unhappy boyfriend, unhappy me.

98 followers. I'm pretty impressed with myself.

I've been avoiding blogging like the plague... I'm disappointed with my performance.

Though I've been keeping with not counting calories, I haven't gained. I feel like it must be right around the corner. Like I'm going to step on the scale and it's going to tell me I'm five pounds heavier than it should.

I'm embarrassed to blog. I haven't lost weight since May. At least nothing I didn't gain back within a couple days. I'm not really even trying anymore, all I'm doing is complaining - and I guess I still have a pretty good excuse for it, I've got money problems, it's really stressful. My parents don't seem to be on good terms. Things have gotten better since my dad got a job - my money problems aren't exactly solved, but he can get my insurance which helps a lot. A Lot. So things are a little better now, but I'm still eating a lot.

I do seem to have relationship problems. My beau and I fought today - and now I feel like he's doing what he's accused me of doing to him a million times before; pushing me away.

He said we have relationship problems and that we're probably codependent and probably something about me not being able to communicate or something like that. That last bit is too typical from him to be left out.

and he said he wouldn't leave me but admitted to feeling sometimes like we're not supposed to be together. He says he gets mad at me when I'm not around.

This conversation actually came after the fight. He was cranky because he missed the bus and I just kept walking towards him, and what he said was that I shouldn't, but I did. So he was mad at me on the phone the walk there. It was a couple miles. I got a little sunburned. I actually got to him about right when the next bus was coming up, so we got on at the same stop and rode together.

Again, he was cranky - and he alternated between yelling at me in public [he would insist that he wasn't yelling, I still say angry loud talking still counts as yelling], and hugging me because I was crying. I hate crying. I especially hate crying in public. I hate being hugged when I know that he's only going to yell at me again when he lets go.

It was a stupid reason to be mad at me. I walked towards him for a few good reasons.
-I didn't want to be stranded
-Walking home and back to the stop would have taken just as long
-I didn't know where we were going or how we'd be getting there
-I wanted to be with him

and he was yelling at me trying to say I was wrong for walking the bus route to get to him because it was a bad plan "transit-wise."
He also yelled at me for never getting places on my own.
He also yelled at me for relying on him to make transit plans. Which, now that I think about it, I kind of did make my own damn transit plans, didn't I?

Lately he's been complaining in ways that refer to things that are a bit too personal, even for an anonymous blog, but things that make me feel like he wishes he had more sexual experiences.
That combined with all the other relationship problems he says we have
It felt like he was breaking up with me. Like...those would be the next words out of his mouth.

They weren't.

My boyfriend is unhappy.
That matters more than my own unhappiness.
He's everything to me. He's everything good in my life.

feeling sugar sick since sunday afternoon...

I ate so much pure junk on Sunday. My aunt decided to make father's day a get-together kind of thing. My beau was invited. She's very...as my beau described it: "Food is love." So, yeah - we were all stuffed to the gills. I'm too embarrassed to say how many calories I actually ate. I think you'd have to be an athletic 15 year old boy to not gain from it though. Anyways, it all just made me feel sick, and I was exhausted all day anyway from having to wake up early [for me] two days in a row.

Anyways, it wasn't all bad. Socially it was a pleasant day.

Spent today with my beau, watching X-men. Nothing major happened. Just some much-needed snuggling. I always get annoyed when I see a fake redhead though, especially when they're trying to pass them off as a pleasant character in a film.

Okay. I also wanted to mention that I pretty much have my boyfriend taking food away from me. He says it's a little disturbing. I told him it's for the better. I could take it back if I wanted, but it really gives me a second chance to consider how much I've been eating. I actually recommend training your boyfriends to do the same. lol - it wasn't hard, I just started saying "take this away from me" and now he does it without my saying. He understands that sometimes once I've gotten started I can't stop myself.

Was there anything else? Yes. Pickles. Pickles are salty crunchy and tastey. I had no idea how good they were for cravings.

Anyways...to end on a high note

Check out her hip bones - they look razor sharp.


and tiny thighs

I felt like if I sneezed, I'd lose my soul.

I'm exausted. Today was a big day. Basically I had to get up at a reasonable hour today to go on a family picnic. I ate a lot of potato salad... It was delicious, but seeing as I saw my dad make the stuff it's miraculous I could stomach it. Jeez, he used like half a tub of mayonnaise on that. >_< Yeah. My biggest mistake was the fudge-striped shortbread cookies. I didn't go too overboard...but it shouldn't have happened. I did better at resisting my beau's junk food than usual. He's quite well stocked.

Running around with a five year old nephew made for okay exercise. He wore me out.

