nothingness

I'm feeling so.. unproductive and unbeautiful. I'm shirking my responsibilities, as a student, a girlfriend, a daughter, and a human being... not to mention as someone who cares about their weight...

Has anyone ever read that children's book, I think it's about this kid who learns what his teacher does after school and how she's a person and all that; but he thought she just sort of ceased to exist when he wasn't in class. Like she was a robot.

That's kind of what I do. When someone doesn't call on me, I go back to my box, the living room, and pace and watch tv and go on the internet and occasionally fuss over the dogs. I don't do housework, I don't have a job, I don't write in my blog like I should be doing at the bare minimum... I fulfill none of my obligations as a human being.

I live a truly pathetic life; that's only slightly less pathetic because I have my boyfriend. He makes me feel like I have some worth...sometimes.

I guess I have nothing real to complain about him... nothing new at least. We had an argument the other night because of some stupid hippy chick who doesn't wear a bra. He says he wasn't looking... We've been through all this before. I think it was gross... but my boyfriend says stupid things. He said he noticed but didn't ogle... I know he looked; but I can accept it as not such a big deal. It's hard to explain what went wrong there... I mean YES, it bothers me that he looked. . .more than once. I believe it wasn't really lust or anything. It was a spectacle. She was fairly (not hugely, but still) large breasted and it was chilly... and she's got huge nipples. So it was waaaay out there.

I said it was gross. He Disagreed. How stupid is my boyfriend?
He was mad at me for being mad at him. I ended up going home early. I didn't really want to.

Today I wanted to forget all about it... but he hurt his back somehow and I couldn't even get the cuddling I wanted and needed because he was in pain. I fussed over him. Looked up stuff online about lower back pain and had him lie on the floor with his feet propped up.

I'm not mad at him; I mean he's a bitch to fight with and he tends to think he's smarter than me..or at least that's the impression I get...but both of those things are to be expected. How you act in an argument is a reflection of your personality; and I generally just let him do all the thinking. Hell, I make him do all the thinking.

It occurs to me that if I weren't addicted to oxytocin (the chemical you emit when you're being affectionate) we probably would have broken up ages ago.

I'm a fetus. I think about that phrase sometimes. It suits me. A womb. warm all the time. never hungry. small. invisible to everyone, but known of and celebrated.

Does that make sense? Just being warm...and thoughtless...not worrying about anything at all.

I don't want to die, I just sometimes wish I were never born.

And when I get like this, it's stressful too. Partly because I know I should be doing things. Like..trying to figure out what the hell is going on with my financial aid. I don't know if I mentioned it. It's because I don't want to think about it. It terrifies me.

I always felt like my worth was my beauty and intelligence. But I don't feel that smart anymore, and I really don't think there's anyone in the world who really finds me beautiful.

-_-







Sometimes I flat out say to my boyfriend "tell me I'm thin and pretty"
I make my boyfriend lie to me.
I'm sick.

I insult myself, but I'm really kind of numb to it. Though I have heaps of things I'm stressed about and heaps of things I don't want to lose, I find that I can't be bothered to do jack shit to help myself.

I felt like if I sneezed, I'd lose my soul.

I'm exausted. Today was a big day. Basically I had to get up at a reasonable hour today to go on a family picnic. I ate a lot of potato salad... It was delicious, but seeing as I saw my dad make the stuff it's miraculous I could stomach it. Jeez, he used like half a tub of mayonnaise on that. >_< Yeah. My biggest mistake was the fudge-striped shortbread cookies. I didn't go too overboard...but it shouldn't have happened. I did better at resisting my beau's junk food than usual. He's quite well stocked.

Running around with a five year old nephew made for okay exercise. He wore me out.

Then I had a group thing. It involved a skinny girl. I try to make my beau think everyone thinner than me has an eating disorder. That's messed up, isn't it? I casually mentioned to him after we left her that the biggest reason women take up smoking is because it's an appetite suppressant.
She has lost weight, though. She came in with a friend a year ago, and she was never fat but she was fat in comparison. Now? She's a twig.

I also managed to tell him some fairly depressing thoughts I have.

First of all, I told him that when I think he thinks a woman is more beautiful than me, it makes me feel worthless - like it wouldn't matter if I died, because there's nothing special about me and I could easily be replaced - traded up, even. I've been trying to be more understanding...thinking of his just-looking as a reflex they can't control as prettywreck suggested. I do think I'm less paranoid about that in particular. But that doesn't get that fear out of my head, that he's looking at someone who IS prettier than me and thinking they they ARE prettier than me. Go figure. -_-

I also told him that after he called, from the store, where he and this skinny girl were picking up snacks for an event, I got suddenly very depressed. This intense sad feeling. And...I thought I felt like I had to sneeze. And I felt like if I sneezed that my soul would escape. It sounds silly, but that's what it really felt like. I thought about it, and I don't think it was really a sneeze feeling. I think it was an about-to-cry feeling. For some reason, they felt a lot alike. Have you heard the origin of "god bless you;" that people actually used to believe a sneeze was the soul trying to escape? I always thought that was silly. Maybe it started with a similar feeling.

