Societal expectations of beauty are BullShit.

Apparently the perfect BMI is 20.85

I feel like I may have blogged this before. At the time I learned this, I was significantly heavier than I am now, and I was stunned. Offended even, that this was considered worthy of the title "Okay girls, relax, 20.85 is now the perfect body!" Goddamnit, no! I had to work for that bmi, and after that I'm down to a bmi of 20 that number still strikes me as bullshit. 20.85? I'm know my boyfriend is attracted to women thinner than I am. I have no doubt. He's not atypical either. Maybe other men are better at hiding it, but girls, we know who we see men looking at.

There's another standard out there that's quite popular. It's 36-24-36 measurements.
Those measurements don't go with that bmi.
Actually, Sir Mix-a-Lot Probably said it best. "36-24-36? Ha ha, only if she's 5'3"

That's probably about how tall you'd have to be to have those measurements and that bmi.

Do any of us want..."back?"

No. No we do not.

I certainly wouldn't mind a 24 inch waist. Mine was 25.5 this morning, and my weight was 126 - which would be my thinnest, but I don't necessarily trust the scale.

The point I'm trying to get at is that it's unrealistic to set out standards on what society gives us to go by. That's what most people seem to think anorexics are going by. That society is giving us "unrealistic expectations" of beauty and that we're trying to live up to them, but in reality we're probably the only ones who aren't listening to those societal expectations.

Because they don't make sense.

So we do with our bodies what we think is beautiful, for whatever beautiful reasons they might be. Like a ... "fuck you" to those very same societal expectations. We're too smart to be convinced that what's normal is what's beautiful. We just sort of...opt out of playing the same failure game that everyone else plays.

It seems like the delusional game the rest of the world is playing [about getting a 24 inch waist the healthy way] is just as crazy as starving yourself. More so. Restricting will get you there. 1800+ calories a day won't. It might make you *muscular* if you're working out.

God, people are just so full of contradictions.

They say 'be healthy.'

If they say it to a fat person they're saying 'lose weight'

If they're saying it to a "healthy" person, they mean 'don't get thinner than me'

and if they're saying it to a thin person, they mean 'get fat so I can be thinner than you'

Fuck that nonsense.

I know what I want.

~

So that was the rant I had waiting in my reserves. What do you think?

I want to direct you guys to a great website I stumbled upon yesterday. PrettyThin
It's like a proana myspace and it has heaps of users. I can't believe I didn't know about it O_O

a couple thinspo videos

Trying to catch up on some blogs

I'm not going to say much...I'm under stress. I need a job. I don't have much else to add to that.

So have some thinspo.


I found this video on youtube, it's really beautiful and perfectly well done.


And this one is pretty inspirational too . :] More uplifting.

thanks, some depressing stuff and some thinspo links.

85 followers. I'm pretty impressed with myself.

I want to thank Lyla Unleashed, xthinforever, and sadhanna for their comments on my blog about my childhood friend...
I really needed some input.

xthinforever, though - he wasn't obsessed with little girls. I don't know how it came off like that. I meant to say that when we were in middle school, like seven years ago, he'd talk about girls. Not *little* girls. I mean he was an adolescent boy and we'd talk about stuff like that. I believe the bit about high compulsiveness. That makes perfect sense.

And thanks to Lyla and Sadhanna for your stories. I would love to believe he's innocent, but I don't know enough about what happened to say for sure. I know he pleaded guilty, that's what the article said. and I don't know how to get in contact with him.

Funny thing is, just yesterday I was visiting my beau's nerd group, which apparently is across the street from some sort of half-way house for sex-offenders. It was weird, all I could think was that in a few years, my friend might be in that very spot.

Thinking about what happened to this friend made me think about spontaneous human combustion. Don't know how well I can explain it, but it's like... with spontaneous human combustion, if it's real, someone just experiences some sudden molecular mutation and bursts into flames out of nowhere. It's like poof - they're on fire. There's no reason something like that should happen. It's not in the nature of humans to burst into flames. It's unpredictable and extremely unlikely, but all the sudden someone's reduced to a pile of ashes before they had the chance to realize what happened. In a way, that's what happened to this friend, as far as I could tell. No one could have seen this coming. It's just sudden, and extreme, and before you know it so much is fucked up...

Anyways... I'm in the basement of my boyfriend's mother's house on my laptop. I don't really like being at his mother's house; apart from the wifi there's nothing we really do here. We don't really snuggle. It's really more like he sits on his computer and I sit at the laptop. We occasionally talk. Today he wants me to blog while he cleans the upstairs room. Not this blog of course... He wants me to work on a blog we started together. It's promising actually. We got like thirty-something hits after the first entry.