Then I had a group thing. It involved a skinny girl. I try to make my beau think everyone thinner than me has an eating disorder. That's messed up, isn't it? I casually mentioned to him after we left her that the biggest reason women take up smoking is because it's an appetite suppressant.
She has lost weight, though. She came in with a friend a year ago, and she was never fat but she was fat in comparison. Now? She's a twig.

I also managed to tell him some fairly depressing thoughts I have.

First of all, I told him that when I think he thinks a woman is more beautiful than me, it makes me feel worthless - like it wouldn't matter if I died, because there's nothing special about me and I could easily be replaced - traded up, even. I've been trying to be more understanding...thinking of his just-looking as a reflex they can't control as prettywreck suggested. I do think I'm less paranoid about that in particular. But that doesn't get that fear out of my head, that he's looking at someone who IS prettier than me and thinking they they ARE prettier than me. Go figure. -_-

I also told him that after he called, from the store, where he and this skinny girl were picking up snacks for an event, I got suddenly very depressed. This intense sad feeling. And...I thought I felt like I had to sneeze. And I felt like if I sneezed that my soul would escape. It sounds silly, but that's what it really felt like. I thought about it, and I don't think it was really a sneeze feeling. I think it was an about-to-cry feeling. For some reason, they felt a lot alike. Have you heard the origin of "god bless you;" that people actually used to believe a sneeze was the soul trying to escape? I always thought that was silly. Maybe it started with a similar feeling.

My beau told me I could probably get medicated in five minutes with that story, and that I should probably talk to someone.

Meh. It felt good anyway.

I gotta think sometimes about how obvious it is that I'm jealous. The way I squeeze in next to my boyfriend whenever there's a pretty girl around. The fact that I pinch and whisper to him. Sometimes he whispers back too loudly, but I don't know if I can really complain in that department. I think about how awkward it is that when I'm around a girl with my beau when I don't want to talk to her but I sit between her and my beau anyway. Ahh, the quiet on the train today. So awkward. I'm almost sadistic about it. I don't hate that girl. She's pretty cool. But around my beau, every woman under 160lbs becomes a target for ridicule the moment I'm out of earshot.

I kind of hate myself for it, but it feels necessary to me. I know better. I do. but I can't let my beau walk away without realizing some girl's many many faults. Even if I have nothing to say but "skank" about a complete stranger.

If I met a girl who looked just like me, I'd say she looked fat and pimply, that her nose was freaking huge, and that she had chunky legs. I know I would. I'd make my boyfriend agree, too.

Anyways, I borrowed this from a facebook friend's thinspo album:

It spoke to me.

Unattainable Grace.

The fail is that I ate like a professional football player Saturday. I'd had a fight with my boyfriend the day before, and it's right around pms time so I... yeah, I tried to keep count but I think it was around 2500 calories. I ate so much my stomach ached. I couldn't stop myself. It was... a weird experience. Never has self control been so...difficult. I wanted to stop, but it was like I had to taste everything in the kitchen.

I failed yesterday, too - but it was weird. I ate about half a bag of tostidos and a bunch of m&ms with my boyfriend. This mindless, almost tasteless intake of food.

I'm less upset about yesterday because I had an argument with my dad. Which...completely made me laugh, because he told me I couldn't get a ride to my boyfriend's apartment, or from. Said I could take the bus. Being Sunday, the bus schedule sucks - however, it was a pleasant day and I coordinated with my boyfriend to meet at a corner that's probably about the same distance from my house and his mother's house, so we walked together. Then later at night, I sent my parents texts asking for a ride. Buses don't go by his house past six pm.

Nothin'

So, basically I spent the night at my boyfriend's apartment ... as punishment.
That's pretty amusing, isn't it?

I've complained before about my parents trying to control my spending the night with my boyfriend; I'm 20 and in a long term committed relationship...but when it's used as a threat? lol, it was a win-win scenerio. If they gave me a ride, I'd win. If they don't? Then I spend all night snuggling with more pleasant company.

My boyfriend was also very sweet today, called himself a bad boyfriend. We talked a little, and I'm feeling much better now. Hm... Oh, I never mentioned we had a fight.

There's a girl at this nerd meet-up thing.

The TINIEST woman I've ever seen in my life. I mentioned the asian girl, right? Yes.

Yeah, I went with him Friday.

She was...gorgeous, and so fucking tiny. She was short, but skinny. Super skinny. She was dressed in baggy clothes, but I damn near dropped dead when I saw her get out of her car. She must be 70lbs..Hell, given how short she was, maybe less. I was so discouraged I cried about it later. I didn't even start the fight with him, though, after I asked if we could leave. I was... unresponsive. He got frustrated. I was probably talking about how tiny she was a lot, and he told me to stop. We got some chinese food. Chicken and broccoli shouldn't be that greasy...but I ate all of it. God, I've probably been on a binge since Friday night.

