Societal expectations of beauty are BullShit.

Apparently the perfect BMI is 20.85

I feel like I may have blogged this before. At the time I learned this, I was significantly heavier than I am now, and I was stunned. Offended even, that this was considered worthy of the title "Okay girls, relax, 20.85 is now the perfect body!" Goddamnit, no! I had to work for that bmi, and after that I'm down to a bmi of 20 that number still strikes me as bullshit. 20.85? I'm know my boyfriend is attracted to women thinner than I am. I have no doubt. He's not atypical either. Maybe other men are better at hiding it, but girls, we know who we see men looking at.

There's another standard out there that's quite popular. It's 36-24-36 measurements.
Those measurements don't go with that bmi.
Actually, Sir Mix-a-Lot Probably said it best. "36-24-36? Ha ha, only if she's 5'3"

That's probably about how tall you'd have to be to have those measurements and that bmi.

Do any of us want..."back?"

No. No we do not.

I certainly wouldn't mind a 24 inch waist. Mine was 25.5 this morning, and my weight was 126 - which would be my thinnest, but I don't necessarily trust the scale.

The point I'm trying to get at is that it's unrealistic to set out standards on what society gives us to go by. That's what most people seem to think anorexics are going by. That society is giving us "unrealistic expectations" of beauty and that we're trying to live up to them, but in reality we're probably the only ones who aren't listening to those societal expectations.

Because they don't make sense.

So we do with our bodies what we think is beautiful, for whatever beautiful reasons they might be. Like a ... "fuck you" to those very same societal expectations. We're too smart to be convinced that what's normal is what's beautiful. We just sort of...opt out of playing the same failure game that everyone else plays.

It seems like the delusional game the rest of the world is playing [about getting a 24 inch waist the healthy way] is just as crazy as starving yourself. More so. Restricting will get you there. 1800+ calories a day won't. It might make you *muscular* if you're working out.

God, people are just so full of contradictions.

They say 'be healthy.'

If they say it to a fat person they're saying 'lose weight'

If they're saying it to a "healthy" person, they mean 'don't get thinner than me'

and if they're saying it to a thin person, they mean 'get fat so I can be thinner than you'

Fuck that nonsense.

I know what I want.

~

So that was the rant I had waiting in my reserves. What do you think?

I want to direct you guys to a great website I stumbled upon yesterday. PrettyThin
It's like a proana myspace and it has heaps of users. I can't believe I didn't know about it O_O

Today at the subway station I ran into my old friend. The friend I mentioned in This Post, actually. I was shocked, this is someone I haven't seen in aaaages. We only spoke for a moment. I wrote my number on communist literature and gave it to him, I hope he calls. I'd have gotten his, but he said they broke it in prison. So I hope wherever he's staying he's got a phone to use.

I know it might be hard to relate to, but I hugged him like four times. I'd been worried. I didn't say anything about my knowing what he was in prison for. I'm just glad he got out...and I hope I can talk to him about it if/when he ever calls. It was so weird seeing him. You know that weird feeling about seeing someone you went to school with, and it's like...whoa, you look different. At fourteen, he was shorter than me, now he's got like a foot on me o_0 But he still seemed sweet, harmless, huggable. He still called me his best friend.

God, I don't even know.

It was shocking! I'm glad he's not in prison for the next five years, though. I hope I can see him when I'm more composed and not totally..."Holy crap, it's you!"

Anyways, I'm feeling pretty optimistic today. I saw a job in the paper for a job at an on campus coffee chain...and even if I don't get that, the same chain is on the corner of the nearest major street so I could apply to 2 places extremely convenient to me. I plan on getting an application online tomorrow, I can turn it in twice.

The only problem is that it involves talking to people. It might be good for me. and maybe I'll develop a taste for coffee.

I've got virtually no appetite lately. It's probably a cycle thing, but I'm enjoying it. My waist was less than 26" this morning. That was nice.

I've been thinking lately about how I wanted a job at a retail store, and it occurs to me that there's a good chance I wouldn't get hired because of my bad skin. Which is sad. and I'd never be able to prove that's why they weren't hiring me. I suppose the same could be said of the coffee chain...but we'll see, won't we?


a random couple pieces of thinspo:


This was one of the first pieces of thinspo I saw that actually felt motivating. I have a similar picture of me, except I'm 150lbs. I want to take one when I get to 125...whenever the hell that's going to be. Then I can can compare.