I've been eating far too much lately. Even my dad said I was eating too many brownies. That's just...traumatic coming from him. I'm ashamed to admit all this. I think I've gained a few pounds, but it's hard to tell because I'm less than a week away from my period and I'm sure I must be bloated. I really am disgusted with myself though.. I've been trying to work out, burn the calories off - but the way I'm eating makes me sick. I need help. I could go back to the way I was calorie counting before, but it just wasn't working anymore. It was always like I was watching the numbers go higher and higher and I couldn't stop myself.

I wish I just didn't *want* the food. As much as I try to brainwash myself, it doesn't always work. At this very moment I can still feel that brownie sitting in my stomach, dissolving, turning into my side-fat. By the way, my love handles are bigger than my breasts. I'm repulsive...I hate my body.

Sometimes I look in the mirror, and I just want to cry. That's what happened last night. I took off my shirt in the mirror. I have a muffin top. and I looked at myself, and pinched it, and I wanted to cry. and I started to feel like I was going to. Because I feel like I'm never going to be thin. I also realized I'm even uglier when I cry.

It's been so damn long since I've lost weight. I can't even express it. I mean, yeah, I lost two pounds camping - but I gained it right back. For a moment the other day I was 127 on the scale. but now I'm back to 130. maybe 131. The same I was at the beginning of the summer. All the changes that have been made, it's been up and down in a small margin and I hate myself.

How can my boyfriend even pretend to be attracted to me? I know there's a billion other women in the world he finds more attractive than me.

I am one of those fat, pathetic, unattractive weepy girls no one feels sorry for. That you just instinctively know are wrong and worthless. I could disappear tomorrow and the world would be a slightly more beautiful place.

I have this habit of grabbing at my fatty parts without even thinking about it. I'll be sitting in a meeting for my group and be pinching my gut under my shirt.

Anyways, I keep thinking I don't deserve to be thin. It's just not going to happen. I can't get under 130lbs. Or at least I can't stay there. I should be 123. Seems like an odd number, but in my blog about body frame size I figured out that's the bottom of my healthy range. I would look good at that weight. After that I Guess I'd want to be 120. After that I'd want to see if I could be under 120. By then I think I'd be technically underweight - which would also be interesting. Point is by the time I got to 123, I bet there wouldn't be so damn much of me to grab. I make myself sick.

Anyways, I'm wearing a six 9 jeans, and they're loose on me. This is of more significance to me than you, because my sizing has always been weird. It's my thick legs... but I want to go shopping sometime and try on sizes until I find the smallest I can fit into. I would *love* that. I'd like to lose a few more pounds first, though.

I need a job. I really do. I need about $1000 to afford to go to school this semester. I have transportation issues though. I'd pretty much have to find a job on my bus route. I say my bus, because it goes right by my house fairly regularly, and it's fairly versatile too. Technically I could also walk ten or fifteen minutes to the bus-stop that goes to the mall. That's a good bus. Always so crowded, though.

I want to work in retail. I so desperately need clothes, you have no idea. My parents say I don't because I have so many lying around, but most don't fit or are ripped or stained and I just don't know what to do with all my stuff. I know I need to do something. I need help. I need guidance. Nothing my parents have EVER been good at.

Friends could help, but I don't have any friends. Maybe I should clean.

But if I cleaned, my parents would get all sarcastic with me. It fucking pisses me off..

I'm to the point where I'm just ranting. I need to find direction or end the post.

Or...I have a better idea.

bonish-thinspo7
ivala-thinspo
iamgettingby
Those three xangas contain SOOOO much thinspo.

I know what I want to do next, though. I want to ask some of my facebook friends if I can post their personal pics. A few of my ana facebook friends just look fucking spectacular and I'm so jealous. D:

My Facebook


I just like this pic. It came out of a facebook friend's album, it's an MK thinspo.
I looove MK.
but this pic really stands out to me because I always feel like the girl on the right. I have pics that remind me of this.

Thinspo post...

I'm just going to post thinspo. I've been meaning to do this for a while.




















This one is from the facebook group "I want to be a thinspo!" Just saying because it really stuck out to me.



I looove legs like that.



This one might not be completely new, but it's always been one of my favorites. I just don't like the whole scene girl look thing... but her thighs are amazing.









She looks like a doll...






I Want That Skirt!!! <3 So pretty.









Her legs, please.

nothingness

I'm feeling so.. unproductive and unbeautiful. I'm shirking my responsibilities, as a student, a girlfriend, a daughter, and a human being... not to mention as someone who cares about their weight...

Has anyone ever read that children's book, I think it's about this kid who learns what his teacher does after school and how she's a person and all that; but he thought she just sort of ceased to exist when he wasn't in class. Like she was a robot.

