11 november sleepy brain.

Hello Pretty Ones.
Sorry I didn't update :(
awesome video, embedding disabled
This video is lovely.
I love thinspo with tATu... I love tATu in general. All their songs are perfect, the girls are perfect, and the beat is always there.


When I take a nap in school (I commute...a couple hours between classes now and again) I put tatu in my headphones. Their songs keep me in the moment. Keep distractions at bay.

I've been pretty distracted this semester. 19 credits, which is a lot, especially considering how hard all my classes are. Taking fewer next semester, but it's fairly important I do somewhat well this time around too.

Really planning on working on that weight I put on.
but I need to focus on my grades
I can't afford to lose everything now.
Literally.

three exams this week, and I don't know what I'm doing
two next week.
and a paper.
D:
I'm really looking forward to a break

I need to sleep...
My thoughts are like this entry.
segmented and short.
empty.

Thinspo isn't working on me lately.
I'm too unmotivated.
Sometimes it works a little.
Makes me want to go to the gym.
but the gym isn't happening any time soon.
I went...once.
Once. All semester.

I have worked out some at home, though.
Jumping jacks are fantastic, aren't they?
200 Really get you going.

You know what does work for me though?
Cute clothes. Looking good in cute clothes.
I really need new clothes...
Seriously
:(

I'm poor. No luck with the job search.

I'm not commenting enough.
I want a box on my profile that counts comments I write, to shame me into commenting more.

I hope to blog more during Fall Recess. It's short, though.

I give up on thinking for now.

I know, it's been forever

It's been over a month since I've blogged. I'm really surprised, Google analytics tells me my visitors went up in the time I was gone. I wonder why?

I'm sorry it's been so long. I never intended to go a whole month, I didn't think I would. I still feel like I don't have a right to be blogging.

Considering how much I've been eating, I haven't gained much in the past few monthes. Six pounds really isn't a lot. I mean...it's still too much. My boyfriend says he can't notice. But my sides are flabby, my belly is bigger, and my thighs fill my pants too much and rub together when I walk, and it all just makes me feel sooo untouchably repulsive. I really don't deserve 111 followers. You girls are so far above me.

Plus I'm breaking out like crazy and I'm overtired...I just feel miserable.

I stand by my decision to stop counting. Sometimes I still do, but only for meals that seem too big. I more or less know what's safe to eat. I'm not fooled by the salad myth, or granola...I don't overlook dressings. I tried to give up artificial sweeteners. I think that experiment is about over, because I'm waaay oversugarred, and who needs an extra 300 calories in their day?? It's so stupid and awful.

I went away for the weekend and actually ended up gaining a little more. Which is insane, isn't it? I guess that's what happens when you spend a total of 12 hours in a car and two days in meetings or a hotel room. It's my own damn fault though. All that vegan rabbit-food, and I can't get off the flipping mini muffins.

And another confession... I've been saying I need to get to the gym for months now, haven't I? I actually just went yesterday. I've tried getting more exercise at home, exercise is probably the reason I've only gained six pounds...but WOW that day at the gym felt amazing. Holy yeah. I'm not nearly as sore today as I thought I would be either. but yeah, the ellipticals at the gym at my university have cable on them. I watched an entire episode of something engrossing on showtime.

I'm upset though, because I really wanted to be 120 at Halloween.... not 136. 120 wasn't a lofty goal from where I was. Not at all. 16 pounds in a little over 2 days, though? :/ no way in hell.

Anyways, girls...

For now, this little bit of motivation will have to do. Happy Halloween!

My boyfriend's mother has a cardboard catnip scratching box thing... It's in the basement, that's where I am.
At the bottom of that cardboard thing is catnip.
Somehow the cat got the top layer of cardboard off, and is very affectionate at the moment.

lol

Purring up a storm.

No good weight news, except that I'm feeling energetic.
I've returned to counting calories, but less precisely.
I don't feel like going back to the daily plate yet.

I've got some good news about school - I'm not behind on anything! At least not deadline-wise. I don't think I've completely missed any assignments. I'm up for a tough couple weeks, big tests - but I expect I'll actually study for them. I feel ... hopeful. Like I'm not academically worthless.

I do have a rough couple weeks of tests and assignments coming up, though... So I'm going to have to work hard to stop myself from 'self-handicapping' (that was the subject of the last lecture I walked in late to this week. It was like they were talking about me).

I keep considering seeing a counselor. I'm petrified of talking to TAs and professors and that's probably not such a good thing. Actually, you've gotta make an appointment over the phone and that scares me too.

