House and University

My boyfriend and I have been watching house.
And the thing about House is, every woman on the show shows chest
but they don't have cleavage
they have a minimum of three visible chest ribs (showing above the low cut shirts, I mean. I'm sure there are more).





I've mentioned before that I make a game of counting ribs. I want ribs. It bugs the hell out of me that this is supposed to be sexy though. Seriously, watch an episode sometime, if you're not already familiar with it. I feel confident that every woman on the show has some sort of eating disorder.

Anyways, things have been dramatic with my boyfriend, but I think things are okay for now.

School started and I have structure in my life again.
Once my period ends I'm going to start hitting the gym again.
and then I can get off this awful plateau, and sleep better and maybe stop feeling like a complete horrific failure.

Honestly, the girls around school are stunningly thin. It's a spectacle sometimes. One girl, I saw her walking down the hall. There must have been an inch and a half gap between her thighs as she was walking. Epic thinspo. She made me feel so big.

Okay. I need to drink heaps of water and hit the sack.

Societal expectations of beauty are BullShit.

Apparently the perfect BMI is 20.85

I feel like I may have blogged this before. At the time I learned this, I was significantly heavier than I am now, and I was stunned. Offended even, that this was considered worthy of the title "Okay girls, relax, 20.85 is now the perfect body!" Goddamnit, no! I had to work for that bmi, and after that I'm down to a bmi of 20 that number still strikes me as bullshit. 20.85? I'm know my boyfriend is attracted to women thinner than I am. I have no doubt. He's not atypical either. Maybe other men are better at hiding it, but girls, we know who we see men looking at.

There's another standard out there that's quite popular. It's 36-24-36 measurements.
Those measurements don't go with that bmi.
Actually, Sir Mix-a-Lot Probably said it best. "36-24-36? Ha ha, only if she's 5'3"

That's probably about how tall you'd have to be to have those measurements and that bmi.

Do any of us want..."back?"

No. No we do not.

I certainly wouldn't mind a 24 inch waist. Mine was 25.5 this morning, and my weight was 126 - which would be my thinnest, but I don't necessarily trust the scale.

The point I'm trying to get at is that it's unrealistic to set out standards on what society gives us to go by. That's what most people seem to think anorexics are going by. That society is giving us "unrealistic expectations" of beauty and that we're trying to live up to them, but in reality we're probably the only ones who aren't listening to those societal expectations.

Because they don't make sense.

So we do with our bodies what we think is beautiful, for whatever beautiful reasons they might be. Like a ... "fuck you" to those very same societal expectations. We're too smart to be convinced that what's normal is what's beautiful. We just sort of...opt out of playing the same failure game that everyone else plays.

It seems like the delusional game the rest of the world is playing [about getting a 24 inch waist the healthy way] is just as crazy as starving yourself. More so. Restricting will get you there. 1800+ calories a day won't. It might make you *muscular* if you're working out.

God, people are just so full of contradictions.

They say 'be healthy.'

If they say it to a fat person they're saying 'lose weight'

If they're saying it to a "healthy" person, they mean 'don't get thinner than me'

and if they're saying it to a thin person, they mean 'get fat so I can be thinner than you'

Fuck that nonsense.

I know what I want.

~

So that was the rant I had waiting in my reserves. What do you think?

I want to direct you guys to a great website I stumbled upon yesterday. PrettyThin
It's like a proana myspace and it has heaps of users. I can't believe I didn't know about it O_O

a couple thinspo videos

Trying to catch up on some blogs

I'm not going to say much...I'm under stress. I need a job. I don't have much else to add to that.

So have some thinspo.


I found this video on youtube, it's really beautiful and perfectly well done.


And this one is pretty inspirational too . :] More uplifting.

Links to my better posts

Since I have over fifty posts I realize that many of my newer readers aren't going to go through my old blogs reading all the fluff, so I decided to make a list of links to some of my more useful blogs. Maybe I'll do a thinspo list another time, looking through my old posts I noticed I have a lot of those too.

Anyways, usually I make my links to open in a new tab, but this time I'm going to make the default link open in the same window and put an 'X' next to it that will open in a new window. I figure some people might prefer to just back track, at least when it's a list like this.

From newest to oldest:
Body Frame Size [X]

Inner thigh, outer thigh, butt workouts [X]

YouTube exercise videos [X]

Metamucil [X]

Tips [X]

Pro-Ana[X]
^ Not necessarily "useful" but I like this one.

Calories Per Minute chart[X]

I don't post useful blogs enough. I hate getting all vulnerable... I write a lot of emotional blogs and people seem to take well to them, but I think in general the ones that have info like that are more appreciable. Helping others is really what keeps me in line. I learn so much, too.

