Thursday, December 31, 2009

A few new years resolutions

This is the image I want to represent my personality in the new year.

I will be below my lw, 126
I will have more pictures of myself
I will make a new friend
and catch up with an old friend
I will cut my hair
I will dutifully take my multivitamin
I will develop a taste for tea
I will use the school's gym.
I will walk more, even in the snow
I will be stronger, more organized, and powerful
I will make my grades reflect this.
I will make myself do things I don't want to do
I will be more independent.
I will get a job
I will not be the weak pathetic dependent useless damsel in distress I've been my entire life.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Fiber, Fail, and Facebook creeps.

Thinspo from a xanga friend. I really love her blog. I recommend making a xanga account, just to peep. Blogger is better for support, but xanga is better for thinspo. I subscribe to a few really good ones.

So I got all my grades. 3 Cs, 3 Bs. :D Best semester I've far! Spectacular. I really felt like I wasn't doing so well, but the curve is a god. lol

Went shopping after Christmas. Spent like $125. Which is a lot. At least for poor little me.

You know, my ten pound goal isn't working out. I've lost...maybe 2. Just another of many disappointments I cause myself. I really can't fast. I just try to eat sparingly, but frequently enough to not have to worry about my metabolism. Fruit is really good for that... we had clementines, those are choice. I ate the wedges like potato chips, but guiltlessly. I'm trying not to count calories, but I wonder how many of those you have to eat before you have to worry. lol. I think I remember the whole clementine being 20 calories.

My mother brought wheat germ into the house. You can add it to anything to add fiber and b vitamins. Actually, I've found it adds a lot of a filling feeling to whatever you add it to. My mother's been adding it to everything, and I think I might take on that habit. It adds a weird texture, but it's really beneficial.

Article on wheat germ, if you're considering it :)

Anyways. I'm sure my weight loss will speed up at the end of the holidays.
Until then, I just have to drink as much water as I can bear. And sleep better than I've been sleeping. By the way, it's almost 8am and I haven't been to bed yet >_> oops.

Well, technically I fell asleep for a couple hours. So I, well no, I have no excuse.

My stomach has gotten really soft. I don't do enough crunches. Seriously... It's gross. I keep grabbing at it. And my thighs too. It's repulsive.

Oh. And if anyone named Jason claiming to be an "ana trainer" talks to you, block him immediately. Write about it. Warn others. Post your conversation! Some creep contacted me on facebook. Got some information from friends on facebook that he's been asking girls for shots of themselves in underwear, he won't reveal his age, and he can show up in a bunch of places. He found another girl on yahoo. I think his name was Jason Dahly. His facebook pic was either old, or fake. His profile is private. He does not have an eating disorder. He's just a pervert. I hope he dies a horrible death. :) He unadded me the moment I became skeptical. Probably afraid I'd report him. He did get away before I could. I couldn't search for him on fb because his profile was private.

Facebook has a lot of problems with creeps. I have to wonder how many of the girls are really girls. -_- it's a shame.

It really pisses me off. These old asshole perverts go on facebook to get pictures of underage girls in their underwear. Completely disregarding the severity of the disorder, completely disrespecting everyone. This Jason guy is the absolute worst of them all so far. He seems...almost innocent at first. But never ever ever trust anyone who claims to be a "trainer" and never ever send anyone your pics.

In the fantasies of these dirty old men, we're just a bunch of lolitas who want to be sexy for them. Ignorant pigs.

Sorry for the rant. There are a ton of Anas on facebook, and it's a good place for friends. It's just such a fucked up problem to have. The thing is, I'm afraid to report these assholes because ana profiles are banned, as far as I know. I know false names are now banned. Name changes have to be approved ahead of time. I'm afraid reporting a creep would result in my own profile being deleted.

At this point, I'm so frustrated with the dirty old men and foreign guys asking for a wife (wtf?) that I think I might just *let* my profile get deleted, except that I have 642 friends, and that seems like a shame to waste. Ugh.


Okay. This is long enough :) Time to try to comment on the blogs of some of you gorgeous girls before I pass out on the couch ^_^

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Hello & thinspo

My goal: to lose ten pounds by New Years.

I'm sorry I haven't been writing. Finals. :/

I have a final tomorrow.
I'm not really prepared, but I don't think it will take much to get prepared.

I'm going to have to be careful. I don't want to make myself not-at-my-best mentally when I have an exam.

So tonight I'll have to eat healthy, I'll eat a healthy breakfast tomorrow.
Multivitamins every day.
Same deal for my next exam.
There are only two left, so it shouldn't throw me off too much.

Losing ten pounds will put me at around my low-weight. I don't exactly know where I stand because my scale tells me a different thing every day >_>

the highs are around 140 o_0 the lows around 135 -_-

My thinspo came from: a site I found that you all might like called
You can add a little bookmarklet to your browser, and you click it when you find an image you like.

It's really neat, don't know how it works. lol.

Sunday, November 22, 2009


and I got my financial aid back! :D

Now I just have to keep my grades up for next semester O_O

There is so much I'm doing wrong, here.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Thanks and thinspo

Firstly I want to thank Mango, What if summer..., Lardy Laur and Libbybee for their support on my last post.

I don't know what to say, really...

I'm at my boyfriend's mother's house petsitting while they're visiting family

She's got an exercise bike, and I spent about an hour working out yesterday. Did that for 45 minutes, some sit-ups, some small weight exercises and lots of stretching.

The bike told me I burned over 1,200 calories in that 45 minutes, but I kind of doubt it. It didn't feel like enough work to negate the whole day. I figure I at least got rid of the cookies and milk, though. So that's something, right? It might have been that the gear dial thing is broken, maybe it thought I was working way harder than I was.

:/ I wonder how many calories you burn dangling string in front of a cat for 20 minutes? lol - it at least made my arm tired.

Or walking a dog. Probably more than the string thing.

I don't think feeding the fish did much for me :P

Anyways. Enough with this nonsense.

Thinspo Time.

There's an image in this video at 1:51, of a girl on a trampoline. Soooo skinny, I was like...whoa
So keep an eye out for her, I want that pic!

Saturday, November 14, 2009

I need guidance.

I'm a wannarexic. I must be. I don't really like that word, except when I do.
Thing is, I hate my body and I hate what I eat, but I still eat like this and I still neglect my does that make me but a wannarexic?

People with eating disorders tend to be sensitive, motivated people.
I may be sensitive, but I'm not motivated by any regard. Sometimes I go through phases of motivation in certain areas of my life, like this recent school-oriented tendency of mine, but despite this occasional motivation I'm nothing but a wannabe.

My ambitions are lost. I can't make myself do this, and maybe all it takes is a little more free time but I don't have it. The holidays are more or less here. What do I do?

It might end up that I simply won't have a Thanksgiving.

