Thursday, July 30, 2009

thanks, some depressing stuff and some thinspo links.

85 followers. I'm pretty impressed with myself.

I want to thank Lyla Unleashed, xthinforever, and sadhanna for their comments on my blog about my childhood friend...
I really needed some input.

xthinforever, though - he wasn't obsessed with little girls. I don't know how it came off like that. I meant to say that when we were in middle school, like seven years ago, he'd talk about girls. Not *little* girls. I mean he was an adolescent boy and we'd talk about stuff like that. I believe the bit about high compulsiveness. That makes perfect sense.

And thanks to Lyla and Sadhanna for your stories. I would love to believe he's innocent, but I don't know enough about what happened to say for sure. I know he pleaded guilty, that's what the article said. and I don't know how to get in contact with him.

Funny thing is, just yesterday I was visiting my beau's nerd group, which apparently is across the street from some sort of half-way house for sex-offenders. It was weird, all I could think was that in a few years, my friend might be in that very spot.

Thinking about what happened to this friend made me think about spontaneous human combustion. Don't know how well I can explain it, but it's like... with spontaneous human combustion, if it's real, someone just experiences some sudden molecular mutation and bursts into flames out of nowhere. It's like poof - they're on fire. There's no reason something like that should happen. It's not in the nature of humans to burst into flames. It's unpredictable and extremely unlikely, but all the sudden someone's reduced to a pile of ashes before they had the chance to realize what happened. In a way, that's what happened to this friend, as far as I could tell. No one could have seen this coming. It's just sudden, and extreme, and before you know it so much is fucked up...

Anyways... I'm in the basement of my boyfriend's mother's house on my laptop. I don't really like being at his mother's house; apart from the wifi there's nothing we really do here. We don't really snuggle. It's really more like he sits on his computer and I sit at the laptop. We occasionally talk. Today he wants me to blog while he cleans the upstairs room. Not this blog of course... He wants me to work on a blog we started together. It's promising actually. We got like thirty-something hits after the first entry.

I've been eating far too much lately. Even my dad said I was eating too many brownies. That's just...traumatic coming from him. I'm ashamed to admit all this. I think I've gained a few pounds, but it's hard to tell because I'm less than a week away from my period and I'm sure I must be bloated. I really am disgusted with myself though.. I've been trying to work out, burn the calories off - but the way I'm eating makes me sick. I need help. I could go back to the way I was calorie counting before, but it just wasn't working anymore. It was always like I was watching the numbers go higher and higher and I couldn't stop myself.

I wish I just didn't *want* the food. As much as I try to brainwash myself, it doesn't always work. At this very moment I can still feel that brownie sitting in my stomach, dissolving, turning into my side-fat. By the way, my love handles are bigger than my breasts. I'm repulsive...I hate my body.

Sometimes I look in the mirror, and I just want to cry. That's what happened last night. I took off my shirt in the mirror. I have a muffin top. and I looked at myself, and pinched it, and I wanted to cry. and I started to feel like I was going to. Because I feel like I'm never going to be thin. I also realized I'm even uglier when I cry.

It's been so damn long since I've lost weight. I can't even express it. I mean, yeah, I lost two pounds camping - but I gained it right back. For a moment the other day I was 127 on the scale. but now I'm back to 130. maybe 131. The same I was at the beginning of the summer. All the changes that have been made, it's been up and down in a small margin and I hate myself.

How can my boyfriend even pretend to be attracted to me? I know there's a billion other women in the world he finds more attractive than me.

I am one of those fat, pathetic, unattractive weepy girls no one feels sorry for. That you just instinctively know are wrong and worthless. I could disappear tomorrow and the world would be a slightly more beautiful place.

I have this habit of grabbing at my fatty parts without even thinking about it. I'll be sitting in a meeting for my group and be pinching my gut under my shirt.

Anyways, I keep thinking I don't deserve to be thin. It's just not going to happen. I can't get under 130lbs. Or at least I can't stay there. I should be 123. Seems like an odd number, but in my blog about body frame size I figured out that's the bottom of my healthy range. I would look good at that weight. After that I Guess I'd want to be 120. After that I'd want to see if I could be under 120. By then I think I'd be technically underweight - which would also be interesting. Point is by the time I got to 123, I bet there wouldn't be so damn much of me to grab. I make myself sick.

Anyways, I'm wearing a six 9 jeans, and they're loose on me. This is of more significance to me than you, because my sizing has always been weird. It's my thick legs... but I want to go shopping sometime and try on sizes until I find the smallest I can fit into. I would *love* that. I'd like to lose a few more pounds first, though.

