House and University

My boyfriend and I have been watching house.
And the thing about House is, every woman on the show shows chest
but they don't have cleavage
they have a minimum of three visible chest ribs (showing above the low cut shirts, I mean. I'm sure there are more).





I've mentioned before that I make a game of counting ribs. I want ribs. It bugs the hell out of me that this is supposed to be sexy though. Seriously, watch an episode sometime, if you're not already familiar with it. I feel confident that every woman on the show has some sort of eating disorder.

Anyways, things have been dramatic with my boyfriend, but I think things are okay for now.

School started and I have structure in my life again.
Once my period ends I'm going to start hitting the gym again.
and then I can get off this awful plateau, and sleep better and maybe stop feeling like a complete horrific failure.

Honestly, the girls around school are stunningly thin. It's a spectacle sometimes. One girl, I saw her walking down the hall. There must have been an inch and a half gap between her thighs as she was walking. Epic thinspo. She made me feel so big.

Okay. I need to drink heaps of water and hit the sack.

Societal expectations of beauty are BullShit.

Apparently the perfect BMI is 20.85

I feel like I may have blogged this before. At the time I learned this, I was significantly heavier than I am now, and I was stunned. Offended even, that this was considered worthy of the title "Okay girls, relax, 20.85 is now the perfect body!" Goddamnit, no! I had to work for that bmi, and after that I'm down to a bmi of 20 that number still strikes me as bullshit. 20.85? I'm know my boyfriend is attracted to women thinner than I am. I have no doubt. He's not atypical either. Maybe other men are better at hiding it, but girls, we know who we see men looking at.

There's another standard out there that's quite popular. It's 36-24-36 measurements.
Those measurements don't go with that bmi.
Actually, Sir Mix-a-Lot Probably said it best. "36-24-36? Ha ha, only if she's 5'3"

That's probably about how tall you'd have to be to have those measurements and that bmi.

Do any of us want..."back?"

No. No we do not.

I certainly wouldn't mind a 24 inch waist. Mine was 25.5 this morning, and my weight was 126 - which would be my thinnest, but I don't necessarily trust the scale.

The point I'm trying to get at is that it's unrealistic to set out standards on what society gives us to go by. That's what most people seem to think anorexics are going by. That society is giving us "unrealistic expectations" of beauty and that we're trying to live up to them, but in reality we're probably the only ones who aren't listening to those societal expectations.

Because they don't make sense.

So we do with our bodies what we think is beautiful, for whatever beautiful reasons they might be. Like a ... "fuck you" to those very same societal expectations. We're too smart to be convinced that what's normal is what's beautiful. We just sort of...opt out of playing the same failure game that everyone else plays.

It seems like the delusional game the rest of the world is playing [about getting a 24 inch waist the healthy way] is just as crazy as starving yourself. More so. Restricting will get you there. 1800+ calories a day won't. It might make you *muscular* if you're working out.

God, people are just so full of contradictions.

They say 'be healthy.'

If they say it to a fat person they're saying 'lose weight'

If they're saying it to a "healthy" person, they mean 'don't get thinner than me'

and if they're saying it to a thin person, they mean 'get fat so I can be thinner than you'

Fuck that nonsense.

I know what I want.

~

So that was the rant I had waiting in my reserves. What do you think?

I want to direct you guys to a great website I stumbled upon yesterday. PrettyThin
It's like a proana myspace and it has heaps of users. I can't believe I didn't know about it O_O

a couple thinspo videos

Trying to catch up on some blogs

I'm not going to say much...I'm under stress. I need a job. I don't have much else to add to that.

So have some thinspo.


I found this video on youtube, it's really beautiful and perfectly well done.


And this one is pretty inspirational too . :] More uplifting.

Links to my better posts

Since I have over fifty posts I realize that many of my newer readers aren't going to go through my old blogs reading all the fluff, so I decided to make a list of links to some of my more useful blogs. Maybe I'll do a thinspo list another time, looking through my old posts I noticed I have a lot of those too.

