Sunday, June 21, 2009

I felt like if I sneezed, I'd lose my soul.

I'm exausted. Today was a big day. Basically I had to get up at a reasonable hour today to go on a family picnic. I ate a lot of potato salad... It was delicious, but seeing as I saw my dad make the stuff it's miraculous I could stomach it. Jeez, he used like half a tub of mayonnaise on that. >_< Yeah. My biggest mistake was the fudge-striped shortbread cookies. I didn't go too overboard...but it shouldn't have happened. I did better at resisting my beau's junk food than usual. He's quite well stocked.

Running around with a five year old nephew made for okay exercise. He wore me out.

Then I had a group thing. It involved a skinny girl. I try to make my beau think everyone thinner than me has an eating disorder. That's messed up, isn't it? I casually mentioned to him after we left her that the biggest reason women take up smoking is because it's an appetite suppressant.
She has lost weight, though. She came in with a friend a year ago, and she was never fat but she was fat in comparison. Now? She's a twig.

I also managed to tell him some fairly depressing thoughts I have.

First of all, I told him that when I think he thinks a woman is more beautiful than me, it makes me feel worthless - like it wouldn't matter if I died, because there's nothing special about me and I could easily be replaced - traded up, even. I've been trying to be more understanding...thinking of his just-looking as a reflex they can't control as prettywreck suggested. I do think I'm less paranoid about that in particular. But that doesn't get that fear out of my head, that he's looking at someone who IS prettier than me and thinking they they ARE prettier than me. Go figure. -_-

I also told him that after he called, from the store, where he and this skinny girl were picking up snacks for an event, I got suddenly very depressed. This intense sad feeling. And...I thought I felt like I had to sneeze. And I felt like if I sneezed that my soul would escape. It sounds silly, but that's what it really felt like. I thought about it, and I don't think it was really a sneeze feeling. I think it was an about-to-cry feeling. For some reason, they felt a lot alike. Have you heard the origin of "god bless you;" that people actually used to believe a sneeze was the soul trying to escape? I always thought that was silly. Maybe it started with a similar feeling.

My beau told me I could probably get medicated in five minutes with that story, and that I should probably talk to someone.

Meh. It felt good anyway.

I gotta think sometimes about how obvious it is that I'm jealous. The way I squeeze in next to my boyfriend whenever there's a pretty girl around. The fact that I pinch and whisper to him. Sometimes he whispers back too loudly, but I don't know if I can really complain in that department. I think about how awkward it is that when I'm around a girl with my beau when I don't want to talk to her but I sit between her and my beau anyway. Ahh, the quiet on the train today. So awkward. I'm almost sadistic about it. I don't hate that girl. She's pretty cool. But around my beau, every woman under 160lbs becomes a target for ridicule the moment I'm out of earshot.

I kind of hate myself for it, but it feels necessary to me. I know better. I do. but I can't let my beau walk away without realizing some girl's many many faults. Even if I have nothing to say but "skank" about a complete stranger.

If I met a girl who looked just like me, I'd say she looked fat and pimply, that her nose was freaking huge, and that she had chunky legs. I know I would. I'd make my boyfriend agree, too.

Anyways, I borrowed this from a facebook friend's thinspo album:

It spoke to me.


  1. aww. i do the same thing. like my boyfriend and i go to the beach a lot and theres always skinny girls and they walk by lik "oh look at me im so pretty and thin" and after they pass by im like "skank"
    lol. idk if it bothers him or not though...
    but hey, if he really wanted a smaller girl, he wouldn't have picked you. maybe theres something about you that he loves so much that he doesnt even notice that you think your fat. maybe all he sees is whats inside.
    and i know it would feel better if you felt better about yourself too, but thats part of being a girl i think...
    we all get jealous, its natural.
    stay strong!

  2. First off just let me say I love reading your blog, it's so well written.

    You need to do what me and my girlfriend did, you have to just accept that there are better looking girls than you and he's gonna have to accept that there are better looking guys. Me and my girlfriend have an agreement, if someone hot walks past us, whether its a boy or a girl, we'll be like "wow, they're hot!" point trying to deny it or look away. If someone hot walks past him, let him look (cause I promise he's looking out of the corner of his eye anyway)....after all, ur the girl he's got his arm around :) . Think of it like this, ur guy just likes how they look, but they are emotionally hollow. They don't have a personality to him. They are just like a nice picture or a wonderful sunset - fabulous to look at, but that's it.

    Crazy how differently girls and guys think - if we pass a guy who is better looking than ourselves, who has huge muscles and a hot girl we just think to ourselves "lucky bastard! Good on ya mate". And then we do the 'head nod' may have seen guys do this to other guys, it's basically a way of saying silently to the other guy - "Well done sir, she's hot!!"..

  3. We have the same thoughts. I feel just like that...