Monday, September 27, 2010

Scary morning

I felt okay when I first got up this morning. I stashed a fiber plus bar in my purse for when I had time for it. I had to get a ride from my dad to get to campus...

On the shuttle that goes from one campus to the other, I started to feel sick.

Nauseous. Overly warm. Dizzy. It was awful. Worst of all the shuttle was packed and I couldn't sit down, so I sat on my heels for a moment, and a girl asked me if I wanted her seat. Normally I would reject that sort of request, even if I would be better off - but I just felt so sick I didn't really have a choice.

I ate a lot yesterday, so despite the fact that I hadn't eaten breakfast I don't think I was starving or anything. I am expecting my period, sometimes I get dizzy when I have pms - but I've never come this close to passing out before. It was awful.

I put my head down on my arm, because I was at the front and I had this bar I could rest on... I did that... My head felt so heavy, but in a way like I wasn't aware of the weight. It was hard to keep up, but I didn't feel strain necessarily. I guess I was just weak. When I did lift my head, I found I couldn't see out of my right eye. I couldn't open it, like it was glued closed or something. I rubbed at it. It opened, I guess. Things were really dark for a while. I guess I was close to blacking out. I was scared. I thought I was going blind. Then things changed

We got to the campus, and everything went from black to white in my vision. Everything was whited out, and hard to see. I didn't want to stand up to get off the bus, but I didn't want to be someone else's problem so I muttered something about not feeling well and pulled myself up.

As I started to walk, I felt weightless in a weird way. I had no choice but to move slowly, it wasn't a conscious decision - I just felt like my mind couldn't move as fast as my legs could, and I didn't want to fall.

The fog cleared up.... I ate about 350 calories from my locker food. Some peanuts, a fiber plus bar, and a starbucks mocha thing. The kind that comes in a glass bottle... I still felt odd. But I went to class. Took a quiz. Probably did okay. The girl I sat next to was really nice. Just seems notable.

After class I ate a rice krispy treat. I feel really cold. It could just be that the building isn't being heated right now, I'm hoping it's not still my body being disagreeable.

but wow... that was awful. I'm still pretty worried.

I am feeling warmer, now, though.

Has this ever happened to you? At all? Anything like this??

Friday, September 24, 2010

I love this picture....

Found this in an facebook friend's album. ^_^ Perfect thinspo. Thanks Emily!

Wednesday, September 22, 2010


After learning about omega-3 in my nutrition class I decided to go out and get supplements....

I ended up choosing a gummy variety because I was weirded out by the listings of what fish oils were in the pills, and I've heard they give you fishy breath.

I realize the gummies have the same fish oils, but they're masked with sugar and flavoring.

If I like the results of the omega-3, I'll probably switch to the pills for the lack of sugar - but in the mean time, the gummies are only ten calories each and I think the benefits will outweigh the calories.

Benefits of Omega-3
  • Heart - By helping reduce the risk of arrhythmias and sudden death by a heart attack.
  • Brain - Better brain function though more efficient neurotransmitters leading to improved concentration, memory, less likelihood of depression and reduced risk of ADHD in children.
  • Cholesterol & Triglycerides - By lowering triglycerides and help balancing your cholesterol.
  • Joints & Arthritis - Better joint function from reduced inflammation and a reduction in pain.
  • Skin & Beauty - Improves the health and appearance of your skin, helps keep nails strong, as well as your hair healthy and shiny.
  • Immune System & Cancer - A stronger immune system, proven to be beneficial for the body's immune function, lowered risk of breast and prostate cancer.
  • Vision - Improved focus, colour, perception and clarity of vision.
  • Digestive System - By improving intestinal health and reducing inflammation assisting those with IBS or Crohn's Disease.
  • Allergies - Omega-3 fatty acid intake by mothers during pregnancy may protect babies against the development of allergies. It may help people with existing allergies.
  • Diabetes - Fish oil enhances insulin secretion from beta cells in the pancreas, regulating blood sugar levels. DHA plays a protective role in diabetic neuropathy in all forms of diabetes.

The primary reason I'm using them is because I've read they do wonders for acne. But the strong hair and nails aspect is also something I could really use.

The allergies in mothers aspect is fascinating too. So many kids have allergies, and I can see how a deficiency in Omega-3 could be related to that fact, because more and more mothers are afraid to eat fish during pregnancy because of mercury content. Pure speculation, but it just makes sense to me.

:] I'll let you know in the next couple weeks how I like them.

Word to the wise

1. Do not overdo it on the fiber.

Did that yesterday. Made my belly very unhappy. Hope no one else made a 3-bar mistake...they're so goooood @_@

2. Drink lots of water with fiber.

It absorbs water, and needs water to pass through.

3. I maintain that's it's totally worth it.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Food and Entertainment

The scale told me I was 129 this morning, but I don't trust that number, necessarily. Especially after everything I've eaten today. Lots of mistakes. My grand total might be under 2000, I doubt it.

