Friday, November 19, 2010
I'm doing horribly this semester.
I'm at my low weight, but I'm scared I'm going to gain because frankly just about everything has changed for the worst in that regard.
I feel so sick. I don't want to get sick.
I have to see a doctor and I haven't had a flu shot.
I missed every Spanish class this week. I'm 90% sure I'm going to fail.
I'm 99% sure I'll fail my other morning class, because I have an adversary. Some horrible chick who dominates the group and is ostracizing me because I wasn't there for the planning stages of the project - which is like 3 classes - even though I'm trying to catch up.
I'm almost certainly going to have to go over her head on this one. I am reading a lot into her behavior, but there's just this oboxiously stuck-up vibe I get from her. Her body language too - won't look at me, won't address me directly.
I'm going to have to fight every second of this semester and I'm terrified of this. That chick should really get hit by a train or something.
This semester is awful. I have almost no shot. I'm scared. F*cking scared. I just want to pause everything, and go escape reality for an undetermined amount of time. Maybe during this escape whatseruglyface will get hit by that train. That would be fantastic. The world pauses, but she still gets hit by a train.
Fail fail fucking failure.
I swear, nothing hurts more than trying and failing.
NO ONE BELIEVES I'M TRYING
That hurts too. I can't get out of bed in the morning. I miss my buses. I curse myself, I curse the buses, I cry - nothing comes of it. And of course I'm too fucking scared to talk to my professors. I don't have anything to say to them. Maybe a psychology professor would understand that I can't get out of bed in the morning but that's so damn personal. I'm terrified of talking to people, and of conflict. I don't want to cry in someone's office. I don't want to get bitched at for not trying hard enough.
I fucking hate self pity, but I can't get a grip on myself. I've felt violent urges several times this semester. It's stress. I haven't hurt anyone, but I fucking dare someone to talk to me in a state like that.
I'm so fucking stuck in the middle of everything. I can't do anything right. Everything is against the grain.
I'm fucking terrified
and I'm sorry for the swearing. I swear a lot lately. I don't like it either.