Friday, May 29, 2009

I made a thinspo video!

The following is text from the more info side-bar.

Why yellow? It's a motivating color.

I'm very pleased with the way this came out. The music is entrancing, isn't it? It's a remix of a song called "figure" by a band named Core, and it's creative commons. It's found here.

not all of the girls are typical thinspo, but I got on a roll, what can I say? They're all beautiful.

Want the images? I uploaded them to a site in a zip folder, I hope the link works for you :) let me know!

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

I don't really have much to say.

I went rummaging around thrift stores with my dad today, I got some cute clothes. Not much, though - lol, a staggering amount of stuff was a flashback from the early 90's.

I did find some like-new things my size, and I got them..even though part of me started to worry that they'd belonged to some girl who'd died >_< that weirded me out a little. I let it go, though...

Funny thing about thrift stores and sizing.. the size on the tag means nothing, there was a small that fit and an XL that was too small.

My legs are wobbly from my workout last night. It wasn't even that intense. I mostly blame the outer thigh workout I posted in my Last Blog. Did I do it wrong? I did twenty five on each side, using the couch instead of a ball. Seemed comfortable enough at first, but it was like I'd never used those muscles. So...yeah, I should start.

Apparently I'm nearing the weight of Ashley Judd.
Celebrity BMIs at their smallest
The biggest one on the list, but still.

She's stunning.

My body seems to really be rejecting being under 130. I'm more or less behaving, but my weight still still hovering somewhere between 127 and 130, kind of randomly.

That's all for now. Stay beautiful. :) I'll comment before bed.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

falling asleep, but giving you some fun stuff ^_^

My boyfriend and I took some pics today, playing with his camera. Gawd, I have an awful face. My skin...the angles...but that's not the point. That's got my self esteem down, but the pics reminded me that I have a long way to go.

I'm slowly losing weight. Slowly, but surely. I won't complain unless I gain or totally plateau, I guess.

One thing I don't understand, though, is that I get protein, I exercise a bunch, I'm losing weight - and I seem to be getting squishier. I kind of think maybe the fat is softening up before it goes away. It makes sense in my head, but I've never heard any science to make that not sound stupid. But yeah...I'm really really squishy.

Anyways, I found some amazing exercise videos. My trouble areas, as you may have seen, are my hips and thighs and butt and - all of that. Hell, even my calves are fat. I don't understand it, I just have really thick legs and always have.

This girl is amazing. If you look up "inner thigh workouts" on youtube, you get a ton of her videos. This one is one of my favorites - I just tried it a couple nights ago. It feels amazing.

This one looks like torture - Haven't tried it, but must...

I didn't own an exercise ball, but I can balance myself on something else, right?

lol, I started falling asleep on the couch writing this. I guess I don't have much else to say.
Suppose I could add that I've been watching "The Nanny" on Nick at night, I show I used to love as a kid, but never before did I realize how skinny the leading women are. Gorgeous, thin women.

and a bonus...


lol, I've been finding great links all over the place. Check my twitter, I usually post them. There's a ton of proana twitters, too - just check who I'm following. haha, I genuinely don't mean to whore my twitter, I just genuinely love it.

Friday, May 22, 2009

jealousy, paranoia, and a semi-random question.

I'm feeling pretty down. Firstly because I'm bloated with carbs. I slept all day, ended up waking up in time for dinner - ravioli and texas toast. like 500 calories. I still feel gross. But mostly because I haven't seen my boyfriend all day.

He was at some programmers thing.

Doing some crap or some other crap.

I don't care what they're doing. All I know is that it's going to be every friday night, so I don't get to see him on friday anymore. What's more than that, there was apparently a pretty girl there. A skinny asian girl. I guess I'm glad I have a boyfriend who tells me stuff like that when I ask, but I'm so terrified of being left for someone better than me... It sounds so stupid, but I always feel so worthless and ugly. I AM worthless and ugly.
It could be more frequent than just fridays, too. Apparently it could become damn near an everyday thing. I'm afraid I'm going to lose him to it. he's picking a fight with me on meebo because I told him I was upset.
Basically he could be spending every Friday night with a pretty skinny asian girl. Better than me. Everyone is better than me. I'm crap. I'm fat, ugly, and not as smart as I used to think I was.
Of course, I'd be upset in thinking he would prefer to be on a computer than with me, too.

I'm afraid of becoming better than I am now.
I'm afraid being thin.
My bad skin has become part of my identity, too
I'm afraid of actually being as beautiful as I want my boyfriend to think I am.
Partly, because no matter how many improvements I make to myself, my boyfriend is still a lover of breasts and faces, and I'm blessed in neither of those areas. God, why is he with me? I KNOW I'm not what he wants. I wouldn't leave him for anything in the world, but it's honestly painful to be with someone who you know would change you given the opportunity. That's the only thing I'd change about him...

