Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Jessie J - Who You Are

Just sharing a sad, but positive song. I don't think she makes a single song I don't like, though.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

My parents do not protect me

Figured I owed it to you to let you know I haven't wasted away into nothingness.

A little ridiculous to think, actually. I'm quite fat right now. I'm under 140, my doom-line...but I'm close.

My boyfriend is going away for a week or so, I'm going to try to lose a few pounds.

Things are a little hellish right now.

I'm impoverished. My parents are bringing the violent retarded alcoholic over for Christmas and I'm leaving the house.

Apparently, it "has no place to go."

Bull. Shit.

But I won't get into a rant about that, because I'll go into freakout mode and cry over how much my parents don't fucking care whether or not I feel safe in my own home.

I have to leave. At least I have someplace warm to go, and I don't have to spend all night looking for a place I can walk around in for nine hours on Christmas day.

and I'll have a cat to play with.

Despite the fact that my poor defenseless dogs are going to be locked in the house with a repulsive sack of shit for like NINE HOURS.

And of course my parents will refuse to bathe them.

And I won't be able to eat anything from my fridge for a long time again, because it will be dirty.

I think I figured out why I'm so fucking pathetic.

It's learned helplessness. No matter what I do, bullshit keeps piling up. There's no money, there hasn't always been someplace to go, and there isn't always a place to go, either.

My parents do not protect me.

Gah. Off to home to pack up a few things and hide others before the filthy creature gets there.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

This scares me

This woman is overcompensating for her own deprivation by letting her daughter eat anything. I'm scared the girl is going to look in the mirror and think she's chubby some day. How is she going to cope with that?

Not to totally shame her. I'm not sure what the right thing to do is. Has she tried getting real help? There's so much about this story that's disturbing.

Simple agreeing to do the article is probably a cry for help - maybe she's on the right path?

Wednesday, November 2, 2011


You know what's awkward about being a psychology major?

Classes that talk about eating disorders. They all seem so basic.

I'm taking a class now, it's a 400 level course with lots of discussion. We essentially dedicated the entire class to Anorexia. I held back a lot, I could have contributed something to every statement made.

On one hand, it makes me feel not-incompetent. I have some serious issues with feeling incompetent among my peers.

On the other, it also makes me feel a little naked.

My head is filled with your blogs. I have a million anecdotes that aren't mine that fitted the individual items on the outline. I could have taught that class more thoroughly with tons of examples for everything from heritability to male motivations towards an ED.

I really love that class, though. I'm less scared of that professor than others... I'd say I'm not scared of her, but if that were true I'd have emailed her and asked her a million questions about what the hell I'm supposed to do to get into a position where I can help someone. Why don't they teach you this? It's so confusing figuring out organizational and long-term planning by myself. There are resources, but even the resources are intimidating to me at my school.

This is ridiculous, right?

Oh, that reminds me. What kind of degree do you need to work in an Eating Disorder Clinic? I don't think I want to be a doctor. Maybe later in my career. I think I do want my Masters degree.

I'm a shitty student. Not stupid, mind you - but there are differences between being smart and getting good grades. Organization, time management, and opening a book outside the library are qualities I can't even understand. I swear, sometimes it seems like time doesn't even work for me the way it does for other people.

That sounds ridiculous, but I mean I can have 20 minutes worth of things to do in 45 minutes, and no matter how important something is to me - everything drags. Nothing seems real. I'm not lazy, I'm willing to do things - they just feel like I'd doing them underwater. With studying, no matter how simple the material is (which I could absorb in a lecture, mind you) in the book, my eyes seem to glaze right over things. It's almost pointless to crack a book before a test. Almost.

Anyway. Let me know what sort of qualifications one might need to work in a clinic, if you happen to know. I know they're different by approach, and that necessary credentials will likely vary state to state - but some base with which to start putting things together will help.

I feel more vulnerable now than normal, when I post. I'm not ashamed of my emotions - but I'm normally proud of my intellect and sounding stupid is a fear of mine. I do need help, though.

Friday, October 28, 2011

A month?!

I knew I wasn't writing much, but to see it's been over a month since my last post maddens me. I guess I've been fairly busy. I'm not sure with what... but apparently busy enough to lose track of time.

This week has been particularly stressful. Lots of tests.

I've been reading a book lately. A couple really, for classes - but one in particular which I find the most engaging. Reviving Ophelia by Mary Pipher.

I actually kind of disagree with some of it. I won't go into too many details because I already talked about some of this with people I know and I'm paranoid, but one thing that stands out to me is that she said that androgynous people were the most well adjusted. I assume she didn't mean to any extreme degree. Just people who aren't terribly attached to their gender roles and do as they like rather than what's expected of them.

At first I disagreed. It's normal to want to be girly! I *want* to be girly. I never got to be girly as a younger adolescent because of the fact that I was a giant deformed monster creature stomping though the halls and there was no point in dressing myself up, because then I'd just be a pig wearing a dress.

I wasn't a well adjusted girl...

Anyway. I realized that I've always valued my femininity. I was the little girl my mother wanted. I wanted to be a ballerina when I was four, five, six, howevermany years. I loved frilly dresses and short skirts when I thought I didn't look like a [hideously pockmarked] pig in a dress. I started to experiment with makeup before middle school. I just stopped at pubery because I stopped thinking I was pretty enough to adorn.