I feel like I've learned so much about dieting since I've been blogging. If the topic comes up around my boyfriend's friends (they're all fat, remember?) I feel so tempted to bring up all the tips I have in my repertoire, but I'm afraid it would make me look sick. I mean, I can't act normal around them anyway, and I'm half their size - even if I'm still just an average weight. In any case, I feel like that shouldn't be the subject I open up about so eagerly.

Anyways, later my friends.

thanks, some depressing stuff and some thinspo links.

85 followers. I'm pretty impressed with myself.

I want to thank Lyla Unleashed, xthinforever, and sadhanna for their comments on my blog about my childhood friend...
I really needed some input.

xthinforever, though - he wasn't obsessed with little girls. I don't know how it came off like that. I meant to say that when we were in middle school, like seven years ago, he'd talk about girls. Not *little* girls. I mean he was an adolescent boy and we'd talk about stuff like that. I believe the bit about high compulsiveness. That makes perfect sense.

And thanks to Lyla and Sadhanna for your stories. I would love to believe he's innocent, but I don't know enough about what happened to say for sure. I know he pleaded guilty, that's what the article said. and I don't know how to get in contact with him.

Funny thing is, just yesterday I was visiting my beau's nerd group, which apparently is across the street from some sort of half-way house for sex-offenders. It was weird, all I could think was that in a few years, my friend might be in that very spot.

Thinking about what happened to this friend made me think about spontaneous human combustion. Don't know how well I can explain it, but it's like... with spontaneous human combustion, if it's real, someone just experiences some sudden molecular mutation and bursts into flames out of nowhere. It's like poof - they're on fire. There's no reason something like that should happen. It's not in the nature of humans to burst into flames. It's unpredictable and extremely unlikely, but all the sudden someone's reduced to a pile of ashes before they had the chance to realize what happened. In a way, that's what happened to this friend, as far as I could tell. No one could have seen this coming. It's just sudden, and extreme, and before you know it so much is fucked up...

Anyways... I'm in the basement of my boyfriend's mother's house on my laptop. I don't really like being at his mother's house; apart from the wifi there's nothing we really do here. We don't really snuggle. It's really more like he sits on his computer and I sit at the laptop. We occasionally talk. Today he wants me to blog while he cleans the upstairs room. Not this blog of course... He wants me to work on a blog we started together. It's promising actually. We got like thirty-something hits after the first entry.

I've been eating far too much lately. Even my dad said I was eating too many brownies. That's just...traumatic coming from him. I'm ashamed to admit all this. I think I've gained a few pounds, but it's hard to tell because I'm less than a week away from my period and I'm sure I must be bloated. I really am disgusted with myself though.. I've been trying to work out, burn the calories off - but the way I'm eating makes me sick. I need help. I could go back to the way I was calorie counting before, but it just wasn't working anymore. It was always like I was watching the numbers go higher and higher and I couldn't stop myself.

I wish I just didn't *want* the food. As much as I try to brainwash myself, it doesn't always work. At this very moment I can still feel that brownie sitting in my stomach, dissolving, turning into my side-fat. By the way, my love handles are bigger than my breasts. I'm repulsive...I hate my body.

Sometimes I look in the mirror, and I just want to cry. That's what happened last night. I took off my shirt in the mirror. I have a muffin top. and I looked at myself, and pinched it, and I wanted to cry. and I started to feel like I was going to. Because I feel like I'm never going to be thin. I also realized I'm even uglier when I cry.

It's been so damn long since I've lost weight. I can't even express it. I mean, yeah, I lost two pounds camping - but I gained it right back. For a moment the other day I was 127 on the scale. but now I'm back to 130. maybe 131. The same I was at the beginning of the summer. All the changes that have been made, it's been up and down in a small margin and I hate myself.

How can my boyfriend even pretend to be attracted to me? I know there's a billion other women in the world he finds more attractive than me.

I am one of those fat, pathetic, unattractive weepy girls no one feels sorry for. That you just instinctively know are wrong and worthless. I could disappear tomorrow and the world would be a slightly more beautiful place.

I have this habit of grabbing at my fatty parts without even thinking about it. I'll be sitting in a meeting for my group and be pinching my gut under my shirt.

Anyways, I keep thinking I don't deserve to be thin. It's just not going to happen. I can't get under 130lbs. Or at least I can't stay there. I should be 123. Seems like an odd number, but in my blog about body frame size I figured out that's the bottom of my healthy range. I would look good at that weight. After that I Guess I'd want to be 120. After that I'd want to see if I could be under 120. By then I think I'd be technically underweight - which would also be interesting. Point is by the time I got to 123, I bet there wouldn't be so damn much of me to grab. I make myself sick.

