Saturday, June 27, 2009

Greif for Michael... an explanation for my apathy.

Sorry it's been a long time since my last post. I'm pretty much a wreck over Michael... He was seriously really important to me. His words were like a hug, when I had no one else. He was the most important person I never met. I can't understand how the world can keep turning without him. It's sincerely devastating.

I'm actually pretty surprised how well I seem to be taking it. I keep trying not to think about it - it's so weird. I think the collective good in the world has gone down.

I don't know if there are many Michael fans among my ana friends.

His strength was such an inspiration to me. He put up with so much bullshit. Over his skin, over those extortionist assholes trying to ruin him, over every little thing that happened when he walked out of his house. No wonder he was such a recluse.

He was the most famous person who ever lived. EVERYONE has an opinion. I could go on forever explaining every which way he's been abused throughout his life by the public, desperate for a glimpse into his personal life. I almost can't help it anymore, I always expect to have to defend him.

I'm going to go ahead and assume my readers are classy enough not to be cruel.

I don't know how to handle myself. It seems like when I try not to think about the fact that he's gone, I can be okay. Still, the world seems so empty now. I feel so alone.

There's nothing but Michael on my iPod right now. I have invincible, History, Blood on the Dance Floor, Bad, Thriller, Off The Wall, some songs from the box set, a Jackson's album what's name I can't remember, and a motown CD for some anniversary or another with some of little MJ's hits. Am I forgetting anything? I'm just bragging now.

I discovered him seven years ago, he's been my hero ever since.

Okay. I'm gonna get offline now... Sorry... I can't keep up with blogs lately. I'll try to catch up in a couple days.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

feeling sugar sick since sunday afternoon...

I ate so much pure junk on Sunday. My aunt decided to make father's day a get-together kind of thing. My beau was invited. She's my beau described it: "Food is love." So, yeah - we were all stuffed to the gills. I'm too embarrassed to say how many calories I actually ate. I think you'd have to be an athletic 15 year old boy to not gain from it though. Anyways, it all just made me feel sick, and I was exhausted all day anyway from having to wake up early [for me] two days in a row.

Anyways, it wasn't all bad. Socially it was a pleasant day.

Spent today with my beau, watching X-men. Nothing major happened. Just some much-needed snuggling. I always get annoyed when I see a fake redhead though, especially when they're trying to pass them off as a pleasant character in a film.

Okay. I also wanted to mention that I pretty much have my boyfriend taking food away from me. He says it's a little disturbing. I told him it's for the better. I could take it back if I wanted, but it really gives me a second chance to consider how much I've been eating. I actually recommend training your boyfriends to do the same. lol - it wasn't hard, I just started saying "take this away from me" and now he does it without my saying. He understands that sometimes once I've gotten started I can't stop myself.

Was there anything else? Yes. Pickles. Pickles are salty crunchy and tastey. I had no idea how good they were for cravings. end on a high note

Check out her hip bones - they look razor sharp.

and tiny thighs

Sunday, June 21, 2009

I felt like if I sneezed, I'd lose my soul.

I'm exausted. Today was a big day. Basically I had to get up at a reasonable hour today to go on a family picnic. I ate a lot of potato salad... It was delicious, but seeing as I saw my dad make the stuff it's miraculous I could stomach it. Jeez, he used like half a tub of mayonnaise on that. >_< Yeah. My biggest mistake was the fudge-striped shortbread cookies. I didn't go too overboard...but it shouldn't have happened. I did better at resisting my beau's junk food than usual. He's quite well stocked.

Running around with a five year old nephew made for okay exercise. He wore me out.

Then I had a group thing. It involved a skinny girl. I try to make my beau think everyone thinner than me has an eating disorder. That's messed up, isn't it? I casually mentioned to him after we left her that the biggest reason women take up smoking is because it's an appetite suppressant.
She has lost weight, though. She came in with a friend a year ago, and she was never fat but she was fat in comparison. Now? She's a twig.

I also managed to tell him some fairly depressing thoughts I have.