Now that I'm less heinous to look at, I have started caring about how I look again. I have long hair (extremely), I'm obsessed with my figure (well...something), and I'm extremely interested in everything that can cover my many flaws.

Am I well adjusted?

You know what blog you're reading. You know what this is about.

Speaking of, there's apples in my house :) Yay! It also helps me eat less at home because after I have an apple, my mouth feels clean and I'm somewhat filled up. Nothing is appealing after eating an apple.

Didn't I write about them before? I looked, but I can't find them. I have lots of useful posts though! I almost forgot. I intended to compile a list of the better ones at some point and link them somewhere more permanently.

I still don't feel motivated enough to do so. It would take the slightest bit of momentum. *paws helplessly at the computer monitor for some reason*

Ooh! I left "Chobits" up in another window!


Friday, September 23, 2011

Avoiding social over-eating

Found this awesome video. <3 I love this chick!! I think she's pretty much my hero right this second.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Update, then Diary

I literally have someone in my life who's convinced I'm trying to "destroy" him.

And it's hilarious.

Let this continue, then.

Muah hahahaha

Anyway. Weight hasn't changed. Brain hasn't changed.

Although, there isn't any junk food in my house right now. The worst thing I'm eating regularly is hot chocolate with coffee mixed in. Which is awesome.

My shopping addiction is dulling down a bit. Which is good.

I currently need jeans, but I'm refusing to buy them until I lose the weight again. Eventually, when I'm down to wearing pajamas, my pride will still prevent me from buying jeans because I'm too fat. Hopefully this will motivate me. Hopefully it won't take that much.

I'm not motivated with school either. I know I'm doing very poorly in a couple classes, I'm completely dismissive. It's like I'm just tuned out. I can't learn.

I don't know how to fix this. Sleep? Sometimes I get a lot of sleep. Sleep doesn't fix it.

Maybe my confidence is too low. Academically. Maybe if I could just learn one thing well, the momentum would pick up. As it is, I read a sentence in a book fifteen times and never pick it up. Even if it's something I understood a year ago.

One good thing. I've started writing in my diary again. I dug it up and yesterday I wrote 14 pages. Granted it's a small diary, but it was a lot.

I noticed my thoughts were very jumbled, even in complete privacy.

Last time I started writing again, my thoughts cleared up a lot. It can be massively helpful.

I think, even if you have a blog, you should try a diary too. It's extremely free. I mean... You don't have to worry about seeking anyone's approval. It's all about understanding the things you do.

I think it makes me a better person than I would be... after a long time without writing regularly, I realize I've been doing things I don't understand. Like I'm less of a sentient human being than I was a few years ago.

Which is disturbing.

Friday, September 2, 2011


I feel very anxious today. I don't think there's a reason why, exactly. I just started the day off missing a class I didn't do homework in. It's the first week of school. I feel pretty crappy about that. So maybe feeling crappy about myself started off the anxiety.

But it continued. I avoided eye contact with strangers on the street walking to the bus. Some woman said "excuse me bitch" on the bus and it made me feel worse. I started to feel aggressed towards, and suddenly I was worried I'd be pick-pocketed. I don't have anything to steal, and I don't think I look like I have anything to steal. This was irrational. There was just one jerk on the bus.

Also, when I came into my boyfriend's mother's house, I walked in by the door where she was mopping. I don't think I tracked anything in, but I still felt like an ass.

Then my beau's got kind of a short temper. Not like he's in a bad mood, but sometimes if I falter in my words, he gets frustrated because he's not getting the information as quickly as he wants it. It's hard to explain. It makes him sound like a jerk, but in reality he's just ADD.

I'm also very emotional. I'm almost crying right now and I don't know why. I don't feel anxious like someone's going to hurt me. I don't feel anxious like something bad's going to happen. I feel anxious like maybe someone is thinking bad things about me. All the noises in the room seem to make things worse. Even my boyfriend talking to himself is making me anxious.

It's weird. I think I attribute this to the sort of PMS irrational emotions, but it's not normal for me to get this way late in my period. This sort of thing is normally before my period starts, and not even normally this bad.

My boyfriend has a stuffed lion that purrs when you hug it. Which is weird, but also very comforting. So I'm holding that.

I wish I knew what was really wrong. It makes me think I should be seeing a psychologist. Which really feels like a stupid thing to say, but I'm too scared of people to see a psychologist. Ridiculous, right? It's still true.

A few years ago, I was so scared of people. I used to think it was social anxiety, but it's not. I wasn't afraid people wouldn't like me, I walked into a situation assuming they already didn't. I was more afraid they'd actually cause me harm. There were times in high school where I would close my eyes in the hallway and I'd have this feeling like someone was going to hit me. No reason. I just thought people would hurt me.

I really wasn't well-liked. I remember one time a boy in class had put fliers around the school advertising a basketball game that was coming up, telling everyone they should go. I was looking at a flier, and one of the more popular girls asked me if I was going. I asked what it was, and she told me. I said maybe. The boy who'd put up the fliers overheard and asked me not to go.

I didn't get much direct rejection like that in high-school. At the time I thought that was because everyone at my school was really nice, even though I was a loser. That was my thought process. In reality, I just had so little social interaction that I never put myself out-there for rejection. No one talked to me, I didn't talk to anyone.