Anyways, I'm wearing a six 9 jeans, and they're loose on me. This is of more significance to me than you, because my sizing has always been weird. It's my thick legs... but I want to go shopping sometime and try on sizes until I find the smallest I can fit into. I would *love* that. I'd like to lose a few more pounds first, though.

I need a job. I really do. I need about $1000 to afford to go to school this semester. I have transportation issues though. I'd pretty much have to find a job on my bus route. I say my bus, because it goes right by my house fairly regularly, and it's fairly versatile too. Technically I could also walk ten or fifteen minutes to the bus-stop that goes to the mall. That's a good bus. Always so crowded, though.

I want to work in retail. I so desperately need clothes, you have no idea. My parents say I don't because I have so many lying around, but most don't fit or are ripped or stained and I just don't know what to do with all my stuff. I know I need to do something. I need help. I need guidance. Nothing my parents have EVER been good at.

Friends could help, but I don't have any friends. Maybe I should clean.

But if I cleaned, my parents would get all sarcastic with me. It fucking pisses me off..

I'm to the point where I'm just ranting. I need to find direction or end the post.

Or...I have a better idea.

bonish-thinspo7
ivala-thinspo
iamgettingby
Those three xangas contain SOOOO much thinspo.

I know what I want to do next, though. I want to ask some of my facebook friends if I can post their personal pics. A few of my ana facebook friends just look fucking spectacular and I'm so jealous. D:

My Facebook


I just like this pic. It came out of a facebook friend's album, it's an MK thinspo.
I looove MK.
but this pic really stands out to me because I always feel like the girl on the right. I have pics that remind me of this.

Thinspo post...

I'm just going to post thinspo. I've been meaning to do this for a while.




















This one is from the facebook group "I want to be a thinspo!" Just saying because it really stuck out to me.



I looove legs like that.



This one might not be completely new, but it's always been one of my favorites. I just don't like the whole scene girl look thing... but her thighs are amazing.









She looks like a doll...






I Want That Skirt!!! <3 So pretty.









Her legs, please.

nothingness

I'm feeling so.. unproductive and unbeautiful. I'm shirking my responsibilities, as a student, a girlfriend, a daughter, and a human being... not to mention as someone who cares about their weight...

Has anyone ever read that children's book, I think it's about this kid who learns what his teacher does after school and how she's a person and all that; but he thought she just sort of ceased to exist when he wasn't in class. Like she was a robot.

That's kind of what I do. When someone doesn't call on me, I go back to my box, the living room, and pace and watch tv and go on the internet and occasionally fuss over the dogs. I don't do housework, I don't have a job, I don't write in my blog like I should be doing at the bare minimum... I fulfill none of my obligations as a human being.

I live a truly pathetic life; that's only slightly less pathetic because I have my boyfriend. He makes me feel like I have some worth...sometimes.

I guess I have nothing real to complain about him... nothing new at least. We had an argument the other night because of some stupid hippy chick who doesn't wear a bra. He says he wasn't looking... We've been through all this before. I think it was gross... but my boyfriend says stupid things. He said he noticed but didn't ogle... I know he looked; but I can accept it as not such a big deal. It's hard to explain what went wrong there... I mean YES, it bothers me that he looked. . .more than once. I believe it wasn't really lust or anything. It was a spectacle. She was fairly (not hugely, but still) large breasted and it was chilly... and she's got huge nipples. So it was waaaay out there.

I said it was gross. He Disagreed. How stupid is my boyfriend?
He was mad at me for being mad at him. I ended up going home early. I didn't really want to.

Today I wanted to forget all about it... but he hurt his back somehow and I couldn't even get the cuddling I wanted and needed because he was in pain. I fussed over him. Looked up stuff online about lower back pain and had him lie on the floor with his feet propped up.

I'm not mad at him; I mean he's a bitch to fight with and he tends to think he's smarter than me..or at least that's the impression I get...but both of those things are to be expected. How you act in an argument is a reflection of your personality; and I generally just let him do all the thinking. Hell, I make him do all the thinking.

It occurs to me that if I weren't addicted to oxytocin (the chemical you emit when you're being affectionate) we probably would have broken up ages ago.

I'm a fetus. I think about that phrase sometimes. It suits me. A womb. warm all the time. never hungry. small. invisible to everyone, but known of and celebrated.

Does that make sense? Just being warm...and thoughtless...not worrying about anything at all.

I don't want to die, I just sometimes wish I were never born.

And when I get like this, it's stressful too. Partly because I know I should be doing things. Like..trying to figure out what the hell is going on with my financial aid. I don't know if I mentioned it. It's because I don't want to think about it. It terrifies me.

I always felt like my worth was my beauty and intelligence. But I don't feel that smart anymore, and I really don't think there's anyone in the world who really finds me beautiful.