I don't necessarily think she's perfect, but it's a really cute pic anyway, and she's a lot closer to perfect than I am.

Oooh, I should plug the site I got them from.

thinspo.us

Join! Upload your collections! It's goooood!

and I've got some good thoughts going for my next blog.. so when I've got them together I'll post them. Maybe even tomorrow. It might end up being a rant about the societal expectations of body image. Sounds like shit you've heard before, but I'm going somewhere with this. lol

a couple thinspo videos

Trying to catch up on some blogs

I'm not going to say much...I'm under stress. I need a job. I don't have much else to add to that.

So have some thinspo.


I found this video on youtube, it's really beautiful and perfectly well done.


And this one is pretty inspirational too . :] More uplifting.

Links to my better posts

Since I have over fifty posts I realize that many of my newer readers aren't going to go through my old blogs reading all the fluff, so I decided to make a list of links to some of my more useful blogs. Maybe I'll do a thinspo list another time, looking through my old posts I noticed I have a lot of those too.

Anyways, usually I make my links to open in a new tab, but this time I'm going to make the default link open in the same window and put an 'X' next to it that will open in a new window. I figure some people might prefer to just back track, at least when it's a list like this.

From newest to oldest:
Body Frame Size [X]

Inner thigh, outer thigh, butt workouts [X]

YouTube exercise videos [X]

Metamucil [X]

Tips [X]

Pro-Ana[X]
^ Not necessarily "useful" but I like this one.

Calories Per Minute chart[X]

I don't post useful blogs enough. I hate getting all vulnerable... I write a lot of emotional blogs and people seem to take well to them, but I think in general the ones that have info like that are more appreciable. Helping others is really what keeps me in line. I learn so much, too.

I feel like I've learned so much about dieting since I've been blogging. If the topic comes up around my boyfriend's friends (they're all fat, remember?) I feel so tempted to bring up all the tips I have in my repertoire, but I'm afraid it would make me look sick. I mean, I can't act normal around them anyway, and I'm half their size - even if I'm still just an average weight. In any case, I feel like that shouldn't be the subject I open up about so eagerly.

Anyways, later my friends.

Classic Musical Numbers

I caught something on TV about Judy Garland, and it stuck in my head. So I've been obsessed with her all day. And from Judy Garland I got to Liza, her daughter, a few other ridiculously iconic artists.

I'm sharing them...I think they do inspire beauty, so it's not totally out of place.





That reminds me of The Nanny... Fran is obsessed with Barbara.
"Miss Fein, if Barbara Streisand and your mother were both drowning in a pond, who would you save?"
"My mother. Barbara can walk on water."















The aspect ratio is slightly off [she's a little stretched]


They say back in the day that curves were the thing...but the old movie artists, they really had a lot of pressure to be thin.

So what if Marilyn Monroe had a bmi of 20? :\ That's not big. That's on the lower end of the healthy range. And she was probably the biggest of the lot.

thanks, some depressing stuff and some thinspo links.

85 followers. I'm pretty impressed with myself.

I want to thank Lyla Unleashed, xthinforever, and sadhanna for their comments on my blog about my childhood friend...
I really needed some input.

xthinforever, though - he wasn't obsessed with little girls. I don't know how it came off like that. I meant to say that when we were in middle school, like seven years ago, he'd talk about girls. Not *little* girls. I mean he was an adolescent boy and we'd talk about stuff like that. I believe the bit about high compulsiveness. That makes perfect sense.

And thanks to Lyla and Sadhanna for your stories. I would love to believe he's innocent, but I don't know enough about what happened to say for sure. I know he pleaded guilty, that's what the article said. and I don't know how to get in contact with him.

Funny thing is, just yesterday I was visiting my beau's nerd group, which apparently is across the street from some sort of half-way house for sex-offenders. It was weird, all I could think was that in a few years, my friend might be in that very spot.

