Tuesday, May 12, 2009

A few things.

I actually didn't eat an obscene amount today. I'm reluctant to say that though, because I tend to falter when I think I'm doing most well. Getting back to you girls makes me feel a lot better. I like being done with school; apart from the obvious reasons, I'm feeling free and motivated again. I feel like I'm going to lose weight again. Good. I want to have a bmi under twenty. That's my next goal, after I hit under 130 on the scale I mean.

I love my ana blog. It gives me structure, something I've always lacked in my life. Yes, I have a tendency to shirk responsibility like one would avoid the plague, but it makes me productive. I know what you're thinking...I should get a job. I keep thinking that more and more lately, too. My boyfriend wants to move out of his current apartment, but it's all he can afford right now. Granted, his female roommate is excellent thinspo, but you can see why I don't protest. All they share is the kitchen, but the girl eats...believe it or not.

I realized one of the reasons I love reading your blogs is because it makes me feel like I'm behind the scenes. It makes me feel like a human, relating to other humans. It sounds fairly obvious, but it's an odd, warming feeling to me. Humanity.

I tend to have this mindset, this cynical mindset that makes me feel like no one wants to be my friend. That there's something inherently unwanted about me that makes me unlikable. In fact, even hate-able. Seriously - When I close my eyes when someone walks by me in the hall, I have the sensation like they're going to punch me. Attack me in some way. My boyfriend is the only one that doesn't give me that feeling.

Anyways, I'm sure I'll end up seeing the star trek movie at some point. Which is awesome. My boyfriend's been making me watch the original series. One of you girls mentioned the New Uhura being total thinspo. I forgot who.. you can claim credit in the comments, lol. Anyways, I actually don't like it. That this Uhura is so skinny. I was really happy with the old Uhura being bigger than me. I like that she was a sex symbol for that. Times have changed, but there's such a difference between the two photos below...

It was comforting that she was considered attractive. Does anyone know what I mean? It makes me feel a little superior to a woman widely considered beautiful. I have nothing on the new Uhura. -_- My nerd boyfriend will leave me. Not really...but you understand the sentiment.

Anyways, I'll leave you with another picture some of you might appreciate, perhaps you've seen it before. I hadn't, but I don't really follow Nicole Richie.

Love it ? Combination Celebrity/Ballet thinspo. lol :)

Love you girls, you're amazing. Stay strong, stay beautiful.


  1. Can totally relate. People in real life are all pretty screwed up, and we all walk around with our masks on competing and judging one another.

    In this community masks come off, people tell the truth, and strangely enough it amalgamates into a great big love-in! You're right about it feeling "behind the scenes" - this is what life is really like for us and we all support each other through it because we all understand it.

  2. the difference between those two pictures... it's crazy. we live in a fucked-up world. *sigh*

  3. Lol, it was me who was ogling over the new Uhura.
    At times I wish that the "perfect woman" was one with a Marilyn Monroe figure....

    I think you should take on the challenge, regardless of you being wary ;]

    It did take a while for me to muster up enough "courage" to post those photos. But I want to be as honest as possible, you know?

  4. I saw about the thing with wanting to join the summer challenge...
    I think you should. Not just because I made it. Actually, totally because I did, and I am a shameless, shameless attention whore who always wants all the cool kids to play with me. Buuuuuuut at least I'm honest about it.
    And I'm not posting my picture until I post up my after picture in August. I'm more of a coward than Skinny Love D:! But she looks WAY better than me.

    I get that feeling a lot--like there's something inherently wrong in me that makes me just...not able to be liked. And with this playing with not eating/Ednos thing I've got going on, it feels exaggerated. Like I'm some leper and if I ever tried to explain it to someone, they'd scoff at me and make it out to be nothing.

    Here I feel like I can connect with people in an honest way. Like I don't have to hide this part of me that feels dirty, and like I start to fail, I have a place I can go and fall apart, and not have people make it worse by telling me I'm doing it wrong, you know? It gives me strength to see others succeed, and makes me want to succeed too.

    It makes me want to do this, so I can show them and everyone that it can be done, and so I can show them that when they give so much help and so many words of strength, that it's not misplaced. I want to make them proud. Isn't that silly?

    I agree on the new Uhura bit. She was hot in the old episodes. But, I like girls, and my first loves were Marilyn Monroe and Bettie Page. They were not the tiny women of today. Marilyn Monroe was a 14, I think?
    Audrey Hepburn was much thinner, and my current obsession, but yeah.

    There was a different definition of sexy then. A better one, I think. If you look up CeCe LaRue, you'll see the old definition still in place. She's a sexy, beautiful woman, who wears it proudly, and she's modern XD I mean, she's still a model. But yeah. You gotta look her up to see it XD I've posted thinspo with her before, because in some pics she's that perfect middle ground between too thin and too big, and yeah. Very classic. Hard to explain.

    And I just rambled to you. I'm so sorry!
    Good luck, bb! I'll be looking for more updates :3 ♥ ♥