The girl who I mention in this situation, let's call her "K," talked to me on several occasions. She had a reputation for being a bitch behind her friends' backs, but sometimes she'd initiate a conversation with me. This was so foreign to me I was terrified. I thought she was going to lure me off somewhere where I'd be put into some sort of Carrie Prom-scene moment.

I've been thinking a lot about high-school lately. Especially since I rediscovered my myspace account. I went through old messages and realized what a tool the boy I liked so damn much for like 4 years really was to me.

On one hand, I'm sure he didn't understand the way I behaved towards him. On the other, he thought I'd be privileged to have sex with him, and he was quite surprised when I didn't. None the less, he got much farther than he deserved and he still ignores me to this day.

I hope he gets sodomized with a cattle prod.

He's still my facebook friend though. Like two weeks ago I sent him a message with some out of context stuff from myspace I thought he might remember. He never replied.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

I'm feeling good about this semester

Just getting back to school has made me feel so much more active. I'm up in the morning again, and my days have a purpose. I currently have my period, and I'm going to wait until next week to head back to the gym for the first time this semester. I'm okay with that, though.

Going back to school is also good for me in the sense that now I'm going to bed a bit earlier. I would like 2AM to seem like a late hour to go to bed again. lol. This is going to help me with that "eating at night" weakness I have.

Being in school again means I'm once again surrounded by thinspo. Beautiful skinny girls. I saw my reflection once or twice - and I was actually happy. Why? Seeing myself so fat by comparison made me feel motivated. I felt sure I was going to lose weight.

I might be completely boned as far as financial aid goes this semester, though. We'll see. Panic has not set in yet. I don't know why. I guess I'm feeling too optimistic.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Bad Habits

Given how often I complain about being a failure, a faithful reader probably already knows my weaknesses....but for the hell of it, here's a list of [some of] my weaknesses. In no particular order.
  • Eating at night. I get home and I feel like the first thing I have to do is eat. Why? I guess more specifically it's eating upon arriving home. I used to always eat after school, which could be part of it.
  • Bottomless snacks. My beau tends to put bags of chips in front of me. A stronger person would refuse, but I have an issue with diving right in.
  • Social eating. Eating is a bonding ritual. If you want to be close to someone, you eat with them.
  • Inability to throw away food. I know it's not really wasteful not to finish a plate at a restaurant, because no one else is going to eat it after it's been put on your plate. It's a waste to make the servings so large in the first place. It still feels like I'm wasting money, or food... it just makes me feel guilty.
  • Here's a WTF sort of habit. Eating when I feel energetic. I guess it could be called boredom eating. I'm nocturnal and I feel cooped up at night. Eating kills some of that hyper feeling.
  • Treating diet pop like it undoes some of the food-damage. It really doesn't. It has some caffeine and it's bubbly, which is fun - but I should know better. It's bad for me in it's own way.
  • Humoring my sweet tooth with sweets. I could easily do that with fruit, or maybe even juice... but I tend to seek out the fatty sugary disgusting things that are always around my house.

In retrospect, my entire adolescence would have been better if my family were healthier. Though it's not even just about me, I'm getting to a point in my life where I'm genuinely concerned for my parents' well-being. I don't even want to talk about it... but it's bad. I feel like everyone in that house is suffocating. So trapped.

Anyway, when I don't eat "my share" of food, my parents tend to get irritated with me. My mother accuses me of being too thin, and my father accuses me of wasting the food I didn't buy or want.

Firstly, I've never been too thin. My mother told me she used to have a 23 inch waist. She also told me that after 3 children, it was 25 inches.

Are you kidding me? My body comes from my father's side. Curvier Mediterranean genes. My waist never got down to 25 inches. I got it to just under 25.5, and that was a huge deal for me. I'm thinner than her now... but she's cooped up all day. Eating out of anger and hatred of pretty much everything around her. Plus, she's in her mid-fifties. That doesn't help.

What I really want right now is to be fit, honestly. It would be an improvement. I don't know what my waist is right now. I don't know what my weight is right now. I have been paying attention to my foods and activities, but I'm not in the right place. I don't know. Maybe if I hold out long enough for a day I don't feel like such a grotesque slob, I won't hate the number on the scale.

Sunday, July 31, 2011

I never post! I suck :(

I bought the Seventeen Magazine fitness issue.

I haven't gone through it yet, more than a skim. I always really liked Seventeen, but now I think I might be getting too old for it. Why?

Shirtless Justin Bieber.

It's just f***ing with my brain.

I am no longer Seventeen. I'm 22, and I don't want to hump Justin Bieber. Or the guy from Twilight.

I'm still fat. No real change there. I haven't eaten as much at night the past few days, partly because I've got a momentous painful sunburn. Seriously, my shoulders are shot. I can't lift my arms, it's just PAIN.

It's my own fault, though. I mean, I had inconvenience...but really, a redhead goes to the beach without sunscreen? For like 7 hours? I'm a moron. It *was* cloudy when I left, but I should have thought of it first.

Worst part is, I literally found 3 bottles of sunscreen when I got home. Where were they when I was packing? Fortunately, my aloe was also easy to find.

In addition I sliced my leg shaving... It didn't seem that bad at the time, but it's still healing. Then I swam in lake Erie, and I swear, I think there was medical waste in that water.

I'm so stupid.

