Saturday, November 14, 2009
I need guidance.
I'm a wannarexic. I must be. I don't really like that word, except when I do.
Thing is, I hate my body and I hate what I eat, but I still eat like this and I still neglect my body...so...what does that make me but a wannarexic?
People with eating disorders tend to be sensitive, motivated people.
I may be sensitive, but I'm not motivated by any regard. Sometimes I go through phases of motivation in certain areas of my life, like this recent school-oriented tendency of mine, but despite this occasional motivation I'm nothing but a wannabe.
My ambitions are lost. I can't make myself do this, and maybe all it takes is a little more free time but I don't have it. The holidays are more or less here. What do I do?
It might end up that I simply won't have a Thanksgiving.
Personal reasons for that. Not ED related. Not that I even have an ED, just some sort of self image issue based on my being... what exactly... lazy, fat, emotionally abused and being with someone who doesn't make me his ideal?
Yeah, all that sucks but it's not in and of itself a mental disorder. I know I have at least a few dysfunctions.
I don't know what I'm thinking or what I'm doing anymore.
I've still only been to the gym once. I've eaten so much junk today.
There's this welches stuff sitting in a cup next to me. It's got more calories than whole milk and it's sooo sweet it makes me a little sick, but I'm still drinking it. There's other ways of getting vitamin C... There's no reason that I would need it.
I don't know how to explain this behavior and it would seem like to stop it I would just have to stop everything, and I can't afford to do that right now. Calories can't be my focus, I just don't have the mental energy for this.
My weight loss focus has to be self motivated, it's not just in my head. That means I don't have an eating disorder.
So why the hell do I have a proana blog?
Maybe I should just stop it, because I do it to keep myself motivated and organize my thoughts. and isn't that wrong? Isn't that something I should be organized against? Aren't I just being exactly what every real ana girl hates?
I hate myself too.
I don't deserve you guys and I don't know what to do with myself.
Do they have a name for this?
I'm a psychology major, maybe I should make one.
Or am I just looking for validation?
I need guidance.
Tell me what a worthless ass I'm being.
Tell me I should take my fatass off the web and stop being what I hate.
Tell me to just stop being a whiney little attention whore, because that's all I've ever been.
Just because I was born to be ugly, with a complete lack of motivation. I'm retarded or something. I have no sense of lucidity in my surroundings, nothing ever feels real and I can never seem to grasp anything firmly. I follow a path absent mindedly until it ends, then I get lost.
Does that even make sense?
I need so much structure in my life to keep myself grounded. I guess right now I'm more or less running on empty with my schoolwork.
I don't know exactly what do do from here.
I guess I dump the rest of this nasty juice and try to stay away from the kitchen.
At least that's five minutes I can avoid things I really don't need.
Admittedly some of my neglect can be attributed to a pregnancy scare, but there was no real reason to suspect I might be pregnant.
...Yeah. I'm going offline for the night. love you girls, I really do. I'm sorry I'm such a failure.