Anyways, usually I make my links to open in a new tab, but this time I'm going to make the default link open in the same window and put an 'X' next to it that will open in a new window. I figure some people might prefer to just back track, at least when it's a list like this.

From newest to oldest:
Body Frame Size [X]

Inner thigh, outer thigh, butt workouts [X]

YouTube exercise videos [X]

Metamucil [X]

Tips [X]

Pro-Ana[X]
^ Not necessarily "useful" but I like this one.

Calories Per Minute chart[X]

I don't post useful blogs enough. I hate getting all vulnerable... I write a lot of emotional blogs and people seem to take well to them, but I think in general the ones that have info like that are more appreciable. Helping others is really what keeps me in line. I learn so much, too.

I feel like I've learned so much about dieting since I've been blogging. If the topic comes up around my boyfriend's friends (they're all fat, remember?) I feel so tempted to bring up all the tips I have in my repertoire, but I'm afraid it would make me look sick. I mean, I can't act normal around them anyway, and I'm half their size - even if I'm still just an average weight. In any case, I feel like that shouldn't be the subject I open up about so eagerly.

Anyways, later my friends.

Thinspo post...

I'm just going to post thinspo. I've been meaning to do this for a while.




















This one is from the facebook group "I want to be a thinspo!" Just saying because it really stuck out to me.



I looove legs like that.



This one might not be completely new, but it's always been one of my favorites. I just don't like the whole scene girl look thing... but her thighs are amazing.









She looks like a doll...






I Want That Skirt!!! <3 So pretty.









Her legs, please.

nothingness

I'm feeling so.. unproductive and unbeautiful. I'm shirking my responsibilities, as a student, a girlfriend, a daughter, and a human being... not to mention as someone who cares about their weight...

Has anyone ever read that children's book, I think it's about this kid who learns what his teacher does after school and how she's a person and all that; but he thought she just sort of ceased to exist when he wasn't in class. Like she was a robot.

That's kind of what I do. When someone doesn't call on me, I go back to my box, the living room, and pace and watch tv and go on the internet and occasionally fuss over the dogs. I don't do housework, I don't have a job, I don't write in my blog like I should be doing at the bare minimum... I fulfill none of my obligations as a human being.

I live a truly pathetic life; that's only slightly less pathetic because I have my boyfriend. He makes me feel like I have some worth...sometimes.

I guess I have nothing real to complain about him... nothing new at least. We had an argument the other night because of some stupid hippy chick who doesn't wear a bra. He says he wasn't looking... We've been through all this before. I think it was gross... but my boyfriend says stupid things. He said he noticed but didn't ogle... I know he looked; but I can accept it as not such a big deal. It's hard to explain what went wrong there... I mean YES, it bothers me that he looked. . .more than once. I believe it wasn't really lust or anything. It was a spectacle. She was fairly (not hugely, but still) large breasted and it was chilly... and she's got huge nipples. So it was waaaay out there.

I said it was gross. He Disagreed. How stupid is my boyfriend?
He was mad at me for being mad at him. I ended up going home early. I didn't really want to.

Today I wanted to forget all about it... but he hurt his back somehow and I couldn't even get the cuddling I wanted and needed because he was in pain. I fussed over him. Looked up stuff online about lower back pain and had him lie on the floor with his feet propped up.

I'm not mad at him; I mean he's a bitch to fight with and he tends to think he's smarter than me..or at least that's the impression I get...but both of those things are to be expected. How you act in an argument is a reflection of your personality; and I generally just let him do all the thinking. Hell, I make him do all the thinking.

It occurs to me that if I weren't addicted to oxytocin (the chemical you emit when you're being affectionate) we probably would have broken up ages ago.

I'm a fetus. I think about that phrase sometimes. It suits me. A womb. warm all the time. never hungry. small. invisible to everyone, but known of and celebrated.

Does that make sense? Just being warm...and thoughtless...not worrying about anything at all.

I don't want to die, I just sometimes wish I were never born.

And when I get like this, it's stressful too. Partly because I know I should be doing things. Like..trying to figure out what the hell is going on with my financial aid. I don't know if I mentioned it. It's because I don't want to think about it. It terrifies me.

