thanks, some depressing stuff and some thinspo links.

85 followers. I'm pretty impressed with myself.

I want to thank Lyla Unleashed, xthinforever, and sadhanna for their comments on my blog about my childhood friend...
I really needed some input.

xthinforever, though - he wasn't obsessed with little girls. I don't know how it came off like that. I meant to say that when we were in middle school, like seven years ago, he'd talk about girls. Not *little* girls. I mean he was an adolescent boy and we'd talk about stuff like that. I believe the bit about high compulsiveness. That makes perfect sense.

And thanks to Lyla and Sadhanna for your stories. I would love to believe he's innocent, but I don't know enough about what happened to say for sure. I know he pleaded guilty, that's what the article said. and I don't know how to get in contact with him.

Funny thing is, just yesterday I was visiting my beau's nerd group, which apparently is across the street from some sort of half-way house for sex-offenders. It was weird, all I could think was that in a few years, my friend might be in that very spot.

Thinking about what happened to this friend made me think about spontaneous human combustion. Don't know how well I can explain it, but it's like... with spontaneous human combustion, if it's real, someone just experiences some sudden molecular mutation and bursts into flames out of nowhere. It's like poof - they're on fire. There's no reason something like that should happen. It's not in the nature of humans to burst into flames. It's unpredictable and extremely unlikely, but all the sudden someone's reduced to a pile of ashes before they had the chance to realize what happened. In a way, that's what happened to this friend, as far as I could tell. No one could have seen this coming. It's just sudden, and extreme, and before you know it so much is fucked up...

Anyways... I'm in the basement of my boyfriend's mother's house on my laptop. I don't really like being at his mother's house; apart from the wifi there's nothing we really do here. We don't really snuggle. It's really more like he sits on his computer and I sit at the laptop. We occasionally talk. Today he wants me to blog while he cleans the upstairs room. Not this blog of course... He wants me to work on a blog we started together. It's promising actually. We got like thirty-something hits after the first entry.

I've been eating far too much lately. Even my dad said I was eating too many brownies. That's just...traumatic coming from him. I'm ashamed to admit all this. I think I've gained a few pounds, but it's hard to tell because I'm less than a week away from my period and I'm sure I must be bloated. I really am disgusted with myself though.. I've been trying to work out, burn the calories off - but the way I'm eating makes me sick. I need help. I could go back to the way I was calorie counting before, but it just wasn't working anymore. It was always like I was watching the numbers go higher and higher and I couldn't stop myself.

I wish I just didn't *want* the food. As much as I try to brainwash myself, it doesn't always work. At this very moment I can still feel that brownie sitting in my stomach, dissolving, turning into my side-fat. By the way, my love handles are bigger than my breasts. I'm repulsive...I hate my body.

Sometimes I look in the mirror, and I just want to cry. That's what happened last night. I took off my shirt in the mirror. I have a muffin top. and I looked at myself, and pinched it, and I wanted to cry. and I started to feel like I was going to. Because I feel like I'm never going to be thin. I also realized I'm even uglier when I cry.

It's been so damn long since I've lost weight. I can't even express it. I mean, yeah, I lost two pounds camping - but I gained it right back. For a moment the other day I was 127 on the scale. but now I'm back to 130. maybe 131. The same I was at the beginning of the summer. All the changes that have been made, it's been up and down in a small margin and I hate myself.

How can my boyfriend even pretend to be attracted to me? I know there's a billion other women in the world he finds more attractive than me.

I am one of those fat, pathetic, unattractive weepy girls no one feels sorry for. That you just instinctively know are wrong and worthless. I could disappear tomorrow and the world would be a slightly more beautiful place.

I have this habit of grabbing at my fatty parts without even thinking about it. I'll be sitting in a meeting for my group and be pinching my gut under my shirt.

Anyways, I keep thinking I don't deserve to be thin. It's just not going to happen. I can't get under 130lbs. Or at least I can't stay there. I should be 123. Seems like an odd number, but in my blog about body frame size I figured out that's the bottom of my healthy range. I would look good at that weight. After that I Guess I'd want to be 120. After that I'd want to see if I could be under 120. By then I think I'd be technically underweight - which would also be interesting. Point is by the time I got to 123, I bet there wouldn't be so damn much of me to grab. I make myself sick.

Anyways, I'm wearing a six 9 jeans, and they're loose on me. This is of more significance to me than you, because my sizing has always been weird. It's my thick legs... but I want to go shopping sometime and try on sizes until I find the smallest I can fit into. I would *love* that. I'd like to lose a few more pounds first, though.

I need a job. I really do. I need about $1000 to afford to go to school this semester. I have transportation issues though. I'd pretty much have to find a job on my bus route. I say my bus, because it goes right by my house fairly regularly, and it's fairly versatile too. Technically I could also walk ten or fifteen minutes to the bus-stop that goes to the mall. That's a good bus. Always so crowded, though.

I want to work in retail. I so desperately need clothes, you have no idea. My parents say I don't because I have so many lying around, but most don't fit or are ripped or stained and I just don't know what to do with all my stuff. I know I need to do something. I need help. I need guidance. Nothing my parents have EVER been good at.

Friends could help, but I don't have any friends. Maybe I should clean.

But if I cleaned, my parents would get all sarcastic with me. It fucking pisses me off..

I'm to the point where I'm just ranting. I need to find direction or end the post.

Or...I have a better idea.

bonish-thinspo7
ivala-thinspo
iamgettingby
Those three xangas contain SOOOO much thinspo.