Personal reasons for that. Not ED related. Not that I even have an ED, just some sort of self image issue based on my being... what exactly... lazy, fat, emotionally abused and being with someone who doesn't make me his ideal?

Yeah, all that sucks but it's not in and of itself a mental disorder. I know I have at least a few dysfunctions.

I don't know what I'm thinking or what I'm doing anymore.

I've still only been to the gym once. I've eaten so much junk today.

There's this welches stuff sitting in a cup next to me. It's got more calories than whole milk and it's sooo sweet it makes me a little sick, but I'm still drinking it. There's other ways of getting vitamin C... There's no reason that I would need it.

I don't know how to explain this behavior and it would seem like to stop it I would just have to stop everything, and I can't afford to do that right now. Calories can't be my focus, I just don't have the mental energy for this.

My weight loss focus has to be self motivated, it's not just in my head. That means I don't have an eating disorder.

So why the hell do I have a proana blog?

Maybe I should just stop it, because I do it to keep myself motivated and organize my thoughts. and isn't that wrong? Isn't that something I should be organized against? Aren't I just being exactly what every real ana girl hates?

I hate myself too.

I don't deserve you guys and I don't know what to do with myself.

Do they have a name for this?

I'm a psychology major, maybe I should make one.

Or am I just looking for validation?

I need guidance.

Tell me what a worthless ass I'm being.
Tell me I should take my fatass off the web and stop being what I hate.

Tell me to just stop being a whiney little attention whore, because that's all I've ever been.

Just because I was born to be ugly, with a complete lack of motivation. I'm retarded or something. I have no sense of lucidity in my surroundings, nothing ever feels real and I can never seem to grasp anything firmly. I follow a path absent mindedly until it ends, then I get lost.

Does that even make sense?

I need so much structure in my life to keep myself grounded. I guess right now I'm more or less running on empty with my schoolwork.


I don't know exactly what do do from here.

I guess I dump the rest of this nasty juice and try to stay away from the kitchen.

At least that's five minutes I can avoid things I really don't need.

Admittedly some of my neglect can be attributed to a pregnancy scare, but there was no real reason to suspect I might be pregnant.

...Yeah. I'm going offline for the night. love you girls, I really do. I'm sorry I'm such a failure.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

11 november sleepy brain.

Hello Pretty Ones.
Sorry I didn't update :(
awesome video, embedding disabled
This video is lovely.
I love thinspo with tATu... I love tATu in general. All their songs are perfect, the girls are perfect, and the beat is always there.

When I take a nap in school (I commute...a couple hours between classes now and again) I put tatu in my headphones. Their songs keep me in the moment. Keep distractions at bay.

I've been pretty distracted this semester. 19 credits, which is a lot, especially considering how hard all my classes are. Taking fewer next semester, but it's fairly important I do somewhat well this time around too.

Really planning on working on that weight I put on.
but I need to focus on my grades
I can't afford to lose everything now.

three exams this week, and I don't know what I'm doing
two next week.
and a paper.
I'm really looking forward to a break

I need to sleep...
My thoughts are like this entry.
segmented and short.

Thinspo isn't working on me lately.
I'm too unmotivated.
Sometimes it works a little.
Makes me want to go to the gym.
but the gym isn't happening any time soon.
I went...once.
Once. All semester.

I have worked out some at home, though.
Jumping jacks are fantastic, aren't they?
200 Really get you going.

You know what does work for me though?
Cute clothes. Looking good in cute clothes.
I really need new clothes...

I'm poor. No luck with the job search.

I'm not commenting enough.
I want a box on my profile that counts comments I write, to shame me into commenting more.

I hope to blog more during Fall Recess. It's short, though.

I give up on thinking for now.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

I know, it's been forever

It's been over a month since I've blogged. I'm really surprised, Google analytics tells me my visitors went up in the time I was gone. I wonder why?

I'm sorry it's been so long. I never intended to go a whole month, I didn't think I would. I still feel like I don't have a right to be blogging.

Considering how much I've been eating, I haven't gained much in the past few monthes. Six pounds really isn't a lot. I's still too much. My boyfriend says he can't notice. But my sides are flabby, my belly is bigger, and my thighs fill my pants too much and rub together when I walk, and it all just makes me feel sooo untouchably repulsive. I really don't deserve 111 followers. You girls are so far above me.

Plus I'm breaking out like crazy and I'm overtired...I just feel miserable.

I stand by my decision to stop counting. Sometimes I still do, but only for meals that seem too big. I more or less know what's safe to eat. I'm not fooled by the salad myth, or granola...I don't overlook dressings. I tried to give up artificial sweeteners. I think that experiment is about over, because I'm waaay oversugarred, and who needs an extra 300 calories in their day?? It's so stupid and awful.

I went away for the weekend and actually ended up gaining a little more. Which is insane, isn't it? I guess that's what happens when you spend a total of 12 hours in a car and two days in meetings or a hotel room. It's my own damn fault though. All that vegan rabbit-food, and I can't get off the flipping mini muffins.

And another confession... I've been saying I need to get to the gym for months now, haven't I? I actually just went yesterday. I've tried getting more exercise at home, exercise is probably the reason I've only gained six pounds...but WOW that day at the gym felt amazing. Holy yeah. I'm not nearly as sore today as I thought I would be either. but yeah, the ellipticals at the gym at my university have cable on them. I watched an entire episode of something engrossing on showtime.

I'm upset though, because I really wanted to be 120 at Halloween.... not 136. 120 wasn't a lofty goal from where I was. Not at all. 16 pounds in a little over 2 days, though? :/ no way in hell.

Anyways, girls...

For now, this little bit of motivation will have to do. Happy Halloween!

Saturday, September 26, 2009

My boyfriend's mother has a cardboard catnip scratching box thing... It's in the basement, that's where I am.
At the bottom of that cardboard thing is catnip.
Somehow the cat got the top layer of cardboard off, and is very affectionate at the moment.


Purring up a storm.

No good weight news, except that I'm feeling energetic.
I've returned to counting calories, but less precisely.
I don't feel like going back to the daily plate yet.

I've got some good news about school - I'm not behind on anything! At least not deadline-wise. I don't think I've completely missed any assignments. I'm up for a tough couple weeks, big tests - but I expect I'll actually study for them. I feel ... hopeful. Like I'm not academically worthless.

I do have a rough couple weeks of tests and assignments coming up, though... So I'm going to have to work hard to stop myself from 'self-handicapping' (that was the subject of the last lecture I walked in late to this week. It was like they were talking about me).

I keep considering seeing a counselor. I'm petrified of talking to TAs and professors and that's probably not such a good thing. Actually, you've gotta make an appointment over the phone and that scares me too.