I need a job. I really do. I need about $1000 to afford to go to school this semester. I have transportation issues though. I'd pretty much have to find a job on my bus route. I say my bus, because it goes right by my house fairly regularly, and it's fairly versatile too. Technically I could also walk ten or fifteen minutes to the bus-stop that goes to the mall. That's a good bus. Always so crowded, though.

I want to work in retail. I so desperately need clothes, you have no idea. My parents say I don't because I have so many lying around, but most don't fit or are ripped or stained and I just don't know what to do with all my stuff. I know I need to do something. I need help. I need guidance. Nothing my parents have EVER been good at.

Friends could help, but I don't have any friends. Maybe I should clean.

But if I cleaned, my parents would get all sarcastic with me. It fucking pisses me off..

I'm to the point where I'm just ranting. I need to find direction or end the post.

Or...I have a better idea.

Those three xangas contain SOOOO much thinspo.

I know what I want to do next, though. I want to ask some of my facebook friends if I can post their personal pics. A few of my ana facebook friends just look fucking spectacular and I'm so jealous. D:

My Facebook

I just like this pic. It came out of a facebook friend's album, it's an MK thinspo.
I looove MK.
but this pic really stands out to me because I always feel like the girl on the right. I have pics that remind me of this.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

...scary night.

I'll thank everyone for the last entry's comments in my next blog - but tonight requires it's own entry

My boyfriend was assaulted at the subway station today, by some too-aggressive guy asking for fifty cents. My beau said no. Vehemently. I'm kind of mad at him for what an aggressive response he gave to some psycho... there were some exchanges. The guy shoved my boyfriend. My boyfriend didn't back down. Things started getting too much, I called 911.

I should mention that the guy asking for fifty cents was pretty clearly being aggressive. He kept walking into the comfort zone, and he asked me first. Even though I kind of told him my beau wouldn't give him $0.50. This guy was clearly looking for a fight...I suspect he was going for the stereotypical "I'll attack you when you're reaching for your wallet" kind of thing. I've never seen it, most of the people who ask for change are legitimately pathetic rather than psycho...

I tried to talk the situation down, too... "Please, be nice..." "There's no need for this" I got the impression this guy would rather hit my boyfriend than me. I don't remember what else I said... I stepped in between them at some point trying to separate them, my beau pushed me to the side. That's when I called 911 and the guy shoved my boyfriend.

I stayed on the phone as long as I could... I got on my bus. Getting on the bus was probably not that great an idea - I just wanted to get home. I should have stayed with my beau. It was... adrenaline I guess that made me do it. I should mention by now that the guy that assaulted my boyfriend had gone off in the other direction.

I got on the bus. My beau called me after he talked to the police. When he called he was in the police car and they'd found the guy that attacked my beau at a nearby gas station. I guess he just wanted to get off the street. It probably took just a couple minutes. My beau brought up a new issue - that there was a guy that the assaulter had been speaking to before hand who got on the bus with me.

I have no doubt that he intended to get on that bus before hand, seeing as they were both waiting at the bus stop. On the phone my beau said to get off only after the friend got off, in case I was being followed. I passed my stop and the guy still hadn't gotten off. As we neared the end of the route I got up and talked to the bus driver. Perhaps after seeing that the guy got off; it's possible that he was really going to this destination... he headed off in a different direction that the bus had come from or was going. That's something. I got on a different bus going back to my stop in the other direction when we got the end of the route.

My beau was on the phone with me from the police station. I didn't see any sign of the guy on the way back, so I got off at my stop.

I went home.

Had to tell my mom about it. Didn't lie, but downplayed everything because I don't want to worry her too much...

It really wouldn't have been so bad if I weren't so damn caffeinated. Too much diet pop. Too much made me sick. I probably wouldn't be trembling so much if it weren't for this.

My beau? He's fine. He's not even shaken anymore. I'm terrified.. I don't want to ever run into that guy again. That's my regular bus... I'm recognizable. No one's as pale as me. My acne? At my age? I'm scared...

Maybe my purple jeans are bad luck. I might even be scared to wear them again.

Yeah...yeah...bad night. Scared for my beau's life, then scared for mine.

I got that...too caffeinated kind of... "I'm too young to worry about my heart" kind of feeling. If nothing had happened it probably would have been fine, but I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. I hate that helpless victim feeling.

But yeah, my boyfriend isn't shaken. He's sorry he returned the aggressive language now. He was worried about me.

He said he's been beat up much worse when he was less emotionally developed. He's a nerd. He's not afraid of bullies. which sometimes seems stupid. Like tonight. He actually seemed in kind of a good mood..but yeah, like I said, he's worried about me now.

I'm calming down now... I'm going to drink a ton of water and try to get the caffeine out of my system so I can finally sleep at some point.