First of all, I told him that when I think he thinks a woman is more beautiful than me, it makes me feel worthless - like it wouldn't matter if I died, because there's nothing special about me and I could easily be replaced - traded up, even. I've been trying to be more understanding...thinking of his just-looking as a reflex they can't control as prettywreck suggested. I do think I'm less paranoid about that in particular. But that doesn't get that fear out of my head, that he's looking at someone who IS prettier than me and thinking they they ARE prettier than me. Go figure. -_-

I also told him that after he called, from the store, where he and this skinny girl were picking up snacks for an event, I got suddenly very depressed. This intense sad feeling. And...I thought I felt like I had to sneeze. And I felt like if I sneezed that my soul would escape. It sounds silly, but that's what it really felt like. I thought about it, and I don't think it was really a sneeze feeling. I think it was an about-to-cry feeling. For some reason, they felt a lot alike. Have you heard the origin of "god bless you;" that people actually used to believe a sneeze was the soul trying to escape? I always thought that was silly. Maybe it started with a similar feeling.

My beau told me I could probably get medicated in five minutes with that story, and that I should probably talk to someone.

Meh. It felt good anyway.

I gotta think sometimes about how obvious it is that I'm jealous. The way I squeeze in next to my boyfriend whenever there's a pretty girl around. The fact that I pinch and whisper to him. Sometimes he whispers back too loudly, but I don't know if I can really complain in that department. I think about how awkward it is that when I'm around a girl with my beau when I don't want to talk to her but I sit between her and my beau anyway. Ahh, the quiet on the train today. So awkward. I'm almost sadistic about it. I don't hate that girl. She's pretty cool. But around my beau, every woman under 160lbs becomes a target for ridicule the moment I'm out of earshot.

I kind of hate myself for it, but it feels necessary to me. I know better. I do. but I can't let my beau walk away without realizing some girl's many many faults. Even if I have nothing to say but "skank" about a complete stranger.

If I met a girl who looked just like me, I'd say she looked fat and pimply, that her nose was freaking huge, and that she had chunky legs. I know I would. I'd make my boyfriend agree, too.

Anyways, I borrowed this from a facebook friend's thinspo album:

It spoke to me.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

So what does one eat while camping??

I wanna thank PrettyWreck for her epic comment on my last post explaining men. lol. I've heard that it's natural and normal for guys to look. But you explain it better than my beau. His explanation of "They're just THERE" was never really good enough.

It still bugs me. I know it's not healthy. But every time we're in the vicinity of a girl thinner than me, clear skinned, big boobed - any of the above, I worry he'll realize any of them would be lucky to date him. I just want to snatch him up and run away from that situation, off somewhere we can be alone and snuggle.


Calorie wise... Things have been.. not so good. But my period's over. Situational eating is the problem lately. I'm pretty disgusted with myself right now. I think I've gained. I'm reluctant to accept that it's anything but water weight from my period. I don't even want to say. I don't think my thighs have grown - they're what I'm watching. They still barely touch. I want them to shrink, but I'm not being proactive at all with the skinny-making. Maybe I've been too busy and stressed lately.

I'll probably end up eating scarcely when I go camping in July. For a week. The food available will probably be...What *does* someone generally eat on a camping trip with no electricity? In any case, the people who'll likely be in charge of food are the kind of people with the "god made dirt and dirt don't hurt" philosophy... so I might end up pretty grossed out by anything they make.

That's really the biggest thing I have to look forward to. Pretty exciting.

I looked for thinspo in the woods in image google... searched a bunch of different word combinations. I can't find any thin-enough women that aren't pornographic. Which is unfortunate..

So instead I'll post a pic or two of the girl from the movie 21: Kate Bosworth. Watched that with my beau tonight. While the characters were counting cards I was counting the ribs in her chest. Some pictures of the actress:

^From the movie

< SKINNY legs O_O do want.

^ Holy Crap, is that one real??

Monday, June 15, 2009

...but I love LiLo

This weekend has been stuffed full of walking, and enough food for a normal healthy human being. I guess that's nothing to be ashamed of. I've at least been distracted from my failures. The only *really* awful thing I've eaten this weekend is a large strawberry triple thick milkshake from McDonald's. I drank most of it. There was a little help from my boyfriend. And eventually I just couldn't stomach the stuff. Yeah, I stuffed myself sick with all the wrong food. I won't get too far into the failure of that evening.

I've decided most of my poor choices are absent minded. I get myself food - and I eat until it's gone. I always have to finish what I start. It's...a poor choice.

Had a couple more unhappy moments with my boyfriend this weekend. He said something along the lines of having considered breaking up with me because he makes me miserable. I guess it could be interpreted that way. I wouldn't be able to function without him, though. But basically he was staring at this chicks boobs... yeah, that's how it goes. I caught him, he got mad, I started putting myself down. Every time I feel like I'm not perfect to him, I want to die. It sounds dramatic. It always passes. It's awful, though. I'm not even sure what happened. Sometime today he got all sweet again and said he'd never leave me.

