Real Failure.

I'm doing horribly this semester.

I'm at my low weight, but I'm scared I'm going to gain because frankly just about everything has changed for the worst in that regard.

I feel so sick. I don't want to get sick.

I have to see a doctor and I haven't had a flu shot.

I missed every Spanish class this week. I'm 90% sure I'm going to fail.

I'm 99% sure I'll fail my other morning class, because I have an adversary. Some horrible chick who dominates the group and is ostracizing me because I wasn't there for the planning stages of the project - which is like 3 classes - even though I'm trying to catch up.

I'm almost certainly going to have to go over her head on this one. I am reading a lot into her behavior, but there's just this oboxiously stuck-up vibe I get from her. Her body language too - won't look at me, won't address me directly.

I'm going to have to fight every second of this semester and I'm terrified of this. That chick should really get hit by a train or something.

This semester is awful. I have almost no shot. I'm scared. F*cking scared. I just want to pause everything, and go escape reality for an undetermined amount of time. Maybe during this escape whatseruglyface will get hit by that train. That would be fantastic. The world pauses, but she still gets hit by a train.

Perfect world.

Fail fail fucking failure.

I swear, nothing hurts more than trying and failing.

NO ONE BELIEVES I'M TRYING

That hurts too. I can't get out of bed in the morning. I miss my buses. I curse myself, I curse the buses, I cry - nothing comes of it. And of course I'm too fucking scared to talk to my professors. I don't have anything to say to them. Maybe a psychology professor would understand that I can't get out of bed in the morning but that's so damn personal. I'm terrified of talking to people, and of conflict. I don't want to cry in someone's office. I don't want to get bitched at for not trying hard enough.

I fucking hate self pity, but I can't get a grip on myself. I've felt violent urges several times this semester. It's stress. I haven't hurt anyone, but I fucking dare someone to talk to me in a state like that.

I'm so fucking stuck in the middle of everything. I can't do anything right. Everything is against the grain.

I'm fucking terrified

and I'm sorry for the swearing. I swear a lot lately. I don't like it either.

thanks, some depressing stuff and some thinspo links.

85 followers. I'm pretty impressed with myself.

I want to thank Lyla Unleashed, xthinforever, and sadhanna for their comments on my blog about my childhood friend...
I really needed some input.

xthinforever, though - he wasn't obsessed with little girls. I don't know how it came off like that. I meant to say that when we were in middle school, like seven years ago, he'd talk about girls. Not *little* girls. I mean he was an adolescent boy and we'd talk about stuff like that. I believe the bit about high compulsiveness. That makes perfect sense.

And thanks to Lyla and Sadhanna for your stories. I would love to believe he's innocent, but I don't know enough about what happened to say for sure. I know he pleaded guilty, that's what the article said. and I don't know how to get in contact with him.

Funny thing is, just yesterday I was visiting my beau's nerd group, which apparently is across the street from some sort of half-way house for sex-offenders. It was weird, all I could think was that in a few years, my friend might be in that very spot.

Thinking about what happened to this friend made me think about spontaneous human combustion. Don't know how well I can explain it, but it's like... with spontaneous human combustion, if it's real, someone just experiences some sudden molecular mutation and bursts into flames out of nowhere. It's like poof - they're on fire. There's no reason something like that should happen. It's not in the nature of humans to burst into flames. It's unpredictable and extremely unlikely, but all the sudden someone's reduced to a pile of ashes before they had the chance to realize what happened. In a way, that's what happened to this friend, as far as I could tell. No one could have seen this coming. It's just sudden, and extreme, and before you know it so much is fucked up...

Anyways... I'm in the basement of my boyfriend's mother's house on my laptop. I don't really like being at his mother's house; apart from the wifi there's nothing we really do here. We don't really snuggle. It's really more like he sits on his computer and I sit at the laptop. We occasionally talk. Today he wants me to blog while he cleans the upstairs room. Not this blog of course... He wants me to work on a blog we started together. It's promising actually. We got like thirty-something hits after the first entry.

