Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Update and explanations

Is anyone out there?

It's been a year and a half since my last entry.

I'm fat. Actual weight non-applicable. But... it's up there.

For a while I was fat and happy. I mean, a bit embarrassed around people I haven't seen in a while, but generally pretty happy. I have a lot of good in my life. Lots of stress, but honestly, I'm not that far-gone. I live in an apartment with my boyfriend now. That's a massive improvement in my well-being. I've only been here a couple months, though.

I'm trying to lose weight again. I'm trying not to get carried away.

I'm using a calorie-counting app called "MyFitnessPal" ... I actually really love it. It gives you nutritional information and gives you the option to track measurements as well as weight. It's pretty much impossible to get enough potassium, I think.

I've got it set to lose a pound a week. That seems so goddamn slow. At my weight. It will take me months to get down to an okay weight. This week I've been going over frequently, too. I think that's got to do with my period.

I'm trying to eat light most of the day and have most of my calories in a meal with my beau. Often when I go over it's because my beau wants to drink in the evening. It's hard to resist.

I've been utterly avoiding this blog. I won't make any promises to commit to it now. I just really need inspiration. I'm sorry for being such a disappointment, although I'm sure you've all given up on me. Which is okay, honestly. I'm a terribly unreliable pro-ana blogger. I can't even call myself that anymore.

It occurs to me after a brief overview of my last posts that I never really addressed what caused this weight gain. I thought that I had.

In April 2012, I was assaulted in my neighborhood. I didn't know the people. There were maybe 7 in total, and I was hit by two people. A man hit me on the side of my head, and a woman hit me in my abdomen. It was over quickly. I was in a gas station parking lot, wisely deciding not to walk down the street with the sketchy people, and I screamed. They ran away. They got nothing. It could have been sooo much worse. I was too freaked out and shaky to talk to police. Thinking about it was upsetting.

This incident was really terrible for my mental state. I was NOT okay with walking that route home anymore, despite having done so hundreds of times at night with no problems. I ended up relying on my father for a ride every night. Towards the end of my living at home, he was getting very fickle. Sometimes he would just refuse. I'm grateful of course for the rides, but you would swear the five minute drive was the most self-sacrificing act someone could preform by the way he seemed to act. I think the real reason that he did it was because it gave him leverage. If he got angry with me, he'd just say "fuck you, bitch" and tell me to walk, no matter what the weather.

I could not get over the anxiety from that event for a very very long time. I guess I'm still not over it, but for the next year I was looking over my shoulder every minute and I couldn't be out at night anywhere. I couldn't be alone. Starting last semester, I started having panic attacks - a problem I wasn't having before, and thankfully since I've moved out they've subsided.

After the assault, I was isolated and dependent on my parents. Which is horrible. I started eating a lot. So I've gained a lot. It really was triggered by depression. I couldn't focus and I couldn't make myself exercise. I was scared when I put earbuds in because I wouldn't be able to hear someone coming.

I know I don't have the worst parents in the world, but my house is a dark and depressing place. My dad is verbally abusive, and my mother never has anything nice to say about anyone. All I had at home was TV and the dog.  My parents both lie constantly, and when they're not lying, they're complaining about one another in ways no one wants to hear. And when I went to my boyfriend's mother's house, we were up in his room being quiet. I pretty vegetated. Stagnated.

So now I have a little room to breath. I was pretty happy. I still am, really. Life got a lot better. But something someone said was the final straw and now I'm back to losing weight.

At the moment the biggest hinderence in weight loss since moving is alcohol. I'm not a drunk or anything, but one shot of everclear (1.5 oz, normally consumed in a diet soda), contains nearly 300 calories. It's a lot of alcohol for the calories, but... um... yeah. That's more calories than I can afford.

Thanks for reading.
As usual, your thoughts are very welcome.

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