Okay. I've gotta get offline, now. I'll try to make a thinspo or exercise-video post soon.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Youtube cardio and update.

Oooh, thanks to you girls who commented on my last post. natxx and angel of ana, you girls make me blush ^_^

I've been failing, though. Yeah yeah, like that's news. I haven't been to the gym. I've gained a couple pounds. I don't have a 25.5 inch waist. I don't think it's noticeable to anyone but me. Maybe it is. I don't know.

Ooh, story. I drank a two liter of diet 7up a couple days ago. I no longer wonder what laxatives feel like. It wasn't entirely bad, but a little

I've been getting like three hours of sleep a night because I simply don't sleep at night and my days are occupied with school, and my boyfriend, who doesn't like to let me nap because he's convinced that I'll sleep at night if I'm tired enough, but it just doesn't work that way.

My legs are hairy and I can't shave because my skin is irritated. I'm beginning to break out again after a fairly decent length of time of clearer-than-typical skin. So yeah... Uglier than usual.

No news on the job front. Haven't really been trying honestly. I have an excuse now, though. School is time consuming. I'm determined to do well this semester. There's only one class I'm truly concerned about. Science stuff, and I think there are online assignments I'm not doing o_0

I realized there's only 23 graded assignments in all my classes according to the syllabi, so I'm making a checklist with dates and what not. That includes tests and exams and papers. If I so much as turn these assignments in and show up, then I'm almost certainly not going to fail anything this semester. Hell, I might even open the books on my own.

And I'm starting to do interesting things with my hair for school. I've realized that braiding my hair distracts me from the anxiety I feel talking to people, even if it makes me seem like a completely uninvolved narcissist when I'm touching my really-long hair in front of people who are trying to talk to me. Oh well. I don't care what most of them think...

My boyfriend has been aggressive and kind of jerky lately. He's been picking fights. He admits he's been having thoughts about wanting to break up with me, and I think the fights are pushing me away. I don't think we're going to break up. I'd prefer to believe that we're a strong couple who love eachother endlessly and aren't going to be ripped apart for anything. I know that's conceited.. I suppose I'm depending on the fact that he knows I need him.

He says he thinks I'm brainwashing him in the wrong direction; that I'm pointing out beautiful girls and asking him why he's even with me... So now I have to stop telling him he's good-looking so much and tell him I am.

He should know that he's lucky to have me, goddamnit.

He wants us to go to couples counseling. Apparently my school offers it for free to students.
I'm afraid to go though, I'm afraid everyone is going to be against me. I said I'd rather seek counseling alone. And I should - because my fears and problems really do get in the way of my academic success. I can't focus, I can't talk to teachers or TAs or my fellow students... People have talked to me thinking I'm a normal human being before. I freeze and give minimal responses and avoid looking directly at them. That's not healthy. Plus, it's hard to find an entry level job when you're afraid to talk to people.

He's been claiming to be depressed. I told him all the more reason he should seek counseling too. I don't think he's depressed. He decided this after a longer than usual period feeling sad. It's probably stress. Money is a problem for both of us.

My blogs are so lacking in Ana-content lately. I like posting things that you girls can use.

:D This will do for now. She's kind of funny. I just found this - it looks fun. I think I want to do this now...

Yay! I posted something. She's total thinspo, too.

I think I'm going to laugh doing this.


Sorry I haven't been writing or commenting. There's a couple reasons.

I've been unsuccessful at everything.
I've got school.
I switched to linux, and now I only use one browser. On windows I have chrome and it was part of my routine to open both firefox and chrome to do both ana and real world things. Now I have to switch and it's a pain in the butt. lol. That's my weakest excuse. Especially since I think it can be remedied.

Anyways. More water. Too tired to pace. Probably why I'm gaining I *want* to sleep :\ I can't... not yet.

Love you girls. I'll comment eventually. I promise.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Right now?

By the end of this week, I'll have dedicated myself to regularly going to the gym.

She is here. She's not as skinny as I thought she was. She's acting obnoxiously adorable. Wearing a tank top and showing cleavage. What is a tiny asian girl like her doing with tits? Forgive my language, but life ain't fair -_- Anyways, she was hula hooping. She's whining to her boyfriend in a pitch only dogs can here. She couldn't finish a bag of popcorn she was sharing. she's got the nerve to ask about chocolate?

I don't hate her. I'm hormonal. Bless my boyfriend for [i assume] intentionally not looking at her. I suspect she was actually trying to get him to look. I hope his humoring my jealousy came across as "you're unappealing" to her.

I hope she goes home before I do.

The past couple days have been depressing calorie-wise. I've been rationalizing my eating with my plans for the gym. Really, I can't wait.

My skin is acting up. I don't really want to be around women. Felt skinny today....but I'm only ruining it for myself.

I think school has given me some much needed structure, but my energy is low and my skin is acting up and my eyes are getting bags under them and I need the gym, it'll help make everything better.

Don't know what else to say. Thanks to you gorgeous girls for reading. 101 now, it's impressive.
I'll make an effort to read and comment tonight while my boyfriend is boring me to tears with his nerdiness. I don't comment enough lately. I've probably said that already - I feel like I'm repeating myself a lot.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

House and University

My boyfriend and I have been watching house.
And the thing about House is, every woman on the show shows chest
but they don't have cleavage
they have a minimum of three visible chest ribs (showing above the low cut shirts, I mean. I'm sure there are more).

I've mentioned before that I make a game of counting ribs. I want ribs. It bugs the hell out of me that this is supposed to be sexy though. Seriously, watch an episode sometime, if you're not already familiar with it. I feel confident that every woman on the show has some sort of eating disorder.

Anyways, things have been dramatic with my boyfriend, but I think things are okay for now.

School started and I have structure in my life again.
Once my period ends I'm going to start hitting the gym again.
and then I can get off this awful plateau, and sleep better and maybe stop feeling like a complete horrific failure.

Honestly, the girls around school are stunningly thin. It's a spectacle sometimes. One girl, I saw her walking down the hall. There must have been an inch and a half gap between her thighs as she was walking. Epic thinspo. She made me feel so big.

Okay. I need to drink heaps of water and hit the sack.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

unhappy boyfriend, unhappy me.

98 followers. I'm pretty impressed with myself.

I've been avoiding blogging like the plague... I'm disappointed with my performance.

Though I've been keeping with not counting calories, I haven't gained. I feel like it must be right around the corner. Like I'm going to step on the scale and it's going to tell me I'm five pounds heavier than it should.

I'm embarrassed to blog. I haven't lost weight since May. At least nothing I didn't gain back within a couple days. I'm not really even trying anymore, all I'm doing is complaining - and I guess I still have a pretty good excuse for it, I've got money problems, it's really stressful. My parents don't seem to be on good terms. Things have gotten better since my dad got a job - my money problems aren't exactly solved, but he can get my insurance which helps a lot. A Lot. So things are a little better now, but I'm still eating a lot.