I don't want him to leave me.

I don't even know what's going on.

Oh...and apparently I'm not getting financial aid.. I don't even want to think about that right now. It's totally out of the blue and if I can't appeal I'm getting a job. I guess I should get a job anyway. Thankfully I go to a relatively cheap school, though tuition is rising. :[

Anyways, I'm posting some thinspo because I feel like my posts have been weak lately.

Lohan looks amazing in those pics, doesn't she?? I *love* that girl.

Friday, June 12, 2009

I want to be like Spock - some introspection.

^ It's semi relevant to the post later. lol - but it's 100% a keeper, as far as image googling goes.

Did some walking today. Much of the day was uncomfortably social, trying to talk to strangers about the group I'm in. Same friend from the pride parade was there and he's a *lot* better at talking to people than either of us are. Something about me and my beau says "weird and awkward," something about him says "talk to me, I'm interesting." I'm not sure exactly what that element is.

Anyways... I don't know if I've ever mentioned that I've never been diagnosed with a mental disorder. I think it's important to make that clear. I probably could be. Honestly, it would probably be something like depression, ADD, maybe bipolarity? I don't think I could be diagnosed with an eating disorder. Anorexia, certainly not. I've never been underweight. I've never fasted for more than a day. I don't have that kind of self control. Ednos? Maybe. It might depend on the shrink. I definitely have food problems. But my aversion of food and lack of self control seem to balance out sometimes.

I have a lot of excuses for not being able to control myself. I do believe hormones make resisting impossible sometimes. That's been my excuse lately. But......

Today? Today was like other days I've had with my boyfriend. We ate dinner. Chicken fries. The calories really weren't all that bad. I ate slowly. I can do that with real food - I cut it up and dipped it in Ketchup. Yum. I may have eaten more than a serving, but I'm sure it was less than 300 calories. Yay.

Then, I reach for the m&ms and pretzels. I start eating them. I ate a lot. It was kind of slow - because when I have my period, I like to organize them in my hands and eat them together - like chocolate covered pretzels, but cheaper. Salt...carbs...chocolate... that's like crack.
I think this is the sort of thing that's a problem, though.
When eating becomes a task.
It's like...there's one...there's more...there's another...

I repeat. Over and over.

There's something therapeutic about repetitious motion. I volunteer to fold things, for instance, for that group I'm in. I love it. I go into some sort of trance. and with two different bags of food sitting in front of me, that trance becomes a problem.

Until I wrote that down, I never really realized the therapeutic effect of repetition. I think I could use that in my favor.

The real issue seems to be with resisting the initial temptation. If I could manage that, then I could be okay.

Does anyone have any tips on resisting chocolate? Jeez... That's like...Hell.. Some girls, they can look at sweets and see a dressed up chunk of lard. I can't do it. I lust for stuff like that. Glutton. I'm a f*cking glutton.

I saw a psychologist once in middle school. Apparently my counselor thought I had home troubles or that I was depressed or something. Made me see him. My dad tricked me into going. I entered the room crying because I'd been tricked and forced to go in.

On the bright side, after a session or two I ended up telling him my dad hit me - he talked to my dad, I never saw a shrink again, and my dad hit me considerably less at that point.
He doesn't hit me at all, anymore. Which is good. I'm 20 and all.
He never hit me hard or anything. It was a scare tactic more than anything else. I guess maybe it was traumatic, but I don't think I was abused.. I just grew up with the knowledge that my dad has a short temper. Now I kind of think he might be bipolar. He's scary sometimes.

I would easily believe he's depressed.

But... I guess everyone in my house is going to remain an undiagnosed kind of crazy. I don't see my dad ever going to a psychologist. Or my mother - who's menopausal symptoms merit it. Or me. I think about it from time to time, but me? God... I don't see that happening anytime soon. I have too much pride to have my parents looking down at me for it. Besides... so many people use their mental disorders as bragging rights. Does that make sense? I never thought so, but I think I'd do it too.

It's kind of like how I don't want an IQ test. Because I couldn't bear proof that I'm average and I don't think I'd handle genius well, either.

Or like that episode of Seinfeld where they have arguments over who had the worst day.

I'm not sure those two make sense together, but you can see the merit in both?