That's kind of what I do. When someone doesn't call on me, I go back to my box, the living room, and pace and watch tv and go on the internet and occasionally fuss over the dogs. I don't do housework, I don't have a job, I don't write in my blog like I should be doing at the bare minimum... I fulfill none of my obligations as a human being.

I live a truly pathetic life; that's only slightly less pathetic because I have my boyfriend. He makes me feel like I have some worth...sometimes.

I guess I have nothing real to complain about him... nothing new at least. We had an argument the other night because of some stupid hippy chick who doesn't wear a bra. He says he wasn't looking... We've been through all this before. I think it was gross... but my boyfriend says stupid things. He said he noticed but didn't ogle... I know he looked; but I can accept it as not such a big deal. It's hard to explain what went wrong there... I mean YES, it bothers me that he looked. . .more than once. I believe it wasn't really lust or anything. It was a spectacle. She was fairly (not hugely, but still) large breasted and it was chilly... and she's got huge nipples. So it was waaaay out there.

I said it was gross. He Disagreed. How stupid is my boyfriend?
He was mad at me for being mad at him. I ended up going home early. I didn't really want to.

Today I wanted to forget all about it... but he hurt his back somehow and I couldn't even get the cuddling I wanted and needed because he was in pain. I fussed over him. Looked up stuff online about lower back pain and had him lie on the floor with his feet propped up.

I'm not mad at him; I mean he's a bitch to fight with and he tends to think he's smarter than me..or at least that's the impression I get...but both of those things are to be expected. How you act in an argument is a reflection of your personality; and I generally just let him do all the thinking. Hell, I make him do all the thinking.

It occurs to me that if I weren't addicted to oxytocin (the chemical you emit when you're being affectionate) we probably would have broken up ages ago.

I'm a fetus. I think about that phrase sometimes. It suits me. A womb. warm all the time. never hungry. small. invisible to everyone, but known of and celebrated.

Does that make sense? Just being warm...and thoughtless...not worrying about anything at all.

I don't want to die, I just sometimes wish I were never born.

And when I get like this, it's stressful too. Partly because I know I should be doing things. Like..trying to figure out what the hell is going on with my financial aid. I don't know if I mentioned it. It's because I don't want to think about it. It terrifies me.

I always felt like my worth was my beauty and intelligence. But I don't feel that smart anymore, and I really don't think there's anyone in the world who really finds me beautiful.

-_-







Sometimes I flat out say to my boyfriend "tell me I'm thin and pretty"
I make my boyfriend lie to me.
I'm sick.

I insult myself, but I'm really kind of numb to it. Though I have heaps of things I'm stressed about and heaps of things I don't want to lose, I find that I can't be bothered to do jack shit to help myself.

feeling sugar sick since sunday afternoon...

I ate so much pure junk on Sunday. My aunt decided to make father's day a get-together kind of thing. My beau was invited. She's very...as my beau described it: "Food is love." So, yeah - we were all stuffed to the gills. I'm too embarrassed to say how many calories I actually ate. I think you'd have to be an athletic 15 year old boy to not gain from it though. Anyways, it all just made me feel sick, and I was exhausted all day anyway from having to wake up early [for me] two days in a row.

Anyways, it wasn't all bad. Socially it was a pleasant day.

Spent today with my beau, watching X-men. Nothing major happened. Just some much-needed snuggling. I always get annoyed when I see a fake redhead though, especially when they're trying to pass them off as a pleasant character in a film.

Okay. I also wanted to mention that I pretty much have my boyfriend taking food away from me. He says it's a little disturbing. I told him it's for the better. I could take it back if I wanted, but it really gives me a second chance to consider how much I've been eating. I actually recommend training your boyfriends to do the same. lol - it wasn't hard, I just started saying "take this away from me" and now he does it without my saying. He understands that sometimes once I've gotten started I can't stop myself.

Was there anything else? Yes. Pickles. Pickles are salty crunchy and tastey. I had no idea how good they were for cravings.

Anyways...to end on a high note

Check out her hip bones - they look razor sharp.


and tiny thighs

I felt like if I sneezed, I'd lose my soul.

I'm exausted. Today was a big day. Basically I had to get up at a reasonable hour today to go on a family picnic. I ate a lot of potato salad... It was delicious, but seeing as I saw my dad make the stuff it's miraculous I could stomach it. Jeez, he used like half a tub of mayonnaise on that. >_< Yeah. My biggest mistake was the fudge-striped shortbread cookies. I didn't go too overboard...but it shouldn't have happened. I did better at resisting my beau's junk food than usual. He's quite well stocked.

Running around with a five year old nephew made for okay exercise. He wore me out.