I do seem to have relationship problems. My beau and I fought today - and now I feel like he's doing what he's accused me of doing to him a million times before; pushing me away.

He said we have relationship problems and that we're probably codependent and probably something about me not being able to communicate or something like that. That last bit is too typical from him to be left out.

and he said he wouldn't leave me but admitted to feeling sometimes like we're not supposed to be together. He says he gets mad at me when I'm not around.

This conversation actually came after the fight. He was cranky because he missed the bus and I just kept walking towards him, and what he said was that I shouldn't, but I did. So he was mad at me on the phone the walk there. It was a couple miles. I got a little sunburned. I actually got to him about right when the next bus was coming up, so we got on at the same stop and rode together.

Again, he was cranky - and he alternated between yelling at me in public [he would insist that he wasn't yelling, I still say angry loud talking still counts as yelling], and hugging me because I was crying. I hate crying. I especially hate crying in public. I hate being hugged when I know that he's only going to yell at me again when he lets go.

It was a stupid reason to be mad at me. I walked towards him for a few good reasons.
-I didn't want to be stranded
-Walking home and back to the stop would have taken just as long
-I didn't know where we were going or how we'd be getting there
-I wanted to be with him

and he was yelling at me trying to say I was wrong for walking the bus route to get to him because it was a bad plan "transit-wise."
He also yelled at me for never getting places on my own.
He also yelled at me for relying on him to make transit plans. Which, now that I think about it, I kind of did make my own damn transit plans, didn't I?

Lately he's been complaining in ways that refer to things that are a bit too personal, even for an anonymous blog, but things that make me feel like he wishes he had more sexual experiences.
That combined with all the other relationship problems he says we have
It felt like he was breaking up with me. Like...those would be the next words out of his mouth.

They weren't.

My boyfriend is unhappy.
That matters more than my own unhappiness.
He's everything to me. He's everything good in my life.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Societal expectations of beauty are BullShit.

Apparently the perfect BMI is 20.85

I feel like I may have blogged this before. At the time I learned this, I was significantly heavier than I am now, and I was stunned. Offended even, that this was considered worthy of the title "Okay girls, relax, 20.85 is now the perfect body!" Goddamnit, no! I had to work for that bmi, and after that I'm down to a bmi of 20 that number still strikes me as bullshit. 20.85? I'm know my boyfriend is attracted to women thinner than I am. I have no doubt. He's not atypical either. Maybe other men are better at hiding it, but girls, we know who we see men looking at.

There's another standard out there that's quite popular. It's 36-24-36 measurements.
Those measurements don't go with that bmi.
Actually, Sir Mix-a-Lot Probably said it best. "36-24-36? Ha ha, only if she's 5'3"

That's probably about how tall you'd have to be to have those measurements and that bmi.

Do any of us want..."back?"

No. No we do not.

I certainly wouldn't mind a 24 inch waist. Mine was 25.5 this morning, and my weight was 126 - which would be my thinnest, but I don't necessarily trust the scale.

The point I'm trying to get at is that it's unrealistic to set out standards on what society gives us to go by. That's what most people seem to think anorexics are going by. That society is giving us "unrealistic expectations" of beauty and that we're trying to live up to them, but in reality we're probably the only ones who aren't listening to those societal expectations.

Because they don't make sense.

So we do with our bodies what we think is beautiful, for whatever beautiful reasons they might be. Like a ... "fuck you" to those very same societal expectations. We're too smart to be convinced that what's normal is what's beautiful. We just sort of...opt out of playing the same failure game that everyone else plays.

It seems like the delusional game the rest of the world is playing [about getting a 24 inch waist the healthy way] is just as crazy as starving yourself. More so. Restricting will get you there. 1800+ calories a day won't. It might make you *muscular* if you're working out.

God, people are just so full of contradictions.

They say 'be healthy.'

If they say it to a fat person they're saying 'lose weight'

If they're saying it to a "healthy" person, they mean 'don't get thinner than me'

and if they're saying it to a thin person, they mean 'get fat so I can be thinner than you'

Fuck that nonsense.

I know what I want.


So that was the rant I had waiting in my reserves. What do you think?

I want to direct you guys to a great website I stumbled upon yesterday. PrettyThin
It's like a proana myspace and it has heaps of users. I can't believe I didn't know about it O_O

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Today at the subway station I ran into my old friend. The friend I mentioned in This Post, actually. I was shocked, this is someone I haven't seen in aaaages. We only spoke for a moment. I wrote my number on communist literature and gave it to him, I hope he calls. I'd have gotten his, but he said they broke it in prison. So I hope wherever he's staying he's got a phone to use.

I know it might be hard to relate to, but I hugged him like four times. I'd been worried. I didn't say anything about my knowing what he was in prison for. I'm just glad he got out...and I hope I can talk to him about it if/when he ever calls. It was so weird seeing him. You know that weird feeling about seeing someone you went to school with, and it's like...whoa, you look different. At fourteen, he was shorter than me, now he's got like a foot on me o_0 But he still seemed sweet, harmless, huggable. He still called me his best friend.

God, I don't even know.

It was shocking! I'm glad he's not in prison for the next five years, though. I hope I can see him when I'm more composed and not totally..."Holy crap, it's you!"

Anyways, I'm feeling pretty optimistic today. I saw a job in the paper for a job at an on campus coffee chain...and even if I don't get that, the same chain is on the corner of the nearest major street so I could apply to 2 places extremely convenient to me. I plan on getting an application online tomorrow, I can turn it in twice.

The only problem is that it involves talking to people. It might be good for me. and maybe I'll develop a taste for coffee.

I've got virtually no appetite lately. It's probably a cycle thing, but I'm enjoying it. My waist was less than 26" this morning. That was nice.

I've been thinking lately about how I wanted a job at a retail store, and it occurs to me that there's a good chance I wouldn't get hired because of my bad skin. Which is sad. and I'd never be able to prove that's why they weren't hiring me. I suppose the same could be said of the coffee chain...but we'll see, won't we?

a random couple pieces of thinspo:

This was one of the first pieces of thinspo I saw that actually felt motivating. I have a similar picture of me, except I'm 150lbs. I want to take one when I get to 125...whenever the hell that's going to be. Then I can can compare.

I don't necessarily think she's perfect, but it's a really cute pic anyway, and she's a lot closer to perfect than I am.

Oooh, I should plug the site I got them from.

Join! Upload your collections! It's goooood!

and I've got some good thoughts going for my next blog.. so when I've got them together I'll post them. Maybe even tomorrow. It might end up being a rant about the societal expectations of body image. Sounds like shit you've heard before, but I'm going somewhere with this. lol

Friday, August 7, 2009

a couple thinspo videos

Trying to catch up on some blogs

I'm not going to say much...I'm under stress. I need a job. I don't have much else to add to that.

