unhappy boyfriend, unhappy me.

98 followers. I'm pretty impressed with myself.

I've been avoiding blogging like the plague... I'm disappointed with my performance.

Though I've been keeping with not counting calories, I haven't gained. I feel like it must be right around the corner. Like I'm going to step on the scale and it's going to tell me I'm five pounds heavier than it should.

I'm embarrassed to blog. I haven't lost weight since May. At least nothing I didn't gain back within a couple days. I'm not really even trying anymore, all I'm doing is complaining - and I guess I still have a pretty good excuse for it, I've got money problems, it's really stressful. My parents don't seem to be on good terms. Things have gotten better since my dad got a job - my money problems aren't exactly solved, but he can get my insurance which helps a lot. A Lot. So things are a little better now, but I'm still eating a lot.

I do seem to have relationship problems. My beau and I fought today - and now I feel like he's doing what he's accused me of doing to him a million times before; pushing me away.

He said we have relationship problems and that we're probably codependent and probably something about me not being able to communicate or something like that. That last bit is too typical from him to be left out.

and he said he wouldn't leave me but admitted to feeling sometimes like we're not supposed to be together. He says he gets mad at me when I'm not around.

This conversation actually came after the fight. He was cranky because he missed the bus and I just kept walking towards him, and what he said was that I shouldn't, but I did. So he was mad at me on the phone the walk there. It was a couple miles. I got a little sunburned. I actually got to him about right when the next bus was coming up, so we got on at the same stop and rode together.

Again, he was cranky - and he alternated between yelling at me in public [he would insist that he wasn't yelling, I still say angry loud talking still counts as yelling], and hugging me because I was crying. I hate crying. I especially hate crying in public. I hate being hugged when I know that he's only going to yell at me again when he lets go.

It was a stupid reason to be mad at me. I walked towards him for a few good reasons.
-I didn't want to be stranded
-Walking home and back to the stop would have taken just as long
-I didn't know where we were going or how we'd be getting there
-I wanted to be with him

and he was yelling at me trying to say I was wrong for walking the bus route to get to him because it was a bad plan "transit-wise."
He also yelled at me for never getting places on my own.
He also yelled at me for relying on him to make transit plans. Which, now that I think about it, I kind of did make my own damn transit plans, didn't I?

Lately he's been complaining in ways that refer to things that are a bit too personal, even for an anonymous blog, but things that make me feel like he wishes he had more sexual experiences.
That combined with all the other relationship problems he says we have
It felt like he was breaking up with me. Like...those would be the next words out of his mouth.

They weren't.

My boyfriend is unhappy.
That matters more than my own unhappiness.
He's everything to me. He's everything good in my life.