-_-







Sometimes I flat out say to my boyfriend "tell me I'm thin and pretty"
I make my boyfriend lie to me.
I'm sick.

I insult myself, but I'm really kind of numb to it. Though I have heaps of things I'm stressed about and heaps of things I don't want to lose, I find that I can't be bothered to do jack shit to help myself.

Updates and Body Frame Size

I learned something while camping for a week. Sorry for the long absence, by the way. I was gone for a week, living in a cabin with no electricity in a park where there are bears. I spent the whole first night thinking I was going to die. o_0 I got over that eventually, though. I didn't see any bears... but other people did. I can't go into too much detail about individuals, but yeah... bears.

Got sooo much exercise though. One day with did a ten mile hike. It took six hours. Granted, there were children there, but there was still six hours of muchly uphill hiking. Wow. I felt amazing. I know what you're thinking though - you're much more impressed with the children. lol, me too. Kids are perfect for stuff like that. A five minute break and they're running laps around the mountain.

I ended up losing two pounds...I think I've gained it back now, though. Which is sad.
I haven't been counting calories.
It's both something I'm kind of proud of and something I'm terrified of.
I didn't think I could do that, but sooner or later I'm going to have to start again. It's just freeing to not do it.
I think I should just avoid things...but I haven't gotten good at that without numbers backing me up. Maybe that's a weakness. Maybe that's something I should be working on? For instance...I just ate four blocks of a Hershey's Giant Bar.

Am I crazy or stupid?

Anyways... Body frame size. I learned in discussion that body frame size can be measured with the size of your wrist. So I googled it and got:
This Page

Women:

* Height under 5'2"
o Small = wrist size less than 5.5"
o Medium = wrist size 5.5" to 5.75"
o Large = wrist size over 5.75"
* Height 5'2" to 5' 5"
o Small = wrist size less than 6"
o Medium = wrist size 6" to 6.25"
o Large = wrist size over 6.25"
* Height over 5' 5"
o Small = wrist size less than 6.25"
o Medium = wrist size 6.25" to 6.5"
o Large = wrist size over 6.5"

Men:

* Height over 5' 5"
o Small = wrist size 5.5" to 6.5"
o Medium = wrist size 6.5" to 7.5"
o Large = wrist size over 7.5"

I measured my wrist. It's under six inches. I actually kind of find it hard to believe that I'm small framed, when I'm a healthy weight and my size in everything is "Medium." But I checked several sources, apparently that's standard.

After you check that out, you can check this out too: HERE
Apparently I'm in the healthy range for a small framed, 5'7" person.

...wait, what's elbow measurement? I don't know how to do that...
*learns how to do that*
apparently I'm still small framed.

This is a very strange realization for me.

:] but I guess it's a good one.

Okay. Enough of my rambling.

Enjoy this: The Lovely Bones
It has lots of pop-ups, but it also seems to have lots of good stuff.

How Cute Is This??

feeling sugar sick since sunday afternoon...

I ate so much pure junk on Sunday. My aunt decided to make father's day a get-together kind of thing. My beau was invited. She's very...as my beau described it: "Food is love." So, yeah - we were all stuffed to the gills. I'm too embarrassed to say how many calories I actually ate. I think you'd have to be an athletic 15 year old boy to not gain from it though. Anyways, it all just made me feel sick, and I was exhausted all day anyway from having to wake up early [for me] two days in a row.

Anyways, it wasn't all bad. Socially it was a pleasant day.

Spent today with my beau, watching X-men. Nothing major happened. Just some much-needed snuggling. I always get annoyed when I see a fake redhead though, especially when they're trying to pass them off as a pleasant character in a film.

Okay. I also wanted to mention that I pretty much have my boyfriend taking food away from me. He says it's a little disturbing. I told him it's for the better. I could take it back if I wanted, but it really gives me a second chance to consider how much I've been eating. I actually recommend training your boyfriends to do the same. lol - it wasn't hard, I just started saying "take this away from me" and now he does it without my saying. He understands that sometimes once I've gotten started I can't stop myself.

Was there anything else? Yes. Pickles. Pickles are salty crunchy and tastey. I had no idea how good they were for cravings.

Anyways...to end on a high note

Check out her hip bones - they look razor sharp.


and tiny thighs

I felt like if I sneezed, I'd lose my soul.

I'm exausted. Today was a big day. Basically I had to get up at a reasonable hour today to go on a family picnic. I ate a lot of potato salad... It was delicious, but seeing as I saw my dad make the stuff it's miraculous I could stomach it. Jeez, he used like half a tub of mayonnaise on that. >_< Yeah. My biggest mistake was the fudge-striped shortbread cookies. I didn't go too overboard...but it shouldn't have happened. I did better at resisting my beau's junk food than usual. He's quite well stocked.