So have some thinspo.

I found this video on youtube, it's really beautiful and perfectly well done.

And this one is pretty inspirational too . :] More uplifting.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Links to my better posts

Since I have over fifty posts I realize that many of my newer readers aren't going to go through my old blogs reading all the fluff, so I decided to make a list of links to some of my more useful blogs. Maybe I'll do a thinspo list another time, looking through my old posts I noticed I have a lot of those too.

Anyways, usually I make my links to open in a new tab, but this time I'm going to make the default link open in the same window and put an 'X' next to it that will open in a new window. I figure some people might prefer to just back track, at least when it's a list like this.

From newest to oldest:
Body Frame Size [X]

Inner thigh, outer thigh, butt workouts [X]

YouTube exercise videos [X]

Metamucil [X]

Tips [X]

^ Not necessarily "useful" but I like this one.

Calories Per Minute chart[X]

I don't post useful blogs enough. I hate getting all vulnerable... I write a lot of emotional blogs and people seem to take well to them, but I think in general the ones that have info like that are more appreciable. Helping others is really what keeps me in line. I learn so much, too.

I feel like I've learned so much about dieting since I've been blogging. If the topic comes up around my boyfriend's friends (they're all fat, remember?) I feel so tempted to bring up all the tips I have in my repertoire, but I'm afraid it would make me look sick. I mean, I can't act normal around them anyway, and I'm half their size - even if I'm still just an average weight. In any case, I feel like that shouldn't be the subject I open up about so eagerly.

Anyways, later my friends.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Classic Musical Numbers

I caught something on TV about Judy Garland, and it stuck in my head. So I've been obsessed with her all day. And from Judy Garland I got to Liza, her daughter, a few other ridiculously iconic artists.

I'm sharing them...I think they do inspire beauty, so it's not totally out of place.

That reminds me of The Nanny... Fran is obsessed with Barbara.
"Miss Fein, if Barbara Streisand and your mother were both drowning in a pond, who would you save?"
"My mother. Barbara can walk on water."

The aspect ratio is slightly off [she's a little stretched]

They say back in the day that curves were the thing...but the old movie artists, they really had a lot of pressure to be thin.

So what if Marilyn Monroe had a bmi of 20? :\ That's not big. That's on the lower end of the healthy range. And she was probably the biggest of the lot.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

thanks, some depressing stuff and some thinspo links.

85 followers. I'm pretty impressed with myself.

I want to thank Lyla Unleashed, xthinforever, and sadhanna for their comments on my blog about my childhood friend...
I really needed some input.

xthinforever, though - he wasn't obsessed with little girls. I don't know how it came off like that. I meant to say that when we were in middle school, like seven years ago, he'd talk about girls. Not *little* girls. I mean he was an adolescent boy and we'd talk about stuff like that. I believe the bit about high compulsiveness. That makes perfect sense.

And thanks to Lyla and Sadhanna for your stories. I would love to believe he's innocent, but I don't know enough about what happened to say for sure. I know he pleaded guilty, that's what the article said. and I don't know how to get in contact with him.

Funny thing is, just yesterday I was visiting my beau's nerd group, which apparently is across the street from some sort of half-way house for sex-offenders. It was weird, all I could think was that in a few years, my friend might be in that very spot.

Thinking about what happened to this friend made me think about spontaneous human combustion. Don't know how well I can explain it, but it's like... with spontaneous human combustion, if it's real, someone just experiences some sudden molecular mutation and bursts into flames out of nowhere. It's like poof - they're on fire. There's no reason something like that should happen. It's not in the nature of humans to burst into flames. It's unpredictable and extremely unlikely, but all the sudden someone's reduced to a pile of ashes before they had the chance to realize what happened. In a way, that's what happened to this friend, as far as I could tell. No one could have seen this coming. It's just sudden, and extreme, and before you know it so much is fucked up...

Anyways... I'm in the basement of my boyfriend's mother's house on my laptop. I don't really like being at his mother's house; apart from the wifi there's nothing we really do here. We don't really snuggle. It's really more like he sits on his computer and I sit at the laptop. We occasionally talk. Today he wants me to blog while he cleans the upstairs room. Not this blog of course... He wants me to work on a blog we started together. It's promising actually. We got like thirty-something hits after the first entry.

I've been eating far too much lately. Even my dad said I was eating too many brownies. That's just...traumatic coming from him. I'm ashamed to admit all this. I think I've gained a few pounds, but it's hard to tell because I'm less than a week away from my period and I'm sure I must be bloated. I really am disgusted with myself though.. I've been trying to work out, burn the calories off - but the way I'm eating makes me sick. I need help. I could go back to the way I was calorie counting before, but it just wasn't working anymore. It was always like I was watching the numbers go higher and higher and I couldn't stop myself.

I wish I just didn't *want* the food. As much as I try to brainwash myself, it doesn't always work. At this very moment I can still feel that brownie sitting in my stomach, dissolving, turning into my side-fat. By the way, my love handles are bigger than my breasts. I'm repulsive...I hate my body.

Sometimes I look in the mirror, and I just want to cry. That's what happened last night. I took off my shirt in the mirror. I have a muffin top. and I looked at myself, and pinched it, and I wanted to cry. and I started to feel like I was going to. Because I feel like I'm never going to be thin. I also realized I'm even uglier when I cry.

It's been so damn long since I've lost weight. I can't even express it. I mean, yeah, I lost two pounds camping - but I gained it right back. For a moment the other day I was 127 on the scale. but now I'm back to 130. maybe 131. The same I was at the beginning of the summer. All the changes that have been made, it's been up and down in a small margin and I hate myself.

How can my boyfriend even pretend to be attracted to me? I know there's a billion other women in the world he finds more attractive than me.

I am one of those fat, pathetic, unattractive weepy girls no one feels sorry for. That you just instinctively know are wrong and worthless. I could disappear tomorrow and the world would be a slightly more beautiful place.

I have this habit of grabbing at my fatty parts without even thinking about it. I'll be sitting in a meeting for my group and be pinching my gut under my shirt.

Anyways, I keep thinking I don't deserve to be thin. It's just not going to happen. I can't get under 130lbs. Or at least I can't stay there. I should be 123. Seems like an odd number, but in my blog about body frame size I figured out that's the bottom of my healthy range. I would look good at that weight. After that I Guess I'd want to be 120. After that I'd want to see if I could be under 120. By then I think I'd be technically underweight - which would also be interesting. Point is by the time I got to 123, I bet there wouldn't be so damn much of me to grab. I make myself sick.