I just realized I wouldn't be nearly as insecure if I believed he thought I was perfect just as I am.

He's supportive and handsome and affectionate and patient and so much else....things I didn't really think I could find in a man. I always thought I could find a man who thought I was perfect, though.

I know I shouldn't be so jealous. I know it's natural for a guy to look. I know he probably won't end up alone with the pretty girl. I'm almost certain he wouldn't cheat on me. The thought of him finding someone more attractive than me is devastating. I already know he does...

semi-random you think a genuinely unattractive person could get diagnosed with body dysmorphic disorder? Like if your shrink thought you were ugly, would he think it was a psychological issue that you thought you were ugly?

Thursday, May 21, 2009


Considering how obsessed I am with my weight, my bmi, my thighs, my hips, my arms... Considering all that, I'm not very good at getting what I want. Today wasn't too bad - but I'm feeling discouraged anyway. Maybe I'm in a bad mood because my boyfriend and I had an argument... I did something mildly annoying, and he read between the lines and decided that my motivation was something controlling. Anyways...ugh - he's not very good at understanding me. What he's usually good for is affection. When he with-holds that, that's when things get painful. He didn't do that this time, but I always get scared when we fight that that's what's going to end up happening ~ like that time on the bus...

My weight has been around 129. Possibly something like 128.5 - I have an old fashioned mechanical scale. Lowest weight ever. Yay.

If you ask me, they're highly under-rated. They're more consistent than digital scales, even though you have to reset them to zero every once and a while. They're also more convenient and trust-worthy. I can see the scale moving - I see where it lands. Plus, I think it's better not to obsess too much on the decimal amounts. The important thing is that I'm losing weight.

I also wore shorts today...Made me feel half naked and all I could think about all day was what shape my thighs were taking when I sat down or cuddled up next to my beau. So..yeah, I'm not done yet.

I hate my face, too..I'm breaking out and it actually kind of hurts. I'm accustomed to this sort of thing though. Not looking for remedies..I know how to take care of zits. I just wish I could cure acne.

Yesterday was pretty good, though. I ate under 1000 calories and got a decent amount of exercise. Oooh, by the way - there's a website I thought was awesome.

I haven't read every word, but I've skimmed the site and I'm in love with it.

Okay, girls - good luck. Stay strong.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Random Thinspo Post!

Was looking through thinspo, and decided I'd be a jerk not to share.

You know, with every pound I lose, thinspo has more of an effect on me. It feels...attainable. You girls have that experience too?

^I feel the same way.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Summer Challenge week two.

1. I've stated before that I want a gap between my thighs...I'm almost there. My hips are still a nightmare, but go figure. One goal at a time, I suppose. It'll have to be more of a gap than just not touching, though. I can still feel it when I'm walking.... hmm, I want hip-bones too now that I think about it. They're sort of there.

Things I have noticed since losing weight/restricting:
-My body works better. When I eat something, I notice it's effects on my body. When I eat carbs, I have more energy. You don't get that feeling when you eat whatever/whenever.
-I can't sleep with food in my stomach anymore, so I don't worry too much about eating at night because I can't rationalize it. I just don't want to, because I know it'll make it hard for me to sleep.
-I'm lighter. Seems obvious, but my boyfriend picked me up and carried my around the bus-stop the other day and I was less terrified then I used to be.... I feel like he won't drop me.
-I'm more mellow than I used to be. I used to be more of a spaz, but for some reason eating less calms me down. I can be around people. I feel like people don't automatically wonder what mental disorder or learning disability I have...they have to know me a while.
-furthermore, in relation to that, I feel less self-conscious around pretty girls. As long as I'm comparably skinny I feel less anxious.
-I can exercise longer - - and I jiggle less doing it.


I want to apologize, I feel like I was annoyingly critical of myself when I posted my last entry. I was just freaking out a little bit because it's not everyday I post a picture of myself in my underwear on the internet. I know we all think like that sometimes, but I overreacted.

I also want to thank everyone who said nice things to me ^_^ You girls rock.

I was 129 when I stepped on the scale this morning. I'm kind of impressed with myself, I don't usually lose that quickly - lol, but I don't know ... maybe I was just dehydrated. Or maybe it's cycle related, my period is ending.

Pigged out with my boyfriend today again. I ended up eating like half a bag of smartfood popcorn and 4 cookies. :[ I never would have gotten the cookies on my own...and there's a reason I should avoid popcorn. It's healthy in moderation, but I can't control myself. The's like I have one piece...and then another...and then another. It's addictive. I keep going. I only stopped because I was full...and not immediately either.
I HATE the way full feels.

Anyways, I don't see myself eating anything else tonight. Just lots and lots of water.


