I have a need to vent right now. I'm trying to avoid venting on [real]facebook because I'm trying to be more likeable.
Sounds weird, but I figure that I only need one person who loves me for who I am - and most people are going to get small doses of me at any given moment. Since I don't give a f*** what these insignificant parties in my life think of me, I'd might as well not burn bridges with unapproachability.
I mean to say that acquaintances don't have to hear me vent. They don't care. I don't care about them. It's just better if they like me.
But in reality,
you're about to find out what a bitch I am, if you can bear to read this rot.
Anyway, today I had to deal with this fat f*** I can't stand. Let's call him Evan. He schemes ridiculous things. He's quite possibly a pathological liar. Possibly a narcissist. I mean, he knows he's a fat f***, but he's got a fragile ego and if you catch him in a lie, he acts like a victim and blocks you out of his life.
Which he's trying to do with me, but this is not his arena. And his inevitable failure will make him hate me even more.
A problem I have with a pathological liar hating me... well here's a thought - he might lie about me.
This all started when he was disrespecting my beau. I got angry, because Evan had volunteered for a position within an organization that my boyfriend belongs to - and Evan wasn't the slightest bit qualified. It had to do with deciding what tech things were worth keeping and what weren't. He wanted to throw out so much stuff! Stuff that belonged to people. What's more, he's not even technologically inclined. He didn't know what was worth selling, what was worth keeping. He just wanted to clear out everything he didn't understand. My beau argued, but he asserted some imaginary authority on the matter that didn't go beyond the volume of his voice, and my beau was frustrated.
I called him out on that sh**. Pretty much tore him a new one, and threw in some insults when he got cheeky.
"Keep your panties on"
"Not a problem around you, Evan."
Today I had to sit through a meeting with this dumbass. When I spoke up, he said I made an attack on him when I called him out on some bull. I admit I was aggressive, but my concerns were valid. People more or less saw through him.
I've more or less made it my goal to put him in his place. He's so full of shit!!
All through the meeting today I kept writing fat jokes in my notebook. That's how I dealt with my anger on the issue. When he said he'd ask me to leave (I only gave the one comment, mind you), I laughed and pointed out that he didn't have the authority to do that. He said it was his meeting. But it's not his space. f*ck that, I can stay. I can skip down the hallway naked if I damn well please - but again, I wouldn't.
Keeping my panties on around him is no problem.
I drew a doodle playing on something he said. Disagreeing with my beau. "This is my 'but' on the matter." I drew a fat ass on a breaking chair with the caption "This is my butt on the matter"
So... why do I turn to body image when his personality gives me sooo much ammo?
Ha.
I don't know. I'm not the only one. I guess I expect it to hurt him as much as it would hurt me - if I were a fat f***. Relatively speaking. And it probably would hurt him.
When I first met him, he was eating donuts. Said his blood sugar was low.
He's not diabetic, or hypoglycemic. He just wanted an excuse to eat like a fat f***. I was more in control at the time, I watched him stuff his fat face with disgust - even though I tolerated him quite well back then.
Today I made a personal goal to make sure everyone in this group likes me. Separate from my goal to be more likeable - but compatible, certainly.
Smile. Be friendly. Try to be pretty.
This group is mostly men, and a few rarely-attending women. The most frequently attending
woman is a transexual who's not exactly easy on the eyes - or the nose... or the ears for that matter, that falsetto needs some serious work. I'm not about to touch or lick her, but I daresay it's safe to assume that she's offensive to every physical sense. She's nice, though. I don't want to see her bad side, though - because she could kick my ass. Which would involve touching me. Ew. Oh, and she's a friend of Evan.
Point is that I feel fairly comfortable assuming that since I'm younger, a female, and have less competition than in other arenas - I can garner sympathy by being sweet to people.
I'm calling this my evil plot. In reality I'm just trying to keep something good from being ruined by incompetence. He claims to be a genius, and he talks a lot - I'm worried people believe him.