I've been eating far too much lately. Even my dad said I was eating too many brownies. That's just...traumatic coming from him. I'm ashamed to admit all this. I think I've gained a few pounds, but it's hard to tell because I'm less than a week away from my period and I'm sure I must be bloated. I really am disgusted with myself though.. I've been trying to work out, burn the calories off - but the way I'm eating makes me sick. I need help. I could go back to the way I was calorie counting before, but it just wasn't working anymore. It was always like I was watching the numbers go higher and higher and I couldn't stop myself.

I wish I just didn't *want* the food. As much as I try to brainwash myself, it doesn't always work. At this very moment I can still feel that brownie sitting in my stomach, dissolving, turning into my side-fat. By the way, my love handles are bigger than my breasts. I'm repulsive...I hate my body.

Sometimes I look in the mirror, and I just want to cry. That's what happened last night. I took off my shirt in the mirror. I have a muffin top. and I looked at myself, and pinched it, and I wanted to cry. and I started to feel like I was going to. Because I feel like I'm never going to be thin. I also realized I'm even uglier when I cry.

It's been so damn long since I've lost weight. I can't even express it. I mean, yeah, I lost two pounds camping - but I gained it right back. For a moment the other day I was 127 on the scale. but now I'm back to 130. maybe 131. The same I was at the beginning of the summer. All the changes that have been made, it's been up and down in a small margin and I hate myself.

How can my boyfriend even pretend to be attracted to me? I know there's a billion other women in the world he finds more attractive than me.

I am one of those fat, pathetic, unattractive weepy girls no one feels sorry for. That you just instinctively know are wrong and worthless. I could disappear tomorrow and the world would be a slightly more beautiful place.

I have this habit of grabbing at my fatty parts without even thinking about it. I'll be sitting in a meeting for my group and be pinching my gut under my shirt.

Anyways, I keep thinking I don't deserve to be thin. It's just not going to happen. I can't get under 130lbs. Or at least I can't stay there. I should be 123. Seems like an odd number, but in my blog about body frame size I figured out that's the bottom of my healthy range. I would look good at that weight. After that I Guess I'd want to be 120. After that I'd want to see if I could be under 120. By then I think I'd be technically underweight - which would also be interesting. Point is by the time I got to 123, I bet there wouldn't be so damn much of me to grab. I make myself sick.

Anyways, I'm wearing a six 9 jeans, and they're loose on me. This is of more significance to me than you, because my sizing has always been weird. It's my thick legs... but I want to go shopping sometime and try on sizes until I find the smallest I can fit into. I would *love* that. I'd like to lose a few more pounds first, though.

I need a job. I really do. I need about $1000 to afford to go to school this semester. I have transportation issues though. I'd pretty much have to find a job on my bus route. I say my bus, because it goes right by my house fairly regularly, and it's fairly versatile too. Technically I could also walk ten or fifteen minutes to the bus-stop that goes to the mall. That's a good bus. Always so crowded, though.

I want to work in retail. I so desperately need clothes, you have no idea. My parents say I don't because I have so many lying around, but most don't fit or are ripped or stained and I just don't know what to do with all my stuff. I know I need to do something. I need help. I need guidance. Nothing my parents have EVER been good at.

Friends could help, but I don't have any friends. Maybe I should clean.

But if I cleaned, my parents would get all sarcastic with me. It fucking pisses me off..

I'm to the point where I'm just ranting. I need to find direction or end the post.

Or...I have a better idea.

bonish-thinspo7
ivala-thinspo
iamgettingby
Those three xangas contain SOOOO much thinspo.

