I really want to thank the girls who commented on my last blog. Things are still chaotic. I have one paper and the make-up test out of the way. Neither of them are worth being particularly confident about.
This week has been chaotic. My mother is worse than usual. My dad said...he wants to talk about her...which can't be good. I don't know what it means, I'm hoping that conversation will just slip through the cracks of the everyday.
My mother is INSANE though. She does things just to upset me. That's not kidding. She's emotionally sadistic. She does and says things to make me cry, then responds to everything I say with this ridiculously condescending, cold, arrogant tone. The kind of tone that's so uncaring and full of shit that makes you want to punch someone in the face. Do you know what I mean? I can't really get into detail...
I went out with my beau, today, though. He's my escape. Even though we had a big fight just yesterday. Something he said about my paper, which was mean. I'm never letting him read a paper for my philosophy class again. My paper WAS kind of lame, but he made me feel more like an idiot than an underachiever. So I reacted a little...tugged a news paper away from him. That got HIM in a huff. So we went to the bus together..and we sat down.
He says: "Why are you sitting next to me?"
That was REALLY cold and mean. So I went to the back and cried the entire ride. When it came time to get off the bus, I was a wreck. I wanted to go home, but I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to go with him, either, but I did anyways. We made up. He says he didn't mean it like that. I felt so abused, though. I wasn't even really upset about the paper, but the thing on the bus was just so wrong. He got nicer later...not really nice, he was still arguing with me. He just doesn't know when to let something go. He's oblivious. So the last couple days, I've just been sobbing and upset between my mother and my father and my beau.
It's probably my own fault that that's all I have.
If I had friends that took up some of my time, I think my beau would appreciate me more. But I really can't have friends. I can't handle social responsibility. Besides, I have no mode of transportation except my mother and I get lost taking the bus without my beau. So, I really couldn't have friends anyway.
Today would have been a really nice day calorie wise...but I ate a cookie. A GIANT cookie. A huge square piece of one of those cookie-brownie monsters, you know what I mean? I counted it as like a thousand calories. I'm hoping it's a big overestimation, because I didn't eat the whole thing. That was really weak. What's more, it was my idea. That was REALLY weak. -_- I'm quite disappointed in myself. It made me sick to my stomach. Which just means I won't eat anything else today, which is good.
Someone gave me a tomato today. Was pretty random. But I my beau and I ate it raw, like an apple, but sloppier. and it was really refreshing and yummy. slurp slurp. a tomato is apparently like 25 calories, too. I recommend. I don't recommend the delicious giant cookie-brownie evil thing.
Anyways, to top of this awful week, I have to do a paper that was due last week by Monday, and I'm sick, and probably getting my beau sick. Because I need to be touching him, constantly. If he's in the room, I have to be touching him, or my head will explode. I hate being sick. I guess that's normal. It started off as a sore throat, and evolved into stuffy sinuses and a runny nose, exacerbated by crying.
Except for the cookie incident, my eating is back to normal. It must have been PMS. That's something. Only one more paper left. I need the tax information by May 1st that's a financial aid deadline in NY for TAP. I don't have high hopes. :( I think it can be filed late, but everything is late ENOUGH. My dad is so worthless...my mother is so sadistic.
My boyfriend and my ED are all I have that I can count on. You wouldn't believe how frightening the thought of losing him is. He knows it, too, but I wish he could appreciate me HALF as much as I appreciate him. I REALLY feel like that isn't the case most of the time.