Running around with a five year old nephew made for okay exercise. He wore me out.

Then I had a group thing. It involved a skinny girl. I try to make my beau think everyone thinner than me has an eating disorder. That's messed up, isn't it? I casually mentioned to him after we left her that the biggest reason women take up smoking is because it's an appetite suppressant.
She has lost weight, though. She came in with a friend a year ago, and she was never fat but she was fat in comparison. Now? She's a twig.

I also managed to tell him some fairly depressing thoughts I have.

First of all, I told him that when I think he thinks a woman is more beautiful than me, it makes me feel worthless - like it wouldn't matter if I died, because there's nothing special about me and I could easily be replaced - traded up, even. I've been trying to be more understanding...thinking of his just-looking as a reflex they can't control as prettywreck suggested. I do think I'm less paranoid about that in particular. But that doesn't get that fear out of my head, that he's looking at someone who IS prettier than me and thinking they they ARE prettier than me. Go figure. -_-

I also told him that after he called, from the store, where he and this skinny girl were picking up snacks for an event, I got suddenly very depressed. This intense sad feeling. And...I thought I felt like I had to sneeze. And I felt like if I sneezed that my soul would escape. It sounds silly, but that's what it really felt like. I thought about it, and I don't think it was really a sneeze feeling. I think it was an about-to-cry feeling. For some reason, they felt a lot alike. Have you heard the origin of "god bless you;" that people actually used to believe a sneeze was the soul trying to escape? I always thought that was silly. Maybe it started with a similar feeling.

My beau told me I could probably get medicated in five minutes with that story, and that I should probably talk to someone.

Meh. It felt good anyway.

I gotta think sometimes about how obvious it is that I'm jealous. The way I squeeze in next to my boyfriend whenever there's a pretty girl around. The fact that I pinch and whisper to him. Sometimes he whispers back too loudly, but I don't know if I can really complain in that department. I think about how awkward it is that when I'm around a girl with my beau when I don't want to talk to her but I sit between her and my beau anyway. Ahh, the quiet on the train today. So awkward. I'm almost sadistic about it. I don't hate that girl. She's pretty cool. But around my beau, every woman under 160lbs becomes a target for ridicule the moment I'm out of earshot.

I kind of hate myself for it, but it feels necessary to me. I know better. I do. but I can't let my beau walk away without realizing some girl's many many faults. Even if I have nothing to say but "skank" about a complete stranger.

If I met a girl who looked just like me, I'd say she looked fat and pimply, that her nose was freaking huge, and that she had chunky legs. I know I would. I'd make my boyfriend agree, too.

Anyways, I borrowed this from a facebook friend's thinspo album:

It spoke to me.

So what does one eat while camping??

I wanna thank PrettyWreck for her epic comment on my last post explaining men. lol. I've heard that it's natural and normal for guys to look. But you explain it better than my beau. His explanation of "They're just THERE" was never really good enough.

It still bugs me. I know it's not healthy. But every time we're in the vicinity of a girl thinner than me, clear skinned, big boobed - any of the above, I worry he'll realize any of them would be lucky to date him. I just want to snatch him up and run away from that situation, off somewhere we can be alone and snuggle.

..................

Calorie wise... Things have been.. not so good. But my period's over. Situational eating is the problem lately. I'm pretty disgusted with myself right now. I think I've gained. I'm reluctant to accept that it's anything but water weight from my period. I don't even want to say. I don't think my thighs have grown - they're what I'm watching. They still barely touch. I want them to shrink, but I'm not being proactive at all with the skinny-making. Maybe I've been too busy and stressed lately.

I'll probably end up eating scarcely when I go camping in July. For a week. The food available will probably be...What *does* someone generally eat on a camping trip with no electricity? In any case, the people who'll likely be in charge of food are the kind of people with the "god made dirt and dirt don't hurt" philosophy... so I might end up pretty grossed out by anything they make.

That's really the biggest thing I have to look forward to. Pretty exciting.

I looked for thinspo in the woods in image google... searched a bunch of different word combinations. I can't find any thin-enough women that aren't pornographic. Which is unfortunate..

So instead I'll post a pic or two of the girl from the movie 21: Kate Bosworth. Watched that with my beau tonight. While the characters were counting cards I was counting the ribs in her chest. Some pictures of the actress:


^From the movie


< SKINNY legs O_O do want.


^ Holy Crap, is that one real??

...but I love LiLo

This weekend has been stuffed full of walking, and enough food for a normal healthy human being. I guess that's nothing to be ashamed of. I've at least been distracted from my failures. The only *really* awful thing I've eaten this weekend is a large strawberry triple thick milkshake from McDonald's. I drank most of it. There was a little help from my boyfriend. And eventually I just couldn't stomach the stuff. Yeah, I stuffed myself sick with all the wrong food. I won't get too far into the failure of that evening.