And yes, Amy, I do think fiber works. If you're not used to it, it might make you bloated and gassy, but it's worth it once you are. I'm not sure why exactly that is, I think it's because it's a substance which isn't digested, and what happens is that it stays with you longer - and on the way out cleans out your GI tract. So it makes you thinner twice ;]

Haven't been to Sam's Club to get the Slim Fast, but I think I'm good for my locker food until I do. I mean, my locker really shouldn't be a pantry. Seems like that would act against me >_>

I really am such a fatass, aren't I? ...

On another note, I have Skins. Cassie shows up periodically on Ana sites, but if you don't know who she is, she's an character from a UK youth drama called Skins. She's such a beautiful character.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Locker Food

I've been trying to figure out why my appetite came back so strong. There are factors which make me suspect, like maybe the past couple weeks were mostly slimming because of how much of a pain my pms has been. I also suspect it might have to do with the family stress I've been going through, and things seem to have settled down a little bit. I mean, my mother is still horrible, but I've more or less stopped leaving things around which might be stolen or contaminated and there hasn't been much reason to suspect it's been over in the past few days. Though I can never be certain.

My other theory has to do with how much fiber I was getting before as opposed to now. I've run out of fiberone bars, and I've been eating less nutritious foods as a substitute, which isn't a good thing. Rice krispy treats are barely even food, even if they are 90 calories. They don't satisfy.

They're my locker food.

I'm hoping my boyfriend will take me to sam's club sometime soon and we can buy some slimfast, which is actually very healthy. Who knew a can of chocolate liquid could contain 20% of the daily requirement of fiber? He loves it, too. It's the most nutritious thing he'll actually eat. I figure I can stash a few cans in my locker as my locker food.

Locker food is a good thing. Saves me from going to Burger King and destroying all my progress.

The image came in my forever21 email. Has all the makings of good thinspo, doesn't it? If you like model skinnies, that is.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010


This was a trash can in a conference room I was in today... you might not think this is as amusing as I think it is.

Today when I woke up, I measured my waist - and it was under 25.5 inches - which is possibly the lowest ever. I'm not sure I trust that. For one because I hadn't had enough to drink yesterday, and two because I'm not my lowest weight, so why would my waist be smaller? Physically it was, but the rest of my stats just didn't make sense.

I've also been kind of a fuck up today. I haven't been hungry for days, suddenly my appetite is back and I need to find a way to keep it at bay. I think I need apples... It's apple season, and I love apples. Apples everywhere, and they're in everything. But I should just be eating apples, not apple-cider donuts. Apple danishes. Apple spice muffins. UGH. Damn you Tim Hortons.

Autumn is the most delicious season.

I will totally indulge in hot apple cider, though. A little bit, any chance I get. Maybe I'll try hard apple cider? I should really try hard apple cider. I'd replace my blood with apple cider if I could...

And Dunkin donuts has this pumpkin spice coffee... It's so damn good.

WHY are these things seasonal? It's not like most of what they're making is actually made fresh from hand-picked apples.

I must sound crazy right now. I guess I am a little bit.

I'm made of coffee today. And an apple cider donut. It tasted like apple cider, but fattier. It's been so long since I'd had a donut before this morning. Which makes sense, because they're so... insubstantial, you know? They're nothing. They're like fattening air. Coated in sugar. They look so good when they're sitting on the shelf, and it's like someone hands it to you, and it must have melted in your hand or something because suddenly it's gone and all that's left in a layer of sugar on your lips and lap.

And where is Mango? One of my blogging friends. She vanished some time when I wasn't posting, and I think she deleted her blog. Which is a shame. Maybe it's just private.

Sunday, September 12, 2010


I tried to email a picture to blogger from my phone, but it didn't work. I can still post the picture I tried to post, however - because I already uploaded it to facebook.

It's just a picture of my clavicle, one of my best features.

It's a shame the email thing didn't work. I may try it again some time. So if you see me post any random little squares in the future that don't really do anything, then assume that blogger just isn't interpreting my text/email right.

I know it's blogger, because it worked perfectly when I emailed it to myself.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

I set up my phone to send blogger updates, so this should help keep me on track :)
Though the updates will be quite short. We'll see how things work out ^_^

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Brain Cells Determine Obesity, Study Finds


After studying the effects of high fat diets on lab mice, researchers discovered that brain cells had become insulated from the body, cutting off signals that tell people to expend energy and stop eating.

I thought this was interesting, so I thought I would share.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010


I've been treating this blog the way I treat friendships.

Like things will be great for a while, but the friend will inevitable realize how worthless I am, and decide that I'm too boring, or weird to continue to be around.

I realize this is usually a self-fulfilling prophecy. That I pull away, and always feel sad, but like I'm doing them a favor.

"No really, it's okay. I suck."

My own low self esteem makes me pity myself sometimes. Which is sad too. Makes my brain turn inside out to think about self pity of self pity.

I don't even know what I mean.