I know what I want to do next, though. I want to ask some of my facebook friends if I can post their personal pics. A few of my ana facebook friends just look fucking spectacular and I'm so jealous. D:

My Facebook


I just like this pic. It came out of a facebook friend's album, it's an MK thinspo.
I looove MK.
but this pic really stands out to me because I always feel like the girl on the right. I have pics that remind me of this.

feeling sugar sick since sunday afternoon...

I ate so much pure junk on Sunday. My aunt decided to make father's day a get-together kind of thing. My beau was invited. She's very...as my beau described it: "Food is love." So, yeah - we were all stuffed to the gills. I'm too embarrassed to say how many calories I actually ate. I think you'd have to be an athletic 15 year old boy to not gain from it though. Anyways, it all just made me feel sick, and I was exhausted all day anyway from having to wake up early [for me] two days in a row.

Anyways, it wasn't all bad. Socially it was a pleasant day.

Spent today with my beau, watching X-men. Nothing major happened. Just some much-needed snuggling. I always get annoyed when I see a fake redhead though, especially when they're trying to pass them off as a pleasant character in a film.

Okay. I also wanted to mention that I pretty much have my boyfriend taking food away from me. He says it's a little disturbing. I told him it's for the better. I could take it back if I wanted, but it really gives me a second chance to consider how much I've been eating. I actually recommend training your boyfriends to do the same. lol - it wasn't hard, I just started saying "take this away from me" and now he does it without my saying. He understands that sometimes once I've gotten started I can't stop myself.

Was there anything else? Yes. Pickles. Pickles are salty crunchy and tastey. I had no idea how good they were for cravings.

Anyways...to end on a high note

Check out her hip bones - they look razor sharp.


and tiny thighs

Unattainable Grace.

The fail is that I ate like a professional football player Saturday. I'd had a fight with my boyfriend the day before, and it's right around pms time so I... yeah, I tried to keep count but I think it was around 2500 calories. I ate so much my stomach ached. I couldn't stop myself. It was... a weird experience. Never has self control been so...difficult. I wanted to stop, but it was like I had to taste everything in the kitchen.

I failed yesterday, too - but it was weird. I ate about half a bag of tostidos and a bunch of m&ms with my boyfriend. This mindless, almost tasteless intake of food.

I'm less upset about yesterday because I had an argument with my dad. Which...completely made me laugh, because he told me I couldn't get a ride to my boyfriend's apartment, or from. Said I could take the bus. Being Sunday, the bus schedule sucks - however, it was a pleasant day and I coordinated with my boyfriend to meet at a corner that's probably about the same distance from my house and his mother's house, so we walked together. Then later at night, I sent my parents texts asking for a ride. Buses don't go by his house past six pm.

Nothin'

So, basically I spent the night at my boyfriend's apartment ... as punishment.
That's pretty amusing, isn't it?

I've complained before about my parents trying to control my spending the night with my boyfriend; I'm 20 and in a long term committed relationship...but when it's used as a threat? lol, it was a win-win scenerio. If they gave me a ride, I'd win. If they don't? Then I spend all night snuggling with more pleasant company.

My boyfriend was also very sweet today, called himself a bad boyfriend. We talked a little, and I'm feeling much better now. Hm... Oh, I never mentioned we had a fight.

There's a girl at this nerd meet-up thing.

The TINIEST woman I've ever seen in my life. I mentioned the asian girl, right? Yes.

Yeah, I went with him Friday.

She was...gorgeous, and so fucking tiny. She was short, but skinny. Super skinny. She was dressed in baggy clothes, but I damn near dropped dead when I saw her get out of her car. She must be 70lbs..Hell, given how short she was, maybe less. I was so discouraged I cried about it later. I didn't even start the fight with him, though, after I asked if we could leave. I was... unresponsive. He got frustrated. I was probably talking about how tiny she was a lot, and he told me to stop. We got some chinese food. Chicken and broccoli shouldn't be that greasy...but I ate all of it. God, I've probably been on a binge since Friday night.