I've been trying to keep it clean. It's excruciatingly painful to clean this thing with alcohol, but I did it twice. And anti-bacterial ointment. I guess this is too much information. I mean, I could go on...

It probably sounds like I had a miserable time, but I feel like I really bonded with my friend. The tiny one I've mentioned a few times, and I also like her friends. They're super nice.

There's this one girl with Celiac disease. She can't eat gluten.

My friend and I hung out afterwards. It was kind of boring, she had work to do. It's fine. I felt special.

It's really an interesting feeling to hang out with someone who genuinely enjoys my company. I'm not good at making friends, but she's super calm and patient. Patient is a necessary quality for hanging out with me. And she's only ever a bad influence when we're shopping. And eating, because she always wants to get something to eat - but she does also encourage me to throw out my food once I start complaining about it. So that's good.

"Let's get food!"

5 minutes later... She throws out half of it.

Though she did eat a footlong when were were out, I was shocked. AND ice cream!

And she still had a flat tummy in a bikini.

Oh well... Enough fussing. I'll try to post something useful soon.

Saturday, July 23, 2011


It's been stiflingly hot lately... There's no way around it. Doesn't help that neither I nor my boyfriend have air conditioning.

One thing that bothers me is that my parents' room has air conditioning, and my dad's den has air-conditioning. But no place in the house in which I'm welcome is ever under 81 degrees. Last night it was 85.

At least my boyfriend's mother's house has a furnished basement. Which, incidentally, is still too hot. It's a better place to be than others, right now, though.

My beau and I are fairly annoyed with his mother lately, though. She's going to an anti-gay marriage rally with her church. I find this very disappointing. She may be quite catholic, but I didn't think she'd be the type of person to force her beliefs on other people. And honestly, I never got the impression she cared one way or the other about gay marriage.

It shouldn't surprise me as much as it does, though. She's quite literally scared of just about EVERYTHING.

She screams when things are misplaced, when someone does something unexpected on TV, when she drops something, when she realizes someone's in the same room with her, when she stubs her toe, when the cat licks itself.

And seriously, her son is an Atheist. She doesn't even push her beliefs on him.

Gah. I don't understand people at all.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

A few things, and a video.

Does caffeine get stored in fat? It would explain why I get so hyper at night, even when the caffeine I drank was 8 hours prior, or more. Caffeine is only supposed to last in your system for about 5 hours. Granted that I've always been a night person.

I've been having a pretty hard time motivating myself to write anything. Why do I keep saying that? I need to work harder. Sometimes it feels like I've already said everything.

Since this wasn't much of a post, please enjoy this thinspo video.

I like the song better in thinspo context than anime context :] Plus, whoever made it clearly worked very hard on it.

Friday, June 24, 2011

They claim it tastes like beef.

I can't even begin to describe how weird and disturbing this is.

Artificial meat, a video which cannot be unseen

Sunday, June 19, 2011

I've started jogging again

Picture unrelated, but still somewhat helpful.

It's sad...but I don't feel too bad for laughing.

Anyway, I'm going to start jogging with a friend. She's not a runner, so I've actually got more experience in this area and I feel pretty good about it.

She's not trying to lose weight, actually she's trying to gain muscle. She knows I'm trying to lose weight, and she's not judgmental about it. Probably because she's so much smaller than anyone else I know. That's mostly because she's quite short, though.

She's got quite a healthy body image. This isn't about vanity, at least not entirely. She wants to gain muscle mass. She wants to be strong. I also don't imagine she gets much trouble for how she looks, and so many people like her I'm pretty sure she can do whatever she wants.

Why do everyone love short girls? They have an almost childlike quality, like you'll want to nurture them. Plus, all the short girls I know are so precocious. They seem to make friends easily.

Anyway, wish me luck. I haven't been doing well with food lately, so hopefully this will help me pull it together.

I'm also getting a lot more walking done since the weather has improved.

Buffalo broke it's own record for rain this Spring, so the recent summer weather has been more than welcome by everyone.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Get Drunk, Not Fat!

This is great. Quite practical!!

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Enjoyable things that aren't Eating

I'm not one of those girls who lives for the feeling of my stomach being empty.

So here are a few things I sincerely enjoy that [mostly] indirectly result in exercise or not eating out of boredom.

1. Walking at night with my boyfriend.
-It's extremely pleasant when the weather is nice. I find it super bonding, and even when we're not saying anything and just walking side by side, it's so comforting to be with him. Plus, it's exercise you can forget is exercise.

2. Wearing perfume
-Like I said in my last entry, I think it offsets appetite. Plus, it makes me feel beautiful.

3. Playing with my hair
-I can kill a lot of time playing with my hair, especially if I have a camera. Hilarity ensues.

4. Watching YouTube
-I can kill so many hours on youtube if I have a good enough computer. With a movie, I might be tempted to pause it and get food, but with youtube it's a series of short videos that hold your attention

5. Reading
-I don't do enough of this, but reading can envelope you in a world that's not your own. You feel personally involved because everything is as your mind paints it, and you move the story along by turning the page.

6. Pacing, or dancing
-I pace at night, sometimes dance. I just put on my headphones and I'm occupied for a couple hours.