Thinking about what happened to this friend made me think about spontaneous human combustion. Don't know how well I can explain it, but it's like... with spontaneous human combustion, if it's real, someone just experiences some sudden molecular mutation and bursts into flames out of nowhere. It's like poof - they're on fire. There's no reason something like that should happen. It's not in the nature of humans to burst into flames. It's unpredictable and extremely unlikely, but all the sudden someone's reduced to a pile of ashes before they had the chance to realize what happened. In a way, that's what happened to this friend, as far as I could tell. No one could have seen this coming. It's just sudden, and extreme, and before you know it so much is fucked up...

Anyways... I'm in the basement of my boyfriend's mother's house on my laptop. I don't really like being at his mother's house; apart from the wifi there's nothing we really do here. We don't really snuggle. It's really more like he sits on his computer and I sit at the laptop. We occasionally talk. Today he wants me to blog while he cleans the upstairs room. Not this blog of course... He wants me to work on a blog we started together. It's promising actually. We got like thirty-something hits after the first entry.

I've been eating far too much lately. Even my dad said I was eating too many brownies. That's just...traumatic coming from him. I'm ashamed to admit all this. I think I've gained a few pounds, but it's hard to tell because I'm less than a week away from my period and I'm sure I must be bloated. I really am disgusted with myself though.. I've been trying to work out, burn the calories off - but the way I'm eating makes me sick. I need help. I could go back to the way I was calorie counting before, but it just wasn't working anymore. It was always like I was watching the numbers go higher and higher and I couldn't stop myself.

I wish I just didn't *want* the food. As much as I try to brainwash myself, it doesn't always work. At this very moment I can still feel that brownie sitting in my stomach, dissolving, turning into my side-fat. By the way, my love handles are bigger than my breasts. I'm repulsive...I hate my body.

Sometimes I look in the mirror, and I just want to cry. That's what happened last night. I took off my shirt in the mirror. I have a muffin top. and I looked at myself, and pinched it, and I wanted to cry. and I started to feel like I was going to. Because I feel like I'm never going to be thin. I also realized I'm even uglier when I cry.

It's been so damn long since I've lost weight. I can't even express it. I mean, yeah, I lost two pounds camping - but I gained it right back. For a moment the other day I was 127 on the scale. but now I'm back to 130. maybe 131. The same I was at the beginning of the summer. All the changes that have been made, it's been up and down in a small margin and I hate myself.

How can my boyfriend even pretend to be attracted to me? I know there's a billion other women in the world he finds more attractive than me.

I am one of those fat, pathetic, unattractive weepy girls no one feels sorry for. That you just instinctively know are wrong and worthless. I could disappear tomorrow and the world would be a slightly more beautiful place.

I have this habit of grabbing at my fatty parts without even thinking about it. I'll be sitting in a meeting for my group and be pinching my gut under my shirt.

Anyways, I keep thinking I don't deserve to be thin. It's just not going to happen. I can't get under 130lbs. Or at least I can't stay there. I should be 123. Seems like an odd number, but in my blog about body frame size I figured out that's the bottom of my healthy range. I would look good at that weight. After that I Guess I'd want to be 120. After that I'd want to see if I could be under 120. By then I think I'd be technically underweight - which would also be interesting. Point is by the time I got to 123, I bet there wouldn't be so damn much of me to grab. I make myself sick.

Anyways, I'm wearing a six 9 jeans, and they're loose on me. This is of more significance to me than you, because my sizing has always been weird. It's my thick legs... but I want to go shopping sometime and try on sizes until I find the smallest I can fit into. I would *love* that. I'd like to lose a few more pounds first, though.

I need a job. I really do. I need about $1000 to afford to go to school this semester. I have transportation issues though. I'd pretty much have to find a job on my bus route. I say my bus, because it goes right by my house fairly regularly, and it's fairly versatile too. Technically I could also walk ten or fifteen minutes to the bus-stop that goes to the mall. That's a good bus. Always so crowded, though.

I want to work in retail. I so desperately need clothes, you have no idea. My parents say I don't because I have so many lying around, but most don't fit or are ripped or stained and I just don't know what to do with all my stuff. I know I need to do something. I need help. I need guidance. Nothing my parents have EVER been good at.

Friends could help, but I don't have any friends. Maybe I should clean.

But if I cleaned, my parents would get all sarcastic with me. It fucking pisses me off..