Anyways, I'm wearing a six 9 jeans, and they're loose on me. This is of more significance to me than you, because my sizing has always been weird. It's my thick legs... but I want to go shopping sometime and try on sizes until I find the smallest I can fit into. I would *love* that. I'd like to lose a few more pounds first, though.

I need a job. I really do. I need about $1000 to afford to go to school this semester. I have transportation issues though. I'd pretty much have to find a job on my bus route. I say my bus, because it goes right by my house fairly regularly, and it's fairly versatile too. Technically I could also walk ten or fifteen minutes to the bus-stop that goes to the mall. That's a good bus. Always so crowded, though.

I want to work in retail. I so desperately need clothes, you have no idea. My parents say I don't because I have so many lying around, but most don't fit or are ripped or stained and I just don't know what to do with all my stuff. I know I need to do something. I need help. I need guidance. Nothing my parents have EVER been good at.

Friends could help, but I don't have any friends. Maybe I should clean.

But if I cleaned, my parents would get all sarcastic with me. It fucking pisses me off..

I'm to the point where I'm just ranting. I need to find direction or end the post.

Or...I have a better idea.

Those three xangas contain SOOOO much thinspo.

I know what I want to do next, though. I want to ask some of my facebook friends if I can post their personal pics. A few of my ana facebook friends just look fucking spectacular and I'm so jealous. D:

My Facebook

I just like this pic. It came out of a facebook friend's album, it's an MK thinspo.
I looove MK.
but this pic really stands out to me because I always feel like the girl on the right. I have pics that remind me of this.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

...scary night.

I'll thank everyone for the last entry's comments in my next blog - but tonight requires it's own entry

My boyfriend was assaulted at the subway station today, by some too-aggressive guy asking for fifty cents. My beau said no. Vehemently. I'm kind of mad at him for what an aggressive response he gave to some psycho... there were some exchanges. The guy shoved my boyfriend. My boyfriend didn't back down. Things started getting too much, I called 911.

I should mention that the guy asking for fifty cents was pretty clearly being aggressive. He kept walking into the comfort zone, and he asked me first. Even though I kind of told him my beau wouldn't give him $0.50. This guy was clearly looking for a fight...I suspect he was going for the stereotypical "I'll attack you when you're reaching for your wallet" kind of thing. I've never seen it, most of the people who ask for change are legitimately pathetic rather than psycho...

I tried to talk the situation down, too... "Please, be nice..." "There's no need for this" I got the impression this guy would rather hit my boyfriend than me. I don't remember what else I said... I stepped in between them at some point trying to separate them, my beau pushed me to the side. That's when I called 911 and the guy shoved my boyfriend.

I stayed on the phone as long as I could... I got on my bus. Getting on the bus was probably not that great an idea - I just wanted to get home. I should have stayed with my beau. It was... adrenaline I guess that made me do it. I should mention by now that the guy that assaulted my boyfriend had gone off in the other direction.

I got on the bus. My beau called me after he talked to the police. When he called he was in the police car and they'd found the guy that attacked my beau at a nearby gas station. I guess he just wanted to get off the street. It probably took just a couple minutes. My beau brought up a new issue - that there was a guy that the assaulter had been speaking to before hand who got on the bus with me.

I have no doubt that he intended to get on that bus before hand, seeing as they were both waiting at the bus stop. On the phone my beau said to get off only after the friend got off, in case I was being followed. I passed my stop and the guy still hadn't gotten off. As we neared the end of the route I got up and talked to the bus driver. Perhaps after seeing that the guy got off; it's possible that he was really going to this destination... he headed off in a different direction that the bus had come from or was going. That's something. I got on a different bus going back to my stop in the other direction when we got the end of the route.

My beau was on the phone with me from the police station. I didn't see any sign of the guy on the way back, so I got off at my stop.

I went home.

Had to tell my mom about it. Didn't lie, but downplayed everything because I don't want to worry her too much...

It really wouldn't have been so bad if I weren't so damn caffeinated. Too much diet pop. Too much made me sick. I probably wouldn't be trembling so much if it weren't for this.

My beau? He's fine. He's not even shaken anymore. I'm terrified.. I don't want to ever run into that guy again. That's my regular bus... I'm recognizable. No one's as pale as me. My acne? At my age? I'm scared...

Maybe my purple jeans are bad luck. I might even be scared to wear them again.

Yeah...yeah...bad night. Scared for my beau's life, then scared for mine.

I got that...too caffeinated kind of... "I'm too young to worry about my heart" kind of feeling. If nothing had happened it probably would have been fine, but I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. I hate that helpless victim feeling.

But yeah, my boyfriend isn't shaken. He's sorry he returned the aggressive language now. He was worried about me.

He said he's been beat up much worse when he was less emotionally developed. He's a nerd. He's not afraid of bullies. which sometimes seems stupid. Like tonight. He actually seemed in kind of a good mood..but yeah, like I said, he's worried about me now.

I'm calming down now... I'm going to drink a ton of water and try to get the caffeine out of my system so I can finally sleep at some point.

I'm going to be scared of my bus for a while.

At least the 11:19 outbound...

Monday, July 27, 2009

Got some shocking news about an old friend.

I'm going to start out with a description of my childhood friend. Someone I've know since the third grade. He was always skinny. But a really nice kid... In the fourth grade he didn't come to school with me anymore because they put him in special classes at another school. Again, I don't know why. As far as I know the only thing wrong with him, and I learned this later, was that he had ADHD.

I remember we would talk for a long time outside my house in the winter, because he was a latchkey kid and would rather spend time in the freezing cold talking to a friend than be in the house alone. I don't remember what we talked about anymore. I think he talked about girls a lot. I probably talked about boys. These discussions were in middle school, if I remember correctly. He suddenly came back to school in the seventh grade. I was happy ^_^ In the summer we'd go for walks with other neighborhood friends, and everyone liked him. He was too sweet not to like. He was flirty too. Just part of his personality I guess. He even kissed my cheek once in the seventh grade. That was kind of a big deal, even though I never considered dating him. Nevermind that he was a flirt, probably half my weight at the time, and I never really thought he was serious with his flirting, but I wasn't ready for a boyfriend back then. Plus, my dad would have freaked out. He didn't care much for this friend because he was black. My dad can be a little... anyways, it was always awkward to have to defend my friend to my dad. but my dad is really irrelevant here.

In school, he'd talk to me and sit with me at lunch sometimes. His friends thought I was weird, but he defended me and said I was cool. :) He was a really good friend. We hung out a little on the class trip in the eighth grade - those are the only photos I have of him.

I know what you're thinking by now. You're thinking I found out he's dead or something. No... He's not dead. He's in prison for the next five years.

I wondered about him and I searched his name on google not too long ago, and found a news article dating back to february, stating that he pleaded guilty to molesting two little girls, age 8 and 10. and yes, it was him. The age was right and he has a unique name, and it was in a local newspaper.