7. Sleeping
-If you can sleep, you should sleep.

8. Drawing
-I used to do this a lot. I started feeling discouraged and like I never had time for it. I remember though, my best drawings would have my rapt attention for like 3 hours

9. Making movies on your computer
-Editing together videos from short nubs of camera phone clips can be fun. If your anything like me you've got numerous 30 second clips of adorable animals on your camera phone. No cat goes un-filmed. lol. However, slide-shows can be fun too. Thinspo videos?

10. Playing video games.
-[One of my favorite games] You can totally cheat at this game... In fact it's kind of cheating to play the fullscreen .swf version I'm sending you. ^_^ but it's more fun to fly and bounce and play than to make it on day one.

11. Online Shopping.
-I don't recommend it. Nope. Click. This is so bad. Click. Gosh that's cute. Add to basket. Damnit. I shouldn't be doing this. Click. Do I really need all this perfume...? Yes. Yes I do. Amazon makes it nicer because you can make a wishlist to stare at forever. e.l.f saves your basket for 30 days. They're also constantly having sales. This is a habit I need to break, but I love to stare at pretty-shiny-new.

12. Dressing up
-Put on your cutest dress, do your make-up, spray on something feminine. Have a pretty-day. <3

13. Floss, mouthwash, brushing your teeth.
-Is it weird that I consider this fun? It feels so clean and fresh. This will also deter eating, I think. That's what the tip-lists say.

14. Lay in the sun
-The sun puts me to sleep. It makes me feel drowsy and comfy. If I knew I wouldn't burn, I'd sleep out in the yard. Unfortunately, though - I have to be very conscious of how much time I spend in the sun because I'm a redhead.

15. Writing in a journal
-I'm more conscious of what I'm writing about when I write in my blog. In my journal I can write 15 pages of naturally flowing thoughts, and I think it's extremely good for me.

16. Exercising when you feel like exercising
-On that day when you know you have a ton of energy. When you know you're going to feel amazing after a workout. When the thought of running makes you happy, and you don't *have* to do it.

17. Just sitting outside.
-When the inside gets dark and depressing and stifling, I can just sit outside where it's fresh and bright. It's usually like a whole different world. It's not necessarily quiet, but so long as no one is talking to me - it's close enough.

18. Facebook stalking your friends
-Or enemies. Or strangers. Or every one of the girls on your boyfriend's friend list. You know, whatever. lol ^_^

19. Play a prank the victim can't really be very mad about
-Owe someone money? Pay them back in pennies. Devise some elaborate plot to do a good deed in a way that maximizes your sense of enjoyment.

20. Make a list of things that make you happy.
-My mood? Quite lifted ^_^ Plus, you can come back to it later. Make it in the physical world, into something pretty and durable.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

I feel pretty ^_^

I'm kind of big lately, yes. But today, I've got this shiny lovely self image. It's rare, and it felt worth blogging about.

I'm even breaking out pretty badly on my chin. None the less, I put some color correcting powder and some foundation on, and I feel pretty.

I'm just wearing worn jeans and a haynes t-shirt. New sandals.

Some eye make-up

and I feel pretty. Like a young, care-free, lovely girl.

I think maybe it's the perfume. My day is wrapped in orange blossoms.

I've found I really like perfume. Part of this cosmetic-kick I'm on.

I actually recommend it - I suspect the lovely smells might curb appetite.

Who wants to ruin the scent of orange blossom with something like reheated cow flesh?

Tuesday, May 24, 2011


Losing weight is like reading a book. Once you get into it, you don't really notice what's happening... Then after a while, you look at your progress - and there's a huge difference made from when you started.

It's rewarding when you realize it's day 1 and you're 1/3 through the book. Weight loss doesn't happen that quickly, but normally so many pages is a long time from the perspective of the characters.

Just a thought. I'm reading a book - and it's actually absorbed me. I might share it with you. If it's too sad, I also might not.

None the less, it's quite nice to have that thought in my head.

I've put that figurative book down so many times because I've been discouraged. I guess in a book, you can't go backwards like I have. But if I turn some pages, I can make a difference again.

Am I taking my little metaphor too far?

<3 I'm feeling a bit more motivated. I ought to give myself blog deadlines again...

Tuesday, May 17, 2011


My semester was a bomb

My waist is 27 inches (it used to be 25.5)

I'm eating at night again

I'm bored.
I want to run away.
I think I want...nature. Camping, hiking, and maybe several outings on boats.

I do think that the end of the semester is clearing my brain-fog a bit. Which is great.

Nothing I want to happen is going to happen in the near future, though.

I need stimulation. I'm incredibly bored with my life.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Pin-ups: photo v painting

Ran across this gem browsing images on

One thing to note is that they actually paint these women prettier than they are.
I guess that's to be expected. Prettier, and thinner - despite the alleged "curvy" ideal.
The background is pretty interesting too. They don't even model with good props.

I've been staring at this thing for ages. So interesting. I hope you like it as much as I do

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

A trick to look thinner

So in honor of my newfound love of make-up, I figured I'd post a video on contouring.

I haven't actually tried this myself. I intend to - I just need the right products for my super-pale skin, and I need to get it right the first time (blah, money)

There are other contouring tutorials in the sidebar that are more subtle. But if you're anything like me, you'll want to play.


Sunday, April 24, 2011

Happy Easter! Timely tip-

I'm PMSing right now, and I realized something

Though I do crave sweets, I don't crave chocolate as much as I usually do.

I think it's got something to do with my cocoabutter obsession right now.