I'm to the point where I'm just ranting. I need to find direction or end the post.

Or...I have a better idea.

bonish-thinspo7
ivala-thinspo
iamgettingby
Those three xangas contain SOOOO much thinspo.

I know what I want to do next, though. I want to ask some of my facebook friends if I can post their personal pics. A few of my ana facebook friends just look fucking spectacular and I'm so jealous. D:

My Facebook


I just like this pic. It came out of a facebook friend's album, it's an MK thinspo.
I looove MK.
but this pic really stands out to me because I always feel like the girl on the right. I have pics that remind me of this.

...scary night.

I'll thank everyone for the last entry's comments in my next blog - but tonight requires it's own entry

My boyfriend was assaulted at the subway station today, by some too-aggressive guy asking for fifty cents. My beau said no. Vehemently. I'm kind of mad at him for what an aggressive response he gave to some psycho... there were some exchanges. The guy shoved my boyfriend. My boyfriend didn't back down. Things started getting too much, I called 911.

I should mention that the guy asking for fifty cents was pretty clearly being aggressive. He kept walking into the comfort zone, and he asked me first. Even though I kind of told him my beau wouldn't give him $0.50. This guy was clearly looking for a fight...I suspect he was going for the stereotypical "I'll attack you when you're reaching for your wallet" kind of thing. I've never seen it, most of the people who ask for change are legitimately pathetic rather than psycho...

I tried to talk the situation down, too... "Please, be nice..." "There's no need for this" I got the impression this guy would rather hit my boyfriend than me. I don't remember what else I said... I stepped in between them at some point trying to separate them, my beau pushed me to the side. That's when I called 911 and the guy shoved my boyfriend.

I stayed on the phone as long as I could... I got on my bus. Getting on the bus was probably not that great an idea - I just wanted to get home. I should have stayed with my beau. It was... adrenaline I guess that made me do it. I should mention by now that the guy that assaulted my boyfriend had gone off in the other direction.

I got on the bus. My beau called me after he talked to the police. When he called he was in the police car and they'd found the guy that attacked my beau at a nearby gas station. I guess he just wanted to get off the street. It probably took just a couple minutes. My beau brought up a new issue - that there was a guy that the assaulter had been speaking to before hand who got on the bus with me.

I have no doubt that he intended to get on that bus before hand, seeing as they were both waiting at the bus stop. On the phone my beau said to get off only after the friend got off, in case I was being followed. I passed my stop and the guy still hadn't gotten off. As we neared the end of the route I got up and talked to the bus driver. Perhaps after seeing that the guy got off; it's possible that he was really going to this destination... he headed off in a different direction that the bus had come from or was going. That's something. I got on a different bus going back to my stop in the other direction when we got the end of the route.

My beau was on the phone with me from the police station. I didn't see any sign of the guy on the way back, so I got off at my stop.

I went home.

Had to tell my mom about it. Didn't lie, but downplayed everything because I don't want to worry her too much...

It really wouldn't have been so bad if I weren't so damn caffeinated. Too much diet pop. Too much mocha...expresso...shake...it made me sick. I probably wouldn't be trembling so much if it weren't for this.

My beau? He's fine. He's not even shaken anymore. I'm terrified.. I don't want to ever run into that guy again. That's my regular bus... I'm recognizable. No one's as pale as me. My acne? At my age? I'm scared...

Maybe my purple jeans are bad luck. I might even be scared to wear them again.

Yeah...yeah...bad night. Scared for my beau's life, then scared for mine.

I got that...too caffeinated kind of... "I'm too young to worry about my heart" kind of feeling. If nothing had happened it probably would have been fine, but I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. I hate that helpless victim feeling.

But yeah, my boyfriend isn't shaken. He's sorry he returned the aggressive language now. He was worried about me.

He said he's been beat up much worse when he was less emotionally developed. He's a nerd. He's not afraid of bullies. which sometimes seems stupid. Like tonight. He actually seemed in kind of a good mood..but yeah, like I said, he's worried about me now.

I'm calming down now... I'm going to drink a ton of water and try to get the caffeine out of my system so I can finally sleep at some point.

I'm going to be scared of my bus for a while.

At least the 11:19 outbound...