I know what I want to do next, though. I want to ask some of my facebook friends if I can post their personal pics. A few of my ana facebook friends just look fucking spectacular and I'm so jealous. D:

My Facebook


I just like this pic. It came out of a facebook friend's album, it's an MK thinspo.
I looove MK.
but this pic really stands out to me because I always feel like the girl on the right. I have pics that remind me of this.

Gay pride march - fun and a good workout!

Marched in a gay pride parade today with my boyfriend. It was really really fun. :D I've never been to one before - lol, it's the sort of thing my parents wouldn't want to take me to. Anyways, there was some thinspo there. Some tiny Roller Derby girls and a bunch of skinny high school girls that I *think* might only have been there for the opportunity to dress in rainbow tights and dance to techno. That's okay, too, I guess. lol - especially since my beau and I weren't stuck behind them at any point.

Anyways, yeah - a buckload of walking. A weird artichoke sandwich from a coffee shop (gotta try new things, right?) that I picked apart after I learned I didn't much care for artichokes. I thought it was some sort of mutant rotting lettuce until a friend verified it's identity. lol - fun.

Anyways, what else did I have to say? I guess nothing much has changed. Wore shorts today. I didn't feel too hideous - it was cute from the right angles... chunky from others. I guess I might have looked svelte in comparison to the drag queens. Bless'em.

Some of my boyfriend's evangelist friends were there protesting. lol - no one payed much attention to them - not nearly as many people argued as I might have expected. Not even my beau - which was pleasant. He did however insist on saying hello. That was okay, though. There were some witty bits of conversation, though. At least funny.

Evangelist: "Name one natural part of gay sex"
My beau: "Ejaculation."

Friend: "You're message is really ineffective"
Evangelist: "I preach - I get my message out the way god wants me to"
Friend: "I guess your God wants you to be ineffective"

*girl standing with sign that says something about former homosexuals being saved*
Friend: "You'd be having a lot more fun with us"

Yeah, it was great.

Okay. I don't know if that's too many details, especially with the pic. We'll see, won't we?

and since I didn't even mention the pic, yes, that's me and my thick legs. Looks better than in another pic - I was going to post them both to demonstrate how chubby they could look in a different position - but my boyfriend wouldn't send it to me because he worries about how pics affect my self esteem.

I made a thinspo video!

The following is text from the more info side-bar.

Why yellow? It's a motivating color.

I'm very pleased with the way this came out. The music is entrancing, isn't it? It's a remix of a song called "figure" by a band named Core, and it's creative commons. http://www.archive.org/details/exp042 It's found here.

not all of the girls are typical thinspo, but I got on a roll, what can I say? They're all beautiful.

Want the images? I uploaded them to a site in a zip folder, I hope the link works for you :) let me know!

http://uploading.com/files/H8NLJ6UB/yellow.zip.html

Failure...

I've been failing a lot lately. I think it's stress. It must be... There's a lot to be stressed about. My financial aid, my menopausal mother and probably bi-polar father, my grades...and my fat ass.

I've gained two pounds by the way. I'm hoping that's just water weight because I'm expecting my period in a little over a week. I'm just not losing anymore, though. I haven't lost in ages. I know why, too. I haven't had any self control.

I TRY to have control over myself...but I'm such a glutton sometimes. I made this blog to make me feel stronger, to inspire myself. Lately it's just a stark reminder of my failure. I feel like I've been neglecting it. I've gotten very discouraged.

That's why I'm thinking of taking a different approach for now. My boyfriend is back, but while he was gone I was exercising and it made me feel amazing. It always does. I'm thinking of just upping my calorie limit and filling my diet with healthier items and exercising more. If I can. Obviously I won't eat so much when I can't exercise. But I figure if I eat more healthy things I won't binge so much. I ate a thousand calories with my boyfriend today. I'm ashamed to say that. ONE THOUSAND. That's so much! I mean, it was over a fairly long period of time, but seven hours of stuffing my face with cheese curls and cookies and a sandwich made with white bread??! I drank some water, it just made me feel sick. Got in an hour of light exercise tonight, though, when I got home....

I'm glad he's back though. Even if he's bad for me, physically. I could tell he'd missed me too, which made me feel better about the fact that he'd abandoned me this weekend. We snuggled and watched Logan's Run and Hollywood Homicide. Except for the copious amounts of garbage I shoveled down my greedy throat, it was a good night.

I can say, however, that I'm happy that that much food made me sick. It'll teach me a lesson. About what being a worthless cow brings you. . . a bloated nasty midsection.

I have a sensitive stomach, why do I do this to myself?

Just to end this on a more positive note...some kickass thinspo. I need to look at more thinspo.






^seriously kickass chick ^_^

I hope you girls are doing amazingly. I'll be checking up on your blogs tomorrow. Right now, it's four thirty in the morning. (-_-) < Zzzz)

beautiful things, twisted

Something's been stuck in my mind since a conversation with my boyfriend on the bus.
I made a face at him, and when he said "please stop," I teasingly accused him of saying I wasn't pretty. He then went on to say something along the lines of "the most disturbing things are just beautiful things, twisted." My mind went straight to blogging that. lol. I guess you girls can interpret that however you want, it's just so awesome I had to post it.

I guess that's true. It also transitions into a rant I've been wanting to have for a while now. Photoshopped thinspo.
Ugh.

I've seen them on actual thinspirational sites, and they're always the kind of pictures you see that come up in the news when someone decides it's a slow week and they want to prod the mentally ill on TV. The media always tries to dehumanize these girls and scare people. I mean, we all know anorexia is bad, but it's a mental illness, it doesn't make us circus freaks.

But I digress. Girls, you should never get your thinspo from worth1000.com








Know quality when you see it.

Until next time, ladies