I always felt like my worth was my beauty and intelligence. But I don't feel that smart anymore, and I really don't think there's anyone in the world who really finds me beautiful.

-_-







Sometimes I flat out say to my boyfriend "tell me I'm thin and pretty"
I make my boyfriend lie to me.
I'm sick.

I insult myself, but I'm really kind of numb to it. Though I have heaps of things I'm stressed about and heaps of things I don't want to lose, I find that I can't be bothered to do jack shit to help myself.

Updates and Body Frame Size

I learned something while camping for a week. Sorry for the long absence, by the way. I was gone for a week, living in a cabin with no electricity in a park where there are bears. I spent the whole first night thinking I was going to die. o_0 I got over that eventually, though. I didn't see any bears... but other people did. I can't go into too much detail about individuals, but yeah... bears.

Got sooo much exercise though. One day with did a ten mile hike. It took six hours. Granted, there were children there, but there was still six hours of muchly uphill hiking. Wow. I felt amazing. I know what you're thinking though - you're much more impressed with the children. lol, me too. Kids are perfect for stuff like that. A five minute break and they're running laps around the mountain.

I ended up losing two pounds...I think I've gained it back now, though. Which is sad.
I haven't been counting calories.
It's both something I'm kind of proud of and something I'm terrified of.
I didn't think I could do that, but sooner or later I'm going to have to start again. It's just freeing to not do it.
I think I should just avoid things...but I haven't gotten good at that without numbers backing me up. Maybe that's a weakness. Maybe that's something I should be working on? For instance...I just ate four blocks of a Hershey's Giant Bar.

Am I crazy or stupid?

Anyways... Body frame size. I learned in discussion that body frame size can be measured with the size of your wrist. So I googled it and got:
This Page

Women:

* Height under 5'2"
o Small = wrist size less than 5.5"
o Medium = wrist size 5.5" to 5.75"
o Large = wrist size over 5.75"
* Height 5'2" to 5' 5"
o Small = wrist size less than 6"
o Medium = wrist size 6" to 6.25"
o Large = wrist size over 6.25"
* Height over 5' 5"
o Small = wrist size less than 6.25"
o Medium = wrist size 6.25" to 6.5"
o Large = wrist size over 6.5"

Men:

* Height over 5' 5"
o Small = wrist size 5.5" to 6.5"
o Medium = wrist size 6.5" to 7.5"
o Large = wrist size over 7.5"

I measured my wrist. It's under six inches. I actually kind of find it hard to believe that I'm small framed, when I'm a healthy weight and my size in everything is "Medium." But I checked several sources, apparently that's standard.

After you check that out, you can check this out too: HERE
Apparently I'm in the healthy range for a small framed, 5'7" person.

...wait, what's elbow measurement? I don't know how to do that...
*learns how to do that*
apparently I'm still small framed.

This is a very strange realization for me.

:] but I guess it's a good one.

Okay. Enough of my rambling.

Enjoy this: The Lovely Bones
It has lots of pop-ups, but it also seems to have lots of good stuff.

How Cute Is This??

feeling sugar sick since sunday afternoon...

I ate so much pure junk on Sunday. My aunt decided to make father's day a get-together kind of thing. My beau was invited. She's very...as my beau described it: "Food is love." So, yeah - we were all stuffed to the gills. I'm too embarrassed to say how many calories I actually ate. I think you'd have to be an athletic 15 year old boy to not gain from it though. Anyways, it all just made me feel sick, and I was exhausted all day anyway from having to wake up early [for me] two days in a row.

Anyways, it wasn't all bad. Socially it was a pleasant day.

Spent today with my beau, watching X-men. Nothing major happened. Just some much-needed snuggling. I always get annoyed when I see a fake redhead though, especially when they're trying to pass them off as a pleasant character in a film.

Okay. I also wanted to mention that I pretty much have my boyfriend taking food away from me. He says it's a little disturbing. I told him it's for the better. I could take it back if I wanted, but it really gives me a second chance to consider how much I've been eating. I actually recommend training your boyfriends to do the same. lol - it wasn't hard, I just started saying "take this away from me" and now he does it without my saying. He understands that sometimes once I've gotten started I can't stop myself.

