep me from eating later. It's supposedly healthier to make breakfast your largest meal of the day. I think I need to get the amount right......It was a lot.

Plus I had caffeine today. I wasn't thinking clearly, generally I avoid it. But I had a caffeine pill (100mg caffeine) and then a Rockstar energy drink a couple hours later (180mg). It didn't make me hyper like I'd have wanted. It didn't even make me feel alert. I was so stuffed with food, and then with a calorie-ridden energy drink, all I did was shake and feel ill. I was actually kind of scared of it all. I hate caffeine. I was hoping to speed up my metabolism to help get that junk out of me, but I ended up thoroughly unhappy this evening.

I do have caffeine on occasion. I took it when I was zoned out and going to see old friends, things worked out okay. and I'll usually have an energy drink before an exam I fear I might not be clear enough for. To keep me from zoning out. But I've learned 280 mg is far too much for me to handle. That sick feeling lasted for hours, even now I feel dizzy-ish standing up. I can only think it would be the caffeine.

On the bright side, I stepped on the scale the other day and I'm the lowest I've been...ever! At least at my adult height...I recorded it on weight chart so I hope it lasts. :-) I think I might be a tad dehydrated, though. So I must start guzzling water soon. lol. I think it's safe to blame the caffeine for that.

K. Off to tend to my health and comment on your blogs :)

Wow. I'm...upset

So... I posted a post at a forum.

Never you mind which one.

I posted something a friend of mine had posted in her xanga blog.

Never you mind which friend.

But it was an article about masturbation written by the Mormon church. I thought it was amusing, mostly because they actually kind of sounded like Ana tips. I made the connection that it's probably about as hard for a young man to stop masturbating as it is to stop eating.

Clearly I should have adjusted for audience, I understand. I wasn't too upset when the post got deleted. I have a group of friends that understand a coarse sense of humor.

Except the the admin...never you mind who that might be...insulted me in incredibly unprofessional ways. unbelievably so.

Now, the private messages weren't so bad. I can understand, I can be civil. but without my saying anything else to her, she emails me this:

"I was very surprised that on [...] you posted about your problems on this
site under a different name. I think that if you have a problem on one site
you will try to resolve it with the Administrators. Your post did show
complete hatred of a major religion in the worst way. It shows racism at
its lowest form. It also show an intolerance towards Ed's and a complete
disregard of decency.
In following your blog trail you also used photos that were taken from
personal thinspo areas of other sites. I think all the girls on [...] would
be interested in knowing that you do not have any regard for privacy or
morality in further spreading personal photos.
Therefore you are denied access to the personal photos on [...]."

Okay. So...RACISM?! How is that RACIST?!
You have to understand, I've had virtually NO interaction with this person. But I responded with ...many less-than-lady-like words. I was pretty much aiming to tear her a new one. I also asked to be banned. I suppose I didn't have to. Fact is, none of those seriously offensive insults make any sense. Racism. Go to hell. I'm not a racist, and hell, I like Mormons too (who you may already know are *not* a race). But apparently I can't find a document about the evils of masturbation the slightest bit humorous without being....RACIST???? and there was not "complete hatred of a major religion in the worst way." I just made fun of the page a little.
And HOW exactly is that showing intolerance towards EDs????! Ugh.

I've...never been so offended in my life. I had enough decency to let my post be taken down gracefully, I only mentioned my predicament on another site briefly in a topic ABOUT the other site. But she sends me that...ridiculously offensive email.

So... that's one forum I'll never return to again.

Forgive the rant, it's just so ridiculous.

Now I somewhat understand the part about the pictures. I'm not saying she's right. CERTAINLY not. If you've been to one blog, you've been to them all in many cases - thinspo pics are ridiculously reused and common. Seriously. I've been all over the internet in the proana realm and there are dozens of sites using the same images I am. She's got NO business threatening my blog. Ugh. And I NEVER got thinspo images from a girl's personal site or blog. I got them from people just plain posting thinspo. That's all.

In the interest of humoring google, however, if she's going to try reporting me (I don't think it's below her), I'm going to replace those images with [image] for now.

Forgive the low talk about this person if you know who I'm talking about, forgive the strong feelings - I'm just incredibly offended and this was all over something as trivial as an article about masturbation. The words "lol" "mormon" and "masturbation" in the same area code apparently make for racism. Hm. Interesting Recipe. If I hadn't used the word "Mormon" it would probably have stayed up.

The linked article in question
^TRY to tell me some of those tips don't translate to Ana.

