Last Year's Resolutions, new Resolutions?

Get a Job <- Yes!

Cut my hair <- Nope...

Be more open towards my boyfriend's friends (why not?) <- I got drunk at the New Year's Party. I guess that's a yes?

Try not to scare off strangers who might be my friends <- I've been doing okay at not being scary, I think.

I will be in bed by 3AM on school days (yes, that's an improvement) <- Not really

Be 120lbs (or less - underweight starts at <118) <- ...pass

Get a social hobby.

->by that I mean something that involves a club or group or talking to people regularly

Learn a skill - may likely be combined with the previous resolution.

<- I do go to a sort of club once a week to chit-chat. Always with my boyfriend. I don't think I would go alone, but I do enjoy it.

Now... What about this year? Honestly I haven't put a ton of thought into my resolutions this year. I have no motivation.

A few things I do know...

I'd like to move in with my boyfriend

Graduate college

Get a better job than I have

TRY again with my weight. Do SOMETHING

It sounds so stupid, I know. I'm not trying. The retail job is helping, but it leaves me too tired for constructive exercise at the end of the day. It leaves my feet sore. It robs me of sleep. It's not going to be the right thing for me in the long run.

I haven't really told you much about the job... I didn't tell you when I got it. I started Black Friday. It was going to be seasonal work, but they hired me. It's part time and minimum wage - I'm spending the money as fast as I'm spending it. The commute takes like an hour or more, because of buses and wait time. It's really not the best thing for me - even if it's active and the people are nice.

Bah. I've got to go.

Jessie J - Who You Are

Just sharing a sad, but positive song. I don't think she makes a single song I don't like, though.

My parents do not protect me

Figured I owed it to you to let you know I haven't wasted away into nothingness.

A little ridiculous to think, actually. I'm quite fat right now. I'm under 140, my doom-line...but I'm close.

My boyfriend is going away for a week or so, I'm going to try to lose a few pounds.

Things are a little hellish right now.

I'm impoverished. My parents are bringing the violent retarded alcoholic over for Christmas and I'm leaving the house.

Apparently, it "has no place to go."

Bull. Shit.

But I won't get into a rant about that, because I'll go into freakout mode and cry over how much my parents don't fucking care whether or not I feel safe in my own home.

I have to leave. At least I have someplace warm to go, and I don't have to spend all night looking for a place I can walk around in for nine hours on Christmas day.

and I'll have a cat to play with.

Despite the fact that my poor defenseless dogs are going to be locked in the house with a repulsive sack of shit for like NINE HOURS.

And of course my parents will refuse to bathe them.

And I won't be able to eat anything from my fridge for a long time again, because it will be dirty.

I think I figured out why I'm so fucking pathetic.

It's learned helplessness. No matter what I do, bullshit keeps piling up. There's no money, there hasn't always been someplace to go, and there isn't always a place to go, either.

My parents do not protect me.

Gah. Off to home to pack up a few things and hide others before the filthy creature gets there.

This scares me

This woman is overcompensating for her own deprivation by letting her daughter eat anything. I'm scared the girl is going to look in the mirror and think she's chubby some day. How is she going to cope with that?

LINK

Not to totally shame her. I'm not sure what the right thing to do is. Has she tried getting real help? There's so much about this story that's disturbing.

Simple agreeing to do the article is probably a cry for help - maybe she's on the right path?

Slow.

You know what's awkward about being a psychology major?

Classes that talk about eating disorders. They all seem so basic.

I'm taking a class now, it's a 400 level course with lots of discussion. We essentially dedicated the entire class to Anorexia. I held back a lot, I could have contributed something to every statement made.

On one hand, it makes me feel not-incompetent. I have some serious issues with feeling incompetent among my peers.

On the other, it also makes me feel a little naked.

My head is filled with your blogs. I have a million anecdotes that aren't mine that fitted the individual items on the outline. I could have taught that class more thoroughly with tons of examples for everything from heritability to male motivations towards an ED.