Was there anything else? Yes. Pickles. Pickles are salty crunchy and tastey. I had no idea how good they were for cravings.

Anyways...to end on a high note

Check out her hip bones - they look razor sharp.


and tiny thighs

So what does one eat while camping??

I wanna thank PrettyWreck for her epic comment on my last post explaining men. lol. I've heard that it's natural and normal for guys to look. But you explain it better than my beau. His explanation of "They're just THERE" was never really good enough.

It still bugs me. I know it's not healthy. But every time we're in the vicinity of a girl thinner than me, clear skinned, big boobed - any of the above, I worry he'll realize any of them would be lucky to date him. I just want to snatch him up and run away from that situation, off somewhere we can be alone and snuggle.

..................

Calorie wise... Things have been.. not so good. But my period's over. Situational eating is the problem lately. I'm pretty disgusted with myself right now. I think I've gained. I'm reluctant to accept that it's anything but water weight from my period. I don't even want to say. I don't think my thighs have grown - they're what I'm watching. They still barely touch. I want them to shrink, but I'm not being proactive at all with the skinny-making. Maybe I've been too busy and stressed lately.

I'll probably end up eating scarcely when I go camping in July. For a week. The food available will probably be...What *does* someone generally eat on a camping trip with no electricity? In any case, the people who'll likely be in charge of food are the kind of people with the "god made dirt and dirt don't hurt" philosophy... so I might end up pretty grossed out by anything they make.

That's really the biggest thing I have to look forward to. Pretty exciting.

I looked for thinspo in the woods in image google... searched a bunch of different word combinations. I can't find any thin-enough women that aren't pornographic. Which is unfortunate..

So instead I'll post a pic or two of the girl from the movie 21: Kate Bosworth. Watched that with my beau tonight. While the characters were counting cards I was counting the ribs in her chest. Some pictures of the actress:


^From the movie


< SKINNY legs O_O do want.


^ Holy Crap, is that one real??

...but I love LiLo

This weekend has been stuffed full of walking, and enough food for a normal healthy human being. I guess that's nothing to be ashamed of. I've at least been distracted from my failures. The only *really* awful thing I've eaten this weekend is a large strawberry triple thick milkshake from McDonald's. I drank most of it. There was a little help from my boyfriend. And eventually I just couldn't stomach the stuff. Yeah, I stuffed myself sick with all the wrong food. I won't get too far into the failure of that evening.

I've decided most of my poor choices are absent minded. I get myself food - and I eat until it's gone. I always have to finish what I start. It's...a poor choice.

Had a couple more unhappy moments with my boyfriend this weekend. He said something along the lines of having considered breaking up with me because he makes me miserable. I guess it could be interpreted that way. I wouldn't be able to function without him, though. But basically he was staring at this chicks boobs... yeah, that's how it goes. I caught him, he got mad, I started putting myself down. Every time I feel like I'm not perfect to him, I want to die. It sounds dramatic. It always passes. It's awful, though. I'm not even sure what happened. Sometime today he got all sweet again and said he'd never leave me.

I don't want him to leave me.

I don't even know what's going on.

Oh...and apparently I'm not getting financial aid.. I don't even want to think about that right now. It's totally out of the blue and if I can't appeal I'm getting a job. I guess I should get a job anyway. Thankfully I go to a relatively cheap school, though tuition is rising. :[

Anyways, I'm posting some thinspo because I feel like my posts have been weak lately.








Lohan looks amazing in those pics, doesn't she?? I *love* that girl.

Unattainable Grace.

The fail is that I ate like a professional football player Saturday. I'd had a fight with my boyfriend the day before, and it's right around pms time so I... yeah, I tried to keep count but I think it was around 2500 calories. I ate so much my stomach ached. I couldn't stop myself. It was... a weird experience. Never has self control been so...difficult. I wanted to stop, but it was like I had to taste everything in the kitchen.

