Friday, September 18, 2009

Youtube cardio and update.

Oooh, thanks to you girls who commented on my last post. natxx and angel of ana, you girls make me blush ^_^

I've been failing, though. Yeah yeah, like that's news. I haven't been to the gym. I've gained a couple pounds. I don't have a 25.5 inch waist. I don't think it's noticeable to anyone but me. Maybe it is. I don't know.

Ooh, story. I drank a two liter of diet 7up a couple days ago. I no longer wonder what laxatives feel like. It wasn't entirely bad, but a little

I've been getting like three hours of sleep a night because I simply don't sleep at night and my days are occupied with school, and my boyfriend, who doesn't like to let me nap because he's convinced that I'll sleep at night if I'm tired enough, but it just doesn't work that way.

My legs are hairy and I can't shave because my skin is irritated. I'm beginning to break out again after a fairly decent length of time of clearer-than-typical skin. So yeah... Uglier than usual.

No news on the job front. Haven't really been trying honestly. I have an excuse now, though. School is time consuming. I'm determined to do well this semester. There's only one class I'm truly concerned about. Science stuff, and I think there are online assignments I'm not doing o_0

I realized there's only 23 graded assignments in all my classes according to the syllabi, so I'm making a checklist with dates and what not. That includes tests and exams and papers. If I so much as turn these assignments in and show up, then I'm almost certainly not going to fail anything this semester. Hell, I might even open the books on my own.

And I'm starting to do interesting things with my hair for school. I've realized that braiding my hair distracts me from the anxiety I feel talking to people, even if it makes me seem like a completely uninvolved narcissist when I'm touching my really-long hair in front of people who are trying to talk to me. Oh well. I don't care what most of them think...

My boyfriend has been aggressive and kind of jerky lately. He's been picking fights. He admits he's been having thoughts about wanting to break up with me, and I think the fights are pushing me away. I don't think we're going to break up. I'd prefer to believe that we're a strong couple who love eachother endlessly and aren't going to be ripped apart for anything. I know that's conceited.. I suppose I'm depending on the fact that he knows I need him.

He says he thinks I'm brainwashing him in the wrong direction; that I'm pointing out beautiful girls and asking him why he's even with me... So now I have to stop telling him he's good-looking so much and tell him I am.

He should know that he's lucky to have me, goddamnit.

He wants us to go to couples counseling. Apparently my school offers it for free to students.
I'm afraid to go though, I'm afraid everyone is going to be against me. I said I'd rather seek counseling alone. And I should - because my fears and problems really do get in the way of my academic success. I can't focus, I can't talk to teachers or TAs or my fellow students... People have talked to me thinking I'm a normal human being before. I freeze and give minimal responses and avoid looking directly at them. That's not healthy. Plus, it's hard to find an entry level job when you're afraid to talk to people.

He's been claiming to be depressed. I told him all the more reason he should seek counseling too. I don't think he's depressed. He decided this after a longer than usual period feeling sad. It's probably stress. Money is a problem for both of us.

My blogs are so lacking in Ana-content lately. I like posting things that you girls can use.

:D This will do for now. She's kind of funny. I just found this - it looks fun. I think I want to do this now...

Yay! I posted something. She's total thinspo, too.

I think I'm going to laugh doing this.


Sorry I haven't been writing or commenting. There's a couple reasons.

I've been unsuccessful at everything.
I've got school.
I switched to linux, and now I only use one browser. On windows I have chrome and it was part of my routine to open both firefox and chrome to do both ana and real world things. Now I have to switch and it's a pain in the butt. lol. That's my weakest excuse. Especially since I think it can be remedied.

Anyways. More water. Too tired to pace. Probably why I'm gaining I *want* to sleep :\ I can't... not yet.

Love you girls. I'll comment eventually. I promise.


  1. wait, they offer couples counseling for free but not individual counseling?

    My boyfriend and I did couples counseling... I think if he would just have seen a therapist (I was already seeing one) it would have been more useful and then maybe later we could have seen a therapist. The only good thing was we bonded about how stupid each session was haha.

    Yay for your hair reducing your anxiety!!!

  2. Glad you found something that helps when your talking to people.

    Men go through those phases, my boyfriend hates my low esteem.

    It's kind of good, cause he doesnt demand i talk to him about my ED.

    Good luck if you do go for the counselling either alone or together :D

  3. Boys. Just focus on your goals and everything else will fall into place.


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