I've decided most of my poor choices are absent minded. I get myself food - and I eat until it's gone. I always have to finish what I start. It's...a poor choice.

Had a couple more unhappy moments with my boyfriend this weekend. He said something along the lines of having considered breaking up with me because he makes me miserable. I guess it could be interpreted that way. I wouldn't be able to function without him, though. But basically he was staring at this chicks boobs... yeah, that's how it goes. I caught him, he got mad, I started putting myself down. Every time I feel like I'm not perfect to him, I want to die. It sounds dramatic. It always passes. It's awful, though. I'm not even sure what happened. Sometime today he got all sweet again and said he'd never leave me.

I don't want him to leave me.

I don't even know what's going on.

Oh...and apparently I'm not getting financial aid.. I don't even want to think about that right now. It's totally out of the blue and if I can't appeal I'm getting a job. I guess I should get a job anyway. Thankfully I go to a relatively cheap school, though tuition is rising. :[

Anyways, I'm posting some thinspo because I feel like my posts have been weak lately.








Lohan looks amazing in those pics, doesn't she?? I *love* that girl.

I want to be like Spock - some introspection.

^ It's semi relevant to the post later. lol - but it's 100% a keeper, as far as image googling goes.


Did some walking today. Much of the day was uncomfortably social, trying to talk to strangers about the group I'm in. Same friend from the pride parade was there and he's a *lot* better at talking to people than either of us are. Something about me and my beau says "weird and awkward," something about him says "talk to me, I'm interesting." I'm not sure exactly what that element is.

Anyways... I don't know if I've ever mentioned that I've never been diagnosed with a mental disorder. I think it's important to make that clear. I probably could be. Honestly, it would probably be something like depression, ADD, maybe bipolarity? I don't think I could be diagnosed with an eating disorder. Anorexia, certainly not. I've never been underweight. I've never fasted for more than a day. I don't have that kind of self control. Ednos? Maybe. It might depend on the shrink. I definitely have food problems. But my aversion of food and lack of self control seem to balance out sometimes.

I have a lot of excuses for not being able to control myself. I do believe hormones make resisting impossible sometimes. That's been my excuse lately. But......

Today? Today was like other days I've had with my boyfriend. We ate dinner. Chicken fries. The calories really weren't all that bad. I ate slowly. I can do that with real food - I cut it up and dipped it in Ketchup. Yum. I may have eaten more than a serving, but I'm sure it was less than 300 calories. Yay.

Then, I reach for the m&ms and pretzels. I start eating them. I ate a lot. It was kind of slow - because when I have my period, I like to organize them in my hands and eat them together - like chocolate covered pretzels, but cheaper. Salt...carbs...chocolate... that's like crack.
I think this is the sort of thing that's a problem, though.
When eating becomes a task.
It's like...there's one...there's another...one more...there's another...

I repeat. Over and over.

There's something therapeutic about repetitious motion. I volunteer to fold things, for instance, for that group I'm in. I love it. I go into some sort of trance. and with two different bags of food sitting in front of me, that trance becomes a problem.

Until I wrote that down, I never really realized the therapeutic effect of repetition. I think I could use that in my favor.

The real issue seems to be with resisting the initial temptation. If I could manage that, then I could be okay.

Does anyone have any tips on resisting chocolate? Jeez... That's like...Hell.. Some girls, they can look at sweets and see a dressed up chunk of lard. I can't do it. I lust for stuff like that. Glutton. I'm a f*cking glutton.

I saw a psychologist once in middle school. Apparently my counselor thought I had home troubles or that I was depressed or something. Made me see him. My dad tricked me into going. I entered the room crying because I'd been tricked and forced to go in.

On the bright side, after a session or two I ended up telling him my dad hit me - he talked to my dad, I never saw a shrink again, and my dad hit me considerably less at that point.
He doesn't hit me at all, anymore. Which is good. I'm 20 and all.
He never hit me hard or anything. It was a scare tactic more than anything else. I guess maybe it was traumatic, but I don't think I was abused.. I just grew up with the knowledge that my dad has a short temper. Now I kind of think he might be bipolar. He's scary sometimes.

I would easily believe he's depressed.

But... I guess everyone in my house is going to remain an undiagnosed kind of crazy. I don't see my dad ever going to a psychologist. Or my mother - who's menopausal symptoms merit it. Or me. I think about it from time to time, but me? God... I don't see that happening anytime soon. I have too much pride to have my parents looking down at me for it. Besides... so many people use their mental disorders as bragging rights. Does that make sense? I never thought so, but I think I'd do it too.

