Beautiful

Glycemic Index anyone?

I've been super interested in the Glycemic index lately.  It feels like everyone knew about it before I did.

To me, a calorie has just been a calorie.  I knew some things will keep you full longer, but... I guess I never really thought about it any deeper than that.

When I am doing well, I really do eat more fiber and protein.  So not knowing this probably hasn't affected me on a grand scale... None the less, since watching that video I posted a while back, I've been thinking about how often I give in to sweet cravings.  It didn't occur to me that it's not even sugar that my body wants.  It could be anything - if I eat something, the sugar cravings will go away.

and I'm sure I'll be better off.

Do any of you have some information about the Glycemic index I might not know?  I'm pretty new to all this.

Fasting has purpose

How To Stop Sugar Cravings!! What Causes Them? Blood Sugar & Weight Gain...

I'm on an exercise kick, but my eating habits are on-and-off shitty, like they've always been.

There's a lot I'm embarrassed to say.

I just found a video I thought I should share... I hope you like it. Same vlogger as last time.

I'm sorry it's been so long.  Feel free to nag me.  I'd appreciate it! I feel somewhat empty.

I'm still having trouble night-binging, but the exercise helps.  Both with the calories and the cravings.

Hmm...

I don't know much about the Glycemic index.

Status: Surprisingly motivated

The weather is warming up, and so is my brain. My motivation is coming back.

I still make one big mistake every day. Which is weird, isn't it? Why?

And why do I act like drinking a liter of water will fix that?

Anyway... I'm not going to tell you my current weight. I guess I stopped doing that a long time ago. I weigh too much, though.

....

It's amazing how much better about myself makeup makes me feel. I feel like I'm not hideous. This makes life in my own skin a little more bearable. Plus, it's fun.

....

I shouldn't stay up as late as I do. I start having weird thoughts.

I mean, apart from the binge-eating. I did eat ice-cream tonight. With m&ms.

I've been doing better with that lately, though. I didn't eat that, as well as an entire dinner, with a bowl of popcorn, a glass of sugary juice, and whatever else I could cram in my gullet.

Night binging has always been a big problem for me. But the past few days, I've been doing better.

Anyway, my strange thoughts. Right now I'm obsessively staring at the twitter account of a boy I made out with once in high school. We had a weird relationship for a long time. I won't follow him on twitter - because I don't want him to think I care. We have no relationship now.

Except that I look at every damn thing he does that I can find online.

I have the strangest thoughts about him. I've probably written about it before, it comes and goes.

I was so into him. Sometimes I wish we could be friends, but I won't try. Usually I'm afraid that if I were in a small enough radius of him, I might end up hurting him.

Turns out a guy I know from one of my boyfriend's circles of friends is a current friend with this aforementioned boy. Close enough that I wonder if they might one day show up together.

I have no idea how I would react.

I could have a panic attack. I could attack him. I might be pleasantly surprised and feel nothing! Or, I'll have a giggle fit that will embarrass the fuck out of me.

Seriously, though. I'm not exaggerating. I wish I were. Nothing he has ever done would warrant my having any sentiment for him whatsoever five years after graduating high school. Especially not when I'm in a happy relationship.

But if I saw him, I'm pretty certain I would freak the fuck out in one way or another.

This isn't rational. I want to purge my brain of my feelings about him. Whatever they are.

....

Other night-thoughts I've had?

-I was obviously a princess in a past life.

-I look like a French person

-I should pluck my armpit hair with my eyebrow tweezers

-I need to disinfect EVERYTHING (I probably do...)

-I realized the freckles on my shoulders are sun damage

-The Jersey Shore is an okay show... Snooki sure likes pickles!

-I'll be attacked my demons if I don't cover the back of my neck.

Oh. and I shop. I shop online.

and send an animated gif of a raptor on a stripper pole to one of my boyfriend's friends.

and send awkward insecure messages to someone who's pretty much a stranger because I wonder how well I'm making friends. I come off as sooo pathetic sometimes. I'll probably never speak to him again.

I did manage to resist sending the boy from high school a message. and I resisted following his account.

