Got some shocking news about an old friend.

I'm going to start out with a description of my childhood friend. Someone I've know since the third grade. He was always skinny. But a really nice kid... In the fourth grade he didn't come to school with me anymore because they put him in special classes at another school. Again, I don't know why. As far as I know the only thing wrong with him, and I learned this later, was that he had ADHD.

I remember we would talk for a long time outside my house in the winter, because he was a latchkey kid and would rather spend time in the freezing cold talking to a friend than be in the house alone. I don't remember what we talked about anymore. I think he talked about girls a lot. I probably talked about boys. These discussions were in middle school, if I remember correctly. He suddenly came back to school in the seventh grade. I was happy ^_^ In the summer we'd go for walks with other neighborhood friends, and everyone liked him. He was too sweet not to like. He was flirty too. Just part of his personality I guess. He even kissed my cheek once in the seventh grade. That was kind of a big deal, even though I never considered dating him. Nevermind that he was a flirt, probably half my weight at the time, and I never really thought he was serious with his flirting, but I wasn't ready for a boyfriend back then. Plus, my dad would have freaked out. He didn't care much for this friend because he was black. My dad can be a little... anyways, it was always awkward to have to defend my friend to my dad. but my dad is really irrelevant here.

In school, he'd talk to me and sit with me at lunch sometimes. His friends thought I was weird, but he defended me and said I was cool. :) He was a really good friend. We hung out a little on the class trip in the eighth grade - those are the only photos I have of him.

I know what you're thinking by now. You're thinking I found out he's dead or something. No... He's not dead. He's in prison for the next five years.

I wondered about him and I searched his name on google not too long ago, and found a news article dating back to february, stating that he pleaded guilty to molesting two little girls, age 8 and 10. and yes, it was him. The age was right and he has a unique name, and it was in a local newspaper.

Technically they might not have been cousins. My friend called many people his cousin... Basically every friend of the family was a cousin, and his family had tons of friends from church and things like that.

My brain can't even wrap itself around this. I don't think he's a pedophile... If anything it was a crime of convenience. but that doesn't excuse it, and it doesn't really make it much easier to believe.

Posting about my weight seems really stupid and meaningless so I won't bother.
The depth with which this news hit me was profound. It's definitely one of the most disturbing things I've heard.

And to think that one of my closest childhood friends is sitting in prison labeled a child molester is scary and sickening and confusing and conflicting... I can't help but feel awful for him, both scared for him and angry that he fucked up his entire life, and probably the lives of those young girls. I don't know the situation. I can't picture him raping anyone. He was never aggressive. I don't understand what happened. I want to, but I might never see him again.

I just don't know how to feel right now. I've heard what they do to child molesters in prison. and even if they didn't hurt him or something like that, what if prison hardens him? I've never felt sorry for anyone who's hurt a child before....

Some of you probably have no sympathy for him. I understand... I'm extremely conflicted myself. But how do you hate someone you've cared about for more than a decade?

I really want to talk to someone that knew him, at least back in middle school. But I don't know anyone close enough to me, except maybe one friend. But this one friend was raped when she was eight, so I don't want to tell her about this because she might find it even more disturbing than I do.

Thinspo post...

I'm just going to post thinspo. I've been meaning to do this for a while.




















This one is from the facebook group "I want to be a thinspo!" Just saying because it really stuck out to me.



I looove legs like that.



This one might not be completely new, but it's always been one of my favorites. I just don't like the whole scene girl look thing... but her thighs are amazing.









She looks like a doll...






I Want That Skirt!!! <3 So pretty.









Her legs, please.

nothingness

I'm feeling so.. unproductive and unbeautiful. I'm shirking my responsibilities, as a student, a girlfriend, a daughter, and a human being... not to mention as someone who cares about their weight...

Has anyone ever read that children's book, I think it's about this kid who learns what his teacher does after school and how she's a person and all that; but he thought she just sort of ceased to exist when he wasn't in class. Like she was a robot.

That's kind of what I do. When someone doesn't call on me, I go back to my box, the living room, and pace and watch tv and go on the internet and occasionally fuss over the dogs. I don't do housework, I don't have a job, I don't write in my blog like I should be doing at the bare minimum... I fulfill none of my obligations as a human being.

I live a truly pathetic life; that's only slightly less pathetic because I have my boyfriend. He makes me feel like I have some worth...sometimes.

I guess I have nothing real to complain about him... nothing new at least. We had an argument the other night because of some stupid hippy chick who doesn't wear a bra. He says he wasn't looking... We've been through all this before. I think it was gross... but my boyfriend says stupid things. He said he noticed but didn't ogle... I know he looked; but I can accept it as not such a big deal. It's hard to explain what went wrong there... I mean YES, it bothers me that he looked. . .more than once. I believe it wasn't really lust or anything. It was a spectacle. She was fairly (not hugely, but still) large breasted and it was chilly... and she's got huge nipples. So it was waaaay out there.

I said it was gross. He Disagreed. How stupid is my boyfriend?
He was mad at me for being mad at him. I ended up going home early. I didn't really want to.