It's kind of like how I don't want an IQ test. Because I couldn't bear proof that I'm average and I don't think I'd handle genius well, either.

Or like that episode of Seinfeld where they have arguments over who had the worst day.

I'm not sure those two make sense together, but you can see the merit in both?

I don't want pity. I don't really think I do deserve pity. I actually kind of hate pity, as a concept in general. I mean, empathy and sympathy have a place in society, but I HATE pity. Being pitied makes me feel weak. Sympathy being shown towards me when I'm upset - it just makes me cry. When I start to feel like I have a right to feel anything, I just sort of... over-do it. I don't trust my own feelings. I don't know how deeply they're supposed to go. I don't know how deep they DO go.

This is probably part of why I'm so obsessed with Spock. Vulcan control of emotions was so ...



^ So THAT. [lol, sorry for nerding out on you]

When I cry, I try to hide. I don't want to be coddled. Maybe it's because I cry easily. I just want to go off alone somewhere and remind myself that I'm over-reacting to something that wouldn't make a worthy human being cry. Then I feel better. I suck it up - or wander off and be alone some more

Maybe that's why I'm such a loner? I hate feeling things. I avoid people to avoid feeling.

So... resisting chocolate. How does one do that? And has anyone else experienced the trance-like eating thing before?

Gay pride march - fun and a good workout!

Marched in a gay pride parade today with my boyfriend. It was really really fun. :D I've never been to one before - lol, it's the sort of thing my parents wouldn't want to take me to. Anyways, there was some thinspo there. Some tiny Roller Derby girls and a bunch of skinny high school girls that I *think* might only have been there for the opportunity to dress in rainbow tights and dance to techno. That's okay, too, I guess. lol - especially since my beau and I weren't stuck behind them at any point.

Anyways, yeah - a buckload of walking. A weird artichoke sandwich from a coffee shop (gotta try new things, right?) that I picked apart after I learned I didn't much care for artichokes. I thought it was some sort of mutant rotting lettuce until a friend verified it's identity. lol - fun.

Anyways, what else did I have to say? I guess nothing much has changed. Wore shorts today. I didn't feel too hideous - it was cute from the right angles... chunky from others. I guess I might have looked svelte in comparison to the drag queens. Bless'em.

Some of my boyfriend's evangelist friends were there protesting. lol - no one payed much attention to them - not nearly as many people argued as I might have expected. Not even my beau - which was pleasant. He did however insist on saying hello. That was okay, though. There were some witty bits of conversation, though. At least funny.

Evangelist: "Name one natural part of gay sex"
My beau: "Ejaculation."

Friend: "You're message is really ineffective"
Evangelist: "I preach - I get my message out the way god wants me to"
Friend: "I guess your God wants you to be ineffective"

*girl standing with sign that says something about former homosexuals being saved*
Friend: "You'd be having a lot more fun with us"

Yeah, it was great.

Okay. I don't know if that's too many details, especially with the pic. We'll see, won't we?

and since I didn't even mention the pic, yes, that's me and my thick legs. Looks better than in another pic - I was going to post them both to demonstrate how chubby they could look in a different position - but my boyfriend wouldn't send it to me because he worries about how pics affect my self esteem.

Evangelists, bhangra, and skinny porn ^_^

I'm desperately in need of catching up on blogs. I haven't read in like three days - it's awful. I've been too tired or too busy or I left my laptop at my boyfriend's apartment.

He and I went downtown today, for some big free concert series that happens every week here. It's huge. I may have mentioned it before - I've mentioned it somewhere. Anyways, we don't go to see the concert. He goes to argue with the baptists carrying the giant "YOU'RE ALL GOING TO HELL" signs (he's good friends with all of them, knows their names, can't function without talking to them every Thursday all summer long). I go to be with him (kind of a fail, he simply can't be reached when arguing with an evangelist) and for the off chance of meeting a friendly acquaintance, like I did today. Brief exchange of words and a hug before he went on his merry way.

Lots of gorgeous thin girls, lots of fat people too - plenty of fat girls who thought they were thin. You know the type...

Eating was ... okay ... until I had the chocolate cravings. I ate more chocolate than I should have, even just to stop the cravings, but I wouldn't call it a binge. I was able to resist the seductive allure of the rest of the hershey's bar. Partly because my boyfriend interrupted my lustful gaze with the desire to cuddle - bless his sexy soul. lol :)I wish I were one of those Ana's who could look at sweets and just be disgusted. No...no... I just salivate.

