Thursday, October 14, 2010

Changing your self-perception

I have a friend. I think I've mentioned her. She's maybe 5'2" and 100 pounds.

She's got a naturally tiny appetite, and she gets teased for being small.

I envy her. She'll forget to eat all day, and then when she gets a chance she eats the fattiest foods she can, but can never manage to finish them.

I've been trying to emulate her in this regard. You know, without the fatty foods thing. As a result, I've dropped a few pounds. Which is fantastic. Fake it 'til you make it sort of thing.

So if I pretend to have the appetite of someone who's 100 lbs naturally, maybe I can get a little better than I have been.

I really wish I was a type-A personality too. I know plenty of people who are. I have role models in that regard. Lately I've been thinking of how much I hate missing my first class of the day ( I really DO hate that so much! ). I'm hoping I'll stop thinking of myself as the kind of worthless slug who misses buses over and over and over because I fucking suck at life o_0

...I'll be okay

Anyway. Yeah. I need to change my self perception to change my behavior and performance. Little affirmations help.

I AM STRONG
I DO MY HOMEWORK
I CAN DEFEAT MORNINGS!

Mornings are tough. They literally make me ill. Getting up quickly has always made me sick in the morning, and I have to unwind in bed for 20 minutes to avoid puking up whatever little thing I eat for breakfast.

So much of my poor performance is because I don't think I deserve better than I've been achieving, and that I hinder my performance because I think someone else deserves to reap the benefits more than I do. This isn't conscious, but it's something I need to make conscious so I can fight it.

I've been taking better care of myself lately. I try to put a little more effort into my appearance so I don't feel like I'm less than other girls. There's nothing standing between being a thin, beautiful, successful woman except my own willingness to achieve what I know I do want. I don't know why it's so hard to act like I deserve to be better than I feel like I deserve, but somehow it is.

This post was somewhat inspired by something I watched about performance on standardized tests. You've probably heard of the experiments where they give complicated math tests to men and women, and preface them with a note about the scores typically being affected by gender, or not affected at all. The women performed better when told that men and women perform the same on the test. Their own expectations about how they would perform affected the outcome. The experiment had more to do with the fairness of standardized testing and how prejudice affects a child's performance on state exams, and things like the SATs, but it got the gears in my head going.

Don't act like you don't deserve something you want, when you can have it as easily as anyone else.


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