Today I wanted to forget all about it... but he hurt his back somehow and I couldn't even get the cuddling I wanted and needed because he was in pain. I fussed over him. Looked up stuff online about lower back pain and had him lie on the floor with his feet propped up.

I'm not mad at him; I mean he's a bitch to fight with and he tends to think he's smarter than me..or at least that's the impression I get...but both of those things are to be expected. How you act in an argument is a reflection of your personality; and I generally just let him do all the thinking. Hell, I make him do all the thinking.

It occurs to me that if I weren't addicted to oxytocin (the chemical you emit when you're being affectionate) we probably would have broken up ages ago.

I'm a fetus. I think about that phrase sometimes. It suits me. A womb. warm all the time. never hungry. small. invisible to everyone, but known of and celebrated.

Does that make sense? Just being warm...and thoughtless...not worrying about anything at all.

I don't want to die, I just sometimes wish I were never born.

And when I get like this, it's stressful too. Partly because I know I should be doing things. Like..trying to figure out what the hell is going on with my financial aid. I don't know if I mentioned it. It's because I don't want to think about it. It terrifies me.

I always felt like my worth was my beauty and intelligence. But I don't feel that smart anymore, and I really don't think there's anyone in the world who really finds me beautiful.

-_-







Sometimes I flat out say to my boyfriend "tell me I'm thin and pretty"
I make my boyfriend lie to me.
I'm sick.

I insult myself, but I'm really kind of numb to it. Though I have heaps of things I'm stressed about and heaps of things I don't want to lose, I find that I can't be bothered to do jack shit to help myself.

Updates and Body Frame Size

I learned something while camping for a week. Sorry for the long absence, by the way. I was gone for a week, living in a cabin with no electricity in a park where there are bears. I spent the whole first night thinking I was going to die. o_0 I got over that eventually, though. I didn't see any bears... but other people did. I can't go into too much detail about individuals, but yeah... bears.

Got sooo much exercise though. One day with did a ten mile hike. It took six hours. Granted, there were children there, but there was still six hours of muchly uphill hiking. Wow. I felt amazing. I know what you're thinking though - you're much more impressed with the children. lol, me too. Kids are perfect for stuff like that. A five minute break and they're running laps around the mountain.

I ended up losing two pounds...I think I've gained it back now, though. Which is sad.
I haven't been counting calories.
It's both something I'm kind of proud of and something I'm terrified of.
I didn't think I could do that, but sooner or later I'm going to have to start again. It's just freeing to not do it.
I think I should just avoid things...but I haven't gotten good at that without numbers backing me up. Maybe that's a weakness. Maybe that's something I should be working on? For instance...I just ate four blocks of a Hershey's Giant Bar.

Am I crazy or stupid?

Anyways... Body frame size. I learned in discussion that body frame size can be measured with the size of your wrist. So I googled it and got:
This Page

Women:

* Height under 5'2"
o Small = wrist size less than 5.5"
o Medium = wrist size 5.5" to 5.75"
o Large = wrist size over 5.75"
* Height 5'2" to 5' 5"
o Small = wrist size less than 6"
o Medium = wrist size 6" to 6.25"
o Large = wrist size over 6.25"
* Height over 5' 5"
o Small = wrist size less than 6.25"
o Medium = wrist size 6.25" to 6.5"
o Large = wrist size over 6.5"

Men:

* Height over 5' 5"
o Small = wrist size 5.5" to 6.5"
o Medium = wrist size 6.5" to 7.5"
o Large = wrist size over 7.5"

I measured my wrist. It's under six inches. I actually kind of find it hard to believe that I'm small framed, when I'm a healthy weight and my size in everything is "Medium." But I checked several sources, apparently that's standard.

After you check that out, you can check this out too: HERE
Apparently I'm in the healthy range for a small framed, 5'7" person.

...wait, what's elbow measurement? I don't know how to do that...
*learns how to do that*
apparently I'm still small framed.

This is a very strange realization for me.

:] but I guess it's a good one.

Okay. Enough of my rambling.

Enjoy this: The Lovely Bones
It has lots of pop-ups, but it also seems to have lots of good stuff.

How Cute Is This??

Greif for Michael... an explanation for my apathy.

Sorry it's been a long time since my last post. I'm pretty much a wreck over Michael... He was seriously really important to me. His words were like a hug, when I had no one else. He was the most important person I never met. I can't understand how the world can keep turning without him. It's sincerely devastating.

I'm actually pretty surprised how well I seem to be taking it. I keep trying not to think about it - it's so weird. I think the collective good in the world has gone down.

I don't know if there are many Michael fans among my ana friends.

His strength was such an inspiration to me. He put up with so much bullshit. Over his skin, over those extortionist assholes trying to ruin him, over every little thing that happened when he walked out of his house. No wonder he was such a recluse.

He was the most famous person who ever lived. EVERYONE has an opinion. I could go on forever explaining every which way he's been abused throughout his life by the public, desperate for a glimpse into his personal life. I almost can't help it anymore, I always expect to have to defend him.

I'm going to go ahead and assume my readers are classy enough not to be cruel.