Then I had a group thing. It involved a skinny girl. I try to make my beau think everyone thinner than me has an eating disorder. That's messed up, isn't it? I casually mentioned to him after we left her that the biggest reason women take up smoking is because it's an appetite suppressant.
She has lost weight, though. She came in with a friend a year ago, and she was never fat but she was fat in comparison. Now? She's a twig.

I also managed to tell him some fairly depressing thoughts I have.

First of all, I told him that when I think he thinks a woman is more beautiful than me, it makes me feel worthless - like it wouldn't matter if I died, because there's nothing special about me and I could easily be replaced - traded up, even. I've been trying to be more understanding...thinking of his just-looking as a reflex they can't control as prettywreck suggested. I do think I'm less paranoid about that in particular. But that doesn't get that fear out of my head, that he's looking at someone who IS prettier than me and thinking they they ARE prettier than me. Go figure. -_-

I also told him that after he called, from the store, where he and this skinny girl were picking up snacks for an event, I got suddenly very depressed. This intense sad feeling. And...I thought I felt like I had to sneeze. And I felt like if I sneezed that my soul would escape. It sounds silly, but that's what it really felt like. I thought about it, and I don't think it was really a sneeze feeling. I think it was an about-to-cry feeling. For some reason, they felt a lot alike. Have you heard the origin of "god bless you;" that people actually used to believe a sneeze was the soul trying to escape? I always thought that was silly. Maybe it started with a similar feeling.

My beau told me I could probably get medicated in five minutes with that story, and that I should probably talk to someone.

Meh. It felt good anyway.

I gotta think sometimes about how obvious it is that I'm jealous. The way I squeeze in next to my boyfriend whenever there's a pretty girl around. The fact that I pinch and whisper to him. Sometimes he whispers back too loudly, but I don't know if I can really complain in that department. I think about how awkward it is that when I'm around a girl with my beau when I don't want to talk to her but I sit between her and my beau anyway. Ahh, the quiet on the train today. So awkward. I'm almost sadistic about it. I don't hate that girl. She's pretty cool. But around my beau, every woman under 160lbs becomes a target for ridicule the moment I'm out of earshot.

I kind of hate myself for it, but it feels necessary to me. I know better. I do. but I can't let my beau walk away without realizing some girl's many many faults. Even if I have nothing to say but "skank" about a complete stranger.

If I met a girl who looked just like me, I'd say she looked fat and pimply, that her nose was freaking huge, and that she had chunky legs. I know I would. I'd make my boyfriend agree, too.

Anyways, I borrowed this from a facebook friend's thinspo album:

It spoke to me.

So what does one eat while camping??

I wanna thank PrettyWreck for her epic comment on my last post explaining men. lol. I've heard that it's natural and normal for guys to look. But you explain it better than my beau. His explanation of "They're just THERE" was never really good enough.

It still bugs me. I know it's not healthy. But every time we're in the vicinity of a girl thinner than me, clear skinned, big boobed - any of the above, I worry he'll realize any of them would be lucky to date him. I just want to snatch him up and run away from that situation, off somewhere we can be alone and snuggle.

..................

Calorie wise... Things have been.. not so good. But my period's over. Situational eating is the problem lately. I'm pretty disgusted with myself right now. I think I've gained. I'm reluctant to accept that it's anything but water weight from my period. I don't even want to say. I don't think my thighs have grown - they're what I'm watching. They still barely touch. I want them to shrink, but I'm not being proactive at all with the skinny-making. Maybe I've been too busy and stressed lately.

I'll probably end up eating scarcely when I go camping in July. For a week. The food available will probably be...What *does* someone generally eat on a camping trip with no electricity? In any case, the people who'll likely be in charge of food are the kind of people with the "god made dirt and dirt don't hurt" philosophy... so I might end up pretty grossed out by anything they make.

That's really the biggest thing I have to look forward to. Pretty exciting.

I looked for thinspo in the woods in image google... searched a bunch of different word combinations. I can't find any thin-enough women that aren't pornographic. Which is unfortunate..

So instead I'll post a pic or two of the girl from the movie 21: Kate Bosworth. Watched that with my beau tonight. While the characters were counting cards I was counting the ribs in her chest. Some pictures of the actress:


^From the movie


< SKINNY legs O_O do want.


^ Holy Crap, is that one real??

...but I love LiLo

This weekend has been stuffed full of walking, and enough food for a normal healthy human being. I guess that's nothing to be ashamed of. I've at least been distracted from my failures. The only *really* awful thing I've eaten this weekend is a large strawberry triple thick milkshake from McDonald's. I drank most of it. There was a little help from my boyfriend. And eventually I just couldn't stomach the stuff. Yeah, I stuffed myself sick with all the wrong food. I won't get too far into the failure of that evening.

