Friday, May 14, 2010

Fatness

I feel squishier, but the scale hasn't really changed.

Perhaps today isn't the best day to blog, because I've eaten pretty heartily and I'm pretty mad at myself. I tend to blog less when I'm failing miserably. Hence why I hardly ever blog anymore.

I also haven't been able to stop myself from gorging myself at night.

There is one positive element which has been added to my life, though - I've started taking a bicycle around places to save on bus fare and get some exercise. Actually, my boyfriend kind of forced it on me - gave me his mother's old bike. It's rusty and squeaky, but it's kind of cute anyway.

I'm sort of happy about being squishier without gaining weight. The squishier thing tends to mean I'm going to lose weight - I don't know if that makes any sense. Like maybe I've lost fat so I'm not so solid...

Anyways, I feel better since I'm getting out more.

Now that school and exams are done I should have more energy to focus on that all-too-high number.

My weight hasn't changed in ages. I really resent myself and how I've failed, though. I should be motivated. It's summer. Have I ever worn a bikini? To be fair, I can't remember the last time I went to the beach. None the less, I'm in no condition.

I think I looked really good this past summer, at my low weight, 126. I'm close to ten pounds heavier than that now. What I'd like to do is reach 123, and maintain it for a while. There's no reason I shouldn't be able to be 123lbs.

My boyfriend gets so frustrated with me if I ask him about my weight. I'm almost scared to do it because he'll get moody. Fact is whatever I say, I'm probably asking him to lie to me.

I'm awful.

I want to be small for him. I want him to be able to pick me up and let me sit on his lap. I know he's not a big guy, and he *can* pick me up... I wish it were easier though. I wish he could do it spontaneously...I wish I didn't have to fear for my life when he did it o_0

I'd lose a few pounds if I didn't eat at night. It's Dieting101, I know.

I didn't use to have this problem. I think it's been stress...

I CAN DO BETTER.


random thinspo pic stolen from: Ana Princesa

3 comments:

  1. That's what I need to do too. It doesn't matter what I eat during the day, but if I snack at night I ALWAYS gain weight. So.. no snacking is my new rule :) xoxo

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  2. The squishiness is probably because you're losing muscle, which is obviously softer than fat... And muscle weighs more, so that's why you seem to be losing weight... =/

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