I don't know how to handle myself. It seems like when I try not to think about the fact that he's gone, I can be okay. Still, the world seems so empty now. I feel so alone.

There's nothing but Michael on my iPod right now. I have invincible, History, Blood on the Dance Floor, Bad, Thriller, Off The Wall, some songs from the box set, a Jackson's album what's name I can't remember, and a motown CD for some anniversary or another with some of little MJ's hits. Am I forgetting anything? I'm just bragging now.

I discovered him seven years ago, he's been my hero ever since.

Okay. I'm gonna get offline now... Sorry... I can't keep up with blogs lately. I'll try to catch up in a couple days.

feeling sugar sick since sunday afternoon...

I ate so much pure junk on Sunday. My aunt decided to make father's day a get-together kind of thing. My beau was invited. She's very...as my beau described it: "Food is love." So, yeah - we were all stuffed to the gills. I'm too embarrassed to say how many calories I actually ate. I think you'd have to be an athletic 15 year old boy to not gain from it though. Anyways, it all just made me feel sick, and I was exhausted all day anyway from having to wake up early [for me] two days in a row.

Anyways, it wasn't all bad. Socially it was a pleasant day.

Spent today with my beau, watching X-men. Nothing major happened. Just some much-needed snuggling. I always get annoyed when I see a fake redhead though, especially when they're trying to pass them off as a pleasant character in a film.

Okay. I also wanted to mention that I pretty much have my boyfriend taking food away from me. He says it's a little disturbing. I told him it's for the better. I could take it back if I wanted, but it really gives me a second chance to consider how much I've been eating. I actually recommend training your boyfriends to do the same. lol - it wasn't hard, I just started saying "take this away from me" and now he does it without my saying. He understands that sometimes once I've gotten started I can't stop myself.

Was there anything else? Yes. Pickles. Pickles are salty crunchy and tastey. I had no idea how good they were for cravings.

Anyways...to end on a high note

Check out her hip bones - they look razor sharp.


and tiny thighs

I felt like if I sneezed, I'd lose my soul.

I'm exausted. Today was a big day. Basically I had to get up at a reasonable hour today to go on a family picnic. I ate a lot of potato salad... It was delicious, but seeing as I saw my dad make the stuff it's miraculous I could stomach it. Jeez, he used like half a tub of mayonnaise on that. >_< Yeah. My biggest mistake was the fudge-striped shortbread cookies. I didn't go too overboard...but it shouldn't have happened. I did better at resisting my beau's junk food than usual. He's quite well stocked.

Running around with a five year old nephew made for okay exercise. He wore me out.

Then I had a group thing. It involved a skinny girl. I try to make my beau think everyone thinner than me has an eating disorder. That's messed up, isn't it? I casually mentioned to him after we left her that the biggest reason women take up smoking is because it's an appetite suppressant.
She has lost weight, though. She came in with a friend a year ago, and she was never fat but she was fat in comparison. Now? She's a twig.

I also managed to tell him some fairly depressing thoughts I have.

First of all, I told him that when I think he thinks a woman is more beautiful than me, it makes me feel worthless - like it wouldn't matter if I died, because there's nothing special about me and I could easily be replaced - traded up, even. I've been trying to be more understanding...thinking of his just-looking as a reflex they can't control as prettywreck suggested. I do think I'm less paranoid about that in particular. But that doesn't get that fear out of my head, that he's looking at someone who IS prettier than me and thinking they they ARE prettier than me. Go figure. -_-

I also told him that after he called, from the store, where he and this skinny girl were picking up snacks for an event, I got suddenly very depressed. This intense sad feeling. And...I thought I felt like I had to sneeze. And I felt like if I sneezed that my soul would escape. It sounds silly, but that's what it really felt like. I thought about it, and I don't think it was really a sneeze feeling. I think it was an about-to-cry feeling. For some reason, they felt a lot alike. Have you heard the origin of "god bless you;" that people actually used to believe a sneeze was the soul trying to escape? I always thought that was silly. Maybe it started with a similar feeling.

My beau told me I could probably get medicated in five minutes with that story, and that I should probably talk to someone.

Meh. It felt good anyway.

I gotta think sometimes about how obvious it is that I'm jealous. The way I squeeze in next to my boyfriend whenever there's a pretty girl around. The fact that I pinch and whisper to him. Sometimes he whispers back too loudly, but I don't know if I can really complain in that department. I think about how awkward it is that when I'm around a girl with my beau when I don't want to talk to her but I sit between her and my beau anyway. Ahh, the quiet on the train today. So awkward. I'm almost sadistic about it. I don't hate that girl. She's pretty cool. But around my beau, every woman under 160lbs becomes a target for ridicule the moment I'm out of earshot.

I kind of hate myself for it, but it feels necessary to me. I know better. I do. but I can't let my beau walk away without realizing some girl's many many faults. Even if I have nothing to say but "skank" about a complete stranger.

If I met a girl who looked just like me, I'd say she looked fat and pimply, that her nose was freaking huge, and that she had chunky legs. I know I would. I'd make my boyfriend agree, too.

Anyways, I borrowed this from a facebook friend's thinspo album:

It spoke to me.