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Also, today I made the effort to post to a friend of my boyfriend's facebook status with a small coincidence, a parallel between his day and mine.
I know it was a little thing. I almost didn't post it. but I said it outloud to my boyfriend, who thought I should try to be social.
So I post this little bit of coincidence, and someone - a stranger mind you - replies with a great big "O...M...G..!!!" Very sarcastic. I found it hurtful.
And it's not that I give a damn what this person thinks. But she doesn't know me. So where did she get a bad impression of me?? Does she go around insulting people who mention little things on facebook? Did my boyfriend's friend say something nasty about me to a stranger? Is she a friend of the cliquey bitches mentioned in some much earlier post who all unfriended me at once over how ugly I think dyed-red hair is? Part of why I try not to rant in facebook statuses anymore.
Who is this random bitch??
My beau thinks it could have been a misunderstanding. A direct response to his friend, rather than to me. Some inside joke.
It didn't seem that way, though.
So I looked at her profile. Quite public. Saw where she lived. Looked at her pictures.
Looked at her pictures and instantly felt better.
Seriously, she looks like a man wearing a wig. Not just any man, a man who just got his ass kicked. Dark circles around her eyes, ugly shadows and angles. More masculine than me - and I normally think I'm pretty heinous.
So I resorted to her own appearance to assess the worth of her statement.
The difference between this and Evan is that I actually have a feel for Evan's personality. I actually do dislike Evan on merit. Ha.
This girl. This girl is a stranger! I guess I can assume a few things about her, assuming this isn't a misunderstanding. For one, that she's got a sensitive trigger. If it's not entirely on the merit of hating small coincidences being mentioned on facebook, then it's based on a more personal hatred. Maybe he's spoken ill about me... Hell, maybe he likes me. Maybe she's got me mistaken for someone else. Maybe she likes him and sees me as a potential threat, maybe she's friends with someone else who hates my guts. That circle is mixed company. Maybe she just doesn't like my face. Maybe she's bitter because of hers.
I can be quite vicious. I didn't reply. Despite that I'm 99% sure that it was intended to make me look like an idiot, I'm not about to go picking fights with some moron on facebook.
Today.
Well, there you go. Now you've seen my wrathful side. I don't fully understand why I take comfort in knowing those who oppose me are hideous.
It might have something to do with how much sympathy I think I can garner. I know a lot of people say looks don't matter, but for the love of god - when a generally unpleasant person is also ugly, that's just dysfunctional.
Maybe it's knowing that even though I don't have a lot of ground in these issues - ie: I think my boyfriend's friend hates my guts anyway (why doesn't he just delete me? I'd probably cry... but rather that than the hate out of nowhere!)... I actually do have ground in the Evan case. Seriously. Much precedent that he's full of sh**.
Also, Evan has ostracized someone who's impossible not to like. Seriously. He's like a big teddy bear, one of my favorite people. And it's completely unrelated to my problem, so it's not just sympathy hate.
Ugh. Evan, you fat lying f***. Worthless loudmouth idiot liar. Wants to fill this organization (which is for a particular category of smart people) with hippies and gamers. Pathetic. F**king loser. I also hate his voice. It's tolerable if you haven't figured out how awful it is, but once you determine the worth of the words, the sound becomes unbearable.
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I'd rather my plans to manipulate things my way not be expressed as I feel them.
Really, I'm only saying this because I'm angry.
I mean, even though I mean it - I could phrase it much better.
I just want to sound vicious, so I can feel victorious when he's inevitably destroyed by the weight of his own sh**.
And the depth of my dismissal of this girl is about equal to the depth of her complaint, so...
You know, people who don't like me can just go f*** themselves. With Pine-apples. Wrapped in barbed wire. With a timed explosive embedded therein.
>:| End of story
I hope you don't think any less of me. I really had to put this somewhere.
