Friday, May 22, 2009

jealousy, paranoia, and a semi-random question.

I'm feeling pretty down. Firstly because I'm bloated with carbs. I slept all day, ended up waking up in time for dinner - ravioli and texas toast. like 500 calories. I still feel gross. But mostly because I haven't seen my boyfriend all day.

He was at some programmers thing.

Doing some crap or some other crap.

I don't care what they're doing. All I know is that it's going to be every friday night, so I don't get to see him on friday anymore. What's more than that, there was apparently a pretty girl there. A skinny asian girl. I guess I'm glad I have a boyfriend who tells me stuff like that when I ask, but I'm so terrified of being left for someone better than me... It sounds so stupid, but I always feel so worthless and ugly. I AM worthless and ugly.
It could be more frequent than just fridays, too. Apparently it could become damn near an everyday thing. I'm afraid I'm going to lose him to it. he's picking a fight with me on meebo because I told him I was upset.
Basically he could be spending every Friday night with a pretty skinny asian girl. Better than me. Everyone is better than me. I'm crap. I'm fat, ugly, and not as smart as I used to think I was.
Of course, I'd be upset in thinking he would prefer to be on a computer than with me, too.

I'm afraid of becoming better than I am now.
I'm afraid being thin.
My bad skin has become part of my identity, too
I'm afraid of actually being as beautiful as I want my boyfriend to think I am.
Partly, because no matter how many improvements I make to myself, my boyfriend is still a lover of breasts and faces, and I'm blessed in neither of those areas. God, why is he with me? I KNOW I'm not what he wants. I wouldn't leave him for anything in the world, but it's honestly painful to be with someone who you know would change you given the opportunity. That's the only thing I'd change about him...

I just realized I wouldn't be nearly as insecure if I believed he thought I was perfect just as I am.

He's supportive and handsome and affectionate and patient and so much else....things I didn't really think I could find in a man. I always thought I could find a man who thought I was perfect, though.

I know I shouldn't be so jealous. I know it's natural for a guy to look. I know he probably won't end up alone with the pretty girl. I'm almost certain he wouldn't cheat on me. The thought of him finding someone more attractive than me is devastating. I already know he does...

semi-random you think a genuinely unattractive person could get diagnosed with body dysmorphic disorder? Like if your shrink thought you were ugly, would he think it was a psychological issue that you thought you were ugly?


  1. Oh, girl. Everything you write about him seems to reflect mine and my beau's relationship. It's kind of crazy.

    To answer your random question: He may just dismiss it, but my friend isn't the prettiest of girls at all and she got diagnosed with it, so who knows?

  2. Im not sure about the question. Im afraid I may have that sometimes but then I realize that ya, Im just ugly. Do you ever hear people who are on drugs say not to look in the mirror because its scary? Its like that for me all the time.

    As for the rest of the post. I completely understand. My bf is starting to get pretty close to this girl. I shouldnt be worried because Its his best friends girlfriend. Shes fucking enormous but then why does he prefer her company over mine :(

  3. love ur blog!!!