I seriously considered making a new account to say something creepy to him. I resisted that too. Too crazy! ...for tonight

So there's that for self-restraint - and I can go to bed with that accomplishment.

Even if I'm totally going to continue my mild form of stalking.

Yeah, I can't not sound crazy. Maybe someone out there understands....

I love you girls. Even if I suck at updating my blog.

Fatty Fat Fat Update.

I ate so much chocolate last night and I'm pretty disgusted with myself. Thinspo isn't working because I don't identify with it. Even though part of my brain thinks I'm still my low weight - but I KNOW that's not true. I'm pretty sure I'm around 140lbs right now, and I'm scared to check.

I've been drinking a TON of water lately trying to make myself feel better about how I've been eating, but I don't think it's helping me eat less.

I had to put my dog Gypsy Rose down 2 weeks ago. I almost posted a long post about how wonderful she was and how much I miss her. I had her from a puppy. She lived to be fourteen and a half, and then she had a stroke and developed epilepsy. Her back legs barely worked. It was the right thing to do, putting her down - but it left a hole in my life. My dad and I were with her when it happened, and I think she appreciated that.

I do have another dog. Popcorn. She misses her sister and won't sit in Gypsy's chair. Pops would sit in Gypsy's chair all the time when she was around - but now she won't.

I don't want to go on and on... there's a risk of that.

What else is up? My boyfriend has a job. Which means we'll probably be moving in together. I had a seasonal job - but I guess that's over now. I don't want to work there anyway. It kept me on my feet - but they don't tell you anything, it took an hour to get there, they payed minimum wage, I was constantly busy, and the floor managers got mad at me if I didn't look busy enough. I put up with it, yes - but I don't actually want that sort of abuse.

Other major life event. I took a leave of absence from school because I owed them money.

Then my late financial aid from last semester came in, too late.

lol, oh well. At least I have some money. I was so exhausted with being a student. A semester off will do me good. I need another job anyway.

I will say that I feel like I'm on the verge of a new motivational spurt for losing weight. I feel suffocated in my clothes.

My sleep schedule is completely backwards again, though. Which pisses me off. I don't want to be a vampire - and the longer I sleep the more total time I spend in this house. I always get home around a certain point in the night because of buses, but the later I sleep, the later the bus I catch. Thus squashing my boyfriend time. I'm actually writing this and it's 4:22AM - I'll set it up to post at a reasonable hour, though. I tend to do that.

My house is incredibly depressing. I'm powerless here.

Anyway... I'll force myself to write more. It will help get my weight down.

I love you girls. I hope you're all okay.

Last Year's Resolutions, new Resolutions?

Get a Job <- Yes!

Cut my hair <- Nope...

Be more open towards my boyfriend's friends (why not?) <- I got drunk at the New Year's Party. I guess that's a yes?

Try not to scare off strangers who might be my friends <- I've been doing okay at not being scary, I think.

I will be in bed by 3AM on school days (yes, that's an improvement) <- Not really

Be 120lbs (or less - underweight starts at <118) <- ...pass

Get a social hobby.

->by that I mean something that involves a club or group or talking to people regularly

Learn a skill - may likely be combined with the previous resolution.

<- I do go to a sort of club once a week to chit-chat. Always with my boyfriend. I don't think I would go alone, but I do enjoy it.

Now... What about this year? Honestly I haven't put a ton of thought into my resolutions this year. I have no motivation.

A few things I do know...

I'd like to move in with my boyfriend

Graduate college

Get a better job than I have

TRY again with my weight. Do SOMETHING

It sounds so stupid, I know. I'm not trying. The retail job is helping, but it leaves me too tired for constructive exercise at the end of the day. It leaves my feet sore. It robs me of sleep. It's not going to be the right thing for me in the long run.

I haven't really told you much about the job... I didn't tell you when I got it. I started Black Friday. It was going to be seasonal work, but they hired me. It's part time and minimum wage - I'm spending the money as fast as I'm spending it. The commute takes like an hour or more, because of buses and wait time. It's really not the best thing for me - even if it's active and the people are nice.

Bah. I've got to go.