I didn't used to like the smell, but now I find it soothing - and it does sort of smell like chocolate all the time, so I guess more of that desire is satisfied.

Plus, the Palmer's stuff is something I can find at all the cheap stores, and it works amazing.

I've got this skin treatment oil stuff, as a cheap substitute for the vitamin E oil I was using for a long time - I prefer the Palmer's stuff. I also have this swivel stick, which is good for when my powder dries up my skin or when I get an itchy dry spot somewhere. I ordered this spray moisturizer stuff online - oh, I should mention - serendipity - I was looking for spray moisturizer, of any sort. When I found it, it was Palmer's brand.

I sound like an ad. I hate that, but it's cheap and it's good. Other brands might be just as good, but this is so easy to find.

Anyway, I thought it might help you cope with whatever Easter candy ends up floating around your house.

Friday, April 22, 2011

I know you know, but it's nice to watch

Wow, they shortened youtube embed codes somehow... yay

Anyway, I like her channel, and I liked watching her do this.

I guess it kind of reinforces and normalizes this behavior to watch it.

If you watch people do it, it becomes less weird to do yourself...

Which has other implications... but for the time being... yay!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Found a motivating thinspo blog

Paint Me Thinner

Things I found to be particularly inspiring which I found collected here:

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Mean Girl (venting...for a long time)

I have a need to vent right now. I'm trying to avoid venting on [real]facebook because I'm trying to be more likeable.

Sounds weird, but I figure that I only need one person who loves me for who I am - and most people are going to get small doses of me at any given moment. Since I don't give a f*** what these insignificant parties in my life think of me, I'd might as well not burn bridges with unapproachability.

I mean to say that acquaintances don't have to hear me vent. They don't care. I don't care about them. It's just better if they like me.

But in reality, you're about to find out what a bitch I am, if you can bear to read this rot.

Anyway, today I had to deal with this fat f*** I can't stand. Let's call him Evan. He schemes ridiculous things. He's quite possibly a pathological liar. Possibly a narcissist. I mean, he knows he's a fat f***, but he's got a fragile ego and if you catch him in a lie, he acts like a victim and blocks you out of his life.

Which he's trying to do with me, but this is not his arena. And his inevitable failure will make him hate me even more.

A problem I have with a pathological liar hating me... well here's a thought - he might lie about me.

This all started when he was disrespecting my beau. I got angry, because Evan had volunteered for a position within an organization that my boyfriend belongs to - and Evan wasn't the slightest bit qualified. It had to do with deciding what tech things were worth keeping and what weren't. He wanted to throw out so much stuff! Stuff that belonged to people. What's more, he's not even technologically inclined. He didn't know what was worth selling, what was worth keeping. He just wanted to clear out everything he didn't understand. My beau argued, but he asserted some imaginary authority on the matter that didn't go beyond the volume of his voice, and my beau was frustrated.

I called him out on that sh**. Pretty much tore him a new one, and threw in some insults when he got cheeky.

"Keep your panties on"
"Not a problem around you, Evan."

Today I had to sit through a meeting with this dumbass. When I spoke up, he said I made an attack on him when I called him out on some bull. I admit I was aggressive, but my concerns were valid. People more or less saw through him.

I've more or less made it my goal to put him in his place. He's so full of shit!!

All through the meeting today I kept writing fat jokes in my notebook. That's how I dealt with my anger on the issue. When he said he'd ask me to leave (I only gave the one comment, mind you), I laughed and pointed out that he didn't have the authority to do that. He said it was his meeting. But it's not his space. f*ck that, I can stay. I can skip down the hallway naked if I damn well please - but again, I wouldn't.

Keeping my panties on around him is no problem.

I drew a doodle playing on something he said. Disagreeing with my beau. "This is my 'but' on the matter." I drew a fat ass on a breaking chair with the caption "This is my butt on the matter"

So... why do I turn to body image when his personality gives me sooo much ammo?


I don't know. I'm not the only one. I guess I expect it to hurt him as much as it would hurt me - if I were a fat f***. Relatively speaking. And it probably would hurt him.

When I first met him, he was eating donuts. Said his blood sugar was low.
He's not diabetic, or hypoglycemic. He just wanted an excuse to eat like a fat f***. I was more in control at the time, I watched him stuff his fat face with disgust - even though I tolerated him quite well back then.

Today I made a personal goal to make sure everyone in this group likes me. Separate from my goal to be more likeable - but compatible, certainly.

Smile. Be friendly. Try to be pretty.

This group is mostly men, and a few rarely-attending women. The most frequently attending woman is a transexual who's not exactly easy on the eyes - or the nose... or the ears for that matter, that falsetto needs some serious work. I'm not about to touch or lick her, but I daresay it's safe to assume that she's offensive to every physical sense. She's nice, though. I don't want to see her bad side, though - because she could kick my ass. Which would involve touching me. Ew. Oh, and she's a friend of Evan.

Point is that I feel fairly comfortable assuming that since I'm younger, a female, and have less competition than in other arenas - I can garner sympathy by being sweet to people.

I'm calling this my evil plot. In reality I'm just trying to keep something good from being ruined by incompetence. He claims to be a genius, and he talks a lot - I'm worried people believe him.


Also, today I made the effort to post to a friend of my boyfriend's facebook status with a small coincidence, a parallel between his day and mine.