I'm going to be scared of my bus for a while.

At least the 11:19 outbound...

Monday, July 27, 2009

Got some shocking news about an old friend.

I'm going to start out with a description of my childhood friend. Someone I've know since the third grade. He was always skinny. But a really nice kid... In the fourth grade he didn't come to school with me anymore because they put him in special classes at another school. Again, I don't know why. As far as I know the only thing wrong with him, and I learned this later, was that he had ADHD.

I remember we would talk for a long time outside my house in the winter, because he was a latchkey kid and would rather spend time in the freezing cold talking to a friend than be in the house alone. I don't remember what we talked about anymore. I think he talked about girls a lot. I probably talked about boys. These discussions were in middle school, if I remember correctly. He suddenly came back to school in the seventh grade. I was happy ^_^ In the summer we'd go for walks with other neighborhood friends, and everyone liked him. He was too sweet not to like. He was flirty too. Just part of his personality I guess. He even kissed my cheek once in the seventh grade. That was kind of a big deal, even though I never considered dating him. Nevermind that he was a flirt, probably half my weight at the time, and I never really thought he was serious with his flirting, but I wasn't ready for a boyfriend back then. Plus, my dad would have freaked out. He didn't care much for this friend because he was black. My dad can be a little... anyways, it was always awkward to have to defend my friend to my dad. but my dad is really irrelevant here.

In school, he'd talk to me and sit with me at lunch sometimes. His friends thought I was weird, but he defended me and said I was cool. :) He was a really good friend. We hung out a little on the class trip in the eighth grade - those are the only photos I have of him.

I know what you're thinking by now. You're thinking I found out he's dead or something. No... He's not dead. He's in prison for the next five years.

I wondered about him and I searched his name on google not too long ago, and found a news article dating back to february, stating that he pleaded guilty to molesting two little girls, age 8 and 10. and yes, it was him. The age was right and he has a unique name, and it was in a local newspaper.

Technically they might not have been cousins. My friend called many people his cousin... Basically every friend of the family was a cousin, and his family had tons of friends from church and things like that.

My brain can't even wrap itself around this. I don't think he's a pedophile... If anything it was a crime of convenience. but that doesn't excuse it, and it doesn't really make it much easier to believe.

Posting about my weight seems really stupid and meaningless so I won't bother.
The depth with which this news hit me was profound. It's definitely one of the most disturbing things I've heard.

And to think that one of my closest childhood friends is sitting in prison labeled a child molester is scary and sickening and confusing and conflicting... I can't help but feel awful for him, both scared for him and angry that he fucked up his entire life, and probably the lives of those young girls. I don't know the situation. I can't picture him raping anyone. He was never aggressive. I don't understand what happened. I want to, but I might never see him again.

I just don't know how to feel right now. I've heard what they do to child molesters in prison. and even if they didn't hurt him or something like that, what if prison hardens him? I've never felt sorry for anyone who's hurt a child before....

Some of you probably have no sympathy for him. I understand... I'm extremely conflicted myself. But how do you hate someone you've cared about for more than a decade?

I really want to talk to someone that knew him, at least back in middle school. But I don't know anyone close enough to me, except maybe one friend. But this one friend was raped when she was eight, so I don't want to tell her about this because she might find it even more disturbing than I do.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Thinspo post...

I'm just going to post thinspo. I've been meaning to do this for a while.

This one is from the facebook group "I want to be a thinspo!" Just saying because it really stuck out to me.

I looove legs like that.

This one might not be completely new, but it's always been one of my favorites. I just don't like the whole scene girl look thing... but her thighs are amazing.

She looks like a doll...

I Want That Skirt!!! <3 So pretty.

Her legs, please.

Monday, July 20, 2009


I'm feeling so.. unproductive and unbeautiful. I'm shirking my responsibilities, as a student, a girlfriend, a daughter, and a human being... not to mention as someone who cares about their weight...

Has anyone ever read that children's book, I think it's about this kid who learns what his teacher does after school and how she's a person and all that; but he thought she just sort of ceased to exist when he wasn't in class. Like she was a robot.

That's kind of what I do. When someone doesn't call on me, I go back to my box, the living room, and pace and watch tv and go on the internet and occasionally fuss over the dogs. I don't do housework, I don't have a job, I don't write in my blog like I should be doing at the bare minimum... I fulfill none of my obligations as a human being.

I live a truly pathetic life; that's only slightly less pathetic because I have my boyfriend. He makes me feel like I have some worth...sometimes.