Things are calming down. Usually a thin woman is thinspo. and it's true, while I was at that nerd meet-up I didn't eat a damn thing. The moment I left though... Well, I had reeses cups in my purse.

I managed to give some to my boyfriend, and I only had five with me. It started slow. I might have had two.
but yeah..it peaked Saturday.

She was sooo discouraging. I KNEW that I could never be as pretty as her. I knew my boyfriend would be seeing her every Friday night. I know he thinks she's pretty. and I KNOW that I would die long before I ever got to looking like her. It's Just. Not. Fair. I started to think about how ceasing to exist wouldn't be so bad. She put my mind in the absolutely worst place. You know what her name was? Grace. Unattainable Grace. She had such tiny fingers too, picking apart that scone. Scones are tastey, but they're not safe. She ate it like she had no appetite, like it was just food, and didn't matter at all.

The best I can do is going without.
but if I get it...
I inhale it. I lust for it.

It just wasn't fair. I wanted to die. I really wanted to die.

.............

Anyways, I keep daydreaming about two things...moving in with my boyfriend, and an elliptical. Hmm.. Both are probably easily attainable, but getting a job and moving scare me.

Okay, to make this entry worthwhile, I'll post a little elliptical thinspo.

Sorry if the entry has been scattered.



Oh, PS: My thinspo video has 102 views ^_^ That's some win in an ocean of fail.

Found a cool picture...and update

Found this pic scanning through Xanga sites

It just made me stop and look at it, because I've felt that exact same way before. Looking at myself in the mirror... grabbing a handful of fat and just thinking about how nice it would be if I could just cut it off. Not literally... but you know.

It just struck a chord with me.

Anyways, my school concerns are just about over. Not completely, though. I'm still extremely concerned for my TAP award. At least everything is in. The exams are over. There's nothing left to do now but wait and see how I did.

Which means I should be able to return to my blogging, like a good girl.

Admittedly, I'm reluctant. I shouldn't be, but I'm ashamed of the way I've been eating. I hit my goal weight at some point. I've gained a couple pounds since then. Not a lot...but enough that I know what a fat failure I've been.

Every time I screw up I tell myself that it's just a break to get my metabolism going strong. I guess it works...but I always overshoot. You know what I mean? I know it's healthy to try to eat normal every once and a while, but...I eat the wrong things. I go for pure crap. Chocolate, fried foods, microwave breakfast sandwiches. I guess I could blame it on PMS, but it feels like just another excuse.

I usually lose weight in the summer, though. Warm weather is here, and my beau and I will probably be walking places more, and I'll have more incentive to not curl up under three warm blankets when I should be exercising, in the time I have alone.

I've noticed that when my mother upsets me...it makes me not want to eat. I would hate to say she has any kind of control over me, but it makes me wonder. I really. Really. Hate my mother today.

My dad gave me $20 to get her a gift.

I really have nothing to say to that...I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know... I want to get her a card that just says "FUCK YOU BITCH" but the last thing I want to do is give her one more reason to think my life revolves around making her miserable. It's really the other way around... She's a horrible person.

Ever had anyone laugh at you when you were upset? She does that...ALL the time. She laughs at all of my feelings. I get more upset, she gets colder. She tells me I'm worthless. Lazy. She called me an idiot today. I wish I could explain the reason for the fight, but it's disgusting to me, and i don't want to talk about it.



Here's a piece of thinspo I found online today. I rarely find a piece that really speaks to me, but for some reason - this picture motivates me.

Oh, and I drank a 2 liter of diet pepsi. lol - I don't know whether to be proud or not.

I really want to thank the girls who commented on my last blog. Things are still chaotic. I have one paper and the make-up test out of the way. Neither of them are worth being particularly confident about.

This week has been chaotic. My mother is worse than usual. My dad said...he wants to talk about her...which can't be good. I don't know what it means, I'm hoping that conversation will just slip through the cracks of the everyday.