Was watching TV tonight. Commercials are downright cruel to middle aged women. Or even just women over thirty. It's scary - I think thirty is a beautiful age, but when I get there society is going to treat me like I'm past some expiration date. That's what I anticipate. Just thirty years ago, things weren't so bad. On the old star trek, all the love interests of Kirk's, or as my boyfriend calls them, "the ass," were curvy, and the right age for the crew members. That means thirty five and up, and not scrawny.
I mean, popular culture is so ... wrong
There was a commercial for wal-mart featuring a woman I consider to be thin...she was looking at her swimsuit, and then they narrated how great their prices on diet pills are.
You know that's just manipulative. Diet pills are for women more than ten pounds overweight, or at least that's what a doctor would say. But on television, we're constantly being made to feel not good enough.
Don't get me wrong, I'm totally against blaming the media for things like eating disorders, but the world would be a better place without shamelessly advertising diet pills to healthy women...It just pissed me off. Jeez, a week at the gym would have her toned - if she wasn't already, goddamnit, she was one of those house-wife models you see in all the domestic commercials. They're not fashion models, but they're never fat.

Okay. I need to pace. Or comment. I'll do both, I don't know what order.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Okay, gross ~_~

My Summer Challenge "before" pic.
Okay, that's even worse than I expected it to be. It's a bad angle, but that seems like an excuse. I guess I knew my hips were a nightmare, but that's just disgusting. I apologize if this disappoints some people, I think it might.
On the bright side, that's a real motivator. WOW is that a real motivator. If I don't have slimmer hips by the end of the challenge, you have my permission to stop following me. I really don't deserve followers.
It's gimped, but only for modesty and anonymity.
Okay, so what did I want to blog about? Besides my monstrous thighs.
I guess I could share a couple links I thought were motivating.

Lily Cole and Mary-Kate thinspo. Seriously good stuff O_O

You've probably heard all of these tips, but it's thinspirational to read them, I think.

So far today I've had less than 800 calories.

I haven't worked out, but I will.

I don't know if the image will stay up...If it goes down it'll probably happen when I post my next entry.

I'm not exactly articulate, tonight, am I? Wasted some thoughts on twitter, perhaps.
And I'm nervous. Terrified to hit "publish."

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Summer Challenge :)

:) You win, PrettyWreck, I'm joining the challenge ^_^
and thanks to skinnylove too for the encouragement :D

Age: 20
Current Weight: 131
Goal Weight Loss: Unsure. Under 130. I want my thighs to not touch. It's actually a small goal, but I'm still feeling out the atmosphere for that sort of thing. Besides, that's a big landmark, seeing as I'm currently at my lowest weight.
Personal Goal: Engage in one of the nerdy projects my boyfriend wants to do with me.
Biggest Challenges: I binge with my boyfriend. My dad brings home ttonnss of junk food.

No pics yet. Tomorrow maybe - Want to use my boyfriend's camera, could be tricky.

Question For Week #1
Instead of gold, he gives you a choice. You can either:
A) Be forever the weight of your dreams, and never have to worry about gaining a pound.
B) Be the richest person in the world, and your money will never run out

What do you choose?
A!! I don't want to be the richest woman in the world. Too many obligations and responsibilities. My boyfriend would think that's crazy, but I want to be middle class - and skinny....but if any of you girls got choice B I'd be completely willing to accept a few thousand dollars to pay my parents' and boyfriend's debts, and get my beau and I an apartment :)

I'm rather excited about this - I've never done a challenge. But this one seems less restrictive and others, and seeing as I have no real say in the groceries that come into my house, and am constantly wandering the city with my boyfriend, I don't have too much flexibility with what I have to eat. I just have to aim for a low calorie count.

Okay. There are a couple things I wanted to mention in this post. Like when I was at the coffee shop, and this gorgeous skinny girl with dark circles around her eyes watched me eat half a chicken focaccia sandwich...I think she saw me reading blogs, too. Had my computer turned away from my beau. She was probably thinking...What a wannarexic.
Wannarexic: pretty much a wanna-be anorexic. I'm sure everyone knows what one is...
I learned that word the other day, mentioned in a really fascinating debate on a forum I frequent in a thread about proana websites. I'd love to share that link with you, but I really can't...what with the potentiality of linking it to another username someone might recognize.
Basically there are a lot of girls who were former anorexics/bulimics who've decided that these sites are inherently bad. Others said that they were the only things giving them a support network, and kept them from killing themselves. I see things as the latter. But I can see how turning against the sites could help the temptation to visit, and trigger... It's a pretty heated argument.

Okay, I'll keep you posted. I've been stuck at this weight for a while now, I'm going to try harder ^_^ I'd like to show SOME progress for the challenge. Great motivation.