I guess I have nothing real to complain about him... nothing new at least. We had an argument the other night because of some stupid hippy chick who doesn't wear a bra. He says he wasn't looking... We've been through all this before. I think it was gross... but my boyfriend says stupid things. He said he noticed but didn't ogle... I know he looked; but I can accept it as not such a big deal. It's hard to explain what went wrong there... I mean YES, it bothers me that he looked. . .more than once. I believe it wasn't really lust or anything. It was a spectacle. She was fairly (not hugely, but still) large breasted and it was chilly... and she's got huge nipples. So it was waaaay out there.

I said it was gross. He Disagreed. How stupid is my boyfriend?
He was mad at me for being mad at him. I ended up going home early. I didn't really want to.

Today I wanted to forget all about it... but he hurt his back somehow and I couldn't even get the cuddling I wanted and needed because he was in pain. I fussed over him. Looked up stuff online about lower back pain and had him lie on the floor with his feet propped up.

I'm not mad at him; I mean he's a bitch to fight with and he tends to think he's smarter than me..or at least that's the impression I get...but both of those things are to be expected. How you act in an argument is a reflection of your personality; and I generally just let him do all the thinking. Hell, I make him do all the thinking.

It occurs to me that if I weren't addicted to oxytocin (the chemical you emit when you're being affectionate) we probably would have broken up ages ago.

I'm a fetus. I think about that phrase sometimes. It suits me. A womb. warm all the time. never hungry. small. invisible to everyone, but known of and celebrated.

Does that make sense? Just being warm...and thoughtless...not worrying about anything at all.

I don't want to die, I just sometimes wish I were never born.

And when I get like this, it's stressful too. Partly because I know I should be doing things. Like..trying to figure out what the hell is going on with my financial aid. I don't know if I mentioned it. It's because I don't want to think about it. It terrifies me.

I always felt like my worth was my beauty and intelligence. But I don't feel that smart anymore, and I really don't think there's anyone in the world who really finds me beautiful.


Sometimes I flat out say to my boyfriend "tell me I'm thin and pretty"
I make my boyfriend lie to me.
I'm sick.

I insult myself, but I'm really kind of numb to it. Though I have heaps of things I'm stressed about and heaps of things I don't want to lose, I find that I can't be bothered to do jack shit to help myself.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Updates and Body Frame Size

I learned something while camping for a week. Sorry for the long absence, by the way. I was gone for a week, living in a cabin with no electricity in a park where there are bears. I spent the whole first night thinking I was going to die. o_0 I got over that eventually, though. I didn't see any bears... but other people did. I can't go into too much detail about individuals, but yeah... bears.

Got sooo much exercise though. One day with did a ten mile hike. It took six hours. Granted, there were children there, but there was still six hours of muchly uphill hiking. Wow. I felt amazing. I know what you're thinking though - you're much more impressed with the children. lol, me too. Kids are perfect for stuff like that. A five minute break and they're running laps around the mountain.

I ended up losing two pounds...I think I've gained it back now, though. Which is sad.
I haven't been counting calories.
It's both something I'm kind of proud of and something I'm terrified of.
I didn't think I could do that, but sooner or later I'm going to have to start again. It's just freeing to not do it.
I think I should just avoid things...but I haven't gotten good at that without numbers backing me up. Maybe that's a weakness. Maybe that's something I should be working on? For instance...I just ate four blocks of a Hershey's Giant Bar.

Am I crazy or stupid?

Anyways... Body frame size. I learned in discussion that body frame size can be measured with the size of your wrist. So I googled it and got:
This Page


* Height under 5'2"
o Small = wrist size less than 5.5"
o Medium = wrist size 5.5" to 5.75"
o Large = wrist size over 5.75"
* Height 5'2" to 5' 5"
o Small = wrist size less than 6"
o Medium = wrist size 6" to 6.25"
o Large = wrist size over 6.25"
* Height over 5' 5"
o Small = wrist size less than 6.25"
o Medium = wrist size 6.25" to 6.5"
o Large = wrist size over 6.5"


* Height over 5' 5"
o Small = wrist size 5.5" to 6.5"
o Medium = wrist size 6.5" to 7.5"
o Large = wrist size over 7.5"

I measured my wrist. It's under six inches. I actually kind of find it hard to believe that I'm small framed, when I'm a healthy weight and my size in everything is "Medium." But I checked several sources, apparently that's standard.

After you check that out, you can check this out too: HERE
Apparently I'm in the healthy range for a small framed, 5'7" person.

...wait, what's elbow measurement? I don't know how to do that...
*learns how to do that*
apparently I'm still small framed.

This is a very strange realization for me.

:] but I guess it's a good one.

Okay. Enough of my rambling.

Enjoy this: The Lovely Bones
It has lots of pop-ups, but it also seems to have lots of good stuff.

How Cute Is This??