Monday, June 1, 2009

Unattainable Grace.

The fail is that I ate like a professional football player Saturday. I'd had a fight with my boyfriend the day before, and it's right around pms time so I... yeah, I tried to keep count but I think it was around 2500 calories. I ate so much my stomach ached. I couldn't stop myself. It was... a weird experience. Never has self control been so...difficult. I wanted to stop, but it was like I had to taste everything in the kitchen.

I failed yesterday, too - but it was weird. I ate about half a bag of tostidos and a bunch of m&ms with my boyfriend. This mindless, almost tasteless intake of food.

I'm less upset about yesterday because I had an argument with my dad. Which...completely made me laugh, because he told me I couldn't get a ride to my boyfriend's apartment, or from. Said I could take the bus. Being Sunday, the bus schedule sucks - however, it was a pleasant day and I coordinated with my boyfriend to meet at a corner that's probably about the same distance from my house and his mother's house, so we walked together. Then later at night, I sent my parents texts asking for a ride. Buses don't go by his house past six pm.


So, basically I spent the night at my boyfriend's apartment ... as punishment.
That's pretty amusing, isn't it?

I've complained before about my parents trying to control my spending the night with my boyfriend; I'm 20 and in a long term committed relationship...but when it's used as a threat? lol, it was a win-win scenerio. If they gave me a ride, I'd win. If they don't? Then I spend all night snuggling with more pleasant company.

My boyfriend was also very sweet today, called himself a bad boyfriend. We talked a little, and I'm feeling much better now. Hm... Oh, I never mentioned we had a fight.

There's a girl at this nerd meet-up thing.

The TINIEST woman I've ever seen in my life. I mentioned the asian girl, right? Yes.

Yeah, I went with him Friday.

She was...gorgeous, and so fucking tiny. She was short, but skinny. Super skinny. She was dressed in baggy clothes, but I damn near dropped dead when I saw her get out of her car. She must be 70lbs..Hell, given how short she was, maybe less. I was so discouraged I cried about it later. I didn't even start the fight with him, though, after I asked if we could leave. I was... unresponsive. He got frustrated. I was probably talking about how tiny she was a lot, and he told me to stop. We got some chinese food. Chicken and broccoli shouldn't be that greasy...but I ate all of it. God, I've probably been on a binge since Friday night.

Things are calming down. Usually a thin woman is thinspo. and it's true, while I was at that nerd meet-up I didn't eat a damn thing. The moment I left though... Well, I had reeses cups in my purse.

I managed to give some to my boyfriend, and I only had five with me. It started slow. I might have had two.
but peaked Saturday.

She was sooo discouraging. I KNEW that I could never be as pretty as her. I knew my boyfriend would be seeing her every Friday night. I know he thinks she's pretty. and I KNOW that I would die long before I ever got to looking like her. It's Just. Not. Fair. I started to think about how ceasing to exist wouldn't be so bad. She put my mind in the absolutely worst place. You know what her name was? Grace. Unattainable Grace. She had such tiny fingers too, picking apart that scone. Scones are tastey, but they're not safe. She ate it like she had no appetite, like it was just food, and didn't matter at all.

The best I can do is going without.
but if I get it...
I inhale it. I lust for it.

It just wasn't fair. I wanted to die. I really wanted to die.


Anyways, I keep daydreaming about two things...moving in with my boyfriend, and an elliptical. Hmm.. Both are probably easily attainable, but getting a job and moving scare me.

Okay, to make this entry worthwhile, I'll post a little elliptical thinspo.

Sorry if the entry has been scattered.

Oh, PS: My thinspo video has 102 views ^_^ That's some win in an ocean of fail.


  1. I was headed for a binge until I watched your video. Thank you for making videos like that. I need them sometimes.

  2. Yuckalicious. You know she was probably picking apart that scone in a deliberate and exhibitionist way, trying to be all cute and seductive. Like those really really skinny gorgeous girls you see who stand around coolly sipping full strength coke and acting like they don't care. When you know it's all they're having today.

    I had to do a talk on anorexia for uni last year, and there are these two itsy bitsy teensy super pretty little asian girls in my class. And they know it. They sat at the front of the audience during my oral, smiling and giggling together while sharing a big block of chocolate back and forth between them the whole time I was talking. Like they'd heard I had to do this anorexia oral so they used the opportunity to try and prove something. But it was such a deliberate farce. Ugh, whores!

  3. I totally know how that is, with that asian girl. My boyfriend is attracted to tall, thin blondes. I'm short, black hair, and average size. He's cheated on me obviously. Hopefully your boyfriend is better than mine!

    Oh- and you're 20! your parents need to lay off. I hope things get better.

  4. I just got back from living in Shanghai for 6 me if someone knows about being a fat girl surrounded by asians it's ME lol! I think that's what helped me drop my weight..being surrounded by them all the time I always felt huge!

  5. Usually a thin woman is thinspo.

    true statement but i find asian women aren't thinspo for me because most are genetically tiny and small, were born like that... and no matter how hard i try i can't shrink my bones or structure...