I don't want pity. I don't really think I do deserve pity. I actually kind of hate pity, as a concept in general. I mean, empathy and sympathy have a place in society, but I HATE pity. Being pitied makes me feel weak. Sympathy being shown towards me when I'm upset - it just makes me cry. When I start to feel like I have a right to feel anything, I just sort of... over-do it. I don't trust my own feelings. I don't know how deeply they're supposed to go. I don't know how deep they DO go.

This is probably part of why I'm so obsessed with Spock. Vulcan control of emotions was so ...

^ So THAT. [lol, sorry for nerding out on you]

When I cry, I try to hide. I don't want to be coddled. Maybe it's because I cry easily. I just want to go off alone somewhere and remind myself that I'm over-reacting to something that wouldn't make a worthy human being cry. Then I feel better. I suck it up - or wander off and be alone some more

Maybe that's why I'm such a loner? I hate feeling things. I avoid people to avoid feeling.

So... resisting chocolate. How does one do that? And has anyone else experienced the trance-like eating thing before?

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Gay pride march - fun and a good workout!

Marched in a gay pride parade today with my boyfriend. It was really really fun. :D I've never been to one before - lol, it's the sort of thing my parents wouldn't want to take me to. Anyways, there was some thinspo there. Some tiny Roller Derby girls and a bunch of skinny high school girls that I *think* might only have been there for the opportunity to dress in rainbow tights and dance to techno. That's okay, too, I guess. lol - especially since my beau and I weren't stuck behind them at any point.

Anyways, yeah - a buckload of walking. A weird artichoke sandwich from a coffee shop (gotta try new things, right?) that I picked apart after I learned I didn't much care for artichokes. I thought it was some sort of mutant rotting lettuce until a friend verified it's identity. lol - fun.

Anyways, what else did I have to say? I guess nothing much has changed. Wore shorts today. I didn't feel too hideous - it was cute from the right angles... chunky from others. I guess I might have looked svelte in comparison to the drag queens. Bless'em.

Some of my boyfriend's evangelist friends were there protesting. lol - no one payed much attention to them - not nearly as many people argued as I might have expected. Not even my beau - which was pleasant. He did however insist on saying hello. That was okay, though. There were some witty bits of conversation, though. At least funny.

Evangelist: "Name one natural part of gay sex"
My beau: "Ejaculation."

Friend: "You're message is really ineffective"
Evangelist: "I preach - I get my message out the way god wants me to"
Friend: "I guess your God wants you to be ineffective"

*girl standing with sign that says something about former homosexuals being saved*
Friend: "You'd be having a lot more fun with us"

Yeah, it was great.

Okay. I don't know if that's too many details, especially with the pic. We'll see, won't we?

and since I didn't even mention the pic, yes, that's me and my thick legs. Looks better than in another pic - I was going to post them both to demonstrate how chubby they could look in a different position - but my boyfriend wouldn't send it to me because he worries about how pics affect my self esteem.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Evangelists, bhangra, and skinny porn ^_^

I'm desperately in need of catching up on blogs. I haven't read in like three days - it's awful. I've been too tired or too busy or I left my laptop at my boyfriend's apartment.

He and I went downtown today, for some big free concert series that happens every week here. It's huge. I may have mentioned it before - I've mentioned it somewhere. Anyways, we don't go to see the concert. He goes to argue with the baptists carrying the giant "YOU'RE ALL GOING TO HELL" signs (he's good friends with all of them, knows their names, can't function without talking to them every Thursday all summer long). I go to be with him (kind of a fail, he simply can't be reached when arguing with an evangelist) and for the off chance of meeting a friendly acquaintance, like I did today. Brief exchange of words and a hug before he went on his merry way.

Lots of gorgeous thin girls, lots of fat people too - plenty of fat girls who thought they were thin. You know the type...

Eating was ... okay ... until I had the chocolate cravings. I ate more chocolate than I should have, even just to stop the cravings, but I wouldn't call it a binge. I was able to resist the seductive allure of the rest of the hershey's bar. Partly because my boyfriend interrupted my lustful gaze with the desire to cuddle - bless his sexy soul. lol :)I wish I were one of those Ana's who could look at sweets and just be disgusted. I just salivate.

Oh, I wanted to mention my new exercise video. Got it going through CDs at a thrift store - lol :) It's called "Bhangra Beats," It's really fun, it got me really sweaty, and I swear it shrunk my thighs just a tiny bit in one go ^_^

It looks like it's kind of expensive, but I got it for three dollars and it makes me happy ^_^ It's even cleared my skin up quite a bit. I absolutely MUST do it a couple times a week. It's going to become tantamount to a medical necessity. I'm really confident I'll see more results from it too. Hell, it even lifted my mood. lol :D I'm selling it like a miracle cure, but it's truuuue >_< I need to get more aerobic exercise, it's the shizzle.