I'm so...so very angry. I can't show you what I wrote to show you how incredibly overblown this situation is because it was taken down. But if you've gotten any idea of the kind of person I am through this blog, you know I'm not the type who goes around spewing remarks around about people's spirituality ...or race for that matter. (seriously, wtf?).

...I need a hug. And someone tell me I'm right, please.

I'll get to commenting on your blogs after I get some sleep and calm down. If she reads this, and she certainly will, I'm asking her to stop. I'll have no desire to mention her again unless she does something else as momentously upsetting as what I've been left to rant about.

Though I visited the site in question one last time to find she's already begun to drag my name through the mud.

SOMEONE. I don't even know. Ugh. I'm so pissed I don't even have words anymore. I'm actually worried this is going to turn into harassment.

Today

Today I think I'm doing pretty well
I got confused though. You see, I was snacking at my boyfriends...again...when suddenly my stomach felt nasty and I thought it might go away, but it didn't. I ended up running to the bathroom and throwing up.

I felt much better afterwards, but I wondered how much of the snacks had come up. Reading mia blogs, it seems like the snacking wouldn't count. But I counted it anyway. I'm not bulimic...

It's my time of month now, and my stomach is always fussy around this time, but it's been a long time since I've thrown up. Maybe this will encourage me to eat a little less if I don't want to end up puking in my boyfriend's toilet. He accused me of doing it on purpose - I laughed that off, but I probably should have slapped him.

Oh, another boyfriend story. We were talking and he said something about moving in together one day. I asked him if he would think I was perfect by then...he said..."mu."

Apparently "mu" is some ancient Chinese or Japanese answer to a riddle that essentially means that the question can't be answered because it assumes something untrue.

I just accused him of calling me a cow.
Just to mess with him.

The thing is though, as much as he'd like me to think the assumption that he doesn't think I'm perfect is untrue - it's quite true. He doesn't think I'm perfect. He won't even tell me what he thinks is perfect. Probably because it's so far from what I am. Huge titted, fourteen, and and twenty pounds lighter than me.

Something I noticed today, though - I've got some impressive collar bones. I'm not particularly skinny, but I've got the kind of collar bones that you can see where they end in the shoulders, do you know what I mean?



I've got that little bump over there. Perhaps not quite as pronounced as hers.

In any case, I like it. Made me worry for a bit that perhaps my chest will get skinny long before my thick legs will, though. and I'll be a skeleton on top and still have a fat ass. Of course, my thick legs are part of the reason I've always looked thinner than I am. People guess my weight 10 lbs lighter because of all the fat hiding in my legs.

...

I've been a real bum lately. I get it from my parents. I don't think my dad's been to the IRS office to print out old taxes yet. He's impossible and an ass.

I said I'd make a 50 question survey workout.

The fifty questions were easy, the workout part? I can't seem to do, that's the harder half of it. It's started and in a draft.
I also waited to the latter part of the day to post, and my traffic is down.
I like attention.
So I need to pay attention.
Anyone else addicted to analytics.google.com ?

I really would like to grow my site, I see I now have 21 followers :D that's quite exciting

Welcome girls!

Okay. I'm going to have a fiber one bar and catch up on some blogs before bed.

Things

There are a couple things I need to overcome if I want to get past this horrible plateau I've been on.

The biggest problem is how much I eat when I'm with my boyfriend.

It averages to about 800 calories in the six hours we're together.

I can't help it. I know that's a lame thing to say, I'm trying. Sometimes I make him buy apples, they're a safe food.

Any tips? He's not the richest guy in town, and he's primary food intake consists of chocolate and white grains. Why he looks so good??? Ugh, because he's a man. Stupid amazing male metabolism. lol

You know what our normal dinners together are?

Chicken nuggets and ranch dressing.

-_- so good, yet so evil

500 calories of evil

with some sort of snack food accompaniment.

I guess the easiest thing to do would be to stop coming to him hungry. I start out the day so nice, though. I hate to spoil it.

Help?

Anyways.... I'm going to go ahead and mention that one of the blogs I subscribe to, Quest for Perfection, by the lovely Kat ~ has now opened an amazing (and I mean amazing) website chock full of information and thinspiration, as well as forums and room for a lot of interactiveness.

ProAnaQuest

So if you haven't already, check it out. It's gorgeous.

I'll end the post with some thinspo.

[image]


^ I want to look like that wearing something like that. You know, except without the crazy emo hair and bug-eye glasses. lol - just not my thing.