I failed yesterday, too - but it was weird. I ate about half a bag of tostidos and a bunch of m&ms with my boyfriend. This mindless, almost tasteless intake of food.

I'm less upset about yesterday because I had an argument with my dad. Which...completely made me laugh, because he told me I couldn't get a ride to my boyfriend's apartment, or from. Said I could take the bus. Being Sunday, the bus schedule sucks - however, it was a pleasant day and I coordinated with my boyfriend to meet at a corner that's probably about the same distance from my house and his mother's house, so we walked together. Then later at night, I sent my parents texts asking for a ride. Buses don't go by his house past six pm.

Nothin'

So, basically I spent the night at my boyfriend's apartment ... as punishment.
That's pretty amusing, isn't it?

I've complained before about my parents trying to control my spending the night with my boyfriend; I'm 20 and in a long term committed relationship...but when it's used as a threat? lol, it was a win-win scenerio. If they gave me a ride, I'd win. If they don't? Then I spend all night snuggling with more pleasant company.

My boyfriend was also very sweet today, called himself a bad boyfriend. We talked a little, and I'm feeling much better now. Hm... Oh, I never mentioned we had a fight.

There's a girl at this nerd meet-up thing.

The TINIEST woman I've ever seen in my life. I mentioned the asian girl, right? Yes.

Yeah, I went with him Friday.

She was...gorgeous, and so fucking tiny. She was short, but skinny. Super skinny. She was dressed in baggy clothes, but I damn near dropped dead when I saw her get out of her car. She must be 70lbs..Hell, given how short she was, maybe less. I was so discouraged I cried about it later. I didn't even start the fight with him, though, after I asked if we could leave. I was... unresponsive. He got frustrated. I was probably talking about how tiny she was a lot, and he told me to stop. We got some chinese food. Chicken and broccoli shouldn't be that greasy...but I ate all of it. God, I've probably been on a binge since Friday night.

Things are calming down. Usually a thin woman is thinspo. and it's true, while I was at that nerd meet-up I didn't eat a damn thing. The moment I left though... Well, I had reeses cups in my purse.

I managed to give some to my boyfriend, and I only had five with me. It started slow. I might have had two.
but yeah..it peaked Saturday.

She was sooo discouraging. I KNEW that I could never be as pretty as her. I knew my boyfriend would be seeing her every Friday night. I know he thinks she's pretty. and I KNOW that I would die long before I ever got to looking like her. It's Just. Not. Fair. I started to think about how ceasing to exist wouldn't be so bad. She put my mind in the absolutely worst place. You know what her name was? Grace. Unattainable Grace. She had such tiny fingers too, picking apart that scone. Scones are tastey, but they're not safe. She ate it like she had no appetite, like it was just food, and didn't matter at all.

The best I can do is going without.
but if I get it...
I inhale it. I lust for it.

It just wasn't fair. I wanted to die. I really wanted to die.

.............

Anyways, I keep daydreaming about two things...moving in with my boyfriend, and an elliptical. Hmm.. Both are probably easily attainable, but getting a job and moving scare me.

Okay, to make this entry worthwhile, I'll post a little elliptical thinspo.

Sorry if the entry has been scattered.



Oh, PS: My thinspo video has 102 views ^_^ That's some win in an ocean of fail.

I made a thinspo video!

The following is text from the more info side-bar.

Why yellow? It's a motivating color.

I'm very pleased with the way this came out. The music is entrancing, isn't it? It's a remix of a song called "figure" by a band named Core, and it's creative commons. http://www.archive.org/details/exp042 It's found here.

not all of the girls are typical thinspo, but I got on a roll, what can I say? They're all beautiful.

Want the images? I uploaded them to a site in a zip folder, I hope the link works for you :) let me know!

http://uploading.com/files/H8NLJ6UB/yellow.zip.html

Random Thinspo Post!

Was looking through thinspo, and decided I'd be a jerk not to share.

You know, with every pound I lose, thinspo has more of an effect on me. It feels...attainable. You girls have that experience too?






^I feel the same way.