I've decided most of my poor choices are absent minded. I get myself food - and I eat until it's gone. I always have to finish what I start. It's...a poor choice.

Had a couple more unhappy moments with my boyfriend this weekend. He said something along the lines of having considered breaking up with me because he makes me miserable. I guess it could be interpreted that way. I wouldn't be able to function without him, though. But basically he was staring at this chicks boobs... yeah, that's how it goes. I caught him, he got mad, I started putting myself down. Every time I feel like I'm not perfect to him, I want to die. It sounds dramatic. It always passes. It's awful, though. I'm not even sure what happened. Sometime today he got all sweet again and said he'd never leave me.

I don't want him to leave me.

I don't even know what's going on.

Oh...and apparently I'm not getting financial aid.. I don't even want to think about that right now. It's totally out of the blue and if I can't appeal I'm getting a job. I guess I should get a job anyway. Thankfully I go to a relatively cheap school, though tuition is rising. :[

Anyways, I'm posting some thinspo because I feel like my posts have been weak lately.








Lohan looks amazing in those pics, doesn't she?? I *love* that girl.

Unattainable Grace.

The fail is that I ate like a professional football player Saturday. I'd had a fight with my boyfriend the day before, and it's right around pms time so I... yeah, I tried to keep count but I think it was around 2500 calories. I ate so much my stomach ached. I couldn't stop myself. It was... a weird experience. Never has self control been so...difficult. I wanted to stop, but it was like I had to taste everything in the kitchen.

I failed yesterday, too - but it was weird. I ate about half a bag of tostidos and a bunch of m&ms with my boyfriend. This mindless, almost tasteless intake of food.

I'm less upset about yesterday because I had an argument with my dad. Which...completely made me laugh, because he told me I couldn't get a ride to my boyfriend's apartment, or from. Said I could take the bus. Being Sunday, the bus schedule sucks - however, it was a pleasant day and I coordinated with my boyfriend to meet at a corner that's probably about the same distance from my house and his mother's house, so we walked together. Then later at night, I sent my parents texts asking for a ride. Buses don't go by his house past six pm.

Nothin'

So, basically I spent the night at my boyfriend's apartment ... as punishment.
That's pretty amusing, isn't it?

I've complained before about my parents trying to control my spending the night with my boyfriend; I'm 20 and in a long term committed relationship...but when it's used as a threat? lol, it was a win-win scenerio. If they gave me a ride, I'd win. If they don't? Then I spend all night snuggling with more pleasant company.

My boyfriend was also very sweet today, called himself a bad boyfriend. We talked a little, and I'm feeling much better now. Hm... Oh, I never mentioned we had a fight.

There's a girl at this nerd meet-up thing.

The TINIEST woman I've ever seen in my life. I mentioned the asian girl, right? Yes.

Yeah, I went with him Friday.

She was...gorgeous, and so fucking tiny. She was short, but skinny. Super skinny. She was dressed in baggy clothes, but I damn near dropped dead when I saw her get out of her car. She must be 70lbs..Hell, given how short she was, maybe less. I was so discouraged I cried about it later. I didn't even start the fight with him, though, after I asked if we could leave. I was... unresponsive. He got frustrated. I was probably talking about how tiny she was a lot, and he told me to stop. We got some chinese food. Chicken and broccoli shouldn't be that greasy...but I ate all of it. God, I've probably been on a binge since Friday night.

Things are calming down. Usually a thin woman is thinspo. and it's true, while I was at that nerd meet-up I didn't eat a damn thing. The moment I left though... Well, I had reeses cups in my purse.

I managed to give some to my boyfriend, and I only had five with me. It started slow. I might have had two.
but yeah..it peaked Saturday.

She was sooo discouraging. I KNEW that I could never be as pretty as her. I knew my boyfriend would be seeing her every Friday night. I know he thinks she's pretty. and I KNOW that I would die long before I ever got to looking like her. It's Just. Not. Fair. I started to think about how ceasing to exist wouldn't be so bad. She put my mind in the absolutely worst place. You know what her name was? Grace. Unattainable Grace. She had such tiny fingers too, picking apart that scone. Scones are tastey, but they're not safe. She ate it like she had no appetite, like it was just food, and didn't matter at all.

The best I can do is going without.
but if I get it...
I inhale it. I lust for it.

It just wasn't fair. I wanted to die. I really wanted to die.

.............

Anyways, I keep daydreaming about two things...moving in with my boyfriend, and an elliptical. Hmm.. Both are probably easily attainable, but getting a job and moving scare me.

Okay, to make this entry worthwhile, I'll post a little elliptical thinspo.

Sorry if the entry has been scattered.



Oh, PS: My thinspo video has 102 views ^_^ That's some win in an ocean of fail.