My beau told me I could probably get medicated in five minutes with that story, and that I should probably talk to someone.

Meh. It felt good anyway.

I gotta think sometimes about how obvious it is that I'm jealous. The way I squeeze in next to my boyfriend whenever there's a pretty girl around. The fact that I pinch and whisper to him. Sometimes he whispers back too loudly, but I don't know if I can really complain in that department. I think about how awkward it is that when I'm around a girl with my beau when I don't want to talk to her but I sit between her and my beau anyway. Ahh, the quiet on the train today. So awkward. I'm almost sadistic about it. I don't hate that girl. She's pretty cool. But around my beau, every woman under 160lbs becomes a target for ridicule the moment I'm out of earshot.

I kind of hate myself for it, but it feels necessary to me. I know better. I do. but I can't let my beau walk away without realizing some girl's many many faults. Even if I have nothing to say but "skank" about a complete stranger.

If I met a girl who looked just like me, I'd say she looked fat and pimply, that her nose was freaking huge, and that she had chunky legs. I know I would. I'd make my boyfriend agree, too.

Anyways, I borrowed this from a facebook friend's thinspo album:

It spoke to me.

Spring Break :-)

Spring Break is here, and I don't know whether or not that bodes well for my weight loss. My friend Danny is telling me how shopping, cigarettes and Red Bull make for rapid weight loss. But I avoid caffeine, have no money, and I don't smoke. So sadly, there's nothing there for me.

I'm under a lot of stress. My dad and I had a fight today.
I HATE fighting with my dad. I mean, for like five minutes in a week he's decent to deal with but when he fights, he's not satisfied until he's made me cry. I'm serious, he won't stop yelling until he makes me cry. He's not convinced that I've gotten anything "through [my] thick skull" unless he's made me cry, which is why when I got a little tougher with age, he hit me. Not hard. Just enough that I would become terrified. This was in fifth through seventh grade. He lightened up on that after that because the school psychologist told my dad I should see a shrink, and I did - and he asked me if my dad hit me. I told him no at first, but later I told him yes. After that he wanted to talk to my dad. After that my dad rarely hit me. Now he hasn't done it in years.

Apparently my school counselor thought I was depressed. I thought it was kind of ridiculous. My boyfriend suggested that too, but only because he knows I walk around in a hazey cloud constantly and love to sleep. Apparently those are signs of depression.

I generally consider depression to be a self-pity sort of thing though. I don't really have a lot of self-pity. I never thought so. Thing is though, maybe the mentality that I have is one of self-blame rather than pity. I attribute all my unfortunate situations to be a result of my organizational shortcomings. It's my fault because I'm lazy, weird, and ugly that I can't get things I want or need.

Anyways...the fight started because I said I might spend the night at my boyfriend's. He didn't like that. He said no. What the hell? What business does he have?? I'm TWENTY freakin' years old!! and what's more he said that he doesn't want me living...get this...the "weekend shack-up life."

WTF?!?!

ewww

firstly, what the hell? He's creepy as hell when he mentions anything the slightest bit sexual. It's always something awkward and disturbing like that.

Anyways, I was REALLY reluctant to go home after that. But partly out of distrust and partly because my mother asked me to, I came home tonight. I want to make it clear to him that my coming home had nothing to do with his vague and growly threat of "You'd BETTER come home tonight." But more than that, I don't want to talk to him.

My financial aid for school is in danger because I can't file the fafsa because my dad won't give me even OLD tax information. He's useless like that. Now it's a week late and I may not be eligible for full financial aid anymore. So if I've been thinking
If I have to get a job
to pay my tuition
I think I'll move in with my boyfriend.
It's got to happen eventually.
and then I'll be able to assimilate into normal society fully aware that my father is fully aware that if it weren't for the fact that he was an idiot who couldn't help his daughter worth of shit that I would still be living at home and not sleeping in the same bed as my thirty year old boyfriend every night.

...

Anyways, hopefully spring break means more sleeping, reduced appetite, and more exercising. I worked out last night, but couldn't jog in place as much as I would have liked because of some discomfort in my leg. Which is sad. Because I've been rediscovering my old love of running. I really need to try it again. It clears my skin, makes me feel amazing, ups my energy, and lol - best of all - MAKES ME FEEL SKINNY. Even if I eat something bad, I can make myself feel better by running. Really, it's just fuel for the metabolism.

lol, k girls. To make this monster post worthwhile, I'll treat you to some thinspo :-D




^ okay, maybe you've seen this one before. But seriously, that's amazing. I wish I had a body like that, and I know my boyfriend does too.