Okay. I've gotta get offline, now. I'll try to make a thinspo or exercise-video post soon.

Youtube cardio and update.

Oooh, thanks to you girls who commented on my last post. natxx and angel of ana, you girls make me blush ^_^

I've been failing, though. Yeah yeah, like that's news. I haven't been to the gym. I've gained a couple pounds. I don't have a 25.5 inch waist. I don't think it's noticeable to anyone but me. Maybe it is. I don't know.

Ooh, story. I drank a two liter of diet 7up a couple days ago. I no longer wonder what laxatives feel like. It wasn't entirely bad, but a little

I've been getting like three hours of sleep a night because I simply don't sleep at night and my days are occupied with school, and my boyfriend, who doesn't like to let me nap because he's convinced that I'll sleep at night if I'm tired enough, but it just doesn't work that way.

My legs are hairy and I can't shave because my skin is irritated. I'm beginning to break out again after a fairly decent length of time of clearer-than-typical skin. So yeah... Uglier than usual.

No news on the job front. Haven't really been trying honestly. I have an excuse now, though. School is time consuming. I'm determined to do well this semester. There's only one class I'm truly concerned about. Science stuff, and I think there are online assignments I'm not doing o_0

I realized there's only 23 graded assignments in all my classes according to the syllabi, so I'm making a checklist with dates and what not. That includes tests and exams and papers. If I so much as turn these assignments in and show up, then I'm almost certainly not going to fail anything this semester. Hell, I might even open the books on my own.

And I'm starting to do interesting things with my hair for school. I've realized that braiding my hair distracts me from the anxiety I feel talking to people, even if it makes me seem like a completely uninvolved narcissist when I'm touching my really-long hair in front of people who are trying to talk to me. Oh well. I don't care what most of them think...

My boyfriend has been aggressive and kind of jerky lately. He's been picking fights. He admits he's been having thoughts about wanting to break up with me, and I think the fights are pushing me away. I don't think we're going to break up. I'd prefer to believe that we're a strong couple who love eachother endlessly and aren't going to be ripped apart for anything. I know that's conceited.. I suppose I'm depending on the fact that he knows I need him.

He says he thinks I'm brainwashing him in the wrong direction; that I'm pointing out beautiful girls and asking him why he's even with me... So now I have to stop telling him he's good-looking so much and tell him I am.

He should know that he's lucky to have me, goddamnit.

He wants us to go to couples counseling. Apparently my school offers it for free to students.
I'm afraid to go though, I'm afraid everyone is going to be against me. I said I'd rather seek counseling alone. And I should - because my fears and problems really do get in the way of my academic success. I can't focus, I can't talk to teachers or TAs or my fellow students... People have talked to me thinking I'm a normal human being before. I freeze and give minimal responses and avoid looking directly at them. That's not healthy. Plus, it's hard to find an entry level job when you're afraid to talk to people.

He's been claiming to be depressed. I told him all the more reason he should seek counseling too. I don't think he's depressed. He decided this after a longer than usual period feeling sad. It's probably stress. Money is a problem for both of us.

My blogs are so lacking in Ana-content lately. I like posting things that you girls can use.



:D This will do for now. She's kind of funny. I just found this - it looks fun. I think I want to do this now...

Yay! I posted something. She's total thinspo, too.

I think I'm going to laugh doing this.

Okay...

Sorry I haven't been writing or commenting. There's a couple reasons.

I've been unsuccessful at everything.
I've got school.
I switched to linux, and now I only use one browser. On windows I have chrome and it was part of my routine to open both firefox and chrome to do both ana and real world things. Now I have to switch and it's a pain in the butt. lol. That's my weakest excuse. Especially since I think it can be remedied.

Anyways. More water. Too tired to pace. Probably why I'm gaining I *want* to sleep :\ I can't... not yet.

Love you girls. I'll comment eventually. I promise.

Right now?

By the end of this week, I'll have dedicated myself to regularly going to the gym.

She is here. She's not as skinny as I thought she was. She's acting obnoxiously adorable. Wearing a tank top and showing cleavage. What is a tiny asian girl like her doing with tits? Forgive my language, but life ain't fair -_- Anyways, she was hula hooping. She's whining to her boyfriend in a pitch only dogs can here. She couldn't finish a bag of popcorn she was sharing. she's got the nerve to ask about chocolate?