Oh, I wanted to mention my new exercise video. Got it going through CDs at a thrift store - lol :) It's called "Bhangra Beats," It's really fun, it got me really sweaty, and I swear it shrunk my thighs just a tiny bit in one go ^_^

http://www.bhangrabeats.org/

It looks like it's kind of expensive, but I got it for three dollars and it makes me happy ^_^ It's even cleared my skin up quite a bit. I absolutely MUST do it a couple times a week. It's going to become tantamount to a medical necessity. I'm really confident I'll see more results from it too. Hell, it even lifted my mood. lol :D I'm selling it like a miracle cure, but it's truuuue >_< I need to get more aerobic exercise, it's the shizzle.

Okay, one more thing. If you can get past how disturbing it is, and I think most of us have at least some acceptance of disturbing, skinny porn is a seriously good source of thinspo.



I made the image a link to a skinny fetish blog - so watch out for that. It seems pretty safe in general, but it's not worksafe - or if you're just creeped out by porn. Which is understandable. Oh, and it has an annoying talking ad, so mute your speaker until you can click the 'x.' I find Ashley Madison more disturbing than skinny porn...

Let's face it - there's no food in that gorgeous woman's stomach, and it's not the typical thinspo that you see every single time you visit ANY thinspo site. There's some original stuff in there. Some if it safe to post as thinspo. Like her.

Unattainable Grace.

The fail is that I ate like a professional football player Saturday. I'd had a fight with my boyfriend the day before, and it's right around pms time so I... yeah, I tried to keep count but I think it was around 2500 calories. I ate so much my stomach ached. I couldn't stop myself. It was... a weird experience. Never has self control been so...difficult. I wanted to stop, but it was like I had to taste everything in the kitchen.

I failed yesterday, too - but it was weird. I ate about half a bag of tostidos and a bunch of m&ms with my boyfriend. This mindless, almost tasteless intake of food.

I'm less upset about yesterday because I had an argument with my dad. Which...completely made me laugh, because he told me I couldn't get a ride to my boyfriend's apartment, or from. Said I could take the bus. Being Sunday, the bus schedule sucks - however, it was a pleasant day and I coordinated with my boyfriend to meet at a corner that's probably about the same distance from my house and his mother's house, so we walked together. Then later at night, I sent my parents texts asking for a ride. Buses don't go by his house past six pm.

Nothin'

So, basically I spent the night at my boyfriend's apartment ... as punishment.
That's pretty amusing, isn't it?

I've complained before about my parents trying to control my spending the night with my boyfriend; I'm 20 and in a long term committed relationship...but when it's used as a threat? lol, it was a win-win scenerio. If they gave me a ride, I'd win. If they don't? Then I spend all night snuggling with more pleasant company.

My boyfriend was also very sweet today, called himself a bad boyfriend. We talked a little, and I'm feeling much better now. Hm... Oh, I never mentioned we had a fight.

There's a girl at this nerd meet-up thing.

The TINIEST woman I've ever seen in my life. I mentioned the asian girl, right? Yes.

Yeah, I went with him Friday.

She was...gorgeous, and so fucking tiny. She was short, but skinny. Super skinny. She was dressed in baggy clothes, but I damn near dropped dead when I saw her get out of her car. She must be 70lbs..Hell, given how short she was, maybe less. I was so discouraged I cried about it later. I didn't even start the fight with him, though, after I asked if we could leave. I was... unresponsive. He got frustrated. I was probably talking about how tiny she was a lot, and he told me to stop. We got some chinese food. Chicken and broccoli shouldn't be that greasy...but I ate all of it. God, I've probably been on a binge since Friday night.

Things are calming down. Usually a thin woman is thinspo. and it's true, while I was at that nerd meet-up I didn't eat a damn thing. The moment I left though... Well, I had reeses cups in my purse.

I managed to give some to my boyfriend, and I only had five with me. It started slow. I might have had two.
but yeah..it peaked Saturday.

She was sooo discouraging. I KNEW that I could never be as pretty as her. I knew my boyfriend would be seeing her every Friday night. I know he thinks she's pretty. and I KNOW that I would die long before I ever got to looking like her. It's Just. Not. Fair. I started to think about how ceasing to exist wouldn't be so bad. She put my mind in the absolutely worst place. You know what her name was? Grace. Unattainable Grace. She had such tiny fingers too, picking apart that scone. Scones are tastey, but they're not safe. She ate it like she had no appetite, like it was just food, and didn't matter at all.

The best I can do is going without.
but if I get it...
I inhale it. I lust for it.

It just wasn't fair. I wanted to die. I really wanted to die.

.............

Anyways, I keep daydreaming about two things...moving in with my boyfriend, and an elliptical. Hmm.. Both are probably easily attainable, but getting a job and moving scare me.

Okay, to make this entry worthwhile, I'll post a little elliptical thinspo.

Sorry if the entry has been scattered.



Oh, PS: My thinspo video has 102 views ^_^ That's some win in an ocean of fail.