I really love that class, though. I'm less scared of that professor than others... I'd say I'm not scared of her, but if that were true I'd have emailed her and asked her a million questions about what the hell I'm supposed to do to get into a position where I can help someone. Why don't they teach you this? It's so confusing figuring out organizational and long-term planning by myself. There are resources, but even the resources are intimidating to me at my school.

This is ridiculous, right?

Oh, that reminds me. What kind of degree do you need to work in an Eating Disorder Clinic? I don't think I want to be a doctor. Maybe later in my career. I think I do want my Masters degree.

I'm a shitty student. Not stupid, mind you - but there are differences between being smart and getting good grades. Organization, time management, and opening a book outside the library are qualities I can't even understand. I swear, sometimes it seems like time doesn't even work for me the way it does for other people.

That sounds ridiculous, but I mean I can have 20 minutes worth of things to do in 45 minutes, and no matter how important something is to me - everything drags. Nothing seems real. I'm not lazy, I'm willing to do things - they just feel like I'd doing them underwater. With studying, no matter how simple the material is (which I could absorb in a lecture, mind you) in the book, my eyes seem to glaze right over things. It's almost pointless to crack a book before a test. Almost.

Anyway. Let me know what sort of qualifications one might need to work in a clinic, if you happen to know. I know they're different by approach, and that necessary credentials will likely vary state to state - but some base with which to start putting things together will help.

I feel more vulnerable now than normal, when I post. I'm not ashamed of my emotions - but I'm normally proud of my intellect and sounding stupid is a fear of mine. I do need help, though.

A month?!

I knew I wasn't writing much, but to see it's been over a month since my last post maddens me. I guess I've been fairly busy. I'm not sure with what... but apparently busy enough to lose track of time.

This week has been particularly stressful. Lots of tests.

I've been reading a book lately. A couple really, for classes - but one in particular which I find the most engaging. Reviving Ophelia by Mary Pipher.

I actually kind of disagree with some of it. I won't go into too many details because I already talked about some of this with people I know and I'm paranoid, but one thing that stands out to me is that she said that androgynous people were the most well adjusted. I assume she didn't mean to any extreme degree. Just people who aren't terribly attached to their gender roles and do as they like rather than what's expected of them.

At first I disagreed. It's normal to want to be girly! I *want* to be girly. I never got to be girly as a younger adolescent because of the fact that I was a giant deformed monster creature stomping though the halls and there was no point in dressing myself up, because then I'd just be a pig wearing a dress.

I wasn't a well adjusted girl...

Anyway. I realized that I've always valued my femininity. I was the little girl my mother wanted. I wanted to be a ballerina when I was four, five, six, howevermany years. I loved frilly dresses and short skirts when I thought I didn't look like a [hideously pockmarked] pig in a dress. I started to experiment with makeup before middle school. I just stopped at pubery because I stopped thinking I was pretty enough to adorn.

Now that I'm less heinous to look at, I have started caring about how I look again. I have long hair (extremely), I'm obsessed with my figure (well...something), and I'm extremely interested in everything that can cover my many flaws.

Am I well adjusted?

You know what blog you're reading. You know what this is about.

Speaking of, there's apples in my house :) Yay! It also helps me eat less at home because after I have an apple, my mouth feels clean and I'm somewhat filled up. Nothing is appealing after eating an apple.

Didn't I write about them before? I looked, but I can't find them. I have lots of useful posts though! I almost forgot. I intended to compile a list of the better ones at some point and link them somewhere more permanently.

I still don't feel motivated enough to do so. It would take the slightest bit of momentum. *paws helplessly at the computer monitor for some reason*

Ooh! I left "Chobits" up in another window!

"Chiiiii?"

Avoiding social over-eating

Found this awesome video. <3 I love this chick!! I think she's pretty much my hero right this second.