I don't hate her. I'm hormonal. Bless my boyfriend for [i assume] intentionally not looking at her. I suspect she was actually trying to get him to look. I hope his humoring my jealousy came across as "you're unappealing" to her.

I hope she goes home before I do.

The past couple days have been depressing calorie-wise. I've been rationalizing my eating with my plans for the gym. Really, I can't wait.

My skin is acting up. I don't really want to be around women. Felt skinny today....but I'm only ruining it for myself.

I think school has given me some much needed structure, but my energy is low and my skin is acting up and my eyes are getting bags under them and I need the gym, it'll help make everything better.

Don't know what else to say. Thanks to you gorgeous girls for reading. 101 now, it's impressive.
I'll make an effort to read and comment tonight while my boyfriend is boring me to tears with his nerdiness. I don't comment enough lately. I've probably said that already - I feel like I'm repeating myself a lot.

House and University

My boyfriend and I have been watching house.
And the thing about House is, every woman on the show shows chest
but they don't have cleavage
they have a minimum of three visible chest ribs (showing above the low cut shirts, I mean. I'm sure there are more).





I've mentioned before that I make a game of counting ribs. I want ribs. It bugs the hell out of me that this is supposed to be sexy though. Seriously, watch an episode sometime, if you're not already familiar with it. I feel confident that every woman on the show has some sort of eating disorder.

Anyways, things have been dramatic with my boyfriend, but I think things are okay for now.

School started and I have structure in my life again.
Once my period ends I'm going to start hitting the gym again.
and then I can get off this awful plateau, and sleep better and maybe stop feeling like a complete horrific failure.

Honestly, the girls around school are stunningly thin. It's a spectacle sometimes. One girl, I saw her walking down the hall. There must have been an inch and a half gap between her thighs as she was walking. Epic thinspo. She made me feel so big.

Okay. I need to drink heaps of water and hit the sack.

unhappy boyfriend, unhappy me.

98 followers. I'm pretty impressed with myself.

I've been avoiding blogging like the plague... I'm disappointed with my performance.

Though I've been keeping with not counting calories, I haven't gained. I feel like it must be right around the corner. Like I'm going to step on the scale and it's going to tell me I'm five pounds heavier than it should.

I'm embarrassed to blog. I haven't lost weight since May. At least nothing I didn't gain back within a couple days. I'm not really even trying anymore, all I'm doing is complaining - and I guess I still have a pretty good excuse for it, I've got money problems, it's really stressful. My parents don't seem to be on good terms. Things have gotten better since my dad got a job - my money problems aren't exactly solved, but he can get my insurance which helps a lot. A Lot. So things are a little better now, but I'm still eating a lot.

I do seem to have relationship problems. My beau and I fought today - and now I feel like he's doing what he's accused me of doing to him a million times before; pushing me away.

He said we have relationship problems and that we're probably codependent and probably something about me not being able to communicate or something like that. That last bit is too typical from him to be left out.

and he said he wouldn't leave me but admitted to feeling sometimes like we're not supposed to be together. He says he gets mad at me when I'm not around.

This conversation actually came after the fight. He was cranky because he missed the bus and I just kept walking towards him, and what he said was that I shouldn't, but I did. So he was mad at me on the phone the walk there. It was a couple miles. I got a little sunburned. I actually got to him about right when the next bus was coming up, so we got on at the same stop and rode together.

Again, he was cranky - and he alternated between yelling at me in public [he would insist that he wasn't yelling, I still say angry loud talking still counts as yelling], and hugging me because I was crying. I hate crying. I especially hate crying in public. I hate being hugged when I know that he's only going to yell at me again when he lets go.

It was a stupid reason to be mad at me. I walked towards him for a few good reasons.
-I didn't want to be stranded
-Walking home and back to the stop would have taken just as long
-I didn't know where we were going or how we'd be getting there
-I wanted to be with him

and he was yelling at me trying to say I was wrong for walking the bus route to get to him because it was a bad plan "transit-wise."
He also yelled at me for never getting places on my own.
He also yelled at me for relying on him to make transit plans. Which, now that I think about it, I kind of did make my own damn transit plans, didn't I?

Lately he's been complaining in ways that refer to things that are a bit too personal, even for an anonymous blog, but things that make me feel like he wishes he had more sexual experiences.
That combined with all the other relationship problems he says we have
It felt like he was breaking up with me. Like...those would be the next words out of his mouth.

They weren't.

My boyfriend is unhappy.
That matters more than my own unhappiness.
He's everything to me. He's everything good in my life.