A Thinspo Post!

Sorry I so rarely post or comment lately. I say that all the time. But I'm busy. and ashamed really. I'm on kind of a carb kick and I actually went thinspo hunting because I needed something to stop me. I love you girls. Wanted to share with you. I hope a couple of these are new to you. A few are new to me. :)
There's a lot of skin, just so you're aware. I'm sorry if any of you are sensitive to that sort of thing.

Sick

I failed so incredibly hard yesterday, that I absolutely deserve all the miserable abdominal issues I'm having today.

I'm disgusting.

My weight was up by two pounds, but I suspect most of that is bloat and digesting food.

And I'm going to remember how I feel today. I'm going to remember how sickening unhealthy foods seem right now. How queasy I've been all day, how tired, how miserable. How much of a fat cow I feel like.

I'm disgusted by myself.



And water water water.

I'm not going to fuck up like this again any time soon, I promise you all this.

Love you girls.

Open ID

Mango, and anyone else who was commenting using their real email addresses before viewing my last post, can now use Open ID.

:)

Best wishes

A warning to those of you who use their real email

Came across this article on Reddit, Please read. It's vital if your blog is anyway attached to your real identity, or if you comment with your real email.



Google Buzz

"I use my private Gmail account to email my boyfriend and my mother.

There’s a BIG drop-off between them and my other “most frequent” contacts.

You know who my third most frequent contact is?

My abusive ex-husband.

Which is why it’s SO EXCITING, Google, that you AUTOMATICALLY allowed all my most frequent contacts access to my Reader, including all the comments I’ve made on Reader items, usually shared with my boyfriend, who I had NO REASON to hide my current location or workplace from, and never did.

My other most frequent contacts? Other friends of Flint’s.

Oh, also, people who email my ANONYMOUS blog account, which gets forwarded to my personal account. They are frequent contacts as well. Most of them, they are nice people. Some of them are probably nice but a little unbalanced and scary. A minority of them — but the minority that emails me the most, thus becoming FREQUENT — are psychotic men who think I deserve to be raped because I keep a blog about how I do not deserve to be raped, and this apparently causes the Hulk rage.

I can’t block these people, because I never made a Google profile or Buzz profile, due to privacy concerns (apparently and resoundingly founded!). Which doesn’t matter anyway, because every time I do block them, they are following me again in an hour. I’m hoping that they, like me, do not realize and are not intentionally following me, but that’s the optimistic half of the glass. My pessimistic half is of the abyss, and it is staring back at you with a redolent stink-eye.

Oh, yes, I suppose I could opt out of Buzz — which I did when it was introduced, though that apparently has no effect on whether or not I am now using Buzz — but as soon as I did that, all sorts of new people were following me on my Reader! People I couldn’t block, because I am not on Buzz!

Fuck you, Google. My privacy concerns are not trite. They are linked to my actual physical safety, and I will now have to spend the next few days maintaining that safety by continually knocking down followers as they pop up. A few days is how long I expect it will take before you either knock this shit off, or I delete every Google account I have ever had and use Bing out of fucking spite.

Fuck you, Google. You have destroyed over ten years of my goodwill and adoration, just so you could try and out-MySpace MySpace."

Awkward

I had this little fluke of social skills going for me. Which is good - - - but I think it's coming to an end. Which is okay, too, because it seems like I can fake it sometimes too.

One of my boyfriend's friends very rudely told me to 'shut the fuck up' the other day. I ... literally shrunk down. Sat on the floor. Hid behind a desk.

Why am I like this? I'm so awkward

My numbers have been good. For the first time in a long time I measured my waist yesterday and it was under 26 inches. Just barely.

Fought with my boyfriend today. I criticized a woman in the newspaper and he insisted on reading the article. Defending her? Why? He had no interest in her. She was just pretty. That's all.

I was mad because I felt like he was only doing that to punish me.
I followed him pretty far before he said he said "I think we'd both be happier if you went home"

I figured he didn't really expect me to do that. It seemed like a power play. Like a ... "my way or the highway" kind of thing. And he gets what he wants a lot. I don't want to be taken advantage of.

So I went home. He got no sympathy or affection. I just got off at an awkward bus stop and walked home in the dark and cold. A little storm cloud over my head.

Did I mention this fight was in transit?

This fight was in transit.

So I had to go home to my parents and act like I wasn't upset.
But I'm pretty sure they could see the storm cloud.

I don't know what to do. I never know what to do. I just want to hide.

I wanted him to tell me he didn't mean it, and to ask me to come home with him. Instead when I said I didn't want to go home, he handed me pity and said come on then... or something like that.

But why the hell should I have to force myself on him?? He doesn't deserve me unless he wants me.

But now I'm sitting at home, alone, cold... feeling worthless and empty. and angry.

Maybe he's finally starting to catch up with his friends and realizing I'm just useless.

It may seem like I'm reading a lot into this, but I need him to come to me so I know he actually thinks I'm worth something.

Because I feel so unimportant right now.

Diet Coke

Diet Coke Addiction











I'm completely addicted to the stuff. It's not always coke, but it seems like coke is the generic diet drink.

Today I drank a huuuge bottle of diet lipton green tea. I love that stuff.

But lately I've been getting a 32 oz diet coke when I have lunch with my beau.

and I don't want to drink so much. I really don't. It's a lot. It's not healthy. I must have that stuff flowing through my veins - and I haven't been getting enough water in my diet. Fact is I just need a source of caffeine, but I don't like coffee.

Not typically.

My boyfriend uses caffeine pills sometimes. I should buy some.