Spring Break is here, and I don't know whether or not that bodes well for my weight loss. My friend Danny is telling me how shopping, cigarettes and Red Bull make for rapid weight loss. But I avoid caffeine, have no money, and I don't smoke. So sadly, there's nothing there for me.
I'm under a lot of stress. My dad and I had a fight today.
I HATE fighting with my dad. I mean, for like five minutes in a week he's decent to deal with but when he fights, he's not satisfied until he's made me cry. I'm serious, he won't stop yelling until he makes me cry. He's not convinced that I've gotten anything "through [my] thick skull" unless he's made me cry, which is why when I got a little tougher with age, he hit me. Not hard. Just enough that I would become terrified. This was in fifth through seventh grade. He lightened up on that after that because the school psychologist told my dad I should see a shrink, and I did - and he asked me if my dad hit me. I told him no at first, but later I told him yes. After that he wanted to talk to my dad. After that my dad rarely hit me. Now he hasn't done it in years.
Apparently my school counselor thought I was depressed. I thought it was kind of ridiculous. My boyfriend suggested that too, but only because he knows I walk around in a hazey cloud constantly and love to sleep. Apparently those are signs of depression.
I generally consider depression to be a self-pity sort of thing though. I don't really have a lot of self-pity. I never thought so. Thing is though, maybe the mentality that I have is one of self-blame rather than pity. I attribute all my unfortunate situations to be a result of my organizational shortcomings. It's my fault because I'm lazy, weird, and ugly that I can't get things I want or need.
Anyways...the fight started because I said I might spend the night at my boyfriend's. He didn't like that. He said no. What the hell? What business does he have?? I'm TWENTY freakin' years old!! and what's more he said that he doesn't want me living...get this...the "weekend shack-up life."
firstly, what the hell? He's creepy as hell when he mentions anything the slightest bit sexual. It's always something awkward and disturbing like that.
Anyways, I was REALLY reluctant to go home after that. But partly out of distrust and partly because my mother asked me to, I came home tonight. I want to make it clear to him that my coming home had nothing to do with his vague and growly threat of "You'd BETTER come home tonight." But more than that, I don't want to talk to him.
My financial aid for school is in danger because I can't file the fafsa because my dad won't give me even OLD tax information. He's useless like that. Now it's a week late and I may not be eligible for full financial aid anymore. So if I've been thinking
If I have to get a job
to pay my tuition
I think I'll move in with my boyfriend.
It's got to happen eventually.
and then I'll be able to assimilate into normal society fully aware that my father is fully aware that if it weren't for the fact that he was an idiot who couldn't help his daughter worth of shit that I would still be living at home and not sleeping in the same bed as my thirty year old boyfriend every night.
Anyways, hopefully spring break means more sleeping, reduced appetite, and more exercising. I worked out last night, but couldn't jog in place as much as I would have liked because of some discomfort in my leg. Which is sad. Because I've been rediscovering my old love of running. I really need to try it again. It clears my skin, makes me feel amazing, ups my energy, and lol - best of all - MAKES ME FEEL SKINNY. Even if I eat something bad, I can make myself feel better by running. Really, it's just fuel for the metabolism.
lol, k girls. To make this monster post worthwhile, I'll treat you to some thinspo :-D
^ okay, maybe you've seen this one before. But seriously, that's amazing. I wish I had a body like that, and I know my boyfriend does too.