I made a thinspo video!

The following is text from the more info side-bar.

Why yellow? It's a motivating color.

I'm very pleased with the way this came out. The music is entrancing, isn't it? It's a remix of a song called "figure" by a band named Core, and it's creative commons. http://www.archive.org/details/exp042 It's found here.

not all of the girls are typical thinspo, but I got on a roll, what can I say? They're all beautiful.

Want the images? I uploaded them to a site in a zip folder, I hope the link works for you :) let me know!

http://uploading.com/files/H8NLJ6UB/yellow.zip.html

falling asleep, but giving you some fun stuff ^_^

My boyfriend and I took some pics today, playing with his camera. Gawd, I have an awful face. My skin...the angles...but that's not the point. That's got my self esteem down, but the pics reminded me that I have a long way to go.

I'm slowly losing weight. Slowly, but surely. I won't complain unless I gain or totally plateau, I guess.

One thing I don't understand, though, is that I get protein, I exercise a bunch, I'm losing weight - and I seem to be getting squishier. I kind of think maybe the fat is softening up before it goes away. It makes sense in my head, but I've never heard any science to make that not sound stupid. But yeah...I'm really really squishy.

Anyways, I found some amazing exercise videos. My trouble areas, as you may have seen, are my hips and thighs and butt and legs...lol - all of that. Hell, even my calves are fat. I don't understand it, I just have really thick legs and always have.

This girl is amazing. If you look up "inner thigh workouts" on youtube, you get a ton of her videos. This one is one of my favorites - I just tried it a couple nights ago. It feels amazing.



This one looks like torture - Haven't tried it, but must...



I didn't own an exercise ball, but I can balance myself on something else, right?


lol, I started falling asleep on the couch writing this. I guess I don't have much else to say.
Suppose I could add that I've been watching "The Nanny" on Nick at night, I show I used to love as a kid, but never before did I realize how skinny the leading women are. Gorgeous, thin women.

and a bonus...

THINSPO

lol, I've been finding great links all over the place. Check my twitter, I usually post them. There's a ton of proana twitters, too - just check who I'm following. haha, I genuinely don't mean to whore my twitter, I just genuinely love it.

Summer Challenge week two.

1. I've stated before that I want a gap between my thighs...I'm almost there. My hips are still a nightmare, but go figure. One goal at a time, I suppose. It'll have to be more of a gap than just not touching, though. I can still feel it when I'm walking.... hmm, I want hip-bones too now that I think about it. They're sort of there.

2.
Things I have noticed since losing weight/restricting:
-My body works better. When I eat something, I notice it's effects on my body. When I eat carbs, I have more energy. You don't get that feeling when you eat whatever/whenever.
-I can't sleep with food in my stomach anymore, so I don't worry too much about eating at night because I can't rationalize it. I just don't want to, because I know it'll make it hard for me to sleep.
-I'm lighter. Seems obvious, but my boyfriend picked me up and carried my around the bus-stop the other day and I was less terrified then I used to be.... I feel like he won't drop me.
-I'm more mellow than I used to be. I used to be more of a spaz, but for some reason eating less calms me down. I can be around people. I feel like people don't automatically wonder what mental disorder or learning disability I have...they have to know me a while.
-furthermore, in relation to that, I feel less self-conscious around pretty girls. As long as I'm comparably skinny I feel less anxious.
-I can exercise longer - - and I jiggle less doing it.

:)

I want to apologize, I feel like I was annoyingly critical of myself when I posted my last entry. I was just freaking out a little bit because it's not everyday I post a picture of myself in my underwear on the internet. I know we all think like that sometimes, but I overreacted.

I also want to thank everyone who said nice things to me ^_^ You girls rock.

I was 129 when I stepped on the scale this morning. I'm kind of impressed with myself, I don't usually lose that quickly - lol, but I don't know ... maybe I was just dehydrated. Or maybe it's cycle related, my period is ending.

Pigged out with my boyfriend today again. I ended up eating like half a bag of smartfood popcorn and 4 cookies. :[ I never would have gotten the cookies on my own...and there's a reason I should avoid popcorn. It's healthy in moderation, but I can't control myself. The popcorn...it's like I have one piece...and then another...and then another. It's addictive. I keep going. I only stopped because I was full...and not immediately either.
I HATE the way full feels.

Anyways, I don't see myself eating anything else tonight. Just lots and lots of water.

...