I know it was a little thing. I almost didn't post it. but I said it outloud to my boyfriend, who thought I should try to be social.

So I post this little bit of coincidence, and someone - a stranger mind you - replies with a great big "O...M...G..!!!" Very sarcastic. I found it hurtful.

And it's not that I give a damn what this person thinks. But she doesn't know me. So where did she get a bad impression of me?? Does she go around insulting people who mention little things on facebook? Did my boyfriend's friend say something nasty about me to a stranger? Is she a friend of the cliquey bitches mentioned in some much earlier post who all unfriended me at once over how ugly I think dyed-red hair is? Part of why I try not to rant in facebook statuses anymore.

Who is this random bitch??

My beau thinks it could have been a misunderstanding. A direct response to his friend, rather than to me. Some inside joke.

It didn't seem that way, though.

So I looked at her profile. Quite public. Saw where she lived. Looked at her pictures.

Looked at her pictures and instantly felt better.

Seriously, she looks like a man wearing a wig. Not just any man, a man who just got his ass kicked. Dark circles around her eyes, ugly shadows and angles. More masculine than me - and I normally think I'm pretty heinous.

So I resorted to her own appearance to assess the worth of her statement.

The difference between this and Evan is that I actually have a feel for Evan's personality. I actually do dislike Evan on merit. Ha.

This girl. This girl is a stranger! I guess I can assume a few things about her, assuming this isn't a misunderstanding. For one, that she's got a sensitive trigger. If it's not entirely on the merit of hating small coincidences being mentioned on facebook, then it's based on a more personal hatred. Maybe he's spoken ill about me... Hell, maybe he likes me. Maybe she's got me mistaken for someone else. Maybe she likes him and sees me as a potential threat, maybe she's friends with someone else who hates my guts. That circle is mixed company. Maybe she just doesn't like my face. Maybe she's bitter because of hers.

I can be quite vicious. I didn't reply. Despite that I'm 99% sure that it was intended to make me look like an idiot, I'm not about to go picking fights with some moron on facebook.


Well, there you go. Now you've seen my wrathful side. I don't fully understand why I take comfort in knowing those who oppose me are hideous.

It might have something to do with how much sympathy I think I can garner. I know a lot of people say looks don't matter, but for the love of god - when a generally unpleasant person is also ugly, that's just dysfunctional.

Maybe it's knowing that even though I don't have a lot of ground in these issues - ie: I think my boyfriend's friend hates my guts anyway (why doesn't he just delete me? I'd probably cry... but rather that than the hate out of nowhere!)... I actually do have ground in the Evan case. Seriously. Much precedent that he's full of sh**.

Also, Evan has ostracized someone who's impossible not to like. Seriously. He's like a big teddy bear, one of my favorite people. And it's completely unrelated to my problem, so it's not just sympathy hate.

Ugh. Evan, you fat lying f***. Worthless loudmouth idiot liar. Wants to fill this organization (which is for a particular category of smart people) with hippies and gamers. Pathetic. F**king loser. I also hate his voice. It's tolerable if you haven't figured out how awful it is, but once you determine the worth of the words, the sound becomes unbearable.


I'd rather my plans to manipulate things my way not be expressed as I feel them.

Really, I'm only saying this because I'm angry.

I mean, even though I mean it - I could phrase it much better.

I just want to sound vicious, so I can feel victorious when he's inevitably destroyed by the weight of his own sh**.

And the depth of my dismissal of this girl is about equal to the depth of her complaint, so...

You know, people who don't like me can just go f*** themselves. With Pine-apples. Wrapped in barbed wire. With a timed explosive embedded therein.

>:| End of story

I hope you don't think any less of me. I really had to put this somewhere.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

A tale of failure.

My waist is 27 inches.

I haven't been willing to step on the scale again, yet. I've been too scared. With almost a full 2 inches to my waistline, who could blame me?

I must seem so stupid and lacking in self control. I guess I always have been. Pretty disgusting, really.

I've been eating a lot at night. Have I said that before? I'm doing it again. Worse than ever, during break. I think the lack of order in my life is really throwing me off.

The other day I got to walk around for hours and hours with my friend and my boyfriend's friend's family. Quite a day, I was completely wiped out afterwards. It was gorgeous and sunny and I took one hell of a nap the next day. I must have burned hundreds of calories, I'm happy to say. Though again, I ruined it the next day.

I also think I eat a lot the day after I take a sleeping pill, n a semi-related note. Like I'm trying to fuel myself, when the damn pill doesn't wear off completely for like 18 hours. For me at least. I have low tolerances for even over-the-counter pharmaceuticals because I very rarely take them.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Small update

Happy St. Patrick's day! :]

I tried some Green Tea pills. They did awful things to my stomach.

I read up some side-effects of fat-blockers, and they made sense - however, these pills weren't marketed as fat blockers, and were fairly cheap. It worries me a bit. I suspect they might have had some odd reaction with the fish oil I take.

I also wonder if maybe there was something wrong with the supplements? but that's paranoid.

Anyway. It ruined a chunk of my spring break. Feeling better, now - not back to 100% yet.

Today should also be exciting :] lots of walking around, even though I won't be likely to get any "party"-like things done. Bah. I probably never will. A few days ago, my friend and I wandered around aimlessly down town to find everything was closed. Mark of inexperience, I guess.