Okay, one more thing. If you can get past how disturbing it is, and I think most of us have at least some acceptance of disturbing, skinny porn is a seriously good source of thinspo.

I made the image a link to a skinny fetish blog - so watch out for that. It seems pretty safe in general, but it's not worksafe - or if you're just creeped out by porn. Which is understandable. Oh, and it has an annoying talking ad, so mute your speaker until you can click the 'x.' I find Ashley Madison more disturbing than skinny porn...

Let's face it - there's no food in that gorgeous woman's stomach, and it's not the typical thinspo that you see every single time you visit ANY thinspo site. There's some original stuff in there. Some if it safe to post as thinspo. Like her.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Unattainable Grace.

The fail is that I ate like a professional football player Saturday. I'd had a fight with my boyfriend the day before, and it's right around pms time so I... yeah, I tried to keep count but I think it was around 2500 calories. I ate so much my stomach ached. I couldn't stop myself. It was... a weird experience. Never has self control been so...difficult. I wanted to stop, but it was like I had to taste everything in the kitchen.

I failed yesterday, too - but it was weird. I ate about half a bag of tostidos and a bunch of m&ms with my boyfriend. This mindless, almost tasteless intake of food.

I'm less upset about yesterday because I had an argument with my dad. Which...completely made me laugh, because he told me I couldn't get a ride to my boyfriend's apartment, or from. Said I could take the bus. Being Sunday, the bus schedule sucks - however, it was a pleasant day and I coordinated with my boyfriend to meet at a corner that's probably about the same distance from my house and his mother's house, so we walked together. Then later at night, I sent my parents texts asking for a ride. Buses don't go by his house past six pm.


So, basically I spent the night at my boyfriend's apartment ... as punishment.
That's pretty amusing, isn't it?

I've complained before about my parents trying to control my spending the night with my boyfriend; I'm 20 and in a long term committed relationship...but when it's used as a threat? lol, it was a win-win scenerio. If they gave me a ride, I'd win. If they don't? Then I spend all night snuggling with more pleasant company.

My boyfriend was also very sweet today, called himself a bad boyfriend. We talked a little, and I'm feeling much better now. Hm... Oh, I never mentioned we had a fight.

There's a girl at this nerd meet-up thing.

The TINIEST woman I've ever seen in my life. I mentioned the asian girl, right? Yes.

Yeah, I went with him Friday.

She was...gorgeous, and so fucking tiny. She was short, but skinny. Super skinny. She was dressed in baggy clothes, but I damn near dropped dead when I saw her get out of her car. She must be 70lbs..Hell, given how short she was, maybe less. I was so discouraged I cried about it later. I didn't even start the fight with him, though, after I asked if we could leave. I was... unresponsive. He got frustrated. I was probably talking about how tiny she was a lot, and he told me to stop. We got some chinese food. Chicken and broccoli shouldn't be that greasy...but I ate all of it. God, I've probably been on a binge since Friday night.

Things are calming down. Usually a thin woman is thinspo. and it's true, while I was at that nerd meet-up I didn't eat a damn thing. The moment I left though... Well, I had reeses cups in my purse.

I managed to give some to my boyfriend, and I only had five with me. It started slow. I might have had two.
but peaked Saturday.

She was sooo discouraging. I KNEW that I could never be as pretty as her. I knew my boyfriend would be seeing her every Friday night. I know he thinks she's pretty. and I KNOW that I would die long before I ever got to looking like her. It's Just. Not. Fair. I started to think about how ceasing to exist wouldn't be so bad. She put my mind in the absolutely worst place. You know what her name was? Grace. Unattainable Grace. She had such tiny fingers too, picking apart that scone. Scones are tastey, but they're not safe. She ate it like she had no appetite, like it was just food, and didn't matter at all.

The best I can do is going without.
but if I get it...
I inhale it. I lust for it.

It just wasn't fair. I wanted to die. I really wanted to die.


Anyways, I keep daydreaming about two things...moving in with my boyfriend, and an elliptical. Hmm.. Both are probably easily attainable, but getting a job and moving scare me.

Okay, to make this entry worthwhile, I'll post a little elliptical thinspo.

Sorry if the entry has been scattered.

Oh, PS: My thinspo video has 102 views ^_^ That's some win in an ocean of fail.