Was watching TV tonight. Commercials are downright cruel to middle aged women. Or even just women over thirty. It's scary - I think thirty is a beautiful age, but when I get there society is going to treat me like I'm past some expiration date. That's what I anticipate. Just thirty years ago, things weren't so bad. On the old star trek, all the love interests of Kirk's, or as my boyfriend calls them, "the ass," were curvy, and the right age for the crew members. That means thirty five and up, and not scrawny.
I mean, popular culture is so ... wrong
There was a commercial for wal-mart featuring a woman I consider to be thin...she was looking at her swimsuit, and then they narrated how great their prices on diet pills are.
You know that's just manipulative. Diet pills are for women more than ten pounds overweight, or at least that's what a doctor would say. But on television, we're constantly being made to feel not good enough.
Don't get me wrong, I'm totally against blaming the media for things like eating disorders, but the world would be a better place without shamelessly advertising diet pills to healthy women...It just pissed me off. Jeez, a week at the gym would have her toned - if she wasn't already, goddamnit, she was one of those house-wife models you see in all the domestic commercials. They're not fashion models, but they're never fat.

Okay. I need to pace. Or comment. I'll do both, I don't know what order.

Okay, gross ~_~

My Summer Challenge "before" pic.
Okay, that's even worse than I expected it to be. It's a bad angle, but that seems like an excuse. I guess I knew my hips were a nightmare, but that's just disgusting. I apologize if this disappoints some people, I think it might.
On the bright side, that's a real motivator. WOW is that a real motivator. If I don't have slimmer hips by the end of the challenge, you have my permission to stop following me. I really don't deserve followers.
It's gimped, but only for modesty and anonymity.
Okay, so what did I want to blog about? Besides my monstrous thighs.
I guess I could share a couple links I thought were motivating.

Lily Cole and Mary-Kate thinspo. Seriously good stuff O_O

You've probably heard all of these tips, but it's thinspirational to read them, I think.

So far today I've had less than 800 calories.

I haven't worked out, but I will.

I don't know if the image will stay up...If it goes down it'll probably happen when I post my next entry.

I'm not exactly articulate, tonight, am I? Wasted some thoughts on twitter, perhaps.
And I'm nervous. Terrified to hit "publish."

Summer Challenge :)

:) You win, PrettyWreck, I'm joining the challenge ^_^
and thanks to skinnylove too for the encouragement :D

Age: 20
Current Weight: 131
Goal Weight Loss: Unsure. Under 130. I want my thighs to not touch. It's actually a small goal, but I'm still feeling out the atmosphere for that sort of thing. Besides, that's a big landmark, seeing as I'm currently at my lowest weight.
Personal Goal: Engage in one of the nerdy projects my boyfriend wants to do with me.
Biggest Challenges: I binge with my boyfriend. My dad brings home ttonnss of junk food.

No pics yet. Tomorrow maybe - Want to use my boyfriend's camera, could be tricky.

Question For Week #1
HOLY SHIT! YOU CAUGHT A LEPRECHAUN!
Instead of gold, he gives you a choice. You can either:
A) Be forever the weight of your dreams, and never have to worry about gaining a pound.
or
B) Be the richest person in the world, and your money will never run out

What do you choose?
A!! I don't want to be the richest woman in the world. Too many obligations and responsibilities. My boyfriend would think that's crazy, but I want to be middle class - and skinny....but if any of you girls got choice B I'd be completely willing to accept a few thousand dollars to pay my parents' and boyfriend's debts, and get my beau and I an apartment :)

I'm rather excited about this - I've never done a challenge. But this one seems less restrictive and others, and seeing as I have no real say in the groceries that come into my house, and am constantly wandering the city with my boyfriend, I don't have too much flexibility with what I have to eat. I just have to aim for a low calorie count.

Okay. There are a couple things I wanted to mention in this post. Like when I was at the coffee shop, and this gorgeous skinny girl with dark circles around her eyes watched me eat half a chicken focaccia sandwich...I think she saw me reading blogs, too. Had my computer turned away from my beau. She was probably thinking...What a wannarexic.
Wannarexic: pretty much a wanna-be anorexic. I'm sure everyone knows what one is...
I learned that word the other day, mentioned in a really fascinating debate on a forum I frequent in a thread about proana websites. I'd love to share that link with you, but I really can't...what with the potentiality of linking it to another username someone might recognize.
Basically there are a lot of girls who were former anorexics/bulimics who've decided that these sites are inherently bad. Others said that they were the only things giving them a support network, and kept them from killing themselves. I see things as the latter. But I can see how turning against the sites could help the temptation to visit, and trigger... It's a pretty heated argument.

Okay, I'll keep you posted. I've been stuck at this weight for a while now, I'm going to try harder ^_^ I'd like to show SOME progress for the challenge. Great motivation.

I'm also becoming increasingly obsessed with twitter - I suggest to check out my twitter feed, I have in on my blog if you don't want to have twitter, but if you do have twitter follow me and some of the really helpful girls I'm following. http://twitter.com/DepthPerfection
Twitter might also serve as a pretty good prelude to my blogs. lol - if you start jonesin' for a Depth Perfection update.

