Saturday, September 26, 2009

My boyfriend's mother has a cardboard catnip scratching box thing... It's in the basement, that's where I am.
At the bottom of that cardboard thing is catnip.
Somehow the cat got the top layer of cardboard off, and is very affectionate at the moment.


Purring up a storm.

No good weight news, except that I'm feeling energetic.
I've returned to counting calories, but less precisely.
I don't feel like going back to the daily plate yet.

I've got some good news about school - I'm not behind on anything! At least not deadline-wise. I don't think I've completely missed any assignments. I'm up for a tough couple weeks, big tests - but I expect I'll actually study for them. I feel ... hopeful. Like I'm not academically worthless.

I do have a rough couple weeks of tests and assignments coming up, though... So I'm going to have to work hard to stop myself from 'self-handicapping' (that was the subject of the last lecture I walked in late to this week. It was like they were talking about me).

I keep considering seeing a counselor. I'm petrified of talking to TAs and professors and that's probably not such a good thing. Actually, you've gotta make an appointment over the phone and that scares me too.

Okay. I've gotta get offline, now. I'll try to make a thinspo or exercise-video post soon.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Youtube cardio and update.

Oooh, thanks to you girls who commented on my last post. natxx and angel of ana, you girls make me blush ^_^

I've been failing, though. Yeah yeah, like that's news. I haven't been to the gym. I've gained a couple pounds. I don't have a 25.5 inch waist. I don't think it's noticeable to anyone but me. Maybe it is. I don't know.

Ooh, story. I drank a two liter of diet 7up a couple days ago. I no longer wonder what laxatives feel like. It wasn't entirely bad, but a little

I've been getting like three hours of sleep a night because I simply don't sleep at night and my days are occupied with school, and my boyfriend, who doesn't like to let me nap because he's convinced that I'll sleep at night if I'm tired enough, but it just doesn't work that way.

My legs are hairy and I can't shave because my skin is irritated. I'm beginning to break out again after a fairly decent length of time of clearer-than-typical skin. So yeah... Uglier than usual.

No news on the job front. Haven't really been trying honestly. I have an excuse now, though. School is time consuming. I'm determined to do well this semester. There's only one class I'm truly concerned about. Science stuff, and I think there are online assignments I'm not doing o_0

I realized there's only 23 graded assignments in all my classes according to the syllabi, so I'm making a checklist with dates and what not. That includes tests and exams and papers. If I so much as turn these assignments in and show up, then I'm almost certainly not going to fail anything this semester. Hell, I might even open the books on my own.

And I'm starting to do interesting things with my hair for school. I've realized that braiding my hair distracts me from the anxiety I feel talking to people, even if it makes me seem like a completely uninvolved narcissist when I'm touching my really-long hair in front of people who are trying to talk to me. Oh well. I don't care what most of them think...

My boyfriend has been aggressive and kind of jerky lately. He's been picking fights. He admits he's been having thoughts about wanting to break up with me, and I think the fights are pushing me away. I don't think we're going to break up. I'd prefer to believe that we're a strong couple who love eachother endlessly and aren't going to be ripped apart for anything. I know that's conceited.. I suppose I'm depending on the fact that he knows I need him.

He says he thinks I'm brainwashing him in the wrong direction; that I'm pointing out beautiful girls and asking him why he's even with me... So now I have to stop telling him he's good-looking so much and tell him I am.

He should know that he's lucky to have me, goddamnit.

He wants us to go to couples counseling. Apparently my school offers it for free to students.
I'm afraid to go though, I'm afraid everyone is going to be against me. I said I'd rather seek counseling alone. And I should - because my fears and problems really do get in the way of my academic success. I can't focus, I can't talk to teachers or TAs or my fellow students... People have talked to me thinking I'm a normal human being before. I freeze and give minimal responses and avoid looking directly at them. That's not healthy. Plus, it's hard to find an entry level job when you're afraid to talk to people.

He's been claiming to be depressed. I told him all the more reason he should seek counseling too. I don't think he's depressed. He decided this after a longer than usual period feeling sad. It's probably stress. Money is a problem for both of us.

My blogs are so lacking in Ana-content lately. I like posting things that you girls can use.

:D This will do for now. She's kind of funny. I just found this - it looks fun. I think I want to do this now...

Yay! I posted something. She's total thinspo, too.

I think I'm going to laugh doing this.


Sorry I haven't been writing or commenting. There's a couple reasons.

I've been unsuccessful at everything.
I've got school.
I switched to linux, and now I only use one browser. On windows I have chrome and it was part of my routine to open both firefox and chrome to do both ana and real world things. Now I have to switch and it's a pain in the butt. lol. That's my weakest excuse. Especially since I think it can be remedied.

Anyways. More water. Too tired to pace. Probably why I'm gaining I *want* to sleep :\ I can't... not yet.

Love you girls. I'll comment eventually. I promise.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Right now?

By the end of this week, I'll have dedicated myself to regularly going to the gym.

She is here. She's not as skinny as I thought she was. She's acting obnoxiously adorable. Wearing a tank top and showing cleavage. What is a tiny asian girl like her doing with tits? Forgive my language, but life ain't fair -_- Anyways, she was hula hooping. She's whining to her boyfriend in a pitch only dogs can here. She couldn't finish a bag of popcorn she was sharing. she's got the nerve to ask about chocolate?

I don't hate her. I'm hormonal. Bless my boyfriend for [i assume] intentionally not looking at her. I suspect she was actually trying to get him to look. I hope his humoring my jealousy came across as "you're unappealing" to her.

I hope she goes home before I do.

The past couple days have been depressing calorie-wise. I've been rationalizing my eating with my plans for the gym. Really, I can't wait.

My skin is acting up. I don't really want to be around women. Felt skinny today....but I'm only ruining it for myself.

I think school has given me some much needed structure, but my energy is low and my skin is acting up and my eyes are getting bags under them and I need the gym, it'll help make everything better.

Don't know what else to say. Thanks to you gorgeous girls for reading. 101 now, it's impressive.
I'll make an effort to read and comment tonight while my boyfriend is boring me to tears with his nerdiness. I don't comment enough lately. I've probably said that already - I feel like I'm repeating myself a lot.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

House and University

My boyfriend and I have been watching house.
And the thing about House is, every woman on the show shows chest
but they don't have cleavage
they have a minimum of three visible chest ribs (showing above the low cut shirts, I mean. I'm sure there are more).

I've mentioned before that I make a game of counting ribs. I want ribs. It bugs the hell out of me that this is supposed to be sexy though. Seriously, watch an episode sometime, if you're not already familiar with it. I feel confident that every woman on the show has some sort of eating disorder.

Anyways, things have been dramatic with my boyfriend, but I think things are okay for now.

School started and I have structure in my life again.
Once my period ends I'm going to start hitting the gym again.
and then I can get off this awful plateau, and sleep better and maybe stop feeling like a complete horrific failure.

Honestly, the girls around school are stunningly thin. It's a spectacle sometimes. One girl, I saw her walking down the hall. There must have been an inch and a half gap between her thighs as she was walking. Epic thinspo. She made me feel so big.

Okay. I need to drink heaps of water and hit the sack.