Things are calming down. Usually a thin woman is thinspo. and it's true, while I was at that nerd meet-up I didn't eat a damn thing. The moment I left though... Well, I had reeses cups in my purse.

I managed to give some to my boyfriend, and I only had five with me. It started slow. I might have had two.
but yeah..it peaked Saturday.

She was sooo discouraging. I KNEW that I could never be as pretty as her. I knew my boyfriend would be seeing her every Friday night. I know he thinks she's pretty. and I KNOW that I would die long before I ever got to looking like her. It's Just. Not. Fair. I started to think about how ceasing to exist wouldn't be so bad. She put my mind in the absolutely worst place. You know what her name was? Grace. Unattainable Grace. She had such tiny fingers too, picking apart that scone. Scones are tastey, but they're not safe. She ate it like she had no appetite, like it was just food, and didn't matter at all.

The best I can do is going without.
but if I get it...
I inhale it. I lust for it.

It just wasn't fair. I wanted to die. I really wanted to die.

.............

Anyways, I keep daydreaming about two things...moving in with my boyfriend, and an elliptical. Hmm.. Both are probably easily attainable, but getting a job and moving scare me.

Okay, to make this entry worthwhile, I'll post a little elliptical thinspo.

Sorry if the entry has been scattered.



Oh, PS: My thinspo video has 102 views ^_^ That's some win in an ocean of fail.

jealousy, paranoia, and a semi-random question.

I'm feeling pretty down. Firstly because I'm bloated with carbs. I slept all day, ended up waking up in time for dinner - ravioli and texas toast. like 500 calories. I still feel gross. But mostly because I haven't seen my boyfriend all day.

He was at some programmers thing.

Doing some crap or some other crap.

I don't care what they're doing. All I know is that it's going to be every friday night, so I don't get to see him on friday anymore. What's more than that, there was apparently a pretty girl there. A skinny asian girl. I guess I'm glad I have a boyfriend who tells me stuff like that when I ask, but I'm so terrified of being left for someone better than me... It sounds so stupid, but I always feel so worthless and ugly. I AM worthless and ugly.
It could be more frequent than just fridays, too. Apparently it could become damn near an everyday thing. I'm afraid I'm going to lose him to it. argg..now he's picking a fight with me on meebo because I told him I was upset.
Basically he could be spending every Friday night with a pretty skinny asian girl. Better than me. Everyone is better than me. I'm crap. I'm fat, ugly, and not as smart as I used to think I was.
Of course, I'd be upset in thinking he would prefer to be on a computer than with me, too.

I'm afraid of becoming better than I am now.
I'm afraid being thin.
My bad skin has become part of my identity, too
I'm afraid of actually being as beautiful as I want my boyfriend to think I am.
Partly, because no matter how many improvements I make to myself, my boyfriend is still a lover of breasts and faces, and I'm blessed in neither of those areas. God, why is he with me? I KNOW I'm not what he wants. I wouldn't leave him for anything in the world, but it's honestly painful to be with someone who you know would change you given the opportunity. That's the only thing I'd change about him...

I just realized I wouldn't be nearly as insecure if I believed he thought I was perfect just as I am.

He's supportive and handsome and affectionate and patient and so much else....things I didn't really think I could find in a man. I always thought I could find a man who thought I was perfect, though.

I know I shouldn't be so jealous. I know it's natural for a guy to look. I know he probably won't end up alone with the pretty girl. I'm almost certain he wouldn't cheat on me. The thought of him finding someone more attractive than me is devastating. I already know he does...

semi-random question...do you think a genuinely unattractive person could get diagnosed with body dysmorphic disorder? Like if your shrink thought you were ugly, would he think it was a psychological issue that you thought you were ugly?

Failure...

I've been failing a lot lately. I think it's stress. It must be... There's a lot to be stressed about. My financial aid, my menopausal mother and probably bi-polar father, my grades...and my fat ass.

I've gained two pounds by the way. I'm hoping that's just water weight because I'm expecting my period in a little over a week. I'm just not losing anymore, though. I haven't lost in ages. I know why, too. I haven't had any self control.

I TRY to have control over myself...but I'm such a glutton sometimes. I made this blog to make me feel stronger, to inspire myself. Lately it's just a stark reminder of my failure. I feel like I've been neglecting it. I've gotten very discouraged.

That's why I'm thinking of taking a different approach for now. My boyfriend is back, but while he was gone I was exercising and it made me feel amazing. It always does. I'm thinking of just upping my calorie limit and filling my diet with healthier items and exercising more. If I can. Obviously I won't eat so much when I can't exercise. But I figure if I eat more healthy things I won't binge so much. I ate a thousand calories with my boyfriend today. I'm ashamed to say that. ONE THOUSAND. That's so much! I mean, it was over a fairly long period of time, but seven hours of stuffing my face with cheese curls and cookies and a sandwich made with white bread??! I drank some water, it just made me feel sick. Got in an hour of light exercise tonight, though, when I got home....