Technically they might not have been cousins. My friend called many people his cousin... Basically every friend of the family was a cousin, and his family had tons of friends from church and things like that.

My brain can't even wrap itself around this. I don't think he's a pedophile... If anything it was a crime of convenience. but that doesn't excuse it, and it doesn't really make it much easier to believe.

Posting about my weight seems really stupid and meaningless so I won't bother.
The depth with which this news hit me was profound. It's definitely one of the most disturbing things I've heard.

And to think that one of my closest childhood friends is sitting in prison labeled a child molester is scary and sickening and confusing and conflicting... I can't help but feel awful for him, both scared for him and angry that he fucked up his entire life, and probably the lives of those young girls. I don't know the situation. I can't picture him raping anyone. He was never aggressive. I don't understand what happened. I want to, but I might never see him again.

I just don't know how to feel right now. I've heard what they do to child molesters in prison. and even if they didn't hurt him or something like that, what if prison hardens him? I've never felt sorry for anyone who's hurt a child before....

Some of you probably have no sympathy for him. I understand... I'm extremely conflicted myself. But how do you hate someone you've cared about for more than a decade?

I really want to talk to someone that knew him, at least back in middle school. But I don't know anyone close enough to me, except maybe one friend. But this one friend was raped when she was eight, so I don't want to tell her about this because she might find it even more disturbing than I do.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Thinspo post...

I'm just going to post thinspo. I've been meaning to do this for a while.

This one is from the facebook group "I want to be a thinspo!" Just saying because it really stuck out to me.

I looove legs like that.

This one might not be completely new, but it's always been one of my favorites. I just don't like the whole scene girl look thing... but her thighs are amazing.

She looks like a doll...

I Want That Skirt!!! <3 So pretty.

Her legs, please.

Monday, July 20, 2009


I'm feeling so.. unproductive and unbeautiful. I'm shirking my responsibilities, as a student, a girlfriend, a daughter, and a human being... not to mention as someone who cares about their weight...

Has anyone ever read that children's book, I think it's about this kid who learns what his teacher does after school and how she's a person and all that; but he thought she just sort of ceased to exist when he wasn't in class. Like she was a robot.

That's kind of what I do. When someone doesn't call on me, I go back to my box, the living room, and pace and watch tv and go on the internet and occasionally fuss over the dogs. I don't do housework, I don't have a job, I don't write in my blog like I should be doing at the bare minimum... I fulfill none of my obligations as a human being.

I live a truly pathetic life; that's only slightly less pathetic because I have my boyfriend. He makes me feel like I have some worth...sometimes.

I guess I have nothing real to complain about him... nothing new at least. We had an argument the other night because of some stupid hippy chick who doesn't wear a bra. He says he wasn't looking... We've been through all this before. I think it was gross... but my boyfriend says stupid things. He said he noticed but didn't ogle... I know he looked; but I can accept it as not such a big deal. It's hard to explain what went wrong there... I mean YES, it bothers me that he looked. . .more than once. I believe it wasn't really lust or anything. It was a spectacle. She was fairly (not hugely, but still) large breasted and it was chilly... and she's got huge nipples. So it was waaaay out there.

I said it was gross. He Disagreed. How stupid is my boyfriend?
He was mad at me for being mad at him. I ended up going home early. I didn't really want to.

Today I wanted to forget all about it... but he hurt his back somehow and I couldn't even get the cuddling I wanted and needed because he was in pain. I fussed over him. Looked up stuff online about lower back pain and had him lie on the floor with his feet propped up.

I'm not mad at him; I mean he's a bitch to fight with and he tends to think he's smarter than me..or at least that's the impression I get...but both of those things are to be expected. How you act in an argument is a reflection of your personality; and I generally just let him do all the thinking. Hell, I make him do all the thinking.

It occurs to me that if I weren't addicted to oxytocin (the chemical you emit when you're being affectionate) we probably would have broken up ages ago.

I'm a fetus. I think about that phrase sometimes. It suits me. A womb. warm all the time. never hungry. small. invisible to everyone, but known of and celebrated.

Does that make sense? Just being warm...and thoughtless...not worrying about anything at all.

I don't want to die, I just sometimes wish I were never born.

And when I get like this, it's stressful too. Partly because I know I should be doing things. Like..trying to figure out what the hell is going on with my financial aid. I don't know if I mentioned it. It's because I don't want to think about it. It terrifies me.

I always felt like my worth was my beauty and intelligence. But I don't feel that smart anymore, and I really don't think there's anyone in the world who really finds me beautiful.


Sometimes I flat out say to my boyfriend "tell me I'm thin and pretty"
I make my boyfriend lie to me.
I'm sick.

I insult myself, but I'm really kind of numb to it. Though I have heaps of things I'm stressed about and heaps of things I don't want to lose, I find that I can't be bothered to do jack shit to help myself.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Updates and Body Frame Size

I learned something while camping for a week. Sorry for the long absence, by the way. I was gone for a week, living in a cabin with no electricity in a park where there are bears. I spent the whole first night thinking I was going to die. o_0 I got over that eventually, though. I didn't see any bears... but other people did. I can't go into too much detail about individuals, but yeah... bears.

Got sooo much exercise though. One day with did a ten mile hike. It took six hours. Granted, there were children there, but there was still six hours of muchly uphill hiking. Wow. I felt amazing. I know what you're thinking though - you're much more impressed with the children. lol, me too. Kids are perfect for stuff like that. A five minute break and they're running laps around the mountain.

I ended up losing two pounds...I think I've gained it back now, though. Which is sad.
I haven't been counting calories.
It's both something I'm kind of proud of and something I'm terrified of.
I didn't think I could do that, but sooner or later I'm going to have to start again. It's just freeing to not do it.
I think I should just avoid things...but I haven't gotten good at that without numbers backing me up. Maybe that's a weakness. Maybe that's something I should be working on? For instance...I just ate four blocks of a Hershey's Giant Bar.

Am I crazy or stupid?

Anyways... Body frame size. I learned in discussion that body frame size can be measured with the size of your wrist. So I googled it and got:
This Page


* Height under 5'2"
o Small = wrist size less than 5.5"
o Medium = wrist size 5.5" to 5.75"
o Large = wrist size over 5.75"
* Height 5'2" to 5' 5"
o Small = wrist size less than 6"
o Medium = wrist size 6" to 6.25"
o Large = wrist size over 6.25"
* Height over 5' 5"
o Small = wrist size less than 6.25"
o Medium = wrist size 6.25" to 6.5"
o Large = wrist size over 6.5"


* Height over 5' 5"
o Small = wrist size 5.5" to 6.5"
o Medium = wrist size 6.5" to 7.5"
o Large = wrist size over 7.5"

I measured my wrist. It's under six inches. I actually kind of find it hard to believe that I'm small framed, when I'm a healthy weight and my size in everything is "Medium." But I checked several sources, apparently that's standard.