I'm also becoming increasingly obsessed with twitter - I suggest to check out my twitter feed, I have in on my blog if you don't want to have twitter, but if you do have twitter follow me and some of the really helpful girls I'm following.
Twitter might also serve as a pretty good prelude to my blogs. lol - if you start jonesin' for a Depth Perfection update.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

A few things.

I actually didn't eat an obscene amount today. I'm reluctant to say that though, because I tend to falter when I think I'm doing most well. Getting back to you girls makes me feel a lot better. I like being done with school; apart from the obvious reasons, I'm feeling free and motivated again. I feel like I'm going to lose weight again. Good. I want to have a bmi under twenty. That's my next goal, after I hit under 130 on the scale I mean.

I love my ana blog. It gives me structure, something I've always lacked in my life. Yes, I have a tendency to shirk responsibility like one would avoid the plague, but it makes me productive. I know what you're thinking...I should get a job. I keep thinking that more and more lately, too. My boyfriend wants to move out of his current apartment, but it's all he can afford right now. Granted, his female roommate is excellent thinspo, but you can see why I don't protest. All they share is the kitchen, but the girl eats...believe it or not.

I realized one of the reasons I love reading your blogs is because it makes me feel like I'm behind the scenes. It makes me feel like a human, relating to other humans. It sounds fairly obvious, but it's an odd, warming feeling to me. Humanity.

I tend to have this mindset, this cynical mindset that makes me feel like no one wants to be my friend. That there's something inherently unwanted about me that makes me unlikable. In fact, even hate-able. Seriously - When I close my eyes when someone walks by me in the hall, I have the sensation like they're going to punch me. Attack me in some way. My boyfriend is the only one that doesn't give me that feeling.

Anyways, I'm sure I'll end up seeing the star trek movie at some point. Which is awesome. My boyfriend's been making me watch the original series. One of you girls mentioned the New Uhura being total thinspo. I forgot who.. you can claim credit in the comments, lol. Anyways, I actually don't like it. That this Uhura is so skinny. I was really happy with the old Uhura being bigger than me. I like that she was a sex symbol for that. Times have changed, but there's such a difference between the two photos below...

It was comforting that she was considered attractive. Does anyone know what I mean? It makes me feel a little superior to a woman widely considered beautiful. I have nothing on the new Uhura. -_- My nerd boyfriend will leave me. Not really...but you understand the sentiment.

Anyways, I'll leave you with another picture some of you might appreciate, perhaps you've seen it before. I hadn't, but I don't really follow Nicole Richie.

Love it ? Combination Celebrity/Ballet thinspo. lol :)

Love you girls, you're amazing. Stay strong, stay beautiful.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Found a cool picture...and update

Found this pic scanning through Xanga sites

It just made me stop and look at it, because I've felt that exact same way before. Looking at myself in the mirror... grabbing a handful of fat and just thinking about how nice it would be if I could just cut it off. Not literally... but you know.

It just struck a chord with me.

Anyways, my school concerns are just about over. Not completely, though. I'm still extremely concerned for my TAP award. At least everything is in. The exams are over. There's nothing left to do now but wait and see how I did.

Which means I should be able to return to my blogging, like a good girl.

Admittedly, I'm reluctant. I shouldn't be, but I'm ashamed of the way I've been eating. I hit my goal weight at some point. I've gained a couple pounds since then. Not a lot...but enough that I know what a fat failure I've been.

Every time I screw up I tell myself that it's just a break to get my metabolism going strong. I guess it works...but I always overshoot. You know what I mean? I know it's healthy to try to eat normal every once and a while, but...I eat the wrong things. I go for pure crap. Chocolate, fried foods, microwave breakfast sandwiches. I guess I could blame it on PMS, but it feels like just another excuse.

I usually lose weight in the summer, though. Warm weather is here, and my beau and I will probably be walking places more, and I'll have more incentive to not curl up under three warm blankets when I should be exercising, in the time I have alone.

I've noticed that when my mother upsets makes me not want to eat. I would hate to say she has any kind of control over me, but it makes me wonder. I really. Really. Hate my mother today.

My dad gave me $20 to get her a gift.

I really have nothing to say to that...I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know... I want to get her a card that just says "FUCK YOU BITCH" but the last thing I want to do is give her one more reason to think my life revolves around making her miserable. It's really the other way around... She's a horrible person.

Ever had anyone laugh at you when you were upset? She does that...ALL the time. She laughs at all of my feelings. I get more upset, she gets colder. She tells me I'm worthless. Lazy. She called me an idiot today. I wish I could explain the reason for the fight, but it's disgusting to me, and i don't want to talk about it.

Here's a piece of thinspo I found online today. I rarely find a piece that really speaks to me, but for some reason - this picture motivates me.

Oh, and I drank a 2 liter of diet pepsi. lol - I don't know whether to be proud or not.