Have a lucky day! :P

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Cognitive Dissonance

The other day my beau and I were wandering through a grocery store looking at magazine covers. There was a car magazine or something with a girl in a bikini somewhat randomly shopped into the corner.

I say to my beau "I think she's bigger than me."

It took me a good 30 seconds to realize that I meant that as an insult to the girl on the magazine cover.

This seems insufficient to leave this explanation in it's entirety to the title of this post, but I'm not sure how else to describe this feeling.

Why is she considered beautiful, even though she's bigger than me?

There are explanations, most of them have to do with my perhaps being ugly or less busty or crazy... but the conflict in my mind is still there. Size is extremely important to me, even if I know it's not the same (or at least to the same degree) for other people.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

RX strength reverse thinspo

The kind of reverse thinspo only Jerry Springer can deliver. :] lol

But seriously. It's quite disgusting.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Just a video to get you through the day

Also, Today is my 22nd birthday.

I'm quite old, now.

I asked my mother not to make me a cake... It's for other reasons, actually... but hey.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Sparkling water and borrowed tips

I've been gone a long time and I feel like I owe you an explanation.

I can blame school, yes. I'm busy a lot.

I'm also ashamed of how I've been eating.

I haven't gained an exorbitant amount of weight. Probably 5 pounds. I'm afraid to step on a scale and I've been eating a lot. My clothes still fit fine. I'm also retaining water right now. Excuses, though. I should be 120lbs, not 130+. I don't know what I weigh. I want to weigh in on a day I'm proud of myself.

I also came across THIS the other day. The site is very lifestyle Ana, yes... but it made me feel so much more motivated. I think the most motivating for me was #5. Which is shameful, yes - but I'm quite insecure around my boyfriend and really do scrutinize other women when we're together.

One thing I want to do more of is drinking sparkling water.
A store in walking distance sells 34oz bottles of sparkling water for 65 cents, and at convenience stores that are massively overpriced, they seem to consistently be a dollar.
So there's a lot of good here.
1. No calories
2. No aspartame
3. No sodium
4. They have flavor
5. They're bubbly.
6. They're cheaper
7. You get more of it
8. I can get my caffeine elsewhere.
9. Actually counts as water intake
10. After you finish you've got a great big water bottle (I love that)

-I have caffeine pills and I can still get my boost without 1. having it with every meal and 2. getting all the aspartame and sugar assumed to go with it.

And yes, I do think sparkling water is somewhat filling. It's on that list of tips, too, actually (#98). My personal discovery of it comes before my discovery of the list, though. I've had an on and off love affair with sparkling water since I was a kid, but seeing the prices at the store recently rekindled that romance.

Anyway, I hope you're well. I'm sorry I haven't been posting or commenting. I'll try to catch up this weekend.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Skinny Bitch

Does anyone have a digital copy of Skinny Bitch? A PDF would be fine, and anything the kindle might read because I might have access to one soon.

you can email it to me at

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I have something tucked away for a rainy day which I'll probably whip out soon.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

This is like a horror movie!

Oh, god. The calories! No, oh god - not the mayonaise!! D: THE HORROR

Keeping with the theme of nauseating humor, I present crazy Swedes making an "ordinary meal"

Thursday, January 13, 2011

This'll put you off pizza for a while

I guess this is reverse thinspo? Either way, it's pretty disgusting.

Epic creepy.

*edit: found this on reddit, not directly from craigslist

Friday, January 7, 2011

New Years Resolutions 2011

Borrowing a few from last year's, I'm determined to do the following.

Get a Job
Cut my hair
Be more open towards my boyfriend's friends (why not?)
Try not to scare off strangers who might be my friends
I will be in bed by 3AM on school days (yes, that's an improvement)
Be 120lbs (or less - underweight starts at <118)
Get a social hobby.
->by that I mean something that involves a club or group or talking to people regularly
Learn a skill - may likely be combined with the previous resolution.
->ie: sewing, knitting, grooming pets, baking, massage, lol - anything really. Driving might be a good one, if I had any use for it.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Last year's resolutions

I haven't really put much thought into resolutions for this year, but I thought I'd go back and see how I did with last years resolutions

They were good, right?

Let's see how I did.

[X]I will be below my lw, 126 Yay!
[X]I will have more pictures of myself Meh. I wanted my beau to take them.
[]I will make a new friend I've met some nice people - I got scared
[X]and catch up with an old friend Yes! My tiny friend with no appetite.
[]I will cut my hair It's been a year? Never did it!
[X]I will dutifully take my multivitamin Well enough
[]I will develop a taste for tea I drink it, but I still don't like it
[]I will use the school's gym. Nope
[X]I will walk more, even in the snow Definitely did that!
[]I will be stronger, more organized, and powerful Well, for a while there
[]I will make my grades reflect this. Spring 2010=awesome, Fall 2010=failz
[X]I will make myself do things I don't want to do Not enough, but more
[X]I will be more independent. I can read bus schedules and my parents drive me nowhere
[]I will get a job Well... That should be done
[X]I will not be the weak pathetic dependent useless damsel in distress I've been my entire life. My beau says I am, but I disagree

I think this sets up a pretty good basis for determining my next years resolutions.
Actually, it might not be such a bad idea to do monthly resolutions. I'll consider it.

But for now, I'll dream up some goals to achieve in the coming year. I'll post them tomorrow.