Friday, June 12, 2009
I want to be like Spock - some introspection.
^ It's semi relevant to the post later. lol - but it's 100% a keeper, as far as image googling goes.
Did some walking today. Much of the day was uncomfortably social, trying to talk to strangers about the group I'm in. Same friend from the pride parade was there and he's a *lot* better at talking to people than either of us are. Something about me and my beau says "weird and awkward," something about him says "talk to me, I'm interesting." I'm not sure exactly what that element is.
Anyways... I don't know if I've ever mentioned that I've never been diagnosed with a mental disorder. I think it's important to make that clear. I probably could be. Honestly, it would probably be something like depression, ADD, maybe bipolarity? I don't think I could be diagnosed with an eating disorder. Anorexia, certainly not. I've never been underweight. I've never fasted for more than a day. I don't have that kind of self control. Ednos? Maybe. It might depend on the shrink. I definitely have food problems. But my aversion of food and lack of self control seem to balance out sometimes.
I have a lot of excuses for not being able to control myself. I do believe hormones make resisting impossible sometimes. That's been my excuse lately. But......
Today? Today was like other days I've had with my boyfriend. We ate dinner. Chicken fries. The calories really weren't all that bad. I ate slowly. I can do that with real food - I cut it up and dipped it in Ketchup. Yum. I may have eaten more than a serving, but I'm sure it was less than 300 calories. Yay.
Then, I reach for the m&ms and pretzels. I start eating them. I ate a lot. It was kind of slow - because when I have my period, I like to organize them in my hands and eat them together - like chocolate covered pretzels, but cheaper. Salt...carbs...chocolate... that's like crack.
I think this is the sort of thing that's a problem, though.
When eating becomes a task.
It's like...there's one...there's another...one more...there's another...
I repeat. Over and over.
There's something therapeutic about repetitious motion. I volunteer to fold things, for instance, for that group I'm in. I love it. I go into some sort of trance. and with two different bags of food sitting in front of me, that trance becomes a problem.
Until I wrote that down, I never really realized the therapeutic effect of repetition. I think I could use that in my favor.
The real issue seems to be with resisting the initial temptation. If I could manage that, then I could be okay.
Does anyone have any tips on resisting chocolate? Jeez... That's like...Hell.. Some girls, they can look at sweets and see a dressed up chunk of lard. I can't do it. I lust for stuff like that. Glutton. I'm a f*cking glutton.
I saw a psychologist once in middle school. Apparently my counselor thought I had home troubles or that I was depressed or something. Made me see him. My dad tricked me into going. I entered the room crying because I'd been tricked and forced to go in.
On the bright side, after a session or two I ended up telling him my dad hit me - he talked to my dad, I never saw a shrink again, and my dad hit me considerably less at that point.
He doesn't hit me at all, anymore. Which is good. I'm 20 and all.
He never hit me hard or anything. It was a scare tactic more than anything else. I guess maybe it was traumatic, but I don't think I was abused.. I just grew up with the knowledge that my dad has a short temper. Now I kind of think he might be bipolar. He's scary sometimes.
I would easily believe he's depressed.
But... I guess everyone in my house is going to remain an undiagnosed kind of crazy. I don't see my dad ever going to a psychologist. Or my mother - who's menopausal symptoms merit it. Or me. I think about it from time to time, but me? God... I don't see that happening anytime soon. I have too much pride to have my parents looking down at me for it. Besides... so many people use their mental disorders as bragging rights. Does that make sense? I never thought so, but I think I'd do it too.
It's kind of like how I don't want an IQ test. Because I couldn't bear proof that I'm average and I don't think I'd handle genius well, either.
Or like that episode of Seinfeld where they have arguments over who had the worst day.
I'm not sure those two make sense together, but you can see the merit in both?
I don't want pity. I don't really think I do deserve pity. I actually kind of hate pity, as a concept in general. I mean, empathy and sympathy have a place in society, but I HATE pity. Being pitied makes me feel weak. Sympathy being shown towards me when I'm upset - it just makes me cry. When I start to feel like I have a right to feel anything, I just sort of... over-do it. I don't trust my own feelings. I don't know how deeply they're supposed to go. I don't know how deep they DO go.
This is probably part of why I'm so obsessed with Spock. Vulcan control of emotions was so ...
^ So THAT. [lol, sorry for nerding out on you]
When I cry, I try to hide. I don't want to be coddled. Maybe it's because I cry easily. I just want to go off alone somewhere and remind myself that I'm over-reacting to something that wouldn't make a worthy human being cry. Then I feel better. I suck it up - or wander off and be alone some more
Maybe that's why I'm such a loner? I hate feeling things. I avoid people to avoid feeling.
So... resisting chocolate. How does one do that? And has anyone else experienced the trance-like eating thing before?