Beautiful

Glycemic Index anyone?

I've been super interested in the Glycemic index lately.  It feels like everyone knew about it before I did.

To me, a calorie has just been a calorie.  I knew some things will keep you full longer, but... I guess I never really thought about it any deeper than that.

When I am doing well, I really do eat more fiber and protein.  So not knowing this probably hasn't affected me on a grand scale... None the less, since watching that video I posted a while back, I've been thinking about how often I give in to sweet cravings.  It didn't occur to me that it's not even sugar that my body wants.  It could be anything - if I eat something, the sugar cravings will go away.

and I'm sure I'll be better off.

Do any of you have some information about the Glycemic index I might not know?  I'm pretty new to all this.

Fasting has purpose

How To Stop Sugar Cravings!! What Causes Them? Blood Sugar & Weight Gain...

I'm on an exercise kick, but my eating habits are on-and-off shitty, like they've always been.

There's a lot I'm embarrassed to say.

I just found a video I thought I should share... I hope you like it. Same vlogger as last time.

I'm sorry it's been so long.  Feel free to nag me.  I'd appreciate it! I feel somewhat empty.

I'm still having trouble night-binging, but the exercise helps.  Both with the calories and the cravings.

Hmm...

I don't know much about the Glycemic index.

Status: Surprisingly motivated

The weather is warming up, and so is my brain. My motivation is coming back.

I still make one big mistake every day. Which is weird, isn't it? Why?

And why do I act like drinking a liter of water will fix that?

Anyway... I'm not going to tell you my current weight. I guess I stopped doing that a long time ago. I weigh too much, though.

....

It's amazing how much better about myself makeup makes me feel. I feel like I'm not hideous. This makes life in my own skin a little more bearable. Plus, it's fun.

....

I shouldn't stay up as late as I do. I start having weird thoughts.

I mean, apart from the binge-eating. I did eat ice-cream tonight. With m&ms.

I've been doing better with that lately, though. I didn't eat that, as well as an entire dinner, with a bowl of popcorn, a glass of sugary juice, and whatever else I could cram in my gullet.

Night binging has always been a big problem for me. But the past few days, I've been doing better.

Anyway, my strange thoughts. Right now I'm obsessively staring at the twitter account of a boy I made out with once in high school. We had a weird relationship for a long time. I won't follow him on twitter - because I don't want him to think I care. We have no relationship now.

Except that I look at every damn thing he does that I can find online.

I have the strangest thoughts about him. I've probably written about it before, it comes and goes.

I was so into him. Sometimes I wish we could be friends, but I won't try. Usually I'm afraid that if I were in a small enough radius of him, I might end up hurting him.

Turns out a guy I know from one of my boyfriend's circles of friends is a current friend with this aforementioned boy. Close enough that I wonder if they might one day show up together.

I have no idea how I would react.

I could have a panic attack. I could attack him. I might be pleasantly surprised and feel nothing! Or, I'll have a giggle fit that will embarrass the fuck out of me.

Seriously, though. I'm not exaggerating. I wish I were. Nothing he has ever done would warrant my having any sentiment for him whatsoever five years after graduating high school. Especially not when I'm in a happy relationship.

But if I saw him, I'm pretty certain I would freak the fuck out in one way or another.

This isn't rational. I want to purge my brain of my feelings about him. Whatever they are.

....

Other night-thoughts I've had?

-I was obviously a princess in a past life.

-I look like a French person

-I should pluck my armpit hair with my eyebrow tweezers

-I need to disinfect EVERYTHING (I probably do...)

-I realized the freckles on my shoulders are sun damage

-The Jersey Shore is an okay show... Snooki sure likes pickles!

-I'll be attacked my demons if I don't cover the back of my neck.

Oh. and I shop. I shop online.

and send an animated gif of a raptor on a stripper pole to one of my boyfriend's friends.

and send awkward insecure messages to someone who's pretty much a stranger because I wonder how well I'm making friends. I come off as sooo pathetic sometimes. I'll probably never speak to him again.

I did manage to resist sending the boy from high school a message. and I resisted following his account.

I seriously considered making a new account to say something creepy to him. I resisted that too. Too crazy! ...for tonight

So there's that for self-restraint - and I can go to bed with that accomplishment.

Even if I'm totally going to continue my mild form of stalking.

Yeah, I can't not sound crazy. Maybe someone out there understands....

I love you girls. Even if I suck at updating my blog.

Fatty Fat Fat Update.

I ate so much chocolate last night and I'm pretty disgusted with myself. Thinspo isn't working because I don't identify with it. Even though part of my brain thinks I'm still my low weight - but I KNOW that's not true. I'm pretty sure I'm around 140lbs right now, and I'm scared to check.

I've been drinking a TON of water lately trying to make myself feel better about how I've been eating, but I don't think it's helping me eat less.

I had to put my dog Gypsy Rose down 2 weeks ago. I almost posted a long post about how wonderful she was and how much I miss her. I had her from a puppy. She lived to be fourteen and a half, and then she had a stroke and developed epilepsy. Her back legs barely worked. It was the right thing to do, putting her down - but it left a hole in my life. My dad and I were with her when it happened, and I think she appreciated that.

I do have another dog. Popcorn. She misses her sister and won't sit in Gypsy's chair. Pops would sit in Gypsy's chair all the time when she was around - but now she won't.

I don't want to go on and on... there's a risk of that.

What else is up? My boyfriend has a job. Which means we'll probably be moving in together. I had a seasonal job - but I guess that's over now. I don't want to work there anyway. It kept me on my feet - but they don't tell you anything, it took an hour to get there, they payed minimum wage, I was constantly busy, and the floor managers got mad at me if I didn't look busy enough. I put up with it, yes - but I don't actually want that sort of abuse.

Other major life event. I took a leave of absence from school because I owed them money.

Then my late financial aid from last semester came in, too late.

lol, oh well. At least I have some money. I was so exhausted with being a student. A semester off will do me good. I need another job anyway.

I will say that I feel like I'm on the verge of a new motivational spurt for losing weight. I feel suffocated in my clothes.

My sleep schedule is completely backwards again, though. Which pisses me off. I don't want to be a vampire - and the longer I sleep the more total time I spend in this house. I always get home around a certain point in the night because of buses, but the later I sleep, the later the bus I catch. Thus squashing my boyfriend time. I'm actually writing this and it's 4:22AM - I'll set it up to post at a reasonable hour, though. I tend to do that.

My house is incredibly depressing. I'm powerless here.

Anyway... I'll force myself to write more. It will help get my weight down.

I love you girls. I hope you're all okay.