A few things.

I actually didn't eat an obscene amount today. I'm reluctant to say that though, because I tend to falter when I think I'm doing most well. Getting back to you girls makes me feel a lot better. I like being done with school; apart from the obvious reasons, I'm feeling free and motivated again. I feel like I'm going to lose weight again. Good. I want to have a bmi under twenty. That's my next goal, after I hit under 130 on the scale I mean.

I love my ana blog. It gives me structure, something I've always lacked in my life. Yes, I have a tendency to shirk responsibility like one would avoid the plague, but it makes me productive. I know what you're thinking...I should get a job. I keep thinking that more and more lately, too. My boyfriend wants to move out of his current apartment, but it's all he can afford right now. Granted, his female roommate is excellent thinspo, but you can see why I don't protest. All they share is the kitchen, but the girl eats...believe it or not.

I realized one of the reasons I love reading your blogs is because it makes me feel like I'm behind the scenes. It makes me feel like a human, relating to other humans. It sounds fairly obvious, but it's an odd, warming feeling to me. Humanity.

I tend to have this mindset, this cynical mindset that makes me feel like no one wants to be my friend. That there's something inherently unwanted about me that makes me unlikable. In fact, even hate-able. Seriously - When I close my eyes when someone walks by me in the hall, I have the sensation like they're going to punch me. Attack me in some way. My boyfriend is the only one that doesn't give me that feeling.

Anyways, I'm sure I'll end up seeing the star trek movie at some point. Which is awesome. My boyfriend's been making me watch the original series. One of you girls mentioned the New Uhura being total thinspo. I forgot who.. you can claim credit in the comments, lol. Anyways, I actually don't like it. That this Uhura is so skinny. I was really happy with the old Uhura being bigger than me. I like that she was a sex symbol for that. Times have changed, but there's such a difference between the two photos below...



It was comforting that she was considered attractive. Does anyone know what I mean? It makes me feel a little superior to a woman widely considered beautiful. I have nothing on the new Uhura. -_- My nerd boyfriend will leave me. Not really...but you understand the sentiment.

Anyways, I'll leave you with another picture some of you might appreciate, perhaps you've seen it before. I hadn't, but I don't really follow Nicole Richie.



Love it ? Combination Celebrity/Ballet thinspo. lol :)

Love you girls, you're amazing. Stay strong, stay beautiful.

Found a cool picture...and update

Found this pic scanning through Xanga sites

It just made me stop and look at it, because I've felt that exact same way before. Looking at myself in the mirror... grabbing a handful of fat and just thinking about how nice it would be if I could just cut it off. Not literally... but you know.

It just struck a chord with me.

Anyways, my school concerns are just about over. Not completely, though. I'm still extremely concerned for my TAP award. At least everything is in. The exams are over. There's nothing left to do now but wait and see how I did.

Which means I should be able to return to my blogging, like a good girl.

Admittedly, I'm reluctant. I shouldn't be, but I'm ashamed of the way I've been eating. I hit my goal weight at some point. I've gained a couple pounds since then. Not a lot...but enough that I know what a fat failure I've been.

Every time I screw up I tell myself that it's just a break to get my metabolism going strong. I guess it works...but I always overshoot. You know what I mean? I know it's healthy to try to eat normal every once and a while, but...I eat the wrong things. I go for pure crap. Chocolate, fried foods, microwave breakfast sandwiches. I guess I could blame it on PMS, but it feels like just another excuse.

I usually lose weight in the summer, though. Warm weather is here, and my beau and I will probably be walking places more, and I'll have more incentive to not curl up under three warm blankets when I should be exercising, in the time I have alone.

I've noticed that when my mother upsets me...it makes me not want to eat. I would hate to say she has any kind of control over me, but it makes me wonder. I really. Really. Hate my mother today.

My dad gave me $20 to get her a gift.

I really have nothing to say to that...I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know... I want to get her a card that just says "FUCK YOU BITCH" but the last thing I want to do is give her one more reason to think my life revolves around making her miserable. It's really the other way around... She's a horrible person.

Ever had anyone laugh at you when you were upset? She does that...ALL the time. She laughs at all of my feelings. I get more upset, she gets colder. She tells me I'm worthless. Lazy. She called me an idiot today. I wish I could explain the reason for the fight, but it's disgusting to me, and i don't want to talk about it.



Here's a piece of thinspo I found online today. I rarely find a piece that really speaks to me, but for some reason - this picture motivates me.

Oh, and I drank a 2 liter of diet pepsi. lol - I don't know whether to be proud or not.