I'm glad he's back though. Even if he's bad for me, physically. I could tell he'd missed me too, which made me feel better about the fact that he'd abandoned me this weekend. We snuggled and watched Logan's Run and Hollywood Homicide. Except for the copious amounts of garbage I shoveled down my greedy throat, it was a good night.

I can say, however, that I'm happy that that much food made me sick. It'll teach me a lesson. About what being a worthless cow brings you. . . a bloated nasty midsection.

I have a sensitive stomach, why do I do this to myself?

Just to end this on a more positive note...some kickass thinspo. I need to look at more thinspo.






^seriously kickass chick ^_^

I hope you girls are doing amazingly. I'll be checking up on your blogs tomorrow. Right now, it's four thirty in the morning. (-_-) < Zzzz)

Today

Today I think I'm doing pretty well
I got confused though. You see, I was snacking at my boyfriends...again...when suddenly my stomach felt nasty and I thought it might go away, but it didn't. I ended up running to the bathroom and throwing up.

I felt much better afterwards, but I wondered how much of the snacks had come up. Reading mia blogs, it seems like the snacking wouldn't count. But I counted it anyway. I'm not bulimic...

It's my time of month now, and my stomach is always fussy around this time, but it's been a long time since I've thrown up. Maybe this will encourage me to eat a little less if I don't want to end up puking in my boyfriend's toilet. He accused me of doing it on purpose - I laughed that off, but I probably should have slapped him.

Oh, another boyfriend story. We were talking and he said something about moving in together one day. I asked him if he would think I was perfect by then...he said..."mu."

Apparently "mu" is some ancient Chinese or Japanese answer to a riddle that essentially means that the question can't be answered because it assumes something untrue.

I just accused him of calling me a cow.
Just to mess with him.

The thing is though, as much as he'd like me to think the assumption that he doesn't think I'm perfect is untrue - it's quite true. He doesn't think I'm perfect. He won't even tell me what he thinks is perfect. Probably because it's so far from what I am. Huge titted, fourteen, and and twenty pounds lighter than me.

Something I noticed today, though - I've got some impressive collar bones. I'm not particularly skinny, but I've got the kind of collar bones that you can see where they end in the shoulders, do you know what I mean?



I've got that little bump over there. Perhaps not quite as pronounced as hers.

In any case, I like it. Made me worry for a bit that perhaps my chest will get skinny long before my thick legs will, though. and I'll be a skeleton on top and still have a fat ass. Of course, my thick legs are part of the reason I've always looked thinner than I am. People guess my weight 10 lbs lighter because of all the fat hiding in my legs.

...

I've been a real bum lately. I get it from my parents. I don't think my dad's been to the IRS office to print out old taxes yet. He's impossible and an ass.

I said I'd make a 50 question survey workout.

The fifty questions were easy, the workout part? I can't seem to do, that's the harder half of it. It's started and in a draft.
I also waited to the latter part of the day to post, and my traffic is down.
I like attention.
So I need to pay attention.
Anyone else addicted to analytics.google.com ?

I really would like to grow my site, I see I now have 21 followers :D that's quite exciting

Welcome girls!

Okay. I'm going to have a fiber one bar and catch up on some blogs before bed.

Things

There are a couple things I need to overcome if I want to get past this horrible plateau I've been on.

The biggest problem is how much I eat when I'm with my boyfriend.

It averages to about 800 calories in the six hours we're together.

I can't help it. I know that's a lame thing to say, I'm trying. Sometimes I make him buy apples, they're a safe food.

Any tips? He's not the richest guy in town, and he's primary food intake consists of chocolate and white grains. Why he looks so good??? Ugh, because he's a man. Stupid amazing male metabolism. lol

You know what our normal dinners together are?

Chicken nuggets and ranch dressing.

-_- so good, yet so evil

500 calories of evil

with some sort of snack food accompaniment.

I guess the easiest thing to do would be to stop coming to him hungry. I start out the day so nice, though. I hate to spoil it.

Help?

Anyways.... I'm going to go ahead and mention that one of the blogs I subscribe to, Quest for Perfection, by the lovely Kat ~ has now opened an amazing (and I mean amazing) website chock full of information and thinspiration, as well as forums and room for a lot of interactiveness.

ProAnaQuest

So if you haven't already, check it out. It's gorgeous.

I'll end the post with some thinspo.

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^ I want to look like that wearing something like that. You know, except without the crazy emo hair and bug-eye glasses. lol - just not my thing.

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