Friday, March 23, 2012

Status: Surprisingly motivated

The weather is warming up, and so is my brain. My motivation is coming back.

I still make one big mistake every day. Which is weird, isn't it? Why?

And why do I act like drinking a liter of water will fix that?

Anyway... I'm not going to tell you my current weight. I guess I stopped doing that a long time ago. I weigh too much, though.


It's amazing how much better about myself makeup makes me feel. I feel like I'm not hideous. This makes life in my own skin a little more bearable. Plus, it's fun.


I shouldn't stay up as late as I do. I start having weird thoughts.

I mean, apart from the binge-eating. I did eat ice-cream tonight. With m&ms.

I've been doing better with that lately, though. I didn't eat that, as well as an entire dinner, with a bowl of popcorn, a glass of sugary juice, and whatever else I could cram in my gullet.

Night binging has always been a big problem for me. But the past few days, I've been doing better.

Anyway, my strange thoughts. Right now I'm obsessively staring at the twitter account of a boy I made out with once in high school. We had a weird relationship for a long time. I won't follow him on twitter - because I don't want him to think I care. We have no relationship now.

Except that I look at every damn thing he does that I can find online.

I have the strangest thoughts about him. I've probably written about it before, it comes and goes.

I was so into him. Sometimes I wish we could be friends, but I won't try. Usually I'm afraid that if I were in a small enough radius of him, I might end up hurting him.

Turns out a guy I know from one of my boyfriend's circles of friends is a current friend with this aforementioned boy. Close enough that I wonder if they might one day show up together.

I have no idea how I would react.

I could have a panic attack. I could attack him. I might be pleasantly surprised and feel nothing! Or, I'll have a giggle fit that will embarrass the fuck out of me.

Seriously, though. I'm not exaggerating. I wish I were. Nothing he has ever done would warrant my having any sentiment for him whatsoever five years after graduating high school. Especially not when I'm in a happy relationship.

But if I saw him, I'm pretty certain I would freak the fuck out in one way or another.

This isn't rational. I want to purge my brain of my feelings about him. Whatever they are.


Other night-thoughts I've had?

-I was obviously a princess in a past life.
-I look like a French person
-I should pluck my armpit hair with my eyebrow tweezers
-I need to disinfect EVERYTHING (I probably do...)
-I realized the freckles on my shoulders are sun damage
-The Jersey Shore is an okay show... Snooki sure likes pickles!
-I'll be attacked my demons if I don't cover the back of my neck.

Oh. and I shop. I shop online.

and send an animated gif of a raptor on a stripper pole to one of my boyfriend's friends.

and send awkward insecure messages to someone who's pretty much a stranger because I wonder how well I'm making friends. I come off as sooo pathetic sometimes. I'll probably never speak to him again.

I did manage to resist sending the boy from high school a message. and I resisted following his account.
I seriously considered making a new account to say something creepy to him. I resisted that too. Too crazy! ...for tonight

So there's that for self-restraint - and I can go to bed with that accomplishment.

Even if I'm totally going to continue my mild form of stalking.

Yeah, I can't not sound crazy. Maybe someone out there understands....

I love you girls. Even if I suck at updating my blog.

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