[image]

[image]

Spring Break :-)

Spring Break is here, and I don't know whether or not that bodes well for my weight loss. My friend Danny is telling me how shopping, cigarettes and Red Bull make for rapid weight loss. But I avoid caffeine, have no money, and I don't smoke. So sadly, there's nothing there for me.

I'm under a lot of stress. My dad and I had a fight today.
I HATE fighting with my dad. I mean, for like five minutes in a week he's decent to deal with but when he fights, he's not satisfied until he's made me cry. I'm serious, he won't stop yelling until he makes me cry. He's not convinced that I've gotten anything "through [my] thick skull" unless he's made me cry, which is why when I got a little tougher with age, he hit me. Not hard. Just enough that I would become terrified. This was in fifth through seventh grade. He lightened up on that after that because the school psychologist told my dad I should see a shrink, and I did - and he asked me if my dad hit me. I told him no at first, but later I told him yes. After that he wanted to talk to my dad. After that my dad rarely hit me. Now he hasn't done it in years.

Apparently my school counselor thought I was depressed. I thought it was kind of ridiculous. My boyfriend suggested that too, but only because he knows I walk around in a hazey cloud constantly and love to sleep. Apparently those are signs of depression.

I generally consider depression to be a self-pity sort of thing though. I don't really have a lot of self-pity. I never thought so. Thing is though, maybe the mentality that I have is one of self-blame rather than pity. I attribute all my unfortunate situations to be a result of my organizational shortcomings. It's my fault because I'm lazy, weird, and ugly that I can't get things I want or need.

Anyways...the fight started because I said I might spend the night at my boyfriend's. He didn't like that. He said no. What the hell? What business does he have?? I'm TWENTY freakin' years old!! and what's more he said that he doesn't want me living...get this...the "weekend shack-up life."

WTF?!?!

ewww

firstly, what the hell? He's creepy as hell when he mentions anything the slightest bit sexual. It's always something awkward and disturbing like that.

Anyways, I was REALLY reluctant to go home after that. But partly out of distrust and partly because my mother asked me to, I came home tonight. I want to make it clear to him that my coming home had nothing to do with his vague and growly threat of "You'd BETTER come home tonight." But more than that, I don't want to talk to him.

My financial aid for school is in danger because I can't file the fafsa because my dad won't give me even OLD tax information. He's useless like that. Now it's a week late and I may not be eligible for full financial aid anymore. So if I've been thinking
If I have to get a job
to pay my tuition
I think I'll move in with my boyfriend.
It's got to happen eventually.
and then I'll be able to assimilate into normal society fully aware that my father is fully aware that if it weren't for the fact that he was an idiot who couldn't help his daughter worth of shit that I would still be living at home and not sleeping in the same bed as my thirty year old boyfriend every night.

...

Anyways, hopefully spring break means more sleeping, reduced appetite, and more exercising. I worked out last night, but couldn't jog in place as much as I would have liked because of some discomfort in my leg. Which is sad. Because I've been rediscovering my old love of running. I really need to try it again. It clears my skin, makes me feel amazing, ups my energy, and lol - best of all - MAKES ME FEEL SKINNY. Even if I eat something bad, I can make myself feel better by running. Really, it's just fuel for the metabolism.

lol, k girls. To make this monster post worthwhile, I'll treat you to some thinspo :-D




^ okay, maybe you've seen this one before. But seriously, that's amazing. I wish I had a body like that, and I know my boyfriend does too.

Thanks :-)

Hey, girls.
I really love this blog, and the people who are reading it. I realize it's keeping me motivated. I've been working out more since I started this blog, and though my weight had plateaued I think it's started moving again. So thank you, your encouragement means everything :-D

I'm really beginning to suspect I've got a social anxiety disorder.
The other day I was at a career fair thing. I managed to stay a little while. I went alone. I talked to...2 people. Then I started to feel overwhelmed.
The place was crowded, I felt so ugly...It was full of skinny grad-students in pants suits and carrying portfolios. There were a couple other people dresses normally. I wasn't a total freak.
I don't know. I went out of curiosity.
I started to feel intimidated and warm. Very warm. So I left. Practically ran. Nearly forgot my coat. I don't think I needed it though, because though the wind-chill outside was in the single digits, if not negative - I was sweating like a hog. A fat, pimply, greasy hog who hadn't brushed her hair in days.
On the bright side, I got a pen, a tote, and sugar free mints just for asking for information. From Target. lol. One of the more relieving things about going there. So many companies will hire you just for having a four year degree. That's a relief. I'd heard that, but never really believed it. I still haven't chosen a major.
And Fish Price is looking for people with Aerospace engineering degrees. Something else I learned. lol - Just thought that was interesting.

