Saturday, April 18, 2009

I really want to thank the girls who commented on my last blog. Things are still chaotic. I have one paper and the make-up test out of the way. Neither of them are worth being particularly confident about.

This week has been chaotic. My mother is worse than usual. My dad said...he wants to talk about her...which can't be good. I don't know what it means, I'm hoping that conversation will just slip through the cracks of the everyday.

My mother is INSANE though. She does things just to upset me. That's not kidding. She's emotionally sadistic. She does and says things to make me cry, then responds to everything I say with this ridiculously condescending, cold, arrogant tone. The kind of tone that's so uncaring and full of shit that makes you want to punch someone in the face. Do you know what I mean? I can't really get into detail...

I went out with my beau, today, though. He's my escape. Even though we had a big fight just yesterday. Something he said about my paper, which was mean. I'm never letting him read a paper for my philosophy class again. My paper WAS kind of lame, but he made me feel more like an idiot than an underachiever. So I reacted a little...tugged a news paper away from him. That got HIM in a huff. So we went to the bus together..and we sat down.

He says: "Why are you sitting next to me?"

That was REALLY cold and mean. So I went to the back and cried the entire ride. When it came time to get off the bus, I was a wreck. I wanted to go home, but I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to go with him, either, but I did anyways. We made up. He says he didn't mean it like that. I felt so abused, though. I wasn't even really upset about the paper, but the thing on the bus was just so wrong. He got nicer later...not really nice, he was still arguing with me. He just doesn't know when to let something go. He's oblivious. So the last couple days, I've just been sobbing and upset between my mother and my father and my beau.

It's probably my own fault that that's all I have.

If I had friends that took up some of my time, I think my beau would appreciate me more. But I really can't have friends. I can't handle social responsibility. Besides, I have no mode of transportation except my mother and I get lost taking the bus without my beau. So, I really couldn't have friends anyway.

Today would have been a really nice day calorie wise...but I ate a cookie. A GIANT cookie. A huge square piece of one of those cookie-brownie monsters, you know what I mean? I counted it as like a thousand calories. I'm hoping it's a big overestimation, because I didn't eat the whole thing. That was really weak. What's more, it was my idea. That was REALLY weak. -_- I'm quite disappointed in myself. It made me sick to my stomach. Which just means I won't eat anything else today, which is good.

Someone gave me a tomato today. Was pretty random. But I my beau and I ate it raw, like an apple, but sloppier. and it was really refreshing and yummy. slurp slurp. a tomato is apparently like 25 calories, too. I recommend. I don't recommend the delicious giant cookie-brownie evil thing.

Anyways, to top of this awful week, I have to do a paper that was due last week by Monday, and I'm sick, and probably getting my beau sick. Because I need to be touching him, constantly. If he's in the room, I have to be touching him, or my head will explode. I hate being sick. I guess that's normal. It started off as a sore throat, and evolved into stuffy sinuses and a runny nose, exacerbated by crying.

Except for the cookie incident, my eating is back to normal. It must have been PMS. That's something. Only one more paper left. I need the tax information by May 1st that's a financial aid deadline in NY for TAP. I don't have high hopes. :( I think it can be filed late, but everything is late ENOUGH. My dad is so mother is so sadistic.

My boyfriend and my ED are all I have that I can count on. You wouldn't believe how frightening the thought of losing him is. He knows it, too, but I wish he could appreciate me HALF as much as I appreciate him. I REALLY feel like that isn't the case most of the time.


  1. I'm sorry things are still rough. Take it easy.

    My boyfriend LOVES blondies (the cookie thing) but I hate them. Cookies shouldn't be shaped like brownies. It's unsettling! haha.

    Speaking of boyfriends, why are they so abusive?! Is it because we are so vulnerable that they take advantage of it? I don't know but I'm getting sick of my boyfriend pushing me around and emotionally victimizing me and I hate that my blogger girls are getting ripped into tiny pieces by the guys they adore. It's tricky because I would never leave my boyfriend, I just want him to be nice. Anyway, I empathize with you more than you can imagine. All my affection!!!

  2. i love your blog. you help keep us trong!

  3. I did that with fast food yesterday. It was terrible 3:

    Most boys don't understand. You'll be fine, bb. I hope everything gets better for you.

    And don't worry, you'll do better tomorrow. I hope things start going better, love ♥


    Kidding, kidding.

  5. Omg, that is just what my boy is like. I just think sometimes they don't understand, that gets me even more upset.

    I think they just don't realise at all, it's not that they don't care, they're just.. as you said, oblivious :(

    I hope you feel better xox

  6. I could have written this.

    With the crazy mother, the father who can't take it much longer, and the boyfriend who makes you feel like an idiot with his "intelligence..."

    ...are you sure you aren't me???

    Stay strong. Things will get better.

  7. Oh hun... stay strong. K? xxxx

  8. =O
    he sounds mean and i think he was acting pretty immature. maybe hes just in a bad mood?

    and i completely understand about your mom. with my mom its hard to explain too just because of the sneaky kind of evil she is.
    and i laughed SO hard when you called her sadistic. that seems like the perfect word. haha

    stay strong girl, i know you can get through the bullshit to the better days.

    XOXO Sophia Ruins <3

  9. Dump him! Don't let any man treat you like that! You are worth so much more! Everything will be ok, we all have our moments of weakness but we also have moments of great strength. Keep your chin up! Look to us for support and I know you'll find it.
    xoxo Stay strong, think thin.