Friday, March 27, 2009

I had an ED related dream wherein I was looking through my bag and found a bunch of half-eaten Krispy Kremes. I don't understand why... I don't eat those. They're the absolute epitome of empty calories and even a glutton like me knows to avoid them, but people were praising me and telling me how thin I looked. Anas, Mias. Things were odd and spacey. For some reason Miley Cyrus was there? Giving me a critical look.

I've been feeling like a fat failure lately.
I haven't lost weight in ages.
Only two pounds to my next goal and I can't reach it. It's so hard. Two more pounds, and I'll have lost 20lbs since that nightmarish day when I stepped on the scale and saw that I was re-becoming the cow I was in middle school.

I haven't gotten metamucil. I've had lots of fiber from other sources, though. I'm out of money now. I'll have to wait a few days.

I just feel so awkward. I'm reverting again. Reverting to a childlike stage of helplessness. Where I avoid responsibility and misbehave pretending I don't know any better.

A state of mind I get so often, where I hide behind anything because I feel incompetent and resultantly get absolutely nothing done.

I thought today would be a reasonable day. But my boyfriend bought oreos. I thought I'd only have one...but they were so good. So fresh. I had six. 320 empty calories added to a good day. This almost doubled the intake I've had today.

I'm also a failure at blogging.

I'm obsessed with my blog, but I fail

I stalk myself via google analytics. I don't necessarily recommend it. It might consume someone with perfectionist tendencies. The idea that improvement should come. My blog seems to weirdly parallel my personal progress. Not too impressive, but all slow progress is still measurable progress.

Therefor I have determined that greater dedication to my weightloss requires greater dedication to my blog. But given how stressful my life has been lately, I anticipate that it might not be entirely possible just now.

I don't know where to go from here.

I need some encouragement and motivation.

I can be this ( so mean..but so..possible )

Or this.

^ editted this last pic. Was dissatisfied with that last one.

1 comment:

  1. Those two pictures next to each other are truly amazingly motivational. Geeze.

    I've found that when I'm blogging regularly I do so much better and lose more. It does seem like the two are directly related.

    Good luck on those two pounds!
    <3 Eva