Oh, and RayRay, I think I'll take you up on that challenge to make a 50 question survey workout :-D you just wait. Gimme a couple days. We'll see how this turns out.

Now a little thinspo. It's all about the tush.



[image]

Pro-ana

I can only speak for myself, but I'd love to hear what you think, in a comment or a blog
I mean, on any pro-ana site, they make a disclaimer saying something like " This site is a place for support for those who already have an eating disorder, so if you're just looking for a diet, please leave." So in no way is there a definition that includes spreading these ideas. Pro-ana means...what exactly? In my opinion, I think it's kind of a personal rights thing. You can't get help until you're ready to.
There's a lot of ana-oppression in the real world.
You get to feeling like shit, because everyone hates you. For what? For being sick?
Why the hell should people hate you because you hate yourself?
It has to be a secret. It's a burden that we carry. If anyone found out? We'd be looked at differently. Not as individuals. As sick people. Somehow immoral people?
Treatment is a wonderful thing, but only if you can commit to it. Girls who lie their way through treatment end up further from recovery than they were before, don't they?



A pro-ana blog, or a pro-ana forum ( Safe Private Garden , Hungerland )is the only place a girl can really find kindness, understanding - comradery.
Plus we are the only people who realize that having an eating disorder doesn't always mean being on the verge of death. Nor does it mean skinny. Some of the most amazing girls I know of online are overweight, or average like myself.

Pro-ana to me essentially means "safe," as a label on a website. It's where we can go to be ourselves, talk about things that absolutely need to be brought out. Where we won't be judged for our unhealthy habits. Where we can feel a little less WRONG about everything. Even helpful, because we're connecting with people who need us as much as we need them.



Anyways... my twentieth birthday is Monday. I was hoping to have reached a goal by then, a nice round number. I'm not sure I have though. I might even have gained a little. That's what happens when I spend so much time with my boyfriend, I end up eating what he eats. His metabolism must be amazing.

My goal for this blog was to post every other day, but I've just barely missed that because I spend last night with my boyfriend, and just came home a couple hours ago.. Sorry. I gotta keep my ass in gear.

K. Stay strong girls. Your hearts are bigger than your stomachs.

Things I hate about my body

There is so much wrong with my body, and I'm going to start with the things that have nothing to do with how fat I am.

My skin. It's by far the worst problem. Scarred, acne, greasy, uneven. It's not as bad as it used to be, but when I break out, I break out like no one else does. Sometimes it's even painful. I'll have a dozen or more at a time. Fat red ones, on fair skin. It's hideous. It's disgusting.
Sometimes I feel like I'm wearing a mask, and that if I tried, I could just peel it off and look the way I did when I was ten. It's a nightmare.

My face. In general. My nose is too big, I get bags under my eyes, and my angles are all wrong. Don't get me wrong, there are things I like too. I'm fairly symmetrical, I have big green eyes - sometimes I like my lips, or at least I've never had a problem with them. But the angles. I look wrong in almost every light. I'm ugly. I don't photograph well, unless I'm whited out. Sometimes when I see pictures of myself I get lost in staring at them, trying to connect what I see with how I feel. It's kind of like that scene in "the eye."

How thick my legs are. They're chunky, they always have been. My jeans are bigger than my dress size, by like a lot. I'm not sure, but I don't think that's normal.

My breasts. This is a major one. They're down-right flappy. I realize this is a natural side-effect of losing weight, but I hate this. I'm afraid of on-top sex positions. I don't want to disgust my boyfriend, or myself.

It's like...I'm never going to be pretty. Never. I know that. I can't say as I accept it completely, but at the very least, at the VERY least...I want to be thinner than the pretty girls.

Areas to work on...

Love handles
belly
arm flab
cellulite
imperfect ass
thighs. omg. my thighs.
my hips

My self-esteem is very low today, but I exercised yesterday. It's been a long time since I've formally exercised. I was very proud of myself. Then I binged today on snack foods. That's okay... Today serves as motivation. Today I'm more motivated than I've been in a long time. I'll start doing my ab routine again (I may post it soon), and jogging in place for at least 20 minutes beforehand. Plus everything else I've been doing.

Tonight the plan is to drink a ton of water.

Okay. Here's some thinspo.











You can do it girls. So can I.