After you check that out, you can check this out too: HERE
Apparently I'm in the healthy range for a small framed, 5'7" person.

...wait, what's elbow measurement? I don't know how to do that...
*learns how to do that*
apparently I'm still small framed.

This is a very strange realization for me.

:] but I guess it's a good one.

Okay. Enough of my rambling.

Enjoy this: The Lovely Bones
It has lots of pop-ups, but it also seems to have lots of good stuff.

How Cute Is This??

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Greif for Michael... an explanation for my apathy.

Sorry it's been a long time since my last post. I'm pretty much a wreck over Michael... He was seriously really important to me. His words were like a hug, when I had no one else. He was the most important person I never met. I can't understand how the world can keep turning without him. It's sincerely devastating.

I'm actually pretty surprised how well I seem to be taking it. I keep trying not to think about it - it's so weird. I think the collective good in the world has gone down.

I don't know if there are many Michael fans among my ana friends.

His strength was such an inspiration to me. He put up with so much bullshit. Over his skin, over those extortionist assholes trying to ruin him, over every little thing that happened when he walked out of his house. No wonder he was such a recluse.

He was the most famous person who ever lived. EVERYONE has an opinion. I could go on forever explaining every which way he's been abused throughout his life by the public, desperate for a glimpse into his personal life. I almost can't help it anymore, I always expect to have to defend him.

I'm going to go ahead and assume my readers are classy enough not to be cruel.

I don't know how to handle myself. It seems like when I try not to think about the fact that he's gone, I can be okay. Still, the world seems so empty now. I feel so alone.

There's nothing but Michael on my iPod right now. I have invincible, History, Blood on the Dance Floor, Bad, Thriller, Off The Wall, some songs from the box set, a Jackson's album what's name I can't remember, and a motown CD for some anniversary or another with some of little MJ's hits. Am I forgetting anything? I'm just bragging now.

I discovered him seven years ago, he's been my hero ever since.

Okay. I'm gonna get offline now... Sorry... I can't keep up with blogs lately. I'll try to catch up in a couple days.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

feeling sugar sick since sunday afternoon...

I ate so much pure junk on Sunday. My aunt decided to make father's day a get-together kind of thing. My beau was invited. She's my beau described it: "Food is love." So, yeah - we were all stuffed to the gills. I'm too embarrassed to say how many calories I actually ate. I think you'd have to be an athletic 15 year old boy to not gain from it though. Anyways, it all just made me feel sick, and I was exhausted all day anyway from having to wake up early [for me] two days in a row.

Anyways, it wasn't all bad. Socially it was a pleasant day.

Spent today with my beau, watching X-men. Nothing major happened. Just some much-needed snuggling. I always get annoyed when I see a fake redhead though, especially when they're trying to pass them off as a pleasant character in a film.

Okay. I also wanted to mention that I pretty much have my boyfriend taking food away from me. He says it's a little disturbing. I told him it's for the better. I could take it back if I wanted, but it really gives me a second chance to consider how much I've been eating. I actually recommend training your boyfriends to do the same. lol - it wasn't hard, I just started saying "take this away from me" and now he does it without my saying. He understands that sometimes once I've gotten started I can't stop myself.

Was there anything else? Yes. Pickles. Pickles are salty crunchy and tastey. I had no idea how good they were for cravings. end on a high note

Check out her hip bones - they look razor sharp.

and tiny thighs

Sunday, June 21, 2009

I felt like if I sneezed, I'd lose my soul.

I'm exausted. Today was a big day. Basically I had to get up at a reasonable hour today to go on a family picnic. I ate a lot of potato salad... It was delicious, but seeing as I saw my dad make the stuff it's miraculous I could stomach it. Jeez, he used like half a tub of mayonnaise on that. >_< Yeah. My biggest mistake was the fudge-striped shortbread cookies. I didn't go too overboard...but it shouldn't have happened. I did better at resisting my beau's junk food than usual. He's quite well stocked.

Running around with a five year old nephew made for okay exercise. He wore me out.

Then I had a group thing. It involved a skinny girl. I try to make my beau think everyone thinner than me has an eating disorder. That's messed up, isn't it? I casually mentioned to him after we left her that the biggest reason women take up smoking is because it's an appetite suppressant.
She has lost weight, though. She came in with a friend a year ago, and she was never fat but she was fat in comparison. Now? She's a twig.

I also managed to tell him some fairly depressing thoughts I have.

First of all, I told him that when I think he thinks a woman is more beautiful than me, it makes me feel worthless - like it wouldn't matter if I died, because there's nothing special about me and I could easily be replaced - traded up, even. I've been trying to be more understanding...thinking of his just-looking as a reflex they can't control as prettywreck suggested. I do think I'm less paranoid about that in particular. But that doesn't get that fear out of my head, that he's looking at someone who IS prettier than me and thinking they they ARE prettier than me. Go figure. -_-

I also told him that after he called, from the store, where he and this skinny girl were picking up snacks for an event, I got suddenly very depressed. This intense sad feeling. And...I thought I felt like I had to sneeze. And I felt like if I sneezed that my soul would escape. It sounds silly, but that's what it really felt like. I thought about it, and I don't think it was really a sneeze feeling. I think it was an about-to-cry feeling. For some reason, they felt a lot alike. Have you heard the origin of "god bless you;" that people actually used to believe a sneeze was the soul trying to escape? I always thought that was silly. Maybe it started with a similar feeling.

My beau told me I could probably get medicated in five minutes with that story, and that I should probably talk to someone.

Meh. It felt good anyway.

I gotta think sometimes about how obvious it is that I'm jealous. The way I squeeze in next to my boyfriend whenever there's a pretty girl around. The fact that I pinch and whisper to him. Sometimes he whispers back too loudly, but I don't know if I can really complain in that department. I think about how awkward it is that when I'm around a girl with my beau when I don't want to talk to her but I sit between her and my beau anyway. Ahh, the quiet on the train today. So awkward. I'm almost sadistic about it. I don't hate that girl. She's pretty cool. But around my beau, every woman under 160lbs becomes a target for ridicule the moment I'm out of earshot.

I kind of hate myself for it, but it feels necessary to me. I know better. I do. but I can't let my beau walk away without realizing some girl's many many faults. Even if I have nothing to say but "skank" about a complete stranger.

If I met a girl who looked just like me, I'd say she looked fat and pimply, that her nose was freaking huge, and that she had chunky legs. I know I would. I'd make my boyfriend agree, too.

Anyways, I borrowed this from a facebook friend's thinspo album:

It spoke to me.