It really is different here, though, than anywhere else in the real world. In the past, this blog has been a welcome responsibility, or something like that. Like people expect me to write.

Even when it was REALLY slow... like all summer, for instance - I never got *no* views, on analytics. Lowest was 3. Do I trust that? I don't know. But it feels good.

Anyway, now that I've given up on that accursed book, I hope I can be back.

Whatever I'm trying to say, let the one clear thing be that I love you girls.

Monday, September 6, 2010

I Give Up

I give up on reading that damn book. Why? I can't get into it. It contains interesting things, yes - but... It feels like a chore. I hate the book right now. I don't even remember how far I got.

So it's time it go back to the library...when I can find it.

Honesty. Well, what can you do?

Lately, I can't eat. Not at home. I can't eat at home. I've mentioned the filthy repulsive shitbeast before. For a while it was in jail. Then I came home late one awful night, and was horrified to find that it was in the house.

The extent to which my mother lied was disgusting. She lied when I heard the noises. She lied when I got scared. She lied all the way up the stairs. She lied when the shitbeast's door was locked from the inside. She lied when I was freaking out. She lied when I woke my dad... who eventually relented and told me what was going on. My mother deserves her misery. She's the worst person I've ever met. How does she live with herself?

I don't know why I didn't write about this. Maybe because the rage and horror took forever to get over. It was gone the next day. Probably had something to do with the fact that I left the house at three or four in the morning and my beau met me at the street corner to ride downtown to his ..let's call it nerd-club for now. We spent the night there. Slept on yoga mats on the floor.

Anyway, since the shitbeast got out of jail my mother has been having it over, in secret. It's not a secret anymore, I caught her in the act. It's been in my house. Both of my parents have been lying to me. My mother has no regard for how I feel, and her only amusement comes from farmville and hurting me.

The real point is, there's no food inside my house that I can trust hasn't been in the presence of the living shit. There's a box of fiber one bars I hid behind the couch. There's no food at home. There's nothing I'm comfortable touching or being in possession of. I need to get out of there.

I know it doesn't sound sane. Maybe it isn't. I think this has a lot to do with trust, ultimately. Having someone lie to you CONSTANTLY, who really DOES aim to hurt you... well, it doesn't do much for feeling secure. I'm completely alone when I'm at home. These fears follow me everywhere now. I can't trust my mother. I can't trust my father.

The difference between my mother and my father is that my mother WANTS to hurt me, and my father loves me, but is a complete jackass anyway. He lies too, but he feels bad because he actually cares about my well-being and doesn't want me to leave.

My dad yells because he just doesn't get it.

My mother pitches lines like "I don't know how [your boyfriend] can love you" "why is he with you"

She only says these things to hurt me. Then when she does, she laughs.

My homelife has been horrible.

I miss the mother I had when I was little. But then again, maybe she never loved me. Maybe I got that attention because first I was cute. Then she was nice because I wasn't a threat. Now? Now I think she's jealous of me.

She's got menopausal rage. She's gotten fat, does nothing but sit on the computer and become obsessed with myspace games. She hasn't had a job in eight years. Maybe nine. She does nothing but complain about my father, and myself. Especially me. She wants my father to hate me too.

I really didn't want this to become a rant.

I'm sorry.

But she's awful. She talks badly about me to my own nephew. She wants my nephew to hate me too... She's not manipulative enough to fool the six year old, though. He loves me. All this "Aunt *** doesn't love you enough to do this, or that" bullshit is ridiculous.

She should be linched.

She says "I love you" only when she's being sarcastic... one of those things she only does to upset me.

F*** that.

I have nothing at home. She's made that very clear. I can't even pet my dogs because they've been exposed to shit. I talk to them. But I won't let them touch me.

My mother is garbage.

My mother is scum.

My mother HATES me.

I stand by the jealousy thing. She says her other "children" are better than me. A delinquent and a violent alcoholic retarded piece of SHIT. There's a winning hand, right? Fuck you mom.

I should shut up, and save what I intended to say for my next blog. There's so much negativity in my life right now.

I'm sorry for the rage. This isn't who I am. This isn't who I was, and this isn't who I'm supposed to be. If I didn't have my boyfriend, I would have absolutely no escape. I probably wouldn't even be in school anymore, because I'd have flunked out without a sense that I deserve success or sanctuary.

It's really hard right now. It feels like being homeless, I imagine. There's a place I go to every night, yes - but I feel like I have to sleep with one eye open. I hide my things. I never know what's safe to touch. I can't eat in my house. There's no safe place. I'm scared to use that toilet, I have to clean it first. I feel like the soles of my shoes get too filthy to walk in clean places. Eventually, I just feel like I'm not clean at all, because the shower isn't clean. There's CONSTANT fear. There's nothing safe. I'm scared. All the time. I don't even care about being skinny right now. I'd be fat if I could be safe. I have absolutely no control over my environment right now.

But if my own mother is going to starve me, then so be it. Fuck you. You'll just hate me more when I'm thinner, you horrible critical bitch.