My mother is INSANE though. She does things just to upset me. That's not kidding. She's emotionally sadistic. She does and says things to make me cry, then responds to everything I say with this ridiculously condescending, cold, arrogant tone. The kind of tone that's so uncaring and full of shit that makes you want to punch someone in the face. Do you know what I mean? I can't really get into detail...

I went out with my beau, today, though. He's my escape. Even though we had a big fight just yesterday. Something he said about my paper, which was mean. I'm never letting him read a paper for my philosophy class again. My paper WAS kind of lame, but he made me feel more like an idiot than an underachiever. So I reacted a little...tugged a news paper away from him. That got HIM in a huff. So we went to the bus together..and we sat down.

He says: "Why are you sitting next to me?"

That was REALLY cold and mean. So I went to the back and cried the entire ride. When it came time to get off the bus, I was a wreck. I wanted to go home, but I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to go with him, either, but I did anyways. We made up. He says he didn't mean it like that. I felt so abused, though. I wasn't even really upset about the paper, but the thing on the bus was just so wrong. He got nicer later...not really nice, he was still arguing with me. He just doesn't know when to let something go. He's oblivious. So the last couple days, I've just been sobbing and upset between my mother and my father and my beau.

It's probably my own fault that that's all I have.

If I had friends that took up some of my time, I think my beau would appreciate me more. But I really can't have friends. I can't handle social responsibility. Besides, I have no mode of transportation except my mother and I get lost taking the bus without my beau. So, I really couldn't have friends anyway.

Today would have been a really nice day calorie wise...but I ate a cookie. A GIANT cookie. A huge square piece of one of those cookie-brownie monsters, you know what I mean? I counted it as like a thousand calories. I'm hoping it's a big overestimation, because I didn't eat the whole thing. That was really weak. What's more, it was my idea. That was REALLY weak. -_- I'm quite disappointed in myself. It made me sick to my stomach. Which just means I won't eat anything else today, which is good.

Someone gave me a tomato today. Was pretty random. But I my beau and I ate it raw, like an apple, but sloppier. and it was really refreshing and yummy. slurp slurp. a tomato is apparently like 25 calories, too. I recommend. I don't recommend the delicious giant cookie-brownie evil thing.

Anyways, to top of this awful week, I have to do a paper that was due last week by Monday, and I'm sick, and probably getting my beau sick. Because I need to be touching him, constantly. If he's in the room, I have to be touching him, or my head will explode. I hate being sick. I guess that's normal. It started off as a sore throat, and evolved into stuffy sinuses and a runny nose, exacerbated by crying.

Except for the cookie incident, my eating is back to normal. It must have been PMS. That's something. Only one more paper left. I need the tax information by May 1st that's a financial aid deadline in NY for TAP. I don't have high hopes. :( I think it can be filed late, but everything is late ENOUGH. My dad is so worthless...my mother is so sadistic.

My boyfriend and my ED are all I have that I can count on. You wouldn't believe how frightening the thought of losing him is. He knows it, too, but I wish he could appreciate me HALF as much as I appreciate him. I REALLY feel like that isn't the case most of the time.

...brb?

I'm under a LOT of stress lately.

I mention this because I feel like I owe you guys an explanation, I've been avoiding my blog. Mostly because I'm failing so badly.

I'll be back...I mean it...It's just that with my dad neglecting my financial aid needs ( YES STILL ), my FAIL, my grades...I missed an exam wednesday. Due to a fight with my mom.

I've been fighting with my mom a lot. She's a nightmare. She HATES me.

Anyways... I haven't written or commented in ages, and I just wanted you to know why.

I'll probably write a few blogs, but I can't dedicate myself to this until some of my stressors have gone away. Probably after exams, which start in a couple weeks. No one but me seems to care about my future...

Worst case scenerio, I guess I get a job and have to take summer classes. Still feels like the end of the world, though.

Anyways, hope you girls are doing better than I am.

Failure...

