Tuesday, February 9, 2010
I had this little fluke of social skills going for me. Which is good - - - but I think it's coming to an end. Which is okay, too, because it seems like I can fake it sometimes too.
One of my boyfriend's friends very rudely told me to 'shut the fuck up' the other day. I ... literally shrunk down. Sat on the floor. Hid behind a desk.
Why am I like this? I'm so awkward
My numbers have been good. For the first time in a long time I measured my waist yesterday and it was under 26 inches. Just barely.
Fought with my boyfriend today. I criticized a woman in the newspaper and he insisted on reading the article. Defending her? Why? He had no interest in her. She was just pretty. That's all.
I was mad because I felt like he was only doing that to punish me.
I followed him pretty far before he said he said "I think we'd both be happier if you went home"
I figured he didn't really expect me to do that. It seemed like a power play. Like a ... "my way or the highway" kind of thing. And he gets what he wants a lot. I don't want to be taken advantage of.
So I went home. He got no sympathy or affection. I just got off at an awkward bus stop and walked home in the dark and cold. A little storm cloud over my head.
Did I mention this fight was in transit?
This fight was in transit.
So I had to go home to my parents and act like I wasn't upset.
But I'm pretty sure they could see the storm cloud.
I don't know what to do. I never know what to do. I just want to hide.
I wanted him to tell me he didn't mean it, and to ask me to come home with him. Instead when I said I didn't want to go home, he handed me pity and said come on then... or something like that.
But why the hell should I have to force myself on him?? He doesn't deserve me unless he wants me.
But now I'm sitting at home, alone, cold... feeling worthless and empty. and angry.
Maybe he's finally starting to catch up with his friends and realizing I'm just useless.
It may seem like I'm reading a lot into this, but I need him to come to me so I know he actually thinks I'm worth something.
Because I feel so unimportant right now.