Wednesday, November 25, 2009

In case you haven't seen this :]

Surviving Thanksgiving when you have an eating disorder, by MrsMenopausal

Sunday, November 22, 2009


and I got my financial aid back! :D

Now I just have to keep my grades up for next semester O_O

There is so much I'm doing wrong, here.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Thanks and thinspo

Firstly I want to thank Mango, What if summer..., Lardy Laur and Libbybee for their support on my last post.

I don't know what to say, really...

I'm at my boyfriend's mother's house petsitting while they're visiting family

She's got an exercise bike, and I spent about an hour working out yesterday. Did that for 45 minutes, some sit-ups, some small weight exercises and lots of stretching.

The bike told me I burned over 1,200 calories in that 45 minutes, but I kind of doubt it. It didn't feel like enough work to negate the whole day. I figure I at least got rid of the cookies and milk, though. So that's something, right? It might have been that the gear dial thing is broken, maybe it thought I was working way harder than I was.

:/ I wonder how many calories you burn dangling string in front of a cat for 20 minutes? lol - it at least made my arm tired.

Or walking a dog. Probably more than the string thing.

I don't think feeding the fish did much for me :P

Anyways. Enough with this nonsense.

Thinspo Time.

There's an image in this video at 1:51, of a girl on a trampoline. Soooo skinny, I was like...whoa
So keep an eye out for her, I want that pic!

Saturday, November 14, 2009

I need guidance.

I'm a wannarexic. I must be. I don't really like that word, except when I do.
Thing is, I hate my body and I hate what I eat, but I still eat like this and I still neglect my does that make me but a wannarexic?

People with eating disorders tend to be sensitive, motivated people.
I may be sensitive, but I'm not motivated by any regard. Sometimes I go through phases of motivation in certain areas of my life, like this recent school-oriented tendency of mine, but despite this occasional motivation I'm nothing but a wannabe.

My ambitions are lost. I can't make myself do this, and maybe all it takes is a little more free time but I don't have it. The holidays are more or less here. What do I do?

It might end up that I simply won't have a Thanksgiving.

Personal reasons for that. Not ED related. Not that I even have an ED, just some sort of self image issue based on my being... what exactly... lazy, fat, emotionally abused and being with someone who doesn't make me his ideal?

Yeah, all that sucks but it's not in and of itself a mental disorder. I know I have at least a few dysfunctions.

I don't know what I'm thinking or what I'm doing anymore.

I've still only been to the gym once. I've eaten so much junk today.

There's this welches stuff sitting in a cup next to me. It's got more calories than whole milk and it's sooo sweet it makes me a little sick, but I'm still drinking it. There's other ways of getting vitamin C... There's no reason that I would need it.

I don't know how to explain this behavior and it would seem like to stop it I would just have to stop everything, and I can't afford to do that right now. Calories can't be my focus, I just don't have the mental energy for this.

My weight loss focus has to be self motivated, it's not just in my head. That means I don't have an eating disorder.

So why the hell do I have a proana blog?

Maybe I should just stop it, because I do it to keep myself motivated and organize my thoughts. and isn't that wrong? Isn't that something I should be organized against? Aren't I just being exactly what every real ana girl hates?

I hate myself too.

I don't deserve you guys and I don't know what to do with myself.

Do they have a name for this?

I'm a psychology major, maybe I should make one.

Or am I just looking for validation?

I need guidance.

Tell me what a worthless ass I'm being.
Tell me I should take my fatass off the web and stop being what I hate.

Tell me to just stop being a whiney little attention whore, because that's all I've ever been.

Just because I was born to be ugly, with a complete lack of motivation. I'm retarded or something. I have no sense of lucidity in my surroundings, nothing ever feels real and I can never seem to grasp anything firmly. I follow a path absent mindedly until it ends, then I get lost.

Does that even make sense?

I need so much structure in my life to keep myself grounded. I guess right now I'm more or less running on empty with my schoolwork.


I don't know exactly what do do from here.

I guess I dump the rest of this nasty juice and try to stay away from the kitchen.

At least that's five minutes I can avoid things I really don't need.

Admittedly some of my neglect can be attributed to a pregnancy scare, but there was no real reason to suspect I might be pregnant.

...Yeah. I'm going offline for the night. love you girls, I really do. I'm sorry I'm such a failure.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

11 november sleepy brain.

Hello Pretty Ones.
Sorry I didn't update :(
awesome video, embedding disabled
This video is lovely.
I love thinspo with tATu... I love tATu in general. All their songs are perfect, the girls are perfect, and the beat is always there.

When I take a nap in school (I commute...a couple hours between classes now and again) I put tatu in my headphones. Their songs keep me in the moment. Keep distractions at bay.

I've been pretty distracted this semester. 19 credits, which is a lot, especially considering how hard all my classes are. Taking fewer next semester, but it's fairly important I do somewhat well this time around too.

Really planning on working on that weight I put on.
but I need to focus on my grades
I can't afford to lose everything now.

three exams this week, and I don't know what I'm doing
two next week.
and a paper.
I'm really looking forward to a break

I need to sleep...
My thoughts are like this entry.
segmented and short.

Thinspo isn't working on me lately.
I'm too unmotivated.
Sometimes it works a little.
Makes me want to go to the gym.
but the gym isn't happening any time soon.
I went...once.
Once. All semester.

I have worked out some at home, though.
Jumping jacks are fantastic, aren't they?
200 Really get you going.

You know what does work for me though?
Cute clothes. Looking good in cute clothes.
I really need new clothes...

I'm poor. No luck with the job search.

I'm not commenting enough.
I want a box on my profile that counts comments I write, to shame me into commenting more.

I hope to blog more during Fall Recess. It's short, though.

I give up on thinking for now.