I've been failing a lot lately. I think it's stress. It must be... There's a lot to be stressed about. My financial aid, my menopausal mother and probably bi-polar father, my grades...and my fat ass.

I've gained two pounds by the way. I'm hoping that's just water weight because I'm expecting my period in a little over a week. I'm just not losing anymore, though. I haven't lost in ages. I know why, too. I haven't had any self control.

I TRY to have control over myself...but I'm such a glutton sometimes. I made this blog to make me feel stronger, to inspire myself. Lately it's just a stark reminder of my failure. I feel like I've been neglecting it. I've gotten very discouraged.

That's why I'm thinking of taking a different approach for now. My boyfriend is back, but while he was gone I was exercising and it made me feel amazing. It always does. I'm thinking of just upping my calorie limit and filling my diet with healthier items and exercising more. If I can. Obviously I won't eat so much when I can't exercise. But I figure if I eat more healthy things I won't binge so much. I ate a thousand calories with my boyfriend today. I'm ashamed to say that. ONE THOUSAND. That's so much! I mean, it was over a fairly long period of time, but seven hours of stuffing my face with cheese curls and cookies and a sandwich made with white bread??! I drank some water, it just made me feel sick. Got in an hour of light exercise tonight, though, when I got home....

I'm glad he's back though. Even if he's bad for me, physically. I could tell he'd missed me too, which made me feel better about the fact that he'd abandoned me this weekend. We snuggled and watched Logan's Run and Hollywood Homicide. Except for the copious amounts of garbage I shoveled down my greedy throat, it was a good night.

I can say, however, that I'm happy that that much food made me sick. It'll teach me a lesson. About what being a worthless cow brings you. . . a bloated nasty midsection.

I have a sensitive stomach, why do I do this to myself?

Just to end this on a more positive note...some kickass thinspo. I need to look at more thinspo.






^seriously kickass chick ^_^

I hope you girls are doing amazingly. I'll be checking up on your blogs tomorrow. Right now, it's four thirty in the morning. (-_-) < Zzzz)

I had an ED related dream wherein I was looking through my bag and found a bunch of half-eaten Krispy Kremes. I don't understand why... I don't eat those. They're the absolute epitome of empty calories and even a glutton like me knows to avoid them, but people were praising me and telling me how thin I looked. Anas, Mias. Things were odd and spacey. For some reason Miley Cyrus was there? Giving me a critical look.

I've been feeling like a fat failure lately.
I haven't lost weight in ages.
Only two pounds to my next goal and I can't reach it. It's so hard. Two more pounds, and I'll have lost 20lbs since that nightmarish day when I stepped on the scale and saw that I was re-becoming the cow I was in middle school.

I haven't gotten metamucil. I've had lots of fiber from other sources, though. I'm out of money now. I'll have to wait a few days.

I just feel so awkward. I'm reverting again. Reverting to a childlike stage of helplessness. Where I avoid responsibility and misbehave pretending I don't know any better.

A state of mind I get so often, where I hide behind anything because I feel incompetent and resultantly get absolutely nothing done.

I thought today would be a reasonable day. But my boyfriend bought oreos. I thought I'd only have one...but they were so good. So fresh. I had six. 320 empty calories added to a good day. This almost doubled the intake I've had today.

I'm also a failure at blogging.

I'm obsessed with my blog, but I fail

I stalk myself via google analytics. I don't necessarily recommend it. It might consume someone with perfectionist tendencies. The idea that improvement should come. My blog seems to weirdly parallel my personal progress. Not too impressive, but all slow progress is still measurable progress.

Therefor I have determined that greater dedication to my weightloss requires greater dedication to my blog. But given how stressful my life has been lately, I anticipate that it might not be entirely possible just now.

I don't know where to go from here.

I need some encouragement and motivation.

I can be this ( so mean..but so..possible )
..